jon3105 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I started to see a girl about 3 months ago, and things have kind of been going well until the past couple weeks. I have made the mistake of jumping into things a bit fast and full on, and so the relationship does seem a lot longer than just 3 months and so naturally there are strong feelings developing, which is what makes things a tad harder for me. The main problem is probably the age gap, shes quite young (18), which hasnt been so much of a problem when im with her (shes very mature intellectually for her age), its more when im not. Shes recently had messages from some guy asking her to meet up with him, to which she replied simply 'no I have a boyfriend' when I was there with her, however, I found out a few days later that she did infact meet up with him the next night whilst I was playing football. When confronted she made some excuse about having to give him a dvd or something, yet suspiciously she made a point of deleting all text messages to and from him on that day (yes, I know you shouldnt check this stuff, but curiousity got the better of me). Anyway, I decide to let it go, its no biggy and not to say anything happened, it may have been just an innocent ego boost for her. Fast forward a week... I turn up to her house tonight, just to drop off a dvd she'd been wanting to borrow. Shes not in and not answering the phone, her sister tells me shes out driving with one of her friends. No harm in that ofcorse, except on my way home I see said friend walking down the road with a completely different person and her nowhere in sight. I sent her an innocent text just saying 'Hi, dropped the dvd round, etc' to which there is no reply, and as said, shes avoiding my calls. Now, I will be the first to hold my hand up and say I have big problems with trust and paranoia when it comes to relationships, its the reason my last proper relationship got destroyed, and the reason that I have avoided them alltogether for nearly 2 years now, but I really cant decide whether I should have a genuine cause for concern or whether I am just being too paranoid? I do genuinely really really like her, and enjoy spending my time with her, its just the rest of the time. I feel like im being lied too, and because of issues with untrustworthy girls in the past (which probably explains why I am like I am) I end up knowing specific things to look out for (i.e. the deletion of texts and stuff). I end up sitting there at work or at home, worrying myself into the ground over what MIGHT be happening, ridiculous I know. My main worry is that its not this girl at all, its me, and it doesnt matter who im with im always going to be like this , or does it sound like I have a right to be skeptical? Thanks to anyone who read through that, just looking for some thoughts/advice.
Tomcat33 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You have a right to be paranoid in this case you already caught her in a lie, therefore she IS lying to you. How old are you?
Author jon3105 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Hi, thanks for the reply. Im 23, so theres a good 5 yrs in the age gap. I know thats not such a biggy in later life (i.e 25 & 30) but it seems like a pretty big gap for our ages. I think the other problem is she doesnt do anything, at all. So while im working mon-fri 9-5 shes just sat home, bored out of her mind, and so offers to go and meet these blokes. You are right though about the lying. I guess I need to suck it up and just walk away from it. I was with a girl for 3 years and managed to move on from that, so realistically thinking 3 months shouldnt be an issue, it just doesnt feel like that at the moment. Like I said, moved into things too fast
northstar1 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hi, thanks for the reply. Im 23, so theres a good 5 yrs in the age gap. I know thats not such a biggy in later life (i.e 25 & 30) but it seems like a pretty big gap for our ages. I think the other problem is she doesnt do anything, at all. So while im working mon-fri 9-5 shes just sat home, bored out of her mind, and so offers to go and meet these blokes. You are right though about the lying. I guess I need to suck it up and just walk away from it. I was with a girl for 3 years and managed to move on from that, so realistically thinking 3 months shouldnt be an issue, it just doesnt feel like that at the moment. Like I said, moved into things too fast You are right, the age gap at that age can be substantial. Some big red flags there to consider. From the outside, it appears that when she's with you, she's with you, but when she isn't, she isn't. And you deserve better than that my friend. Back off and do your own thing. Im curious, what do you really like about this girl, or have with common interests that you see being a reason to stick around?
Author jon3105 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks northstar. That does make a lot of sense, and I think the reason part of me wants to stay with her is because she seems like a completely different person when im with her. We get on really well, have good conversations, laugh, etc and share a lot of common interests. Its just the rest of the time, when we are apart. I think she is heavily influenced by her friends, and hence why she seems like 2 completely different people at times. Like you say, it does feel like when shes with me, shes with me and when shes not, shes not.
northstar1 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks northstar. That does make a lot of sense, and I think the reason part of me wants to stay with her is because she seems like a completely different person when im with her. We get on really well, have good conversations, laugh, etc and share a lot of common interests. Its just the rest of the time, when we are apart. I think she is heavily influenced by her friends, and hence why she seems like 2 completely different people at times. Like you say, it does feel like when shes with me, shes with me and when shes not, shes not. Well, not to generalize too much here, but most at that age are heavily influenced by friends. They just want to have 'fun' and don't really think of the outcome. So while she may really enjoy her time with you, when she's not she's only thinking about herself and her friends. So take that as a good sign that there would be more trouble ahead. You want a girl who is 'with' you all the time, not just when she feels like it. Don't ever accept less than you deserve.
tanbark813 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Always, always, always go with your gut.
Surfer Dude Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I have a pretty decent and straightforward solution to your problem: Always keep dating multiple women at once. That will prevent you from getting desperate about only one woman. No matter what others tell you, disregard it. Once you adopt this mindset and accept it as your own, the door to a whole new world will open. I really don't buy into monogamy BS, because let's face it, women always keep looking for something better even when they say they're committed to one man, why shouldn't you? Keep your harem well populated and desperation is something you will never experience again!
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 No, you're not just always "going to be like this" if you end up in a relationship with somebody trustworthy. I had 5 years of lies and cheating from my X. I don't keep an eye out for signs of the same with new BF - they simply don't exist even though I know he has female friends and his ex still wants him. It's a TOTALLY different feeling. So I agree - go with the gut.
Author jon3105 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys. I do have a really strong gut feeling with this one unfortunatly, guess I need to follow that now rather than things being even more complicated 6-12 months down the line. Just as a little update, she sent me a text at 2.30am! saying "hi, sorry I couldnt text or answer the phone, been driving", for the record id tried to ring and text her at 8.30pm. I was awake at the time and just sent a text back blunty saying "I dont know anyone who goes of for a drive that lasts 6 hours".
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 LOL...yeah, where the hell is she driving for 6 hours? I have a hard time with cheaters. And even if she's not cheating (yet), she's still quite obviously lying. I'm glad you're not letting her BS you.
DunnoWhat Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Sounds like shes not good enough for you. Tell her it's over and explain your reasons why. Don't be angry with her just calmly tell her you don't trust her and she had ruined her chance. Good luck with it.
Author jon3105 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I’ve since found out that instead of “just going for a drive” she was actually out with a load of blokes smoking pot until the early hours of the morning, and then drove home. Obviously I’m not happy about that, but I wouldn’t care half as much if she had just told me it in the first place, it’s the lies I hate. Even when I’d found out about it and she admitted it she continued to lie about little details like she’d met them at 6pm, when I know she had to pick her mum up from work at 7pm so that was a lie. I don’t understand why anyone would need to continue to lie about stuff like that unless there was something else to hide?? I also discovered she’d since text that guy she met up with, asking him to meet her last Wednesday morning while I was at work. She claims she just wanted to talk to him because she felt bad about shooting him down so bluntly. I’ve told her that if I ever find out she’s lied to me again, even about the most simplest thing, I wont even give her the time of day for a break up talk, I will just be off. But I still feel like a complete moron for even doing that, if this was one of my friends I would have told them to bolt it long ago, so why am I having such a hard time ending this when it is what any normal person would do?? She clearly can’t be trusted, and like I said, I have enough issues with trust as it is, I just guess im worried that theres the chance she is being genuine and these guys are just friends of hers, but I know im an idiot for that way of thinking/hoping. I suppose theres just the other side of me that’s just afraid of going back to being single and having to start out all over again. I do genuinely like her, and as said, shes a completely different person when shes with me which is what makes it hard, I wish she was a bitch all the time, would make it a much easier decision.
tanbark813 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 She claims she just wanted to talk to him because she felt bad about shooting him down so bluntly. Please tell me you didn't fall for that. im worried that theres the chance she is being genuine Why would you waste time on someone if there's just a chance they might be genuine? Find someone who is genuine. I suppose theres just the other side of me that’s just afraid of going back to being single and having to start out all over again. This fear of loss is your biggest problem. Get rid of that and you'll be much better off. Realize that you went out with girls before this one (I assume) and you're going to go out with girls after this one. There are billions of people on the planet, man. The odds that this girl is the only one for you is slimmer than the lottery.
Deus_Ex_Machina Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Always, always, always go with your gut. I concur 100%.
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