TrustInYourself Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Treat the problems as problems, not symptoms of the people you love. What do you think about this? I think this is a major concern for a ton of us who have problems in a marriage. We associate our problems to the person, rather than addressing our own reactions/actions. We feed the cycle, rather than recognizing and adjusting, without losing our own perspective and identity. I think too many people consider change, a concession of who they are. Change can be growth. So why oppose change, especially when the benefits can be mutually beneficial to two people involved in the relationship. Perhaps the wrong forum to post this, but I think it's still important. What do you all think?
skinman Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 What do you think about this? I think this is a major concern for a ton of us who have problems in a marriage. We associate our problems to the person, rather than addressing our own reactions/actions. We feed the cycle, rather than recognizing and adjusting, without losing our own perspective and identity. I think you hit the nail on the head... In my situation my stbxw thought I was the reason for her unhappiness and problems not realizing the problems lie within herself. When I could tell she was upset and it was obvious I would try my best to help her out and understand what was wrong. Usually my actions to help her were fought with resistence and that in turn would cause me to react towards her... It got to the point sometimes she would forget all about what she was upset about in the first place and take her anger out on me for trying to help. There were times that I realize now that I should have done things differently like listening to her instead of offering suggestions to help her or fix what the problem was...
in a daze Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 i agree 100% but in my case, i never really knew what the problems were until we had a big blowout. now she says she is not sure if she can forget the pain. she does admit she never really came out and told me, but what good is that. so we sit separated( going on 10 days) and seeing a counselor, with me giving her space. we do talk daily because of our child and there is absolutely no fights or malce, but i still have a hard time dealing with the fact that if she was MORE outspoken to the problems, they would of been dealt with then and not now when it might be too late
dead-dyke Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think you're right, TIY. Just recently, my ex and I have spent some time together due to a family medical scare, and it really opened up the lines. I think she's still bashful and embarrassed, but I could swear she was tippy toeing around an apology......... My parents also told me she actually mentioned to my mum that she noticed the change in my attitude. Doesn't mean we're getting back together, but still pretty important to me.
Alan430 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Treat the problems as problems, not symptoms of the people you love. What do you think about this? I think this is a major concern for a ton of us who have problems in a marriage. We associate our problems to the person, rather than addressing our own reactions/actions. We feed the cycle, rather than recognizing and adjusting, without losing our own perspective and identity. I think too many people consider change, a concession of who they are. Change can be growth. So why oppose change, especially when the benefits can be mutually beneficial to two people involved in the relationship. Perhaps the wrong forum to post this, but I think it's still important. What do you all think? I do agree with this. How you percieve the problems dictates on how you react. Its all to east to percieve the others problems as they dont care dont try, and when you percieve the problems like this it builds resentment.
Shin0bi1 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Treat the problems as problems, not symptoms of the people you love. What do you think about this? I think this is a major concern for a ton of us who have problems in a marriage. We associate our problems to the person, rather than addressing our own reactions/actions. We feed the cycle, rather than recognizing and adjusting, without losing our own perspective and identity. I think too many people consider change, a concession of who they are. Change can be growth. So why oppose change, especially when the benefits can be mutually beneficial to two people involved in the relationship. Perhaps the wrong forum to post this, but I think it's still important. What do you all think? TIY, first of all giving you a shout out and wanna see how ya doin. Second, I agree with you change can be a major growth in our lives if it is for the better. All the changes that happened to me were for myself and my son and so far everything has been positive. I learned a lot from the marriage, the divorce, and being a single dad. I feel I have gained a lot of insight and wisdom in this experience. I am content right now and at peace with myself and my relationship with my son is getting stronger and stronger. I stopped feeding the cycle long ago as you mentioned and feel good about it. In the end, i held unto my principles and my love for life and family/friends and I pulled thru the darkness. Now if only this economy would change so we can get past this recession and financial headaches! Peace, Shin0bi1
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