Els Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 How many of you would consider a long-term relationship with someone who has mild but chronic depression, assuming all other aspects of the relationship are wonderful? That's the biggest worry I have about the guy I'm with. His depression is mild enough that he can function quite well while in it -- it doesn't really affect his studies, work, etc. However, it seems to be the way he responds to any significant problems/challenges in life. To clarify, he used to not tell me about it, and hides it quite successfully, except that he's quieter and seems distracted when he's in it. He doesn't mistreat me or wrongly blame me for it. He tells me about it now because he trusts that I will understand and not be affected too badly about it, and because I ask him to. Given all that, it really doesn't seem to be any fault of his. But am I unrealistic in planning to work things through with him and prepare to live with this if I make a long-term commitment? It does get me down a lot, especially since nothing I say or do seems to have very much effect in changing it, although it does seem to cheer him up a little bit. Btw, we just don't DO counselling here where I am, visits to the shrink have VERY bad rep (unfairly so) when listed in one's medical records for applications, and there are no good counsellors around because there is no real work for a well-trained counsellor. Also, his depression is too mild to warrant anti-depressants.
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I will just say a couple of things here. You are not his carer. You are his partner, his lover, his companion and hios friend. But you are not his carer. By this, I mean that you are not emotionally or professionally equipped to be able to look at this objectively, and deal with this clinically. Bear this in mind. Secondly - hard as it may be to believe - his depression is not your problem. By this, I mean that unless you wilfully and deliberately set about creating a circumstance during which his 'condition' deteriorates as a direct result of your words or actions - you can't pe party to his periods of depression. His depression is very much his issue, and whilst of course it is completely natural for you to have sympathy and concern for what he's going through - it's important that you 'detach' yourself from sharing the burden of carrying it for him. A depressed person can develop a dependency on your support, and expect you to be there at all times, in all circumstances, for them. Batting on their side. But you have to draw a fine line between caring for and carrying for..... This relationship has as much of a really good chance of succeeding as well as any other. There isn't one couple alive, past or present, that doesn't have something of an agenda. But with an added complication such as this, it's important to be informed, and wise before the event, as opposed to after it. Stay open eyed, loving and altruistic. But never to your detriment or cost. That is too much to ask of anyone.
Author Els Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Firstly, I'd need to ask... what do you mean by 'something of an agenda'? Thanks btw, very thought-provoking reply... so basically you mean that I should empathize but not let it get to me? That's quite hard to do though, especially when you see someone whom you care for in pain... I think it's 2nd nature to try and make him feel better, somehow, anyhow. Then again, I suppose if I let the fact that I'm not very successful at that get to me and cause friction between us, I'm really doing us both a disservice.
The Collector Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 If he's depressed at all, anti-depressants could help. Citalopram is currently enjoying a good reputation, see if he can get on that.
LouiseC Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 That seems quite similar to my partner. He visited the doctor and he said that he should try taking St John's Wort, which seems to help. I personally think he needs to see a counsellor, but he refuses...
Author Els Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 There's no way you can get a prescription for antidepressants here unless you have clinical depression -- which means it satisfies the DSM-IV criteria, and affects your daily functioning significantly. Even if he could... well, we both go to med school, we know how antidepressants work and their potential side effects (psychotropic drugs are delicate things!), and I too wouldn't want him taking them unless he IS clinically depressed.
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Firstly, I'd need to ask... what do you mean by 'something of an agenda'? What I mean is, that all couples have trials, tribulations, ups and downs. It's a natural part of being with someone. Thanks btw, very thought-provoking reply... so basically you mean that I should empathize but not let it get to me? That's quite hard to do though, especially when you see someone whom you care for in pain... I think it's 2nd nature to try and make him feel better, somehow, anyhow. Then again, I suppose if I let the fact that I'm not very successful at that get to me and cause friction between us, I'm really doing us both a disservice. The only reason you wouldn't be "successful" is because you're not clinically trained to cope with such matters. Nobody would expect you to be, so handling situations like this is going to hit you at a disadvantage, because you're never going to be sure you're "doing it right". And that's ok. Read up everything you can. St John's Wort is great stuff for mild depression. I also take a homeopathic remedy (sepia) because it's compatible with my body-type and constitution. Homeopathy and Bach Flower remedies can be extremely effective. But psychologically, yes, you should make personal efforts to 'protect' yourself too. His problems are not ypour problems. Share, but don't be responsible for him. In every sense of the word. I wish you all the best.
Author Els Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 I suppose I might suggest that to him if it gets worse, but, strangely enough, the ones who actually study medicine seem to be the ones who are most skeptical of herbal remedies, even though they're often a part of the curriculum. I am rather skeptical too myself, but I've tried valerian and it does work somewhat, so... Thank you, Geisha. I just can't seem to help the impulse to NEED to do something when someone I care for is in pain, although I KNOW I'm not clinically trained, though. Unfortunately, my insistence in trying to 'draw him out' and cheer him up because I just can't stand seeing him like that sometimes makes it worse.
jasminetea Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Elswyth, I think that we all have that impulse and I understand how difficult it can be to stem it. However, sometimes the impulse is to give others what we think we would want but that isn't necessarily what the other person actually wants. Trying to 'cheer up' someone with depression is a way of invalidating their feelings. It says to them "You are wrong to feel bad", this is why it sometimes makes it worse. Instead, recognising the negative feelings and and recognising that the person himself, isn't wrong or broken or worse than anyone else, for having them, can be reassuring and help to lead to greater feelings of security and contentment. Of course this is only a small part of what is helpful, as you know. The main thing to remember is not to jump in that dark hole with him. Sympathy is not helpful, but empathy is. Yes, he is depressed; yes, it is a real feeling; no, he's not going to lose you through it (if you decide to stay with him): BUT he must work with you in discovering how best to manage the condition for both of you and in that time you need to maintain your own emotional health. If someone has a medical condition, whether that be physical, mental or emotional, that condition is going to present an ongoing battle to be dealt with, not just for them but for anyone who they have a relationship with. There is often no cure, no end to the condition and after a lifetime's support you won't get a prize for sticking it out. Heaven won't give you the most sparkly halo for loving someone who has an medical condition and he won't reward you by eventually becoming the most perfect man in the world. Likewise there is no punishment for deciding to not pursue the relationship, its just not worth it if it costs you more than you get. We are not bottomless pits of support and love, we need topping up quite frequently! Lastly, whichever decision you make, go into it wholeheartedly
Author Els Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Oh, I certainly think it's worth it!... at the moment, at least. What I worry about is that since, as you said, it's probably going to be lifetime and ongoing, would I still think it's worth it several years down the road? What happens if it becomes more than I can bear when we're married with kids? Would it be my fault for not recognising a 'red flag' early on and not thinking harder about whether or not I should do the long haul? But yet, wouldn't it be so stupid to throw away someone whom I connect amazingly with, who's compatible with me in practically all aspects, because of something that he can't control and that he tries to prevent from affecting me negatively? However, when he's in it, it's just... infectious... I feel down too... and I used to be with a guy who had 'serotonin overload', as we called it, he was just :bunny::bunny: all the time! So it takes a bit of getting used to... any tips for NOT 'jumping in the black hole with him'? Btw, yes, I get what you mean about trying to cheer him up not actually being what HE needs.. but then what DO i do, in concrete terms? How do I 'empathise' and 'recognise'? This is complicated by the fact that it's an LDR most of the time...
jasminetea Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Really you're asking the question that everyone asks going into a serious relationship. Essentially - "will it work out?" And just like with any other relationship, there are no definitive answers. Just like in any relationship, its important to maintain one's own identity and one's own life and it's important to take responsibility for one's own happiness and not rely on the other person to fulfill all parts of your life. So keep your friendships going, maintain your relationship with your family, progress with your hobbies, work hard and pamper yourself every now and then. Before going into this relationship discuss with him your anxieties and how they can be addressed by you both. Discuss what may happen in the future and how you will deal with it at the time, talk about solutions now when there isn't a problem, it will make it far easier to implement them when there is.
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