GrassIsAlwaysGreener Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Oh people, I desperately need help! I've been a lurker for about a month now. I look on here whenever I need a dose of reality and strength to leave my MM. I had no intentions of getting involved with a MM (seems to be the trend, alot of people don't set out to fall in love with a married person). I met him and he lied about his wife. I had no idea he was married. It's a long story how I found, but I found out about a month after the affair started. At that point, he had me hook, line, and sinker. I knew I should've left him then, but I couldn't. I tried. Oh, how I did try. Fast forward to less than a week ago (about two months into our A). I left him (finally after mustering the courage). I told him I could never be with him as long as he was married. He told me on the second day of our break up that he was ready to leave his wife. That he loves me, he can't stand not being with me, yada, yada, yada. But he immediately wants to move in with me. One would think I'd be jumping up and down for joy! But I'm not. I'm worried and scared and having doubts. He has children. I have a three year kiddo at home, too. I just don't know what to do. I never thought in a million years that he'd actually leave her. I think he's been wanting to, but this was just the push that he needed. I do love him, I'm just confused. THANK YOU! And please say kind words
Enema Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 He's lied before, he could be lying now. That said, you've only been dating for what, 2 months? That's too soon to move in together even if he does separate from his wife. Do you think the basis of a good healthy relationship is for him to separate and move straight into the arms and home of another woman? No. He needs to separate from his wife and get his own place. Then, you can start dating.
NoIDidn't Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 DON'T LET HIM MOVE IN WITH YOU LIKE THIS!!!! Don't. If he's leaving, he needs his own place. You are not his "Night Nurse" to help him get through the boo-boo of leaving his marriage. If he moves in with you, you will be a nothing more than his place to crash while he gets over the loss of his marriage. Sure, you might have sex and it would be great. But, you can have great sex while he lives somewhere else. That's all I have to say for now.
Author GrassIsAlwaysGreener Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 See, I knew there was a reason I posted! For wisdom! When I read your posts, it makes sense. And sense is not something I can make of right now (definitely not on my own). We're having lunch tomorrow to discuss the next step in our relationship. This is all just too overwhelming. There's no doubt in my mind we're meant to be together, I just don't want to mess it up.
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Realize that even having lunch with you is just continuing the lies. If you have set a "boundary" that you won't be with him while he's married....then you need to follow through and enforce that. Tell him that lunch tomorrow is off...and will remain off until you see the final divorce papers in his hand, indicating that the divorce is final, he's moved out and not living with his wife, and that he's now free to date. Anything less than this will just set the stage for you to stay in the affair forever...or until his wife finds out.
Shygirl15 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 He lied to you from the beginning when he said he wasn't married. He's not to be trusted. If he has the courage to leave his wife for you, I believe he'll have no problem leaving you for another woman when he's bored with you.
katterskacy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I had no intentions of getting involved with a MM (seems to be the trend, alot of people don't set out to fall in love with a married person). I met him and he lied about his wife. I had no idea he was married. It's a long story how I found, but I found out about a month after the affair started. At that point, he had me hook, line, and sinker. I knew I should've left him then, but I couldn't. I tried. Oh, how I did try. Fast forward to less than a week ago (about two months into our A). I left him (finally after mustering the courage). I told him I could never be with him as long as he was married. He told me on the second day of our break up that he was ready to leave his wife. That he loves me, he can't stand not being with me, yada, yada, yada. But he immediately wants to move in with me. I say take all the advice that was given to you already on here. I know from my own experiance(see my posts) that if he lied once, he WILL lie again. You said that he had you hook, line and sinker. I felt that also and I fell for it ALL hook,line and sinker.. I chose to believe his lies and look where Iam now..... a year and a half later....the WHOLE truth comes out and I'm finally all able to see the writing on the wall and it is not pretty. I'm a complete wreck and if I would have asked advice months ago I would probably not be the mess that Iam now. You posted here for a reason, in your gut you felt something. Follow that feeling. You were right that you told him you would not be with him until he was not married. If he really wants to be with you and not the wife, then he will be and he will do it right. Good luck to you and keep us posted!
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Tell him you won't have any intimacy with him until he has been on his own for a while. And a while meaning atleast 6 months. He is caught between staying and leaving..He says he's leaving but how do you know? This guy LIED to you and didn't say a word about being married. He's cheated on his wife, lied to her, betrayed her, so what makes you think he will be trustworthy with you? I wonder if his wife even knows he's planning on moving out, let alone his 3 children. I seriously doubt it.. Go talk all you want, all you're going to hear is "I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that." You think in 2 days since you went NC with him, all is fine and settled at home? You think his children even know about this? Again, I doubt it. He has you fooled big time and it's your choice if you want to believe him and get hurt.
Lucky_One Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I am stepping away from the whole affair aspect, for this response. YOU DON'T KNOW THIS MAN. DO NOT LET HIM MOVE INTO YOUR HOME, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE A YOUNG CHILD. You have NO idea what this guy is like on a 24/7/365 basis. If he moves out, then date him. For at LEAST a year. Learn what he is really like (although even after a year, you still won't fully know him).
quankanne Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Tell him that lunch tomorrow is off...and will remain off until you see the final divorce papers in his hand, indicating that the divorce is final, he's moved out and not living with his wife, and that he's now free to date. yep – don't believe a word he says until you see a certified document from the court saying he is indeed divorced. Ant tell him that if he really, REALLY wants to be with you, then he's going to have to court you properly, not expect to shack up with you because he's expecting you to be his love !!! you deserve to be treated much better than he's been treating you, honey. And the only way you're going to be treated better is if you're firm about your expectations and not waver, no matter how much you want to.
CrazyTammy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 How much money does this fool have? Leaving his wife sure... for how long? Now is the time where he needs you most so hit the jewelery stores! See how big his heart is through his wallet. Sounds shallow but this will speak loud and clear. Also, make this hard on him to see how far this waffle turd will go. Do things like say you want to move accross the country and don't want his kids to stay more than a weekend. Stop giving him any form of sex once he moves out on her and see how long he can take it. Everytime you go out invite your friends who like to drink a lot. Push him over the edge to see what you can really get from him in the long run. Men are whimps so show him who is in the driver seat! Peace, Tammy
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 How much money does this fool have? Leaving his wife sure... for how long? Now is the time where he needs you most so hit the jewelery stores! See how big his heart is through his wallet. Sounds shallow but this will speak loud and clear. Also, make this hard on him to see how far this waffle turd will go. Do things like say you want to move accross the country and don't want his kids to stay more than a weekend. Stop giving him any form of sex once he moves out on her and see how long he can take it. Everytime you go out invite your friends who like to drink a lot. Push him over the edge to see what you can really get from him in the long run. Men are whimps so show him who is in the driver seat! Peace, Tammy ROFL...follow this advice...see who's in charge. Garaunteed that ONE of you will end up kicked to the curb in the long run, working this way. Just what, EXACTLY, does this gain the OP??? Besides all his money, of course.
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Read Tammy's posts - there's a warmhearted, altruistic, generous and caring tone to all of them. She truly is one of life's selfless givers. A typical Loveshack member if ever I met one..... Ok, I lied. So sue me.
Reggie Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I don't understand why you could not break up with him after you found out he is married. Were you drugged?
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Reggie, did you not read this....? ..... At that point, he had me hook, line, and sinker. I knew I should've left him then, but I couldn't. I tried. Oh, how I did try. Fast forward to less than a week ago ....I left him (finally after mustering the courage). I told him I could never be with him as long as he was married. My personal view is that if she managed it a week ago - how was that different to the first time she 'tried' to leave him? Really honestly a bit puzzled by that... :confused:
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I just don't know what to do. I never thought in a million years that he'd actually leave her. well looks like he is now. You wanted to be the OW as long as he didn't leave his family. Geez:o I think he's been wanting to, but this was just the push that he needed. I do love him, I'm just confused. You love a liar and a cheater? Well, I guess now that he is leaving his wife to be with you, he can be your problem now. In no time when the relationship gets comfortable, he'll be lying about you to another woman he will get designs on. THANK YOU! And please say kind words ok, dump him and save your self-respect.
CrazyTammy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 ROFL...follow this advice...see who's in charge. Garaunteed that ONE of you will end up kicked to the curb in the long run, working this way. Just what, EXACTLY, does this gain the OP??? Besides all his money, of course. Men play a game and is better to be one step ahead! Peace, Tammy
Reggie Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Men play a game and is better to be one step ahead! Peace, Tammy Yep, just got back from pickup basketball. Tammy is right. This guy just kept blowing by me. Should have listened to the Tamster. Even then, the mind may have been willing....
Reggie Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Reggie, did you not read this....? My personal view is that if she managed it a week ago - how was that different to the first time she 'tried' to leave him? Really honestly a bit puzzled by that... :confused: Presumably, she was in a coma:bunny:
KismetGirl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 ROFL...follow this advice...see who's in charge. Garaunteed that ONE of you will end up kicked to the curb in the long run, working this way. Just what, EXACTLY, does this gain the OP??? Besides all his money, of course. Every one of Tammy's posts are so ridiculously absurd that I have to stop and wonder if she's pulling our leg, but then I am forced to accept that the world really is full of idiots. I suspect her genius is what attracts her many boyfriends, as she stated in another posting. Or that her kids get to sit upstairs while she shags the various boyfriends downstairs. Or that if her kids' father(s) stopped paying child support rather than fight him for it she would dump her kids on the dad because she doesn't feel like paying for their stuff, and besides she could really "use the money". Obviously, it is with great pleasure that I am reminded that the ability to reproduce is obviously not inherently attached to maintaining an IQ above 67. Seriously, check out her other posts. They're good for a laugh.
bentnotbroken Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Keep this person away from your child. :eek:The only hting that you know about him is he is a cheating liar. Is that what you want your child to be around? Run, don't walk.
2sure Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Grass... You are a single mother and you need to take that perspective. OK, you love him and he loves you. 2 months is really not long enough to introduce a man you are dating to a 3 year old...it is out of the question to have him move in with you and your child. First, because it is too risky emotionally for your child, next - it might even be unsafe for your child and last - being a single mom is tough enough, you cannot burden yourself with more. Is he telling you that his living with you immediately is a CONDITION of his leaving his wife?? By jumping right into your life, as a virtual stranger - you are welcoming all of the pain and drama that he and his family will go through. You bring all of this right to your childs doorstep. Good he is leaving his wife. Good you are in love. DO IT THE RIGHT WAY. Also, if he doesnt move in, you have no risk that he will involve you in the back & forth that almost always happens. I am betting this: If you tell him he cannot move in...he will tell you he cannot leave his wife & kids...and it will be your fault.
Lucky_One Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 He's just trying to reel you back in. He's not leaving.
Author GrassIsAlwaysGreener Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 CrazyTammy - you crack me up! That was pretty funny! I didn't meet him for lunch today. It was hard not to, but I didn't. How is my leaving him this time different? Well, at some point I have to mean it, right? Why wait before I'm sucked in so deep it'll be years later and I'm still in the same boat? Won't it hurt more then? I do want to be with him, I just don't want him living with me yet. And I needed to make sure I was being sane on that decision. Seems as though I was! I needed some encouragement. Kinda like living in a fog and I needed to be steered in the right direction and you people always seem to be so honest; whether or not a person wants to hear it. I stayed with him after I found out he was married because I was already sucked in. I'm not sure what it was about him. And I was a sucker. I appreciate the advice I got on here. I will NOT let him move in with me and I will NOT be with him till he is actually living on his own and all that. I know I will follow through. I have to follow through. I can't keep beating myself up over this. He has done nothing but lie to me and feed me b.s. Who knows if he was really going to leave her. I know this - so why does it hurt so much? I hate that I love him. I need to dig deep and find that hard @$$ girl within me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 He wants to move in immediately with you for a reason. He intends to stage a fight with his W, tell her he needs a "few days to cool off" and while he is staying with you, he will convince you to wait it out until he is divorcing. I'm sure he would say something like... "would I be here right now if I weren't serious?". A week might go back and then he will say that he needs to go home to tie up loose ends. He will not come back to your place. He will simply stay at home, and try to keep his W hanging on just like he did with you. That's the thing with MM. They want affairs, not divorces. It is unfortunate that people seem to think that having an affair automatically means "I want a divorce". Quite the contrary. They'll stay married for as long as you tolerate it. When you stop tolerating it, they usually just let you go. Sometimes, they do leave. These are the ones who were on the way out anyway. If he wasn't considering leaving before the affair, he most likely isn't ever going to leave - affair or not. What to do? Tell him that when he shows you signed and legal divorce papers and a lease on his new place, then he can contact you. Until that time, he is to consider you completely off limits physically, mentally, emotionally. No contact whatsoever.
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