KismetGirl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Oh for the love of god....ok, I am an OW, right, so don't give me flack on my opinion, I have never cheated on anyone myself, and never will. But seriously, this is not the end of the freaking world. You've been dating this guy TWO WEEKS. I can guarantee you that I don't know any guys that think a relationship is serious after two weeks no matter how many times you've f**ked them in those two weeks. And I've been the type of girl who is always "one of the guys", have tons of very good guy friends, and know very well how the young ones think. That's one. Second, just TELL him if it's bothering you that much. I've no idea how old you are, but I'm guess from the content of your posts and attitude towards relationships that you're probably really young. And that's coming from someone who's 26 years old, so don't think I'm some old fart. Say "ok, I want to be honest with you. I went to Tom's house, got really wasted, and when I was sleeping next to him he tried to feel me up. I didn't stop him right away cause I felt bad and was trying to think of how to brush him off without totally being mean because I thought he's my friend. I should have just got up and moved but I didn't, I froze for some reason. I'm really sorry, I'll never let something stupid like that happen again, but I wanted to be honest with you." End of story. it's really simple. It's not like you've been married to the guy for ten years. It's been two effing weeks. Just be honest, tell him what happened, and he'll either appreciate your honesty and move past it, or say he's not into it. With all due respect, after two weeks of dating, you have no idea how long you'd be dating anyway. I won't even call a guy my boyfriend unless we've been dating at least several months. Sex does not = boyfriend. People are making too big a deal out of this and delving into it way too much. Tell him and relieve the apparent stress you are having, and just deal with it. Learn to be a big girl and not get so f**ked up that you don't know what you're doing. I can guarantee you I've been very drunk and on various other substances in my lifetime and college days, and never once in my entire life have I ever blamed a stupid decision on it because I never lose control no matter how much I am partying. A stupid decision is yours and yours alone. Alcohol and drugs, however, cannot be handled well by all people, so if you are one of those, now you know better than to get massively effed up when you are in other people's company. You're lucky that was a "friend" who didn't go further. Next time it could be some bigger douchebag who tries to rape you. Sorry if I sounded harsh anywhere in here, but really, there are many complicated situations and long relationships on this board and its hard to tell people what to do, but in your case, this is really, really simple. Just tell him, say youre sorry, and learn your lesson and don't do it again. Good luck!
Dexter Morgan Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Oh for the love of god....ok, I am an OW, right, so don't give me flack on my opinion, I have never cheated on anyone myself, and never will. But seriously, this is not the end of the freaking world. You've been dating this guy TWO WEEKS. I can guarantee you that I don't know any guys that think a relationship is serious after two weeks no matter how many times you've f**ked them in those two weeks. I had someone after about 3 weeks of working towards a relationship go off and messed around with an X-bf. When I found out, she was history. Whether the relationship was serious or not was irrelevant. I didn't want someone that could so easily go off and do that if they thought they wanted something serious with me.
LakesideDream Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Kismet, so correct. Dating TWO WEEKS is not a committment of any kind. This is the height of silly. People date to have fun and to judge their compatibility. This thread sounds like a bunch of old maids who are so afraid of everyone and everything that they want a letter of committment before sleeping with someone for the first time. Nobody is emotionally exclusive after two weeks. This gal doesen't owe her BF/Dating partner anything that she doesen't want to share with him. If she feels "guilty" don't do it again. We live and learn. The learning will make her a better partner someday. Much better now than after some poor shlub puts a ring on her finger. Get over it guys, dating two weeks.... sheeeseh
Dexter Morgan Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Kismet, so correct. Dating TWO WEEKS is not a committment of any kind. This is the height of silly. People date to have fun and to judge their compatibility. This thread sounds like a bunch of old maids who are so afraid of everyone and everything that they want a letter of committment before sleeping with someone for the first time. Nobody is emotionally exclusive after two weeks. This gal doesen't owe her BF/Dating partner anything that she doesen't want to share with him. Then why is she worried about what he'll think? You are right, she doesn't owe him fidelity, but she does owe him honesty if she thinks they are working towards a relationship. Exclusivity or not, her 2 week interest should be able to decide whether he wants to continue on with her after what happened. She may not owe him fidelity, but she owes him the choice of the type of person he might want to find himself with. So she needs to tell him. THAT she does owe him.
LakesideDream Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Then why is she worried about what he'll think? You are right, she doesn't owe him fidelity, but she does owe him honesty if she thinks they are working towards a relationship. Exclusivity or not, her 2 week interest should be able to decide whether he wants to continue on with her after what happened. She may not owe him fidelity, but she owes him the choice of the type of person he might want to find himself with. So she needs to tell him. THAT she does owe him. Dexter, if she told him before the incident that she would be exclusive to him... then she owes him disclosure nothing else. Somehow I don't think that happened. Forcing people who are "dating" to be exclusive the minute they go on their first date is not reasonable.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Dexter, if she told him before the incident that she would be exclusive to him... then she owes him disclosure nothing else. Somehow I don't think that happened. Forcing people who are "dating" to be exclusive the minute they go on their first date is not reasonable. I never said anyone should be exclusive the minute they go on their first date isn't reasonable. But it is reasonable that someone should be able to decide for themselves whether someone that could easily go off and fool around, exclusivity or not, when they are trying to work towards something. Just like in my situation years ago. A girl and I were dating for about 3 weeks. We liked each other and were taking it slow. Then she goes off and messes around with another guy. Guess I wasn't too important to her afterall. She said I couldn't be mad at her since we weren't bf and gf. I agreed and told her I wasn't mad at her. Then she asked if we are still dating....I simply said, "no". If I was so insignificant to her that she could mess around with someone else while trying to build something with me, then she wasn't the type of person i wanted to be with and the information that she was a runaround was information I deserved to know.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Dexter, if she told him before the incident that she would be exclusive to him... then she owes him disclosure nothing else. IF she had told him that, then she owes him fidelity too. And IF she had NOT told him that, then she still owes him disclosure, unless she has no plans of working on a relationship with him.
LakesideDream Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I never said anyone should be exclusive the minute they go on their first date isn't reasonable. But it is reasonable that someone should be able to decide for themselves whether someone that could easily go off and fool around, exclusivity or not, when they are trying to work towards something. Just like in my situation years ago. A girl and I were dating for about 3 weeks. We liked each other and were taking it slow. Then she goes off and messes around with another guy. Guess I wasn't too important to her afterall. She said I couldn't be mad at her since we weren't bf and gf. I agreed and told her I wasn't mad at her. Then she asked if we are still dating....I simply said, "no". If I was so insignificant to her that she could mess around with someone else while trying to build something with me, then she wasn't the type of person i wanted to be with and the information that she was a runaround was information I deserved to know. I would have done the same thing you did. The difference in opinion is with the "owes" and "responsibilities" two people dating for two weeks should share. There is also an assumption that the woman (girl?) was "working toward something" at the two week stage. Personally if it were my daughter I'd be cautioning her to be in the causual dating, getting comfortable stage at the six month mark. As I have matured I rely less on my teenage/young adult experiances when examining todays issues. The situations are just to different.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I would have done the same thing you did. The difference in opinion is with the "owes" and "responsibilities" two people dating for two weeks should share. There is also an assumption that the woman (girl?) was "working toward something" at the two week stage. Personally if it were my daughter I'd be cautioning her to be in the causual dating, getting comfortable stage at the six month mark. Notice when referring to whether or not they were working towards a relationship I said "if". If they were working on a relationship, but not committed, then she still owes him honesty as far as I'm concerned. If they are NOT working on any kind of "something", then no big deal. But if thats the case then why does she feel bad? Nothing to feel bad about if the latter is true, right? yet she is concerned with what she did which leads me to believe that she is working on "something" with him. now whether she owes him fidelity at this point could be debatable. But she does owe him disclosure. Otherwise he may be working on "something" with her without really knowing what he is getting himself into and who he is getting into it with.
Ramrod Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I couln't agree with Dexter's position anymore. Evidence of the fact she should tell is her guilty conscience and her conflict over whether her response to his reaction will do additional damage. On the one hand, she wants to cleanse her conscience, she feels guilty, because she knows she'd be upset if the roles were reversed. On the other hand, she wants it to be strictly her business, but will very likely defend her right to have her cake and eat it too if push comes to shove. Why? Because deep down inside she is all about her wants, needs, and desires, she loves to have her ego-fed, and her friend groping her in a compromised state obviously gratified her fragile psyche. And she wants to reserve the right to do as she pleases when she pleases and with whomever she pleases, but she knows this guy, who cares for her to some degree, will not accept these terms, no self-respecting man would, and the news will probably result in his having a lowered opinion of her. She wants to be all that and a bag of chips in his mind, while in her own mind, she is conflicted over whether she can be loyal, honest and faithful to anyone for any length of time. You can tell him now, or tell him later, it's your choice. The odds of ya'll putting this behind you are greater if you tell him now, before you talk, text, email, touch, hold or kiss him again. I know I would want to know, reread Dex's posts, we men want to know whether or not a woman is trustworthy and loyal from the get-go. If she has issues, we want them to be disclosed, upfront and in full detail, if you have esteem problems, work them out, but not inside of a relationship.
Owl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Notice when referring to whether or not they were working towards a relationship I said "if". If they were working on a relationship, but not committed, then she still owes him honesty as far as I'm concerned. If they are NOT working on any kind of "something", then no big deal. But if thats the case then why does she feel bad? Nothing to feel bad about if the latter is true, right? yet she is concerned with what she did which leads me to believe that she is working on "something" with him. now whether she owes him fidelity at this point could be debatable. But she does owe him disclosure. Otherwise he may be working on "something" with her without really knowing what he is getting himself into and who he is getting into it with. EXACTLY. Whether or not they're committed, she does owe him honesty and truth. Even though she sees this as one colossal mistake (which it was), it still remains up to him as well if he wants to continue a relationship with her. You can't begin a relationship on dishonesty.
lkjh Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think the fact that she chose to post here in the infidelity forum makes it safe to assume that she is working towards something. Otherwise she wouldn't even care
Dexter Morgan Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think the fact that she chose to post here in the infidelity forum makes it safe to assume that she is working towards something. I'd say you are correct. Otherwise she wouldn't even care Which is debatable since she didn't care enough to stop the "friend".
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