xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hi everyone.. so I just got home and I feel terrible and absolutely need to talk with someone and get my worries out on the table. Before I get into details about what happened last night, I'll give a brief summary of the relationship I'm in now: I've been dating a guy for about two weeks now and things are going pretty well. We hang out a couple times a week and we're already sleeping together so I guess you could say that we're getting somewhat serious. Recently, we had an important discussion because I was having a hard time with how often we hung out. In my last relationship, I lived with my ex for about 2 years so this new relationship is getting a bit hard for me when I'm used to seeing my partner everyday... but other than that, it's really awesome and we've been really happy. Now what happened last night... my best friend and I went over to one of our reaaaally good guy friend's new apartment (I'll just call him Tom). We where all drinking, smoking *a lot* of weed, and just having a blast. I was not planning on sleeping there but at about 3 in the morning, I got really burnt out and was falling asleep on the bed (which is also the couch) beside my best friend. Now for the hard stuff... Tom started to cuddle with me... I know he's always liked me, but he has a girlfriend and if I wanted to date him, I'd have done that a long time ago... so I'm really not that interested in him... Anyway, he started to get really close, rubbing my back, rubbing my legs... bitting my ear.... I didn't move much at all, but my breathing did get heavy... This is awkard so bear with me... he went up my shirt... I don't know, I didn't stop him and all I could think about at the time is why I was letting him do this. I could blame it on being intoxicated but I know I'm still completely responsible. He started apologizing but saying that it just felt right to be with me. He kept saying that he wanted me but I just didn't give in. I said no multiple times and told him that I was tired. Giggled a bit and held his hand and just eventually fell asleep... Ultimately, I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he's a precious friend to me.. Waking up a couple hours later, I left without much talk and just been feeling like crap ever since. So everyone, the advice I need is what do I do now? Should I tell my boyfriend about everything? I feel disgusting and I'm scared that I've effed everything up what the hell was I thinking? uhg
michelangelo Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 And you will solve this. And never, ever put yourself in a vulnerable situation at that guy's place on his couch/bed. People always like to say it was the booze and/or drugs that allowed them to make a stupid mistake or do something they say they do not want to do. You avoided a larger mistake - barely. So your solution is simple. Stop getting so drunk or stoned that it effects your decisionmaking and that of the guys hitting on you. You have to realize that your friend? Every time he passed the bong to you or handed you a refill to your drink was planning ahead.
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Exactly...this should be the catalyst for a major change in your actions and behaviors. If you're in a relationship, you don't hang out at another guy's house. You don't get so stoned or drunk you can't take care of yourself. You know now that you're setting yourself up for this to happen again if you keep doing what you're doing...so it's time to change. Drop the weed and alchohol. Don't let yourself get into this situation again. As far as telling him or not...swap this back around on yourself. If he went to a female friends house, and got drunk/stoned out of his mind, and woke up with her "working on him"...you'd want to know, yes? You'd want to make sure that he never went there again, right? There ya go.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Now what happened last night... my best friend and I went over to one of our reaaaally good guy friend's new apartment (I'll just call him Tom). We where all drinking, smoking *a lot* of weed, and just having a blast. I was not planning on sleeping there but at about 3 in the morning, I got really burnt out and was falling asleep on the bed (which is also the couch) beside my best friend. Now for the hard stuff... Tom started to cuddle with me... I know he's always liked me, but he has a girlfriend and if I wanted to date him, I'd have done that a long time ago... so I'm really not that interested in him... Anyway, he started to get really close, rubbing my back, rubbing my legs... bitting my ear.... I didn't move much at all, but my breathing did get heavy... This is awkard so bear with me... he went up my shirt... I don't know, I didn't stop him and all I could think about at the time is why I was letting him do this. I could blame it on being intoxicated but I know I'm still completely responsible. He started apologizing but saying that it just felt right to be with me. He kept saying that he wanted me but I just didn't give in. I said no multiple times and told him that I was tired. Giggled a bit and held his hand and just eventually fell asleep... Ultimately, I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he's a precious friend to me.. Waking up a couple hours later, I left without much talk and just been feeling like crap ever since. Well gee, if you can cheat with someone you really aren't interested in, then what does that say? So everyone, the advice I need is what do I do now? Should I tell my boyfriend about everything? Yes, unless you don't care and plan on continuing to go over to other guy's places, drink and smoke pot. I feel disgusting and I'm scared that I've effed everything up Well again, you did this with someone you say you aren't interested in.....which pretty much means you'll f-up with just about anyone then. But you need to lay the cards on the table and let the person you are seeing decide for himself. If he dumps you, learn from this and try not to do it again with someone in the future. If he forgives you, then freakin' quit going over to other guy's houses and staying til the wee hours of the morning.....friend or no friend.
travelgirl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I hate to admit this but I was waiting for Dexter to comment on this post. Seriously girl - you have been serious with this person for all of 2 weeks, are already sleeping and have already almost cheated. Your are getting drunk and smoking pot. SLOW DOWN, geez!
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Having had a couple hours to think about everything since I posted this, I've realized now that I absolutely will never put myself in this sort of scenario again. I was definitely being taken advantage of by my so called "friend" and I take full responsibility for not taking control of the situation. I should have just woken up my girl friend at left and not be concerned for hurting anyone's feelings because now I'm paying the price.
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 And exactly HOW are you going to prevent yourself from getting into this situation again? What, SPECIFICALLY, are you going to do to prevent it?
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 And exactly HOW are you going to prevent yourself from getting into this situation again? What, SPECIFICALLY, are you going to do to prevent it? Specifically? Well when I go out, I will make damn sure that my boyfriend is with me. Unless it's a girls night.. It would be unrealistic to say that I will never drink or smoke again, but I will definitely restrain or limit myself when he is not with me. Also, boyfriend or no boyfriend, I can't put myself in dangerous situations like this one. It's not respectful to myself and definitely does not feel good...
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Your boundaries are too soft...too easy to get washed away in the haze of a good time. If you don't set firm, strong boundaries...then you're only leaving the door open to let this (or worse!) happen again. Take it from an "old guy" who's been there many times in his day...
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Well again, you did this with someone you say you aren't interested in.....which pretty much means you'll f-up with just about anyone then. I completely disagree here. I can see how my actions may prove otherwise but I was definitely not giving in and letting him go any further. I kept my back to the guy the entire time and did not roll over even the slightest... But I feel like an idiot for not stopping him completely right from the start (deep down I wanted too) but I did not want to hurt his feelings. The entire time, I could not think of anyone but my current boyfriend and how uncool this situation is.. but anyway, I disagree.
Bryanp Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I think you need to be truthful to your new boyfriend about what happened. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want him to be truthful to you? You either have a relationship build on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. The choice is yours. I wish you luck.
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I think you need to be truthful to your new boyfriend about what happened. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want him to be truthful to you? You either have a relationship build on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. The choice is yours. I wish you luck. I actually want to tell him everything, but I am worried for the wrong reasons.... Like if I tell him, then I won't feel guilty anymore because I'm being honest. I feel like he deserves to know but then again, should I tell him so soon? I posted this same thread on another website, and the responses I've been getting there have ALL been "Put it behind you, and learn the lesson." "If you know you were wrong & know that you'll never let anything like that happen again, I wouldn't tell the bf. " "Learn from your mistakes - that's what they are there for. I wouldn't tell the boyfriend, no good will come of that and if you are genuinely sorry and are dedicated to not doing it again then - hey this was a wake up call." "No good will come from telling him anything. I think you may want to so you can be absolved of what happened but I doubt it will turn out well. Learn from your mistake and don't put yourself in those types of positions." So now I'm not sure what would be the right thing to do. Should I not say anything now, and wait a few months?
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I'm curious...was the other website "marriage oriented"? Or was it oriented more towards the "OW/OM" side? Or, was it instead a haven for current "WS's"? The answers you got do NOT sound like they came from those who have betrayed...whereas the majority of responses you received here were from "BS's"...betrayed spouses. So...the responses you got HERE were from people who had been in your BF's shoes at one point or another. Have you considered the source of the posts from that "other" website?
Bryanp Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hello again, The other responses you have received are very sad. Your initial gut reaction is to be truthful. If you wait a few months and then tell him, he will wonder why you did not tell him immediately. He will then wonder what else you did not tell him. He then will think that you are awful good at keeping secrets about important things he should know. You need to tell him as soon as possible. You are in a relationship and he deserves to know the truth and deep down you know this. You sound like an intelligent person. You will either have a relationship based on a foundation of trust and honesty or lies and deceit. You tell immediately what happened and he will respect you for telling him immediately and how sorry you are and that it will not happen again. If you do not tell him immediately then you are continuing to disrespect him and playing him for a fool. Being in a relationship means being honest with the person you are involved with. How can you not understand this? Again if the roles were reversed would you want him to deceive you the way you have deceived him by not telling him the truth? I think down deep you know I am correct. Do the right thing: honesty over deceit. I wish you luck.
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 holly crap. Where should I even start when I talk to him about it? How do I bring it up and how much details do I go into?
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 And to Owl, I actually have no idea the background of the website. By the looks of other forum posts, it seems to be people of all different sides.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Seriously girl - you have been serious with this person for all of 2 weeks, are already sleeping and have already almost cheated. If she let the other guy fondle her, and apparantly enjoyed it, and didn't do anything about it, then held his hand the rest of the night, then she cheated. Not almost.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Having had a couple hours to think about everything since I posted this, I've realized now that I absolutely will never put myself in this sort of scenario again. Does this mean no more going over to other guy's pads to party? I was definitely being taken advantage of by my so called "friend" and I take full responsibility for not taking control of the situation. How were you taken advantage of? If that was being taken advantage of, then that means any guy, or gal, that wants to make a move on someone they are interested in is taking advantage. Its not like you were passed out and he did it against your will. You didn't stop him and, by your own words, were breathing heavy which would lead me to believe you started enjoying it. So yes, you didn't take control of the situation. But he didn't take advantage of you. He could have forced himself on you. But he stopped and apologized....did he not? I should have just woken up my girl friend at left and not be concerned for hurting anyone's feelings because now I'm paying the price. I don't think his feelings would have been hurt. I think any guy would understand the words, "I'm so sorry, but I am seeing someone I really care about and this wouldn't be right". Unless he is a total jerk that just wanted in your pants.....then who gives a crap if you insulted or hurt him.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I completely disagree here. I can see how my actions may prove otherwise but I was definitely not giving in and letting him go any further. You didn't stop him. he stopped himself.
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Dexter Morgan.. you're right...
Author xpinksoda Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 You didn't stop him. he stopped himself. When I said I held his hand, that was me keeping him from putting his hands down my pants. But at this point. I don't think that makes a difference.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 When I said I held his hand, that was me keeping him from putting his hands down my pants. But at this point. I don't think that makes a difference. You are correct, it doesn't make a difference. What does is what you do now. I saw the justifications you wrote from the other site of people telling you not to tell. More than likely from people who have cheated themselves. I can tell you that if you want to do the RIGHT thing, you will tell him. he deserves to know. not only that, if you don't ever suffer any real consequences to your actions, you are doomed to repeat those actions. But really, the real reason to tell is that he deserves it. In my case, 8 years of my life was wasted because my xW, then fiance, didn't have the guts to tell me. Sure, I would have called off the wedding, but I should have been afforded that decision. Instead, I feel as if she robbed me of a good part of my life. And those years you never get back. I don't care what anyone else says, if you want to do the right thing, you will come clean and let him decide what he wants to do.
Bryanp Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 XPINKSODA, On the question of how to tell him you might want to consider the following: Write a letter explaining everything that you wish to say and how sorry you are about everything that happened. Sit down with him and give him the letter to read. Ask him not to say anything until he has read the entire letter. This is your chance to tell him the whole truth but also to tell him the way you want to tell him. I wish you luck.
lkjh Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Just tell him. The only reason not to tell is because the cheater is fears what may happen. This"friend" is not a "friend". He is just a guy that you enjoy hanging out with. he wants to bang you and he cheated on his gf with you, all the while making you into a disposable item.
Author xpinksoda Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I've been so absorbed into this all day. I honestly haven't been able to do ANYTHING but keep my eyes glued to the computer reading every article on cheating and relationships.... I am literally obsessing over what I've done and just want it to all go away. I'm considering the suggestions given on how to tell him. but most of them are "just tell him" which I have no idea where to start. I want to take responsibility and tell him in the most unselfish way. I don't want to get absorbed in all of my feelings of guilt and say something wrong.. somehow being insensitive to him.
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