tiredofhurting Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I have been dating my ex for almost four years. Then, a week ago - without any indication that he was unhappy in the relationship, he left me. He had always been a wonderful, open and honest guy. But now, I really don't know who he is. Firstly - he left me via e-mail - and that in itself hurt a hell of a lot Secondly - he wanted to stay friends. He says he does not love me anymore, but still cares I cant be friends with him, I still love him... And now, I heard, less than a week since he dumped me, that he is now dating again. did i mean nothing to him? I am not coping at all, and I really don't know what to do. I really do feel like just walking into the traffic. Please help.
eske Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Was this a long distance relationship? I feel sorry for you.. but being a third party i can see that he was double dating(correct me if i am wrong).. how could he start dating in a week or so..so probably he was seeing that girl when he was with you.. How were you not able to catch him if he was double dating(thats y i asked if it was a long distance thing) Does he care for you?? Maybe he really does, but if he is dating some1 else then that feeling of him caring for you will diminish rapidly.. and when it comes to you well no matter what one says it is going to take time. 4 years is a long time and it hurts like nothing else.. but u have to learn from this.. if u see around u, u will see ppl who are in a much more horrible state of mind but are still going on. and thats how it is.. learn from watever happened between the 2 of u.. Leave him alone completely.. talk to ur friends and family(there is no one like them).. be strong and u will see how u emerge as a winner out of this..
Zapbasket Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 My heart goes out to you so very much. I went through something similar in terms of feeling blindsided when my boyfriend of 5 years ended on me abruptly after moving across the country to be with me. Many others here share this kind of pain and I am sure you will get lots of support here. It's crappy of him to wait until things were irreversible and until he was ready to start dating again to let you go. It doesn't speak well to his maturity level at all. You're justified in feeling indignant, hurt, angry, confused, betrayed, and anything else that comes up for you as you process this. The most important thing right now is for you to reach out to friends and family--anyone you trust to be empathic regarding your situation. Reach out more to the people who are more YOUR friends rather than friends you share with your partner. You'll need this cocoon of guaranteed support. And (this is very important): be GOOD to yourself. You might feel driven to do some pretty desperate things, like call him to ask why, or to plead for him back. Most people will advise against it, but it's pretty hard to resist doing it when you're in the throes of shock and grief. Forgive yourself a priori for any actions that you take that might seem, from a more objective part of yourself, a bit unwise. It's natural. Let yourself cry as much as you need. The more you allow yourself your grief and confusion in the beginning, the better position you'll be in in the coming months to start taking positive steps forward. It sucks so badly. I wish I could give you a big hug ((((( ))))). It's the most useless thing to hear in the beginning, but as it turns out, it's also the truest thing: time, time, time is your dearest companion in the aftermath of something like this. Post here a lot. It's a great crutch to lean on.
Author tiredofhurting Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Hi. No it was not a long distance relationship, and I know he wasn't cheating on me because he is throwing a party to meet this girl, apperantly he only heard from her through family. I am just so angry! He told me cares for me as a friend. When we were still talking, at times, it seemed like he was regretting what he had done, and at other times he just sounded confused. Now he went and did this. He still wanted to stay friends, but when I heard that he was planning on starting to date again, I cutt off all connection with him. He was angry, and demanded that I tell him how I found out about it (through a mutual friend), but I told hi that it doesn't matter and that the damage has been done, and then I deleted him as a friend on IM and and blocked his number from my phone. I just wish i could make him hurt as much....
Dlyrica Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 He is only keeping you as a friend for his own well-being. He probably wants to keep you as a backup in case this girl he doesn't know doesn't work out for him (which she probably won't.) He wants to keep you on a string so he can go do whatever he wants (like throw parties for random girls) while having the satisfaction that you will still be waiting for him when he needs it(because ya'll are 'friends'.) DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. Don't talk to him anymore. He doesn't deserve you. Hang out with your friends, watch funny movies, and keep your mind off things. Trust me, not talking to him will drive him crazy.
eske Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Hi. No it was not a long distance relationship, and I know he wasn't cheating on me because he is throwing a party to meet this girl, apperantly he only heard from her through family. I am just so angry! He told me cares for me as a friend. When we were still talking, at times, it seemed like he was regretting what he had done, and at other times he just sounded confused. Now he went and did this. He still wanted to stay friends, but when I heard that he was planning on starting to date again, I cutt off all connection with him. He was angry, and demanded that I tell him how I found out about it (through a mutual friend), but I told hi that it doesn't matter and that the damage has been done, and then I deleted him as a friend on IM and and blocked his number from my phone. I just wish i could make him hurt as much.... How old are u?? Hi.. Well i know how u r feeling right now.. how do i know?? well i am going through the exact same thing. infact i started my No Contact some 2 days back.. (i have posted also how i feel here) and i can sense ur frustration and feelings.. like u i am also new to this forum.. Well from wat i see he may be totally confused and ripped between choosing his instinct and what his parents want him to do.. i am not defending him at all, but i am telling that he may be so confused that he does not know what he is doing at the given moment.. Are you sure that he is all happy about kinda moving away from u and dating this new girl?? are u sure he is doing it for himself and not for some other external reason?? and yeah as Dlyrica stated he may be keeping friends with u for his well being because its possible that he also may not be liking how things r going but for some reason he cant help it.. he is probably looking out for a friend who can help him in this situation and the only person who he sees around is "U" u have to ask urself some questions.. 1.) were u having a lot of fights or misunderstandings before he dumped u? 2.) u think he was in the relationship only because he wanted physical contact with u??(i dunno about ur physical relationship).. i personally doubt this(4 years is a long time and if he wanted just that he would have done it and left u much earlier).. 3.) have u spoken with him on this.. i dont think so because he just kinda left talkin rite.. before u think of taking any decision on how to act i would suggest that u confront him and ask him wats the problem and ask him why didnt he tell u about this new girl whom his parents want him to see..talk to him before doing anything.. if during that talk u feel he has cheated u by keepin u in the dark then "STOP CONTACTING HIM FROM THEN ON" and purge all ur feelings here and more importantly talk to ur friends and family(there really is none like them).. Feeling bad for someone and wishing for them to get hurt is not the right thing to do u c.. then there wont be much difference between him and u rite.. i am not at all trying to preach here.. all i am saying is if u feel that he lied to u or kept u in the dark then all u have to try to do is move away from him and that would do the trick.. he would be shattered equally if he has something for u and if he does not have anything for u then also its best for u to stop contacting him and accepting wats comin ur way... as mentioned earlier i know how u feel.. because i can relate to it as i am going thru something similar which i too have posted here.. hope things work out for u..
Author tiredofhurting Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 I am a turnign 23, so it isn't a "highscool" romance or anything. When he sent me the e-mail, he said that he feels he is with me out of habit, and not because he loves me. He requested to meet this new girl so that he could "get his mind off me", for although he knows he no-longer loves me, he still misses me. When he just broke it off, I asked him, that if he wants us to stay friends, he should please not date yet - I wouldn't be able to handle it, because although he doesn't love me, I still love him. When I told him that I found out that he is planning on meeting someone new, he was furious, and told me I should stop interfering in his life. It hasn't even been a two weeks yet, like I said, so I was reasonably upset. I told him that he could of at least kept his promise to me, and that I will no-longer interfere with his life. I then deleted him from facebook, and all other contact. I saw before i did this though, that he was flirting with some blond-haired girl on facebook, very pretty, and I felt simply crushed. She is much prettier than me and two years younger. What the hell? He was such a wonderful guy, I can't believe what he is doing to me.... His parents were dissapointed in him for leaving me...
Author tiredofhurting Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 i Just did some thinking now too. I believe the only reason he was with me in the end was because he was feeling guilty. i feel so angry and humiliated about everything!! I think that is why he wanted to stay friends. He didn't love me anymore so it didn't hurt him to leave me but he was feeling guilty. He didn't take into considiration that I was in allot of pain, and he probably didn't care either. I have only ever been in three relationships, and two of my previous boyfriends asked me back after about a week. I doubt this would ever happen with him though. He really really doesn't love me anymore and damn does it hurt, and I feel so,so,so very stupid and used...How the hell am I going to get some of my dignity and selfrespect back? He is probably having a laugh with his friends or telling them how guillable I am. Men are such insignificant idiots, with no emotional maturity. the only thing that makes me feel slightly better now, is the fact that I have a college degree and he doesn't. Maybe I should rather find an intelectual equal next time....If there even is a next time....
Author tiredofhurting Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 What makes me feel even more angry is the fact that he is angry with me now because his stupid friend told me about him looking for a new girl. He has no right to be angry with me or make me out to be some kind of interfering cow! How do I deal with all these terrible emotions? Especially the anger and humilliation?
Dlyrica Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 He has no right to be angry at you. Do not talk to him. Do not talk about him(to ya'lls mutual friends) They will only tell him and make him feel even more secure. He will use you and walk all over you as long as you let him. DO NOT give him this satisfaction any longer. You WILL find love again.
eske Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 What makes me feel even more angry is the fact that he is angry with me now because his stupid friend told me about him looking for a new girl. He has no right to be angry with me or make me out to be some kind of interfering cow! How do I deal with all these terrible emotions? Especially the anger and humilliation? Hi Again.. Well things r so much clear now.. and u r bang on target wen u say that he was or is stickin with u because he feels guilty and u know wat he deserves a kick in his ass.. not because he fell out of love with u (remember he has his rights and thinkin) but because the way he is treating u by just throwin u out of his life.. You deserve much better.. just do not "entertain" him.. its gonna be dead hard to do tat.. but bring some negativity for him in his mind everytime u think about him.. always think about urself first.. well i may not be the best person to guide u because i have just now started my NoContact.. but u deserve much better.. and u r just 23 years old.. u have lots of stuff comin ur way.. use this as a learning experience.. u feel humiliated and used which is true because u r normal human being.. but let this be a lesson to u.. let it be something lie i will be careful and never let anyone treat me like this.. U shud not even try to get back to him.. leave him alone..its gonna be hard.. but vent out ur frustrations on ur family and friends or here.. tell ur friends and family of how u feel.. if u see everything is like a habit u know..u were in the habit of spekin with him and sharing everything with him.. now all of a sudden u cant do tat and tats a sudden change of habit.. and NO ONE likes a change of habit even if the habit is bad(just like cigarette smokin)..but u have to move on and get rid of this guy before he plays around with u... How dare the guy gets furious on u for interfering in his life,he has no right to do that.. he was a part of ur life. wen u enquire about him u r enquiring more about ur life rather than his because he was a part of u.. ne way i think he is not mature enuf to understand all this... u have to move on and ACCEPT things.. i am sure u will do much better.. u will find some1 and tats how it is... When it comes to anger and humiliation.. well try doing different stuff.. spend more time with family.. do something weird something that u have never done before..pamper urself and keep on tellin urself u r good and that u will be fine.. its just a phase..
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