peteyj Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I believe women will only leave if they have someplace else to go. That might mean another man, it might mean a friends place, or even to a parents/siblings house. But the reality is most women I know wouldn't leave their marriages unless they did have a place to go. Especially women with children.
Author OneFootOut Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I do believe you.. I never went TO someone else.. when I left my 'exes'... We are 'women'.. it's very different IMO.. For most men though, it's a different story.. they won't leave their 'comfortable' life if they don't have anyone else out there waiting for them. We (women) will leave if we are in an abusive relationship, or, like me, if there is no emotional connection anymore (with my first 'ex'). That is exactly it. Exactly what I am trying so deperately to fix. I'm glad you understand what I mean. There is no one else, never has been, but there's nothing here either.
peteyj Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Hey I've been thinking things out and here's a timeline. 1997 got together in May, sex was great. 1998 still great, not as often, tried to spice it up 1999 started out real good, suddenly came to a stop mid way through 2000 maybe 2-3 times that year 2001 absolutely none 2002 absolutely none 2003 absolutely none 2004 absolutely none 2005 maybe twice (trying to fix the previous years) 2006 maybe twice (still trying to fix things) 2007 absolutely none 2008 absolutely none 2009 absolutely none So there it is in black and white. I have spent most of my marriage trying to figure out how and why it went wrong, what's wrong with me, and how to fix it. Man, time flies when you're having fun. I honestly don't know what to say. I mean some marriages have a lack of sex but that's more on the lines of 1-2 times a month. For that long without any or barely any, something has to be wrong. I mean unless he's really old and it doesn't work anymore...guys are guys. He has to be getting something from somewhere.
Author OneFootOut Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I believe women will only leave if they have someplace else to go. That might mean another man, it might mean a friends place, or even to a parents/siblings house. But the reality is most women I know wouldn't leave their marriages unless they did have a place to go. Especially women with children. I don't want to go anywhere. I pay the rent here and this is where the kids are comfortable. I want him to take his paycheck and go find his own place. Hopefully close, so we can remain friends and finish raising the kids together. I keep thinking if we separate, maybe we can start over and get to know each other again. Maybe its a pipe dream. I see your point though.
Lizzie60 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 OneFoot.. I don't get it.. why being so patient.. why would you want to fix something that cannot be fixed.. he's already out of this relationship.. just move on.. never mind him.. I'm sure you won't miss him one bit..
Lizzie60 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I don't want to go anywhere. I pay the rent here and this is where the kids are comfortable. I want him to take his paycheck and go find his own place. Hopefully close, so we can remain friends and finish raising the kids together. I keep thinking if we separate, maybe we can start over and get to know each other again. Maybe its a pipe dream. I see your point though. I've remained friends with all my exes.. especially because he was the father of my son... I honestly don't think you can get to know each other again.. it's been broken for too long.. it's hopeless... Just move on.. you'll be soooo much better and happier, trust me on that one.. just remain 'friend' (civil) for your kids' sake... nothing more.
Author OneFootOut Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I honestly don't know what to say. I mean some marriages have a lack of sex but that's more on the lines of 1-2 times a month. For that long without any or barely any, something has to be wrong. I mean unless he's really old and it doesn't work anymore...guys are guys. He has to be getting something from somewhere. You see? We as a society are trained to think guys are guys and can't live without it. When we come across a guy who isn't the least bit interested in sex, it's nearly impossible to comprehend and wrap our minds around. THAT is what I have been dealing with all this time. How am I supposed to react? What am I supposed to think? How long am I supposed to do without waiting on him to figure himself out? I'd never heard of a man being uninterested in sex, so I have no clue where to go with it. I went through the period where I figured it HAD To be something wrong with me. Those were some hard years and my self esteem really took a blow. Only through the last few years have I finally understood that it really isn't me. Turns out there are a lot of men like him. They call themselves "asexual" - Google it and see if you can understand it. By the way, he's just turned 42, and all his parts work as far as I know. He's also just had a head to toe physical and has a clean bill of health.
Author OneFootOut Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 OneFoot.. I don't get it.. why being so patient.. why would you want to fix something that cannot be fixed.. he's already out of this relationship.. just move on.. never mind him.. I'm sure you won't miss him one bit.. Because other than his "issues" he is a good man. He's the first man I have known who hasn't beat on me or cheated on me. He has a good work ethic, and he doesn't drink or do drugs. We don't even argue or get loud with each other. He's a good decent guy, and I just keep holding on hoping to work things out. Also, marriage is about a lot more than sex. I tried just accepting that this was how it was, and decided to try to deal with it. I have tried to live without that part of it, but I just can't anymore. I want a healthy sex life, whether that is with him or without him The ideal thing of course would be to have the good man AND the healthy sex life!
Alan430 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hey I've been thinking things out and here's a timeline. 1997 got together in May, sex was great. 1998 still great, not as often, tried to spice it up 1999 started out real good, suddenly came to a stop mid way through 2000 maybe 2-3 times that year 2001 absolutely none 2002 absolutely none 2003 absolutely none 2004 absolutely none 2005 maybe twice (trying to fix the previous years) 2006 maybe twice (still trying to fix things) 2007 absolutely none 2008 absolutely none 2009 absolutely none So there it is in black and white. I have spent most of my marriage trying to figure out how and why it went wrong, what's wrong with me, and how to fix it. Man, time flies when you're having fun. oh dear, OneFootout you are a great woman, i wish my STOBX had half the commitment as you do. Yes i do understand that is a very long time to be still working the issue. But i think most of the posters in similar situations is maybe a year to 6 months with no talks and ultimatums.
peteyj Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I wish my soon to be ex were more like the OP. I used to go home during lunch sometimes to be with my wife years ago. But as your career progresses and you get more responsibilities, you can't do that so much anymore. Marriage is tough. Relationships are tough. You have to keep working at them. But at some point, maybe there is nothing to work on. One person is on one level and the other person is on another level. I was speaking to this girl I met the other day. Conversation went on about why I brought my soon to be ex with the bar. She wanted to come out, we still live together, and she wanted to get free drinks from guys. Well she went out and guys, as always, started flirting with her and buying her drinks. Anyway I was talking to this girl and my soon to be ex comes over and talks to me, leaves, comes back over, smiles, then leaves to go hang with some other guy. She told me later that she was jealous I was talking to another girl. Um she left me but ok. Anyway this girl told me that it seems I'm on one level and my soon to be ex is on an entirely different level. I guess it makes sense. Sometimes people grow in their lives, careers, etc while others are content on staying in the same place. For me life is about growth. I like to learn something new all the time. I like to think I'm a better person today than I was yesterday. Some people just like to be stuck in yesterday or today or they like to feel sorry for themselves or they don't like change. Who knows. Sometimes you are trying to improve things and the other person is standing still. Eventually there won't be much of a connection left. Your train is going forward. Their train is derailed.
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