confused and broken Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I have been dating this guy for 2 years now... On and off again relationship... For some reason I always have kept going back to him so many times I cannot describe... When I try nc he texts emails phones and then one day I get lonely and see him. Anyways this last time he was phoning texting every day until I met up with him... The issue throughout this whole 2 years has been that he always says he'll call and never calls when he says he will... always later... this chips away at my trust... because he never keeps his word... So we kind of got back together and then he was suppose to come for dinner and said oh ill call tomorrow... tomorrow came and went and then finally I decided to work the night we had dinner plans because I hadnt heard from him. the day of the dinner plans came and then he phones... for some reason I rebooked with him.... So that night I finally after two years really explained to him that all he had to do to stop pissing me off was not make promises he wont keep... That night he says Ill call you tomorrow... and I reply don't promise me that if your not going to. He says he would of course he didnt what the f is this guys problem why chase and chase me but never do the simplest thing now that I have had this chat with him I am through I will ask him what he wants and tell him he knows I cant trust him so leave me alone What I want to know is why I just want to understand
Author confused and broken Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I cant believe all the responses I got wow thanks for the support guys!
janjan Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 hi, some people get some sort of pleasure out of 'cycling' another person, this seems to be the situation with you. they act nice to draw you in, and when you fall for it, they treat you bad, repeat. to exit this situation, you first have to make up your mind that it is something that you want to exit, not that you do somehow like being treated that way. next, get a support system of friends and force no contact, it's an important step in removing the hooks someone has in you. during this time, also go out there and see what else is there, this person is not the last man on earth. as you go out and meet new people, you will see this. it will take time to get past it, and there will be days you feel great, days you feel like crap, but be patient, it will happen. as for why and you want to understand, again as said before, that is just how some people fulfill their need for emotional charge, by cycling someone else. it's a messed up way to fulfill that need, and you need stop being the means for him to do that.
Author confused and broken Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 hi, some people get some sort of pleasure out of 'cycling' another person, this seems to be the situation with you. they act nice to draw you in, and when you fall for it, they treat you bad, repeat. to exit this situation, you first have to make up your mind that it is something that you want to exit, not that you do somehow like being treated that way. next, get a support system of friends and force no contact, it's an important step in removing the hooks someone has in you. during this time, also go out there and see what else is there, this person is not the last man on earth. as you go out and meet new people, you will see this. it will take time to get past it, and there will be days you feel great, days you feel like crap, but be patient, it will happen. as for why and you want to understand, again as said before, that is just how some people fulfill their need for emotional charge, by cycling someone else. it's a messed up way to fulfill that need, and you need stop being the means for him to do that. I agree I need to stop being that means.... I think the reason I have been caught in this for so long is because I just cant imagine behaving that way..... or why for me its a really bad charge... I have started to really hate men lately because I feel so ripped apart Thanks for your response and support
janjan Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I agree I need to stop being that means.... I think the reason I have been caught in this for so long is because I just cant imagine behaving that way..... or why for me its a really bad charge... I have started to really hate men lately because I feel so ripped apart Thanks for your response and support ah, yes the being unable to comprehend how someone can behave that way. that can be tough, you just don't understand what pushes someone to treat you like a piece of crap, don't they understand how bad they make you feel. view it like this, they are following what gives them emotional charge, and their morals get knocked aside, and they have a very weak sense of empathy. you can also think of it as they are simply getting a kick out of someone pining over them, and it doesn't matter whether that pining is having a positive or negative effect on the person. don't worry about making them see the light, they are doing what makes them feel wanted and desired, but they still know right from wrong, which is why it's best you just exit. again, talk to a few trusted friends about this, let them know you are going no contact and help keep you on track. it's not an instant cure, there will still be days that you feel like crap, but on those same days, you will better come to understand the trap you are slowly exiting. also, it's normal to feel like you hate all men/women after something like this, but don't dwell on that otherwise you will end up cynical and alone for a long time. accept that you made a poor choice in choosing that person, reflect on what that choice says about you, improve yourself, and when the time is right, find yourself a real man.
Author confused and broken Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 ah, yes the being unable to comprehend how someone can behave that way. that can be tough, you just don't understand what pushes someone to treat you like a piece of crap, don't they understand how bad they make you feel. view it like this, they are following what gives them emotional charge, and their morals get knocked aside, and they have a very weak sense of empathy. you can also think of it as they are simply getting a kick out of someone pining over them, and it doesn't matter whether that pining is having a positive or negative effect on the person. don't worry about making them see the light, they are doing what makes them feel wanted and desired, but they still know right from wrong, which is why it's best you just exit. again, talk to a few trusted friends about this, let them know you are going no contact and help keep you on track. it's not an instant cure, there will still be days that you feel like crap, but on those same days, you will better come to understand the trap you are slowly exiting. also, it's normal to feel like you hate all men/women after something like this, but don't dwell on that otherwise you will end up cynical and alone for a long time. accept that you made a poor choice in choosing that person, reflect on what that choice says about you, improve yourself, and when the time is right, find yourself a real man. A real man do those exist? lol Im kidding but still.... I know I don't want to be so cynical I did make a poor choice... and its not the original choice Im worried about Its the fact that i let it drag on for 2 years when I already know what I know now 2 weeks into it... I guess I was desperate.... I didn't want to have to find someone new and go through the whole dating thing again the monster you know is better than the monster you dont know And for the past 2 years this relationship has been dead even though he keeps leading me to believe otherwise and I keep imagining otherwise... I guess I need to let go and open up???
lookingforward1 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I just posted a similar thread. I relate...
janjan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 the monster you know is better than the monster you dont know well that's understandable, but make the choice to learn and become stronger from knowing that monster rather than letting it damage you. as time passes and you reflect on things, you will gain new perspective and learn more about yourself. so in that sense, when you do meet someone new and the time is right, it won't be a 'rerun' but a chance at something great.
Author confused and broken Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 It seems as if all my relationships have been reruns Different Intense in different ways But have similar themes Like my first relationship was 6 years And I would do the break up make up thing every time we would fight Almost just to know for sure I was loved But the break up was only for an hour or so Where as my last relationship the break up sometimes went on for months
janjan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 It seems as if all my relationships have been reruns Different Intense in different ways But have similar themes Like my first relationship was 6 years And I would do the break up make up thing every time we would fight Almost just to know for sure I was loved But the break up was only for an hour or so Where as my last relationship the break up sometimes went on for months well take the time to reflect on what actions have upset your partners in the past. sometimes the things you do to know that you are loved can drive the other person crazy. eg, you might be okay with a relationship having frequent breakups and makeups, and that might be your way of finding out if you are loved, but to some people, it shows that the relationship has no foundation and it eats away at them.
Author confused and broken Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 well take the time to reflect on what actions have upset your partners in the past. sometimes the things you do to know that you are loved can drive the other person crazy. eg, you might be okay with a relationship having frequent breakups and makeups, and that might be your way of finding out if you are loved, but to some people, it shows that the relationship has no foundation and it eats away at them. This is so tough because I seriously feel like I wasn't the one at fault like they were abusive (jealous, possesive or else not there) and I should have been breaking up the problem was that when they begged me to come back I felt that I was needed or wanted and for some reason I craved that I went back so it wasn't the breakup that was problematic its the make up
janjan Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 This is so tough because I seriously feel like I wasn't the one at fault like they were abusive (jealous, possesive or else not there) and I should have been breaking up the problem was that when they begged me to come back I felt that I was needed or wanted and for some reason I craved that I went back so it wasn't the breakup that was problematic its the make up well now might not be the right time for you to do this. when you do get around to this, remember you don't have to think in terms of "i did ****, therefore he was an angel". you will be doing that for yourself, so that you can better approach someone in the future who deserves good treatment. so don't worry about that for now, just take your time alone and resist the urges to go back and get attention from him.
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