SilverLining Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I need some help here. I was in a relationship for over 5 years, we were engaged, and then he ended it. This was last July/August. It's been over 6 months, and he's still coming around. I've tried going NC twice - both times for a month at a time - and afterward we always ended up sleeping together. I love him so much and it's really hard for me to say no to him. I recognize that it's better for me to not have him back, but it's really hard to accept that, especially when my feelings toward him are so strong. And then I found out that he had a really stupid reason for breaking up with me and I thought maybe if I could convince him...but I can't. Stupid reason or not, he wants to move on and so I need to as well. I was hoping that maybe there might be some people on here who might be interested in checking in with each other/encouraging/whatever. I was also wondering what those of you out there thought about the possibility of me putting signs that I might be in a relationship on sites like my myspace. I do not want to do this to make him jealous - personally, I would rather he thought I was free in case he wanted me back - but he tends to bootycall me and I thought that perhaps if it seemed like I was in a relationship, he might knock that off and it would be easier for me to avoid the whole situation, since I'm pretty weak when it comes to that. Opinions?
haley121 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hey--I'm sorry for your situation. That sounds rough. It sounds like you sorta kinda want to do NC but you're not fully committed to it. NC takes dedication. Delete his number from your phone. Delete him from myspace, facebook, etc.! This one is crucial. You may not think it's a big deal, but 1) you'll be tempted to check up on him and 2) you'll begin to make postings thinking "I hope he sees this." "I wonder what he'll think when he sees this." etc. You don't need that right now. I know many people say not to notify the ex before you go NC, but I've never agreed with that. I would have one last convo with him (in a somewhat public place or over the phone so you don't end up going through the break-up sex routine again) and tell him up front that you will NOT speak with him again unless he changes his mind about wanting to make it work. Maybe you can tell him to let you know in a certain way if he does change his mind (e-mail or the old snail mail?). That way you can safely ignore his calls without thinking, "I need to answer in case he's calling to say he wants me back." There's only a slight chance that he will change his mind though, considering you've given him ample time to do so and he still claims he needs to move on. The hardest part of NC I've found is that I'm constantly thinking of what I'll tell him the next time I talk to him. For all purposes during NC you have to tell yourself, there is no "next time." You have to tell yourself it's over. By all means, don't play myspace games (deleting him should take care of the temptation to do so). If you aren't in contact with him, he won't be able to booty call you. Be strong! I'm starting to go through NC as well (a long-term bf and I just broke up a few days ago), so if you want support from me, I'm here.
Author SilverLining Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Hi thanks for responding! I have deleted him from everything, he's been deleted for months. However, he texts me once in awhile and it's so hard for me to not respond! But I need to be stronger. I've pretty much done everything I'm supposed to when going NC....except after a month I end up agreeing to let him come over, probably in the hope that the month not hearing from me made him miss me. But he never changes his mind. What is your story? How are you holding up?
GoneButNotForgotten Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 You could do what I do about responding to text messages and wanting to send them and stuff. Instead of responding I write a message to a friend. He knows whats up when he gets them and just deletes them. But it makes me feel better to let it out and it keeps him from having to listen to me bitch later.
RM0123 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I was hoping that maybe there might be some people on here who might be interested in checking in with each other/encouraging/whatever. I would love to be your NC buddy.. I need one too! I am 26.. was with my ex for 6 years.. He broke up with me after his first semester away at law school. Said he wasn't ready for marriage and for me to move in with him (that was the plan). A week later I found pictures of him with another girl on FB by doing some snooping. He doesn't have a FB. So I was totally devastated. I would love if we could help eachother with NC. What do you think?
BCCA Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I keep in touch with a few people from the board as NC friends. Some of us have been NC for months, and so its turned into more of a support group, but its still great! We usually talk through IM or email, so let me know if anyone else is interested, and I can PM you my IM/email.
Author SilverLining Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Gone But Not Forgotten - that's amazing advice and I will definitely do that. And RMO...I am so sorry that you are going through this same thing! I'm 27. I definitely would love to talk to you more...I would love to talk to everybody more! It's definitely a process and I think if we can get over the hump it would be a lot easier.
haley121 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Hi thanks for responding! I have deleted him from everything, he's been deleted for months. However, he texts me once in awhile and it's so hard for me to not respond! But I need to be stronger. I've pretty much done everything I'm supposed to when going NC....except after a month I end up agreeing to let him come over, probably in the hope that the month not hearing from me made him miss me. But he never changes his mind. What is your story? How are you holding up? Glad to hear you've deleted him. I like gonenotforgotten's advice about texting. I'd say if you give in to meeting up with him(which I really don't advise) at least meet at a public place--coffee shop, restaurant, whatever. Don't go to your place. Don't go to his place. When he realizes the booty call thing isn't going to work anymore, he will probably stop texting you unless he changes his mind. My story (I'll try to keep this short): My ex and I dated for 2 1/2 years (except for a few months of a break-up a while ago). It was my first serious relationship. The past few months, he started telling me that he was getting to the point where he needed me to be certain of the future, but I didn't feel ready for a serious committment. I'm 21 and he's 25 so there's a bit of a difference there. Also, we had a lot of differences in interests and future goals, so it may not have worked anyway. We tried for the past few months to work things out. He gave me a few weeks (while we did NC) to think things over, but I still didn't feel ready to commit, so it officially ended at the beginning of this week. There was no anger or bitterness on either side but just sadness. The first 2-3 days were absolute hell... I'm doing a little better now, but of course I still miss him. I guess it's been 4 days NC now, but like I said, I had a few weeks NC before that. It's helpful that I'm starting to realize that this is the way things HAD to go (as much as I hate it). He needed someone who was ready to settle down. He tried to wait for me to be ready, but he said he just couldn't wait anymore unless I could be more sure. I tried to force myself to be more ready but I just couldn't. That's life (3 days ago I was not thinking this logically though). I think positive thinking was really helpful for me. I started to repeat phrases like "this is the right thing" to myself when I started feeling panicky of overly sad about the situation, even if I didn't truly believe it was the right thing. After you repeat it enough times, you start to actually believe it. Weird but true. We probably both have a ways to go, but we'll get there. Believe it.
LoveisWar Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I've been NC for just over 6 weeks now, at the first stage after the break up not picking up the phone or sending an email was the hardest thing to do. As the days pass by and turn into weeks the process of getting back on track and becoming stronger emotionally has improved dramatically. I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. For those with a good support system of family and freinds, use these, talk to them, let them know how your feeling. For me talking and chatting with others has helped so much(you will be suprised at how many others have gone through the exact same thing). The way im feeling now, i dont even consider contacting her now, its over, dead in the water and some things are best left behind. No bitterness, no anger..just a feeling of brighter things ahead. Peace..
openbook08 Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 ah, the 5year club! me too NC nearly 4months now *breaths sigh of relief* it does get easier XX
haley121 Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Happy V-day everybody! Today is a tough one for me, so I figured I'd drop a quick message of encouragement in case it's a rough day for you guys too! I just really want to send my ex a little note or something (pointless and irrational, I know). Today gets me thinking of the past two v-days I spent with him, and I just have this urge to let him know how much he meant to me. I won't do it because I know better, but it's in my head a lot.
emotionalydistraugt Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Happy V-day everybody! Today is a tough one for me, so I figured I'd drop a quick message of encouragement in case it's a rough day for you guys too! I just really want to send my ex a little note or something (pointless and irrational, I know). Today gets me thinking of the past two v-days I spent with him, and I just have this urge to let him know how much he meant to me. I won't do it because I know better, but it's in my head a lot. Today's a tough one for me too. Hopefully I'll be able to anjoy this day without her in my life. I spent two years of my life with her and I have so many left. Hopefully I can find someone else. I too just want to contact her but at this point and time what good would it do
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