It's possible we've all become too jaded

[DSM-IV Tom]

I'm waiting for an imminent attack from Tony the director of this site. He's going to yell at me for this topic, but it will pose a good question. I just hope he doesn't go too hard on me.

 

 

 

It's painful to see any topics replies these days. Everyone, including me, jumps right to what we believe is the right thing to say, a.k.a., "she doesnt want to be with you" or "shes with another guy" or something extremely harsh and negative.

 

And it's just not always true.

 

I believed the advice of others when they first told me my ex was probably doing this, or that, or broke up with me to be with another guy, or more bs like that.

 

Unfortunately, in reality, those aren't always the cases. Including with my ex. I made the mistake of believing it though.

 

It started to strike me as odd when nearly every reply, despite being from multiple people, usually were the same. It was something harsh and to the point, such as what I mentioned above. People have gotten sick of giving advice apparently, and stopped focusing on individuality, and seemed to have generalized.

 

We all seem to think every girl is running off with another guy. Or we were dumped for something like "so she can **** another guy", when in reality, some girls (and guys) break up with people FOR THE EXACT REASON THEY SAY THEY DO.

 

I remember seeing people talking about how if someone ever breaks up with you with a "stupid" excuse like "we fight too much" or "you're too good for me" it must be bs.

 

I stopped trusting a lot of people that day... because I broke up with someone once with an "excuse" like that... and it just so happens that that "excuse" was the truth, and there was no one else involved. I was being honest when I said that, and I didn't go near another girl for months.

 

Take a look at the replies. It's always something harsh. People are probably saying those things to others in an actual attempt to convince themselves.

 

 

 

We're losing sight of reality.

[johan]

All relationships are doomed to fail due to betrayal and neglect. But, I agree with you that it's ok to enjoy them for a while, as long as the good times last.

[Justmike101]

i disagree. for me, my gut instinct, as well as very precise advice given to me was right. My ex did really break up with me, gave me some hasty reason like "you are verbally abusive and always make me feel low." Maybe that really was her reason but I simply do not agree with my ex. Maybe she didn't even know. The reason I don't believe her bs excuse is because her actions did not back up her words. I.E) she wanted to take it slow from the start and get to know each other again, but at the same time she was looking for a new man.

 

What I do know, however, is that in relatively short amount of time, she cut me off cold and clean, asked me never to contact her again, and she found a new boyfriend. Within a month she already slept with him and took a trip to Vegas together.

 

So sometimes, the advice people give here really are from experience and from a neutral perspective. More often than not, people here give support rather than "what-to-do" advice. I wouldn't be where I am today without the support system here. I would have never found out about NC and I would still be waiting around for my ex to come back. Simply just writing a post and venting helps so much.

[D-Lish]

People in happy, healthy relationships aren't posting here too much.

There are some- but not many.

[Justmike101]

People in happy, healthy relationships aren't posting here too much.

There are some- but not many.

 

true. i do admit that some advice may be biased - subconsciously or consciously.

[nittanylion]

People in happy, healthy relationships aren't posting here too much.

There are some- but not many.

 

Ok you may be right. I am in a very happy relationship. I like to post here to help people with their issues if my expereiences applied to their problems . I dont like to see OP suffered as much as I suffered from my past relationship.

[PinkToes]

Tom, I totally agree. I've seen posts saying "...they were probably together before you split..." and of course, that's possible, but what's the point?

 

Why cause additional pain to someone who is in the early stages of a breakup? And especially if we have no possible way of knowing what really happened?

 

It kind of reminds me of the "friends" who are critical of someone else's new relationship -- when the one who's in love is still over the moon. What's the point?

 

I think you're right; perhaps it is an attempt to convince themselves.

[sad_panda]

I believed my ex when he told me that he was just tired of the fights and our differences. I believed him when he said he just needed time to see if our love could survive distance and separation. I believed him when he said that maybe someday we'll have a chance when both of us have healed. I believed him when he said that there was no third party, that he was not interested in someone else. I believed him when he said that he wanted to rest first, be single for a while, and enjoy life. I believed him when he said that he still loves me deeply, and that it was very hard for him to let me go. I believed him when he said that he was just confused, but he would want us to have another chance someday. I believed him so much that for the first few weeks I was doing nothing but blame myself for the break up.

 

Then I found out that just two or three days after we broke up he started hooking up with another girl. He's dating her exclusively up to now. He's trying to hide it because his blog don't show anything, but the girls' blog is full of pictures of them all sweet and love-dovey together on an out-of-town trip.

 

There are so many questions in my head, and they will never be answered, it seems.

 

It hurts so much more to take what your ex says as the truth, only to find out you've been fooled. I don't blame people for assuming the worst.

[MotherGooze]

I agree in some parts of your post Tom. I actually got replies, quoting just tiny parts of my initial posts, and because of that things got out of context. It has annoyed me because I know my ex still loves me and cares for me, that people in here act like he's a jerk or something. But not all posters are like that. I've seen my share of very good replies.

 

I think every situation is different and even though, many situations seems a bit similar every advice given should be different.

 

Allthough sometimes I find it hard to give advice, if not enough info is given, if the topicmaker gives out confusing signals,...

[not_a_happy_camper]

Hi Tom, in ways I think you're right. So many people jump to the conclusion here that if you were dumped by a person, that person isn't good enough, they don't deserve to have you pining over them, etc. Yes in many circumstances it's true. But in many more, you have to acknowledge that two people can really care about each other, and try really hard, but still make each other miserable. They care, but sometimes loving a person is not enough, and the decision to make that break can be so difficult. Not all dumpers are evil! I found out my ex who dumped me three months ago is still gutted over the break-up. I'd managed to convince myself he hated me. Mostly because of the lack of contact. I'd diminished how much I meant to him in my own eyes. I don't think it's right for people to jump to the conclusion that the dumper is probably with someone else or had someone else lined up and waiting. The truth is, we don't know, we can't know, and there's no point thinking about it like this unless we know it to be true. otherwise, all you do is torture yourself. I have to say that while this site has been very helpful, I have seen a lot of negative responses to people who are in agony over break-ups. I believe that some people tend only to focus on the negatives, and again look at only what's posted instead of trying to explore the issue more before coming to a conclusion. On a case to case basis. Each break-up is so different. you can't just outright say NC to everything, because it doesn't always work that way. I agree it's best to heal certainly. But not always.

[Template]

I think in a lot of ways you are absolutely correct, but as D-lish said, that not too many happy, successful relationship people are on here; certainly not as many as the unhappy, depressed, looking for consolation people on here. We all have been guilty of consciously/subconsciously replied with answer of negativity and doubt. But do you really blame anyone? Also, you have to admit that the people that come to this particular forum, are mostly those who have been recently dumped, or having a hard time from being dumped. So a little bit of jadedness is expected. But with everything you have it with a grain of salt. Personally I believe to err on the side of caution. We are in a vulnerable spot, and we, are the only ones that can really protect ourselves. IF everything works out in the end... GREAT. If not, then I've avoided even further heartbreak, and unnecessary self torture. But as Happy camper said, "Each break-up is different", so is the way we react, approach, and deal/heal.

[sinkerswim]

I agree with you..

not everyone is giving the same advice..but some of it is really harsh.

I know in my situation that my ex and I talked sincerely and I know he wasnt being malicious when he wanted to split up. He just wasnt happy anymore.

 

I have to respect his wishes.

It was something he did not take lightly for that matter.

Many heart to heart talks between us...many tears...

I truly believe my ex needs to be on his own for awhile to realize what he wants in life.

Yes..I want to believe he will find his way to me again..because he IS calling it a separation...and then if its meant to be...then it will.

We agreed on remaining friends..because we were friends WAY before we started our long distance relationship in 2005...then I moved in with him in 2007.

 

It is hard for me to grasp...I miss him soooo much I am hurting inside...It is hard after you spend almost 4 years together talking and being with this person in every way...and know they are not by your side.

To top it off..Im all the way in PA now..and he is in Illinois..

It makes me sick to think he is not around the corner.

I shake every morning..I cry every day.

I just want to hear from him...I do..but its usually about our cat or about mail at the apartment...etc.

He opened up a little yesterday and told me something about something I got for him and he still has it by his side. It made me feel good that he may be missing me a little.

Thing is...of course our ex's are thinking about us...it is human nature..and ESPECIALLY if you lived with them and shared everything.

Of course they miss us...

 

I have to tell myself this...but they have to try to move on too.

In some cases some of them go and find somebody else...

 

All I know is..

My ex needs to realize what he wants in life. He is turning 39 in 2 weeks and it seems he just wanted to see what else was out there at this point in his life..especially if he is not happy.

It hurts like HELL and I had to accept it.

 

I dont think he is jumping into another relationship at all. I do believe he needs to find himself first.

He told me we just might be again...only if I wanted him back.

 

All I know is I miss him more than anything in this world. I hurt everyday and I cry all the time. I feel like life isn't happy anymore.

I miss my home with him..and I miss Illinois.

But i pray as time goes on..I get used to it and HOPE I can be happy again...

maybe he will see that again in me and I'll be in a better place..and maybe..JUST MAYBE we will be back with each other.

[IcemanJB]

I'm going to have to agree with Tom, in that the dumper might truly mean what they say. But, as is often the case, the dumper doesn't always mean what they say during the breakup. My first girlfriend said she "needed time"...I found out she had cheated on me with one of my friends. For some reason this breakup didn't hurt that bad at all. I was fine after a couple weeks.

 

My current ex is a much different story. I didn't get any sort of answer until 2 weeks after she split with me. For those first two weeks, it was just a lot of her crying in my arms, her saying she wanted to be with me so bad, while I tried to get some answers. She said she didn't know exactly why, just that she needed to break up. Finally she was able to explain herself without breaking down one night; basically that she has always worried about how the important people in her life (BFs, brother, mom) are fairing more than she cares for herself, and this is something she needs to change. Given her age (20 in a couple weeks) and her actions as I was getting to know her, this is VERY believable. She said she needs to be single and screw up on her own without worrying about another person. She would always be worried what I thought of her since she went out with friends a lot, and I didn't go out so much.

 

I was completely confused at first by this, but for some reason I believed her. I have a pretty good bull**** detector, and it wasn't going off at all. BUT, 75% of the responses I got here was that she was probably seeing someone else, simply didn't feel it for me any longer, etc. I started to believe this. I started to get angry, against my gut instinct that maybe she was telling the truth.

 

It's been 4 months since the breakup, almost 3 months of NC (which is one thing I'm extremely grateful about this place), and she is still single. I still miss her, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I know she cares for and respects me, given that she has completely honored my request for NC even when she wanted to talk, text, etc. frequently after the breakup.

 

Let this be an example that sometimes they mean what they say during the breakup.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Glad to hear you all feel that way. You all are officially the smartest people on this forum, in my eyes.

 

Happy to hear from some of you. Like Iceman.

[Treasa]

I don't post about this often, because my case is not the norm, but I'm the first long-term girlfriend my boyfriend has ever had. When we first started dating, he didn't know how to handle conflict, and I was way too clingy.

 

Due to the clinginess, he asked for space. He was NOT seeing anyone else. In fact, when I backed off he practically came running back within a day or two. Over time I learned to just trust him, and not hammer him with questions and insecurities. I became a lot cooler and more laid back, and he never asks for space anymore. He hasn't done it in years. If anything, he asks to spend more time together now.

 

He also broke up with me a few times. Yes, I said a few. The first couple of times were due to him not knowing how to handle conflict in a relationship. Those breakups occurred in our first six months of dating.

 

We were fine for a few years, and then this past summer he broke up with me again. This time it was because I had started to neglect our relationship, not spend much time with him, not put much effort into showing him affection, etc.

 

I went through a very deep depression, to the point where I called a suicide hotline. I wasn't going to kill myself, but didn't know how else to deal with the pain.

 

The long and short of it is that I started seeing a psychologist twice a week to deal with a lot of issues I had. My (ex?) boyfriend called me every day because he still cared about me and loved me and wanted to be friends.

 

As he saw me working through my issues, and saw me getting better, he did want to try again.

 

Our relationship is better than ever. I'm more attentive and loving, and he is the same.

 

It was never about anyone else, nor is he a jerk. True, I don't think he handles conflict well, but he's getting better at it.

 

We've been together a total of 4 1/2 years now, and are very much in love.

[Trialbyfire]

Each person has their personal experiences and dealbreakers.

 

For myself, there are three definitives in the advice I provide:

1. If you're going to use NC, use it to move on. Any other use is pure manipulation.
   
2. There's only one way to handle cheating...to the curb.
   
3. You have full control in how you view and react to stimuli.
   

The rest of my advice is individually tailored. The better I know the member and situation, the more tailored it is, whether it's got a positive or negative spin to it.

 

If that's too jaded, oh well...

[DSM-IV Tom]

Interesting trial by fire.

 

I agree with you, but we all manipulate now and then... and in these situations, manipulation can be necessary. Not to mention that if you're able to "manipulate" someone just by disappearing after they break up with you, then you did something right in the relationship that your absence would possess the ability to do that.

 

I think the manipulation/NC issue is a gray, blurry one.

[Trialbyfire]

There are degrees of manipulation. In the situation of NC, how bad has your relationship become, that you need to get to NC? If there's a chance, then you've already failed by one individual or both being unwilling to get come to resolution, thus find a solution previous to the cessation of the relationship. In essence, I see NC as the final action.

 

There's also LC, which maintains contact to a very limited degree.

 

NC is about taking control of your life, actions, emotions and self. It ties into #3, in that you're responsible for your actions.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Yeah, there are different degrees. You have put a label on what I felt. You're right.

 

Using NC to get someone back though can show them what they're missing... and it can change their way of thinking. To some degree anyways.

 

Bah. I wish we could all just be with the people we love(d). I wish we could all have happy endings.

[foxh1234]

I don't think I'm jaded, but I have changed my view of relationships after my recent breakup. I have tried to give people advice based on my experiences and for the most part it is pretty generic. See, the way I see it is if a person leaves you or cheats on you, they don't want to be with you. I say move on, go NC, don't chase and beg. Obviously, there are exceptions, but from my experience, this is the best advice. If the one you love wanted to be with you, they would be, simple as that. I also agree 100% with TBF, cheating is not forgivable. My ex cheated and begged to come back, but without trust what do we have left ? OK, I'm a little jaded.

[DSM-IV Tom]

I don't think I'm jaded, but I have changed my view of relationships after my recent breakup. I have tried to give people advice based on my experiences and for the most part it is pretty generic. See, the way I see it is if a person leaves you or cheats on you, they don't want to be with you. I say move on, go NC, don't chase and beg. Obviously, there are exceptions, but from my experience, this is the best advice. If the one you love wanted to be with you, they would be, simple as that. I also agree 100% with TBF, cheating is not forgivable. My ex cheated and begged to come back, but without trust what do we have left ? OK, I'm a little jaded.

 

 

No, you're smart.

 

Cheaters can go to hell.