lost09 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 i'm 25, ive been with this girl for 5 years (she's 24). we've lived together for 1.5 years. living together was more of a financial decision than a relationship decision (at least for me). well she's been pushing to get married, and I'm just not sure thats the right step for me. the more i think about it, the more i get excited about the possibility of being single. the thought of marriage makes me want to shoot myself. so, i feel like the relationship must end, though i still have second thoughts about it. anyway, lets say i do get the balls to end this. How in the world do i do it?? Ideally, I'd like this to be as easy and clean as possible, keeping her feelings in mind. she is expecting me to marry her, and is putting a ton of pressure to get engaged. I keep telling her that i am not ready, and she'll cry when she hears that. she says she will never give up on me, but honestly we are two different people from when we first started dating. she's gone from cool college chick to extremely high maintenance woman, expecting way to much from me. we live together right now, and the lease doesn't end until september. it's a small 1 bedroom apartment, so there really isnt the option of a roommate moving in. also, how can i approach this as delicately as possible. she's extremely irrational and i fear she may hurt herself. she will be emotionally unstable, and doesnt have many friends in the area (she moved out here to be with me, i did not request that btw). its so obvious that there is a better guy out there for her, i dont see why she hasn't ended this by now (yes ive just been hangin in this relationship for her well being). we dont have sex, we dont hang out much, yet she still feels the need to marry me (she was a virgin when we met, and she had planned on saving it till marriage... oops). i wish she'd wake up and realize we'd both be a lot happier with someone else. she complains about me all the time, and i suggest that maybe im not the right guy for her, and then she'll break down in tears. i feel really bad when she crys, and i'll feel awful if she trys to hurt herself if we break up. PLEASE HELP! i need some good advice. should i try to put more effort into the relationship and hope things change, or should i just end this madness.
Justmike101 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 i'm 25, ive been with this girl for 5 years (she's 24). we've lived together for 1.5 years. living together was more of a financial decision than a relationship decision (at least for me). well she's been pushing to get married, and I'm just not sure thats the right step for me. the more i think about it, the more i get excited about the possibility of being single. the thought of marriage makes me want to shoot myself. so, i feel like the relationship must end, though i still have second thoughts about it. anyway, lets say i do get the balls to end this. How in the world do i do it?? Ideally, I'd like this to be as easy and clean as possible, keeping her feelings in mind. she is expecting me to marry her, and is putting a ton of pressure to get engaged. I keep telling her that i am not ready, and she'll cry when she hears that. she says she will never give up on me, but honestly we are two different people from when we first started dating. she's gone from cool college chick to extremely high maintenance woman, expecting way to much from me. we live together right now, and the lease doesn't end until september. it's a small 1 bedroom apartment, so there really isnt the option of a roommate moving in. also, how can i approach this as delicately as possible. she's extremely irrational and i fear she may hurt herself. she will be emotionally unstable, and doesnt have many friends in the area (she moved out here to be with me, i did not request that btw). its so obvious that there is a better guy out there for her, i dont see why she hasn't ended this by now (yes ive just been hangin in this relationship for her well being). we dont have sex, we dont hang out much, yet she still feels the need to marry me (she was a virgin when we met, and she had planned on saving it till marriage... oops). i wish she'd wake up and realize we'd both be a lot happier with someone else. she complains about me all the time, and i suggest that maybe im not the right guy for her, and then she'll break down in tears. i feel really bad when she crys, and i'll feel awful if she trys to hurt herself if we break up. PLEASE HELP! i need some good advice. should i try to put more effort into the relationship and hope things change, or should i just end this madness. First of all, your mind seems to be already made up. Listen very carefully because you are about to make the biggest decision of your life, one which could end up scarring your heart for the rest of your life and all your future relationships. Right now, you are used to her and you took her for granted. - Well she's always there for you. It's comfortable and convenient. It's natural that she wants to marry you. She loves you and have been faithful and committed to you. She wants to move to the next level with you. Girl like this is really really hard to come by. Think real hard before you begin to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. You are with a girl right now who is willing to stick by you, and you are admittedly not the best guy for her. You know she could go out and meet more wealthier and better looking guys, but she is with you still, wanting to commit. She is a girl who is there for you through hard times and good times. She knows what you lack and still sticks by your side. Do you interpret this as annoying? if so, you really need to think again. I am also 25 and I've been where you've been except on the receiving end. I was like your ex, to my own ex. I cared for her very much and put her needs before mine. I was willing to love both her flaws and goods. Yet she left me for another guy. But I know that there is no 1 guy in the world who will sincerely love her and care for her like I did. Bro, grass really is not greener on the other side. When was the last time you bought her flowers? when was the last time you took her out to a nice romantic dinner or to the movies? Did romance die? No matter who you are with, there will always be somebody prettier, cuter, and nicer. But there is no guarantee that they will turn out to be whom you want them to be. Really think real hard about this. Does she treat you well? Is she nice to you? is she faithful and committed? Most importantly, do you love her and care for her before your own needs? If you answer yes to all these questions, I really advise that you stick around and just sleep on this thought for a while. If you honestly think you can dump her and move on, never see her ever again, then do what you have to do. If you think you are going to have even a hint of regret, you will ruin both your life and hers for the rest of your lives. Look at all the people here. Look at all the broken hearts here. A lot of them could have been avoided if 2 people were more communicative and sincere with each other. If they were thoughtful and not impulsive, a lot of the posters wouldn't be here today. Think real hard and don't make any decisions until you are absolutely sure.
Author lost09 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 well the other side of this story is i have to do everything for her. she is completely dependent on me, no wonder why she doesnt want me to go. she gets so much out of me, while i get very little out of her. my life would be A LOT easier without her. it sounds completely selfish, but she soaks up so much of my time, energy, money, and stresses me out a lot. in return i really don't get much from her. if she left me today, my life wouldnt be one bit different, except i'd be lifted of the burden of helping her with all her choirs/problems. also this isnt something that has suddenly hit me. ive been thinking about ending the relationship for a year or two now, but ive always felt guilty about it. ive given it a real good chance and there is just no way i can see myself being happy in this relationship. it sounds harsh, but it is the reality ive come to finally admit to myself.
Justmike101 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 well the other side of this story is i have to do everything for her. she is completely dependent on me, no wonder why she doesnt want me to go. she gets so much out of me, while i get very little out of her. my life would be A LOT easier without her. it sounds completely selfish, but she soaks up so much of my time, energy, money, and stresses me out a lot. in return i really don't get much from her. if she left me today, my life wouldnt be one bit different, except i'd be lifted of the burden of helping her with all her choirs/problems. also this isnt something that has suddenly hit me. ive been thinking about ending the relationship for a year or two now, but ive always felt guilty about it. ive given it a real good chance and there is just no way i can see myself being happy in this relationship. it sounds harsh, but it is the reality ive come to finally admit to myself. so did you tell her this yourself? did you tell her the shift in burden and power has come too much into your hands? did you tell her to take back some of her power and responsibility? do this first if you haven't. Then take it from there. Dump the girl if she doesn't get it. Do it with precision and a double edged sword. Cut it out for good and forever.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hey lost... I went through something similar, in July '08. You can read some of my posts from around that time if you want detailed background. Long story short, I felt like you did. XGF was very sweet and loving, and we had a fantastic sex life. (Though I don't miss the relationship, I DO miss that...) But she was VERY emotional, had a lot of insecurities, didn't like me being out in the evenings, my income was pretty much being sucked down the tubes every month, tons of drama about everything, etc. We'd lived together for nine months and "almost broken up" over half a dozen times during that period. She would always calm down, we'd talk about it, I'd appease her just to end the fight, and on we'd go. The problems I was having in the relationship never got addressed because they were apparently all "selfish". To her, once the near-breakup died down, we were back to normal. To me, each one of those compounded until I just couldn't take being with her anymore. I felt stifled and miserable, and I looked around and knew this wasn't what I wanted my life to look like. She, too, was pushing for marriage. Oh, and she has two kids from a previous relationship, and so do I. And she was almost totally financially dependent on me. So believe me, I felt pretty damned guilty bringing it to an end. But seven months later, it was absolutely the right thing to do. Anyway... I'm not going to address whether you should or shouldn't break up with her, except to say that you have a right to be happy in your life. It's not all about you bending over backwards to make HER happy. She needs to be willing to change for you too. If neither of you can change enough to make the other person happy, then the relationship simply won't work. In our case, we were renting a house and the lease had another three months on it. Fortunately my parents keep an apartment in town (they live out of town) and I was able to stay there rent-free for six months; this enabled me to keep paying the rent on the house so that the lease wouldn't be breached. We were on good terms with our landlords, and we told them what was going on and they managed to rent out the house before our lease was up, so that saved us some money. I also gave XGF a few hundred bucks a month for about six months to help her while she found more work -- not because I legally had to, but because I felt I should. It sucks that she doesn't have a bunch of friends here, but maybe she'll have to move back to her hometown. If anything you have a bit of a moral obligation to help her out, maybe like I did or with moving costs or something, but she's an adult and has to be self-sufficient. Yes, it will be rough. I had a number of arguments on the phone from XGF and was on the receiving end of some fairly unpleasant emails. But I weathered the storm and things did calm down. And having to deal with unpleasant communications every 3-4 days was a hell of a lot better than dealing with stress, lack of money, and arguments every day. Being now seven months removed from it, my life is very different. I have my own place again, and it's great. My free time is mine. I'm bringing in more money each month than is going out, so I can pay down debt, save, and buy a few things I've wanted. I'm involved in some activities again that don't involve getting into a fight because they happen in the evening. I'm making plans for some fun adventures later this year. Life is definitely better. And, XGF seems to be doing well too. She's back in her old neighbourhood where she's happy, she's working more, and life is calming down. We still talk, and she's told me that she thinks she's better off not being in a relationship, because she tends to rely on that person to meet her needs fully and that causes conflict when they don't do that. All in all, we're on really good terms these days. She's a good person and I wouldn't mind keeping her as a friend. Anyway... hope this helps. Good luck man.
Truly Lost Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I went through something very similar with someone I dated for 5 years. About 3 years into the relationship I began to realize I was no longer in love with him. At this time we no longer had sex. He didn't go out with me when I was going out with my friends. We hardly watched tv together. He would sit and stare at his computer pretty much from the time he got home from work till we went to bed. We never planned any trips to go to far away places. The relationship just wasn't good. It wasn't a relationship anymore. Anyway, I had to end it, but it killed me to hurt him and to break away from someone that was good to me and my friend. I was always complaining to my friends about how unhappy I was with him and one of my friends said he new someone who was looking for a roommate and I said, "I'll move in". So then it was set (That part was easy, the next part was really hard). I went home and I told him that at the end of the month I'll be moving out. He took it well and understood. It was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. Ugh! Actually, I ended up staying with him for nearly 4 months after (meanwhile, paying rent at the other place). Finally, I got up the strength to leave. I can say that he was the best relationship I ever had. No one else I have dated has ever treated me anywhere near as lovingly and respectfully (its not to say that it won't ever happen again, just not yet). He was good to me and fair. We still talk today. He hasn't dated anyone else since me. I've dated 2 people since him. Since my last break up, from someone else, he asked me if I would be interested in taking a trip with him in the summer time. I said sure. He also has asked me to go with him to two weddings he was invited to. Now you might think he is trying to get back together with me, but the truth is, he doesn't have any friends that are single and female to take to these functions. And he doesn't have any single male friends to go half on a trip. I love him dearly, but again I'm not in love with him. I have no control over that. I think he understands that. He just misses my company. To add to your post....I think you have made up your mind and you want to leave. I think you should be fair to both you and her and tell her its over. Things will not get better. After reading what you wrote it sounds like you are ready to meet someone else. If you don't break up with her soon, you will eventually start cheating on her, if you haven't already. You will start to resent her for not having your freedom. Your subconscience can make you do some crazy things so its best to do what you know you want. She is a big girl. She can take care of herself. If she can't then she should move back in with her parents and they can take care of her. Her fragile heart will eventually get over you and then she can meet someone new who will give her the love she needs. Breakups happen because the relationship isn't working. People break up all the time. You shouldn't allow yourself to feel guilty for wanting to let her go, buts its not her feelings that are keeping you from doing it. Its yours.
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