OneFootOut Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 So some of you read and responded to my first post about my situation. Now there is a new dilemma. My husband is making an effort. He's trying to change his ways toward me and our kids. He's been more attentive and patient with them, which in turn means a lot to me. And he's making small gestures toward me in an attempt to hang on to "us". The thing is though, I'm not feeling anything inside for him anymore. When he reaches to touch me or rub my back, it's really uncomfortable. These feelings, or the LACK of feelings has even surprised me. I knew the distance and emotional struggle had been getting to me all these years, but I didn't know it was quite this bad. Or maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it. I begged and pleaded for years for his attention and affection. I have told him and warned him that things were going down hill and I was becoming numb and dead inside so many times. It always seemed to fall on deaf ears. Now that he is finally trying, I just don't feel anything. Now, I don't want him to touch me. It's nothing intentional, I'm not trying to "get back at him", it's simply not there anymore. I'm not sure it ever will be again, I just don't know. I don't want to dwell in this existence another couple years if there's nothing there to re-ignite. I don't want him trying so hard to get back with me, if I don't feel it anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know how to handle this. In my heart and soul, we are no more than close friends now who are raising kids together. That's not a marriage. I feel like his efforts are too little too late, and it's nothing I can help. I don't want to feel like this, I just do. How do I tell him I just don't feel anything for him anymore? I'm so frustrated and so utterly sad. I'm also angry at HIM for pushing me away all these years and becoming so distant and complacent in our relationship that it faded into nothing. Now he expects to try to act like everything is OK, like just because he is trying now, I should welcome him back with a smile and open arms and just forget everything else. I just CAN'T. What do I do now?
Gunny376 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You might want to check out Helle Kreidmans "Light Her Fire" program. (Bare with me for a second) I read her $5.85 paperback version of same title eighteen years ago, applied some of her suggestions, but mainly incorporated the "spirit and letter" of the book into my last relationship. WOW! I use to be one of those guys that thought that if you didn't run out to the bar everynight, didn't cheat, didn't drink up the rent money, didn't beat your wife, didn't cheat, was a good "provider" equated to being a "good husband" Reading "Light Her Fire" set me upon a path of learning and growing. Our first Valentines together, I went to the floral shop, stood in line with all the other men ordering the obligatory 12 dozen roses. When it came my turn I told the clerk: "I want that wicker basket with the heart shape handle, lined and filled, with Baby Breath, with that teddy bear, hold a single rose in one hand and a that heart shaped ballon in the other, and Oh yea! Line the handle with those heart shaped lights (Like XMAS lights) and have them delivered to her at work." Thought nothing more of it? The school's principal (also a woman) had established a policy that all deliveries would be delivered to to the teacher's lounge. But when it arrived she personally delivered them to her to her room. All the other school teachers and teachers assistants were PO! Comments like, "All I got was the same dozen roses! Same as last year!" They flocked to her room to see my Valentines gift. I could do nor say no wrong for nine months! She had/has allergies ~ and I bought her s silver felt lined pill box ~ just because while deployed. I was thinking totally utility. But when I got back and just handed it to her, she was thrilled because it meant that I had been thinking about her while I was gone. Another good nine months! Hellen also offers CD's and books, along with "Light Her Fire" but also "Light His Fire" and "How To Light Our Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy" Because of her I use to save and put money back and whisk the LGF off to Savanah, Augusta, Charleston, the Smokey Mountains every three or four months. To bed and breakfast in West Virgina, and to Myrtle Beach every now and again. You guys just need to "re-lite" the pilot light! That can be hard to do when you're worried about keeping and having a job, paying the mortgage? Junior needs braces? When your up to your @ss in alligators, snakes and Indians it can be difficult to comprehend that your initial objective was to drain the swamp when you first started out? Sometimes? You've just got to get back to the basics!
pelicanpreacher Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 The answer is that it is not within your will to accept him with open arms because you can't. Until you reconcile and resolve the pain of the past your arms shall forever remain closed. It is, however, up to you as to when and whether you begin the process of unfolding but unfold you must before forgiveness is unfurled. Your journey back shall be just as slow and arduous as his so do not place unrealistic expectations upon yourself regarding your current demeanor for you must endure your healing before your feelings can return. Unto this endeavor, it shall be up to you to decide upon the path you'll take guaranteeing that only time will tell for "Long is the road and hard that out of Hell lead up to light"!
Edna07 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I am in the same boat. My husband is still out of the house. He is going to counseling for his anger management problems. I see him making an effort, but I just feel like it doesn't matter anymore. He hugs me and I feel nothing. I don't miss him. It's not that I don't care about him... I do. I mean, he is the father of our kids and we did have some good times together. I just feel... nothing. I'm the same as you. Maybe if he had taken me seriously the first 5 times I told him how unhappy I was and that he needed to stop treating me like his emotional punching bag, things might be different. At this point, I'm just giving it more time to see if I feel differently in a month or two. I don't want to make a rash decision... I want to be sure. Plus, even if I did fall back in love with him, I don't trust 100% that he wouldn't fall back into the same patterns.
pelicanpreacher Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I am in the same boat. My husband is still out of the house. He is going to counseling for his anger management problems. I see him making an effort, but I just feel like it doesn't matter anymore. He hugs me and I feel nothing. I don't miss him. It's not that I don't care about him... I do. I mean, he is the father of our kids and we did have some good times together. I just feel... nothing. I'm the same as you. Maybe if he had taken me seriously the first 5 times I told him how unhappy I was and that he needed to stop treating me like his emotional punching bag, things might be different. At this point, I'm just giving it more time to see if I feel differently in a month or two. I don't want to make a rash decision... I want to be sure. Plus, even if I did fall back in love with him, I don't trust 100% that he wouldn't fall back into the same patterns. Excellent point for it is the history that defines your marriage's state of being and not a snapshot of what changes your spouse undergoes during the here and now! Thank you for this post!
Author OneFootOut Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I am in the same boat. My husband is still out of the house. He is going to counseling for his anger management problems. I see him making an effort, but I just feel like it doesn't matter anymore. He hugs me and I feel nothing. I don't miss him. It's not that I don't care about him... I do. I mean, he is the father of our kids and we did have some good times together. I just feel... nothing. I'm the same as you. Maybe if he had taken me seriously the first 5 times I told him how unhappy I was and that he needed to stop treating me like his emotional punching bag, things might be different. At this point, I'm just giving it more time to see if I feel differently in a month or two. I don't want to make a rash decision... I want to be sure. Plus, even if I did fall back in love with him, I don't trust 100% that he wouldn't fall back into the same patterns. Edna, I am so happy that you are no longer in an abusive situation and that you are safe, emotionally or otherwise. I understand your hesitation about accepting his changes. It's hard to believe when they have so often repeated the pattern. They seem to think that just because they have "been good" for a couple months, or if they bring you flowers and apologies that it's supposed to make everything OK. I hope you give it A LOT of time before you let him back in (if you do). Changes need to be long term, not just a temporary act to get a grip on you again. I've been in abusive relationships and have tried to give them the benefit of doubt when they said they changed only to be fooled again and again until I learned to stop taking them back and moved on. While he is figuring himself out, it's a good time for you to work on yourself as well. You need to set some standards about the treatment you will and won't accept from ANYONE. When you set those standards and stick to them, it will be easier to make decisions about who to let in. Wish you the best
TrustInYourself Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 What's funny is we all give great advice, we just can't seem to take the same advice and apply it to our lives. The feeling you lost, didn't disappear in one day. It took years of suffering. It will take time to fix.
edgeof27 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 One Foot Out, it's time for the next step, ie, "Both Feet Out", it's over, you have no feelings for him, don't waste anymore time, move on, find someone else, you both will be happier, g....
reddog63 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 So some of you read and responded to my first post about my situation. Now there is a new dilemma. My husband is making an effort. He's trying to change his ways toward me and our kids. He's been more attentive and patient with them, which in turn means a lot to me. And he's making small gestures toward me in an attempt to hang on to "us". The thing is though, I'm not feeling anything inside for him anymore. When he reaches to touch me or rub my back, it's really uncomfortable. These feelings, or the LACK of feelings has even surprised me. I knew the distance and emotional struggle had been getting to me all these years, but I didn't know it was quite this bad. Or maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it. I begged and pleaded for years for his attention and affection. I have told him and warned him that things were going down hill and I was becoming numb and dead inside so many times. It always seemed to fall on deaf ears. Now that he is finally trying, I just don't feel anything. Now, I don't want him to touch me. It's nothing intentional, I'm not trying to "get back at him", it's simply not there anymore. I'm not sure it ever will be again, I just don't know. I don't want to dwell in this existence another couple years if there's nothing there to re-ignite. I don't want him trying so hard to get back with me, if I don't feel it anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know how to handle this. In my heart and soul, we are no more than close friends now who are raising kids together. That's not a marriage. I feel like his efforts are too little too late, and it's nothing I can help. I don't want to feel like this, I just do. How do I tell him I just don't feel anything for him anymore? I'm so frustrated and so utterly sad. I'm also angry at HIM for pushing me away all these years and becoming so distant and complacent in our relationship that it faded into nothing. Now he expects to try to act like everything is OK, like just because he is trying now, I should welcome him back with a smile and open arms and just forget everything else. I just CAN'T. What do I do now? I was and am in the same situation you describe although further down the road. I know that feeling when you just dont feel anything anymore. I had pleaded too over issues, bought books, tried to communicate.......and it never worked until I decided to separate. Since then she has made a turn around. But I feel it was too little to late. Although, it is so sad because she is a nice person and of course I still care about her and hate hurthing her. I just feel empty to a romantic type relationship anymore. I did read a book that may be good for you to look at. To good to leave, to bad to stay........ If I had to go thru this all again.........I would have made up my mind quicker, I have been in this situation too long......but after a long marriage, it is not too easy to move on.
normphi Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I'm with gunny on this one. Those feelings you don't have right now are learned feelings. They don't just happen. Thank god you still have the chance. I say you get the light his fire program off her website and try. I wish I still had the chance,I tried but it was to late for me.
edgeof27 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 You might want to check out Helle Kreidmans "Light Her Fire" program. (Bare with me for a second) I read her $5.85 paperback version of same title eighteen years ago, applied some of her suggestions, but mainly incorporated the "spirit and letter" of the book into my last relationship. WOW! I use to be one of those guys that thought that if you didn't run out to the bar everynight, didn't cheat, didn't drink up the rent money, didn't beat your wife, didn't cheat, was a good "provider" equated to being a "good husband" Reading "Light Her Fire" set me upon a path of learning and growing. Our first Valentines together, I went to the floral shop, stood in line with all the other men ordering the obligatory 12 dozen roses. When it came my turn I told the clerk: "I want that wicker basket with the heart shape handle, lined and filled, with Baby Breath, with that teddy bear, hold a single rose in one hand and a that heart shaped ballon in the other, and Oh yea! Line the handle with those heart shaped lights (Like XMAS lights) and have them delivered to her at work." Thought nothing more of it? The school's principal (also a woman) had established a policy that all deliveries would be delivered to to the teacher's lounge. But when it arrived she personally delivered them to her to her room. All the other school teachers and teachers assistants were PO! Comments like, "All I got was the same dozen roses! Same as last year!" They flocked to her room to see my Valentines gift. I could do nor say no wrong for nine months! She had/has allergies ~ and I bought her s silver felt lined pill box ~ just because while deployed. I was thinking totally utility. But when I got back and just handed it to her, she was thrilled because it meant that I had been thinking about her while I was gone. Another good nine months! Hellen also offers CD's and books, along with "Light Her Fire" but also "Light His Fire" and "How To Light Our Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy" Because of her I use to save and put money back and whisk the LGF off to Savanah, Augusta, Charleston, the Smokey Mountains every three or four months. To bed and breakfast in West Virgina, and to Myrtle Beach every now and again. You guys just need to "re-lite" the pilot light! That can be hard to do when you're worried about keeping and having a job, paying the mortgage? Junior needs braces? When your up to your @ss in alligators, snakes and Indians it can be difficult to comprehend that your initial objective was to drain the swamp when you first started out? Sometimes? You've just got to get back to the basics! Gunny, I think the name is; Dr Ellen Kriedman, and the web-site is; http://www.lightyourfire.com/, I just checked it out, sounds like good advice, might work, g....
pelicanpreacher Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Your feelings have swung the pendulum from actively seeking a way to restoring your marriage to thoughts of ending it all together. Although it may be painful for your husband to hear I believe the truth shall set you both free. Tell your husband exactly what you stated here in your opening post for it is the starting point on the path to finally resolving this situation one way or another. Thinking that you can wait and hope that with time alone your feelings for him will magically come back is a pipe dream not worthy of the nightmare that's doomed to wreak havoc upon your lives. To lead your husband on in this manner is just as cruel as the rejection you felt when he opted to starve you for affection lo these many years of your marriage. By letting him know the precise facts surrounding the state of your union upfront he can digest the true severity of damage he caused in your relationship and understand the magnitude of change he must undergo if he is to ever recapture your heart. If his intentions to change are merely a smokescreen to buy time until the dust settles and he feels you've been placated enough to stay in a scheme to return the marriage to its status quo then you'll know by his response to your openness and honesty now what to truly expect of him later. If you find that his efforts are disingenuous then tarry not by suffering a fool for foolishness be his stock and trade!
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