panoramicsauce Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hi all, I'm new on here and could use some advice, support...or whatever you've got to give I spose. I'm going on a four year relationship with my bf, it's been a very complex, rocky, hard road...and I don't know if we've hit a wall that we can't get over, or if it's just a roadblock we'll get through. I met him at a friends birthday party in July of '05. I swooned right away, and fell for him at once. Sadly, so did my best friend(who I found out later, really wasn't my best friend), however, she had a bf...so she backed off. I invited him to hang out at my aparment a few days later with me, my best friend and his friend. He came, we drank, went swimming and talked a bit. I found out then he had a meth problem. I of course, decided I wanted him even more. That night I did a tarot reading on him and told him things he had never told anyone else. We bonded, and then we had sex. He started living with me as I vowed to get him clean, because that's what I wanted for him, and that's what he wanted as well. I ended up getting fired from a high paying job, because I was trying to babysit him, which worked, he relapsed once, and has been clean off hard drugs since(We both still smoke pot, and drink now and again). I fell hard in love with him. We went up and down, he told me he didn't want to be with me, told me he didn't want a commited relationship. I persisted, he stayed. A few months later, I was out at a concert with a friend. He had sex with my supposed best friend, in my bed, and then in the closet with her when I got home. When I found out about it, he intentionally went to her house and did it again. I forgave all of it, after I got back at him by having sex with four guys(at different times) over the next few months. Through all of that we stayed together. Then there's the matter of the physical abuse, we have hit each other a few times, I've never left a mark, but I've made it painful for him. He has made me dizzy and given me a black eye. Everytime we get into a big fight, he breaks up with me, and then the next day, tells me he's sorry...tells me he doesn't want to lose me, and tells me he will change, cause he doesn't want to lose me, but he never does anything about it. I'm a controlling person, partly because I've always been somewhat controlling, and partly because I've been so hurt with all the abuse. I know that he's been hurt by my controlling nature, but what do I do? His abuse has ranged from hitting me(which we have both done, so I can't fault him completley) to calling me fat, and telling me shut up or F off. He doesn't understand that we both need counselling to get through our own crap. He won't understand that he's abusive and puts everything that goes bad in his life on me being psycotic. At this point, we've broken up more times than I can count, but I still feel the need to help him. His dad and mom were drug and alcohol addicts when he was young, and his dad was abusive to him, his stepbrother, and his stepmother. His mom wasn't abusive to him, but she was to her girlfriend. Which just brings up a whole other set of issues. I want to stay because I know that he is holding all of these things in and he's going to end up dead or in jail because he just shuts down when I try to talk to him about it. I don't know how to make him understand what he's doing without attacking him. I don't know how to get him to understand I'm trying to help him without him thinking I'm attacking him. If eventually I have to leave, I've already prepared myself for that, but I don't want to leave him knowing that he's just going to do this to someone else too. Every time we get into a fight, he tells me I'm the reason that we have a bad relationship, and while I know I contribute my part, I want to understand why he can't see the things that he is doing to make it just as bad. Today, I got so mad after he had told me to shut up for the third time, I flipped a table over and broke his pipe. I was yelling, yes, and he was ignoring me. I just wanted to talk about the fight we had the night before. Any comments?
Touche Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Wow, I don't even really know what to say to you. Any one of these things ALONE should be a deal-breaker - meth addict, physically abusive, verbally abusive, had sex with your best friend on your bed and in your closet while you're home (WTF?), he's even TOLD you that he doesn't want a relationship with you,etc. etc. You have the "whole package" when it comes to having a real loser on your hands. I bet he's also unemployed and you're supporting him too. Why do you even care what he does after you leave? He's using you. Do you not see that? It shouldn't concern you what he does after you leave. He sure doesn't sound like much of a catch that's for sure. Any woman with a shred of self-esteem and a spine would dump this loser pronto. So I wouldn't worry too much about what he does to someone else. Worry about what he's doing to YOU. You're an enabler. You want to "fix" him but you can't. Fix yourself. You only have one life and you're wasting it. You obviously bring out the worst in each other. I can't believe you call all of this a possible "roadblock." It saddens me to think that this is what you might settle for. Why do people settle for so little? If you stay with him then you deserve whatever you get I'm sorry to say. Because trust me, this will only get worse. It will...stay and you'll see. There's potential for real danger here if you ask me. Get out!
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 What the hell kind of relationship is this??????? I dont know who is worse out of you two, I advise you leave him and get yourself into therapy!!
Author panoramicsauce Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Actually, he has the job, and he's supporting me. I take care of the household stuff. I know that all this sounds bad, but you don't think that someone can change, if they want to? You refer to him as a loser, does that mean he deserves to live his life alone and unhappy, just like his dad, or does that mean that he should have the oppurtunity to get help from someone who actually loves him. This is where I'm stuck, I know that he has done some ****ty things to me, but I care because I've used four years of my life to help him, wouldn't it be a waste to stop now? Also, remember that's I've messed up in a lot of ways too.
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You are a mess up as much as he is, he is not solely at fault. You probably make a great couple and should stay together. Good luck
Author panoramicsauce Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Wow, you're a help. And just a negitive. Is there a reason that you are so high up on your pedestal? I know that I need therapy, which is why I will be seeking it within the next two weeks. I am a mess and I know it.
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Well that is good that you are aware Pan, my advice is the therapy. I am not being negative, I am being honest! You are sure to get honesty here. Did you want me to say "poor you, he is so mean to you"? If you are after soft soap then you are in the wrong place Pan. I am not being horrible but you are enabling it all and letting him walk all over you. He abuses you, you abuse him, you both take drugs, he supports you financially and you believe that being his scape goat and helper is your job. You need to get help and quicksharp!
BCCA Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 wouldn't it be a waste to stop now? I have to ask, has he changed a lot up until now? My guess is not really. The sad thing is, people really dont change, and youll only make yourself crazy trying. This is not anywhere close to a healthy relationship. Can you honestly look your friends and family in the face and tell them that youre dating a meth user, whos been abusive and cheated on you, WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND (which, that should say plenty about both of them)? I think people are trying to give you tough love because you need it. Youre worth a LOT more than this relationship, it sounds terrible. Dont do this to yourself anymore.
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 The only waste was that you got with him in the first place!
BCCA Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 The only waste was that you got with him in the first place! In her limited defense, sometimes you really dont know how bad it is until you find out firsthand. Now that you can see it, though, you really should avoid this guy like the plague.
Touche Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Actually, he has the job, and he's supporting me. I take care of the household stuff. I know that all this sounds bad, but you don't think that someone can change, if they want to? You refer to him as a loser, does that mean he deserves to live his life alone and unhappy, just like his dad, or does that mean that he should have the oppurtunity to get help from someone who actually loves him. This is where I'm stuck, I know that he has done some ****ty things to me, but I care because I've used four years of my life to help him, wouldn't it be a waste to stop now? Also, remember that's I've messed up in a lot of ways too. He deserves whatever he gets. It's not up to you to live HIS life. Why do you want to make yourself responsible for his life? Is he a man or a little boy? No, it wouldn't be a that bad a waste to stop now. But don't be like me and waste NINE years on the wrong man...stay and that's absolutely what will happen. I have no doubt. He will NOT change while you're with him. You both have too many issues and as I said, you're a very, very bad match bringing out the worst in each other. But stay if you want to because in 4 more years you'll be saying.."how can I leave now, I've put in 8 years." And yes, he's a loser. And it's not up to YOU to get him help. It's up to HIM. If he doesn't do it on his own then he's still a loser. And of course you've messed up too. But in my opinion, there's no way you can fix yourself while you're with this mess of a man...NO way. Trust me on that one. But if you want to keep trying, go ahead. You'll just waste more years. And what a shame that would be. You sound like a caring person for the most part. Too bad you're stuck on someone who doesn't respect you or cherish you. It's really sad to me.
Author panoramicsauce Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 It's odd, my friends and family all know about all of this, and I don't really know how they feel about it, if they have an issue with it, they've only expressed it to me mildly. A lot of what you are saying, I know already, I just want him to get the help he deserves, not end up like his father...he doesn't deserve that. He has a good heart, even if it's not for me.
Author panoramicsauce Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 You sound like a caring person for the most part. Too bad you're stuck on someone who doesn't respect you or cherish you. It's really sad to me. That made me cry. It makes me sad too.
Touche Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Why not ask them what they think? You might be surprised at what they have to say. Maybe they haven't said anything because they think it's not their business. (Wish my family was like that!) So tell him, before you walk out the door what you said here. That you wish him the best, that you don't want him to end up like his father but that you two aren't good anymore (if you ever were.) Then kiss him goodbye and start a new chapter in your life. You won't believe how much happier you can be. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? You don't have to say if you don't want to though.
Touche Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 That made me cry. It makes me sad too. Awww..here, have a hug! You know why that made you sad? Because I'm surely not telling you anything you don't already know, am I? You KNOW that even with your faults (and we all have them) you don't deserve what you've been getting do you? You know that. You even talk like those battered women. Do you know what I mean? You can get through this and go on to better times. It's time to close this chapter of your life now.
Author panoramicsauce Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Yeah, I've known for a long time that I don't deserve this. Like I said, I really did just want to help him and love him. I also just really wanted him to return that love. I don't think he can, I don't think he knows how to love.... BTW...I'll be 26 in less than a month.
Touche Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Yeah, I've known for a long time that I don't deserve this. Like I said, I really did just want to help him and love him. I also just really wanted him to return that love. I don't think he can, I don't think he knows how to love.... BTW...I'll be 26 in less than a month. You might be right that he doesn't know how. Well, see you're young. Just don't waste any more time. I was with the wrong guy from the age of 24 until I was 33. I was really stupid. Kept thinking he would change. Thank god I FINALLY got smart (I'm slow..what can I say?) and right after I left him I met my H..we've been together 14 years now. Very happy. See? There's hope. One day, like me, you'll wonder how in the world you could have been with someone who treated you the way he does.
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Pan, abuse is something that creeps in bit by bit and takes away our soul. We do not even know we are being abused until one day it hits us in the face. This guy is broken, and no matter how hard you try you cannot fix him! HE is the only one who can help him and it seems he is too busy turning you into a moulding of himself to try! Get out get out ....... GET OUT!! It is NOT a waste of 4 years, it is the saving of the rest of your life!!
Author panoramicsauce Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Well, I talked to him about all of this last nite. I told him I was leaving if he didn't agree to some help. First he's going to start a journal, and get all of it out. That was his idea. I told him point blank I'm not living this life anymore, that if he wanted me to stay, he would have to change his own life for himself...it's not my job. I told him I would support him, but that's it. If he doesn't stick with this, and doesn't get it and try to make himself better for himself, and if he abuses me even once more, I'm gone. I'm sticking to this for myself, because like you all said, I don't deserve to be treated like this. I know he doesn't want to end up the same as his father did, so I think he'll get to it. We'll see, if not, I'm gone. I really appreciate everything you all said here, it really helped me to stand my ground. I think I'm gonna stay on the forums for the support to continue standing my ground.
Touche Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Good for you, pan! Just be firm and stick to your guns as far as the kind of treatment you expect. And do watch your own behavior too. Don't lose it anymore. Better to walk away and come back later to talk instead of throwing things and calling each other names. If after all of this it doesn't work out, then at least you know you've tried your best, right? Yes, I hope you stick around through this. You'll get lots of support. Oh and, welcome to LS!
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