65tr6 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I HAD this kind of communication with my H early in our marriage' date=' but it only made him angry when I attempted to protect our marriage by telling him these things. .[/quote'] It was the opposite in our case. I encouraged my wife to talk about anything...But as we are finding out, our communication never actually took off.
taylor Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Difference right there between you and my wife. If I have to venture a guess, among others, your maturity at understanding relationships probably what stopped you from crossing the line. Please, 65tr6, do not give me any credit. In the midst of my affair, I was not acting with maturity or sound judgment. Yes, I had boundaries in place but I crossed one of the three and wanted to cross the other two. Every day the tempation grew stronger. Both he and I held back. I think he was waiting for me to make the first move..seeing as I was the married one. If a work change hadn't happened when it did, which was out of our control, I suspect that given a little more time, more boundaries would have been crossed. And had the OM pursued me harder after we no longer worked together, boundaries would have been crossed. I am ashamed to admit this but it is the truth. I was weak in my resolve and the temptations were strong. It's what prompted me to write my first post here in March 2008. In the end, I felt guilty and the OM got scared. I was high risk once we were no longer working together and not worth his trouble. I told him my husband knew and told him goodbye. I am learning that it is extremely healthy to have an open discussion with your spouse about other temptations/attractions that you come across in day-to-day life I really wonder how many married couples do this? You actually knew it was an infatuation and that you were not in love ? Or were you not playing it down for your husband ? Most WS, as you know, are very well known to use the line "I love you but not in love with you anymore". (My wife came pretty close - very devastating moment in your life). On D-day I told my husband it was an infatuation. But my feelings for this man lasted for many months and there was definitely a very real element of caring for this man. I let this man become important to me..what he did, how he felt, what happened to him. So, in the end, I do believe the feelings went beyond a silly, shallow, puppy love kind of feeling. But I didn't truly know this man. I never got a chance to see the "real" him. I only saw what he showed me at work. Yes, I fell in love but with who, really? And I did tell my husband eventually that I thought I fell in love with this man. It was the worst moment in our recovery. But I never told my husband that I stopped loving him or that I had fallen out of love with him. What I did do was check out of my marriage and that felt like falling out of love. I felt indifferent/apathetic towards my husband for several months prior to the onset of the affair.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Taylor, A lot of research supports the fact that the WS, for whatever reasons, has stopped putting effort into their marriage WAY BEFORE the affair takes place. I do not believe it is a conscious choice, more like a resignation that issues in the marriage can or will not change and therefore a complacency or vague dissatisfaction begins to grow unaddressed for WAY TOO LONG, by the spouse that eventually wanders. And yes, if you are finding attractions to others outside the marriage on a regular, or at least, more than one time basis, THAT IS A HUGE RED FLAG that a basic need of YOURS was going unmet within the relationship and definitely should be discussed in counseling. Determine what that need is and communicate it to your spouse. Will it hurt him? Definitely. But he CANNOT fix what he does not know about. In MC we are learning to STOP protecting each other from difficult emotions and feelings! It SEEMS the kind thing to do, but it results in very poor communication and internal resentment. The hardest question to answer is WHY you developed feelings for your AP! In truly understanding the "why" of your actions, you will understand the need that went unmet by your spouse.
taylor Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Taylor, A lot of research supports the fact that the WS, for whatever reasons, has stopped putting effort into their marriage WAY BEFORE the affair takes place. I do not believe it is a conscious choice, more like a resignation that issues in the marriage can or will not change and therefore a complacency or vague dissatisfaction begins to grow unaddressed for WAY TOO LONG, by the spouse that eventually wanders. This is 100% true, at least in my case. I even remember the exact date I consciously decided to check out of the marriage. It took three years of growing dissatisfaction to reach that point...3 YEARS! It sounds horrible to say this, but checking out of the marriage...the resignation...actually brought a sense of relief..no more frustration, no more disappointment, no more fighting...no more hurt, no pain. Kind of a numbing feeling, actually. In hindsight, I realize "checking out" was the worst thing I could have done. It put a troubled marriage in the most vulnerable position for an affair to occur. I didn't realize at the time that by checking out of the marriage I was opening the door wide for an affair to come in. It never crossed my mind. But how quickly the opportunity for an affair came knocking at my door...just two months after I checked out of the marriage. And I let it in. I often wonder how the OM KNEW to pursue me for an affair....why he started flirting in the first place. What kind of signals was I putting out there? I NEVER discussed my marriage with him or any other coworkers.I tried hard to make them all believe I was the happiest wife and mother in the world. I didn't think I was letting on otherwise. But obviously he must have picked up some clues. Who said men aren't "in tune." THAT IS A HUGE RED FLAG that a basic need of YOURS was going unmet within the relationship and definitely should be discussed in counseling. Determine what that need is and communicate it to your spouse. Will it hurt him? Definitely. But he CANNOT fix what he does not know about. You are so right here, again, Spark. The thing is I did blame my husband for my unhappiness for a long time. I realize now how wrong it was to do that. I also realized that what was making me so unhappy wasn't even anything my husband COULD have fixed. It was something I had to fix for myself. HE wasn't making me unhappy. I was making myself unhappy. It took alot of IC for me to figure this out. Like you, marriage counseling has helped my husband and I communicate more effectively. The most important thing we learned to do is share feelings without fear and to validate each other's feelings. The hardest question to answer is WHY you developed feelings for your AP! In truly understanding the "why" of your actions, you will understand the need that went unmet by your spouse. To tell you the truth, Spark, it was not difficult at all for me to understand why I developed feelings for the OM. He was so much like my husband in so many ways. I was drawn to him in much the same way I was drawn to my husband when we met and started dating. And he treated me in much the same way my husband treated me when we first met...only much more open with feelings and emotions. This OM made me feel like I mattered at a time when I was convinced I no longer mattered to my husband. And the emotional connection I had with the OM was something I had lost with my husband and longed for for 3 years. I know now that my husband never stopped caring for me and we are working hard at getting that emotional connection back. I think the pain and hurt couples feel in the midst of a troubled marriage actually makes it more difficult to open up to each other. Opening up...becoming vulnerable.. is scary...and you take a huge risk that you're going to feel even more pain/hurt by doing so....so you don't do it. You avoid it. That just makes matters worse. And the worse they get, the more you shut down, turn your back, ignore, avoid. And then something like an affair enters the picture and forces communication like never before. Alot of posters say WS are poor problem solvers. There is some truth to it since WS choose an affair rather than communication in an effort to "solve" the problem. But I think the reason they don't choose communication is either because they found it to be ineffective or because they are afraid to express their unhappiness.
65tr6 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Alot of posters say WS are poor problem solvers. There is some truth to it since WS choose an affair rather than communication in an effort to "solve" the problem. But I think the reason they don't choose communication is either because they found it to be ineffective or because they are afraid to express their unhappiness. Kinda OT but could not resist commenting. My wife is actually is very good in solving problems...not the relationship kind though. When i think i hit a brick wall, I would turn to her. Ofcourse I never told her how much that meant to me. Admiration, as I am finding out, is one of her most important emotional needs ! She would not express her unhappiness though. She let it bottle up inside her for so long. I knew she was unhappy but never realized how unhappy she was until she took the extreme step.
silktricks Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I'm sure many a WS felt "they were just friends," and as my WS asserted, "and it just got out of hand." But when confronted with thousands of minutes and texts, planning time and weekends together, gifts, talk of a future together, and all the lies and secrecy thrown in, it is hard to believe the WS can continue to justify their actions or covers their azzes with "we're just friends." My 2-bits... They are friends. That's how it almost always starts. They find something with this friend that they are missing at home - usually, of course, what they are missing is having someone tell they they are great, as for one reason or another, their spouse isn't telling 'em that at the moment. Quite often it is something that in the WS's mind is "no big deal". Those have no intention of changing their life - they just want to play pretend for awhile. (This is especially true of an EA, but can be just as true for a PA in many cases). If the BS asks questions, then "we're just friends" is the answer they will have because often that's how they think of it. She would not express her unhappiness though. She let it bottle up inside her for so long. I knew she was unhappy but never realized how unhappy she was until she took the extreme step. For us, this was true of both of us. My husband didn't know how unhappy I was, nor did I know of his. I left him for a period of time - now I know it was because I couldn't deal anymore with feeling bad - and during that time he became vulnerable to someone who he thought of as a friend. Communication is so important!!
pelicanpreacher Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Although I see ample logic in many of the posts presented on this thread I have to believe that, ultimately, the "we're just friends" line is a ploy used by the WS to relax and lower the guard of the suspecting BS in order to maintain and sustain the same level of trust they've previously enjoyed during the marriage in an effort to protect their privacy and buy time to further explore their feelings with their AP. It stands to reason that if the WS is stripped of the BS's trust and their own ability to manuever in secret then all hope of sustaining the affair is severly jeopardized so they must gaslight all initial inquiries until they've bought enough time to resolve within their heart and mind that a future can be ascertained regarding the viability of the new relationship. Usually, as has been posted before, the WS has long since checked out of the marriage so respect for the BS has often become a non-issue by comparison to the "big picture". Though the WS might feel some level of guilt or shame at deliberately hurting their spouse by engaging in the affair, if the affair has taken presedence in their order of priorities, privacy and the time to indulge themselves remains paramount until they can get their ducks in a row to secure their financial lifestyles, protect their images, and setup shop with their AP elsewhere when ready to "lower the boom" with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech!
NewSunrise Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 i had the proof in my hands with pictures and they were just friends:rolleyes: Yeah and when i fell off that turnip truck, i hit my head really hard. :d:d:d!!!!
Recommended Posts