Double-rebound? NC?

[artemisentreri]

So I've known this girl for 10 years, she's been my best friend. We dated for 4 years, she came to college with me, I gave her a promise ring. We moved in together, started fighting a lot (my fault mostly) and she eventually left. How? She went off with my best college friend, who broke up with his own gf of three years. She didn't cheat but she did leave me for him.

 

After six weeks, I implemented NC (told her) and it was only 3 days before she came crying back. I took her back too quickly I guess. Three weeks later, she wanted a break, 3 days later we reunited, a week later another break etc. etc. Anyways it turn out she was only with me for a few days when she came back and she'd been cheating on both me and the other guy for what has now been two months.

 

I was going to implement NC again when I found out she was talking to him (even as a friend) and I just did that last week. Now the first time I did it she was all upset and whatnot and this time she didn't seem to care as much. She's convinced we can be friends, she refuses to admit we're broken up even though she's with someone else (always "the future"), and she thinks we'll talk again in a few months.

 

I want to point out that this guy is a douche who also cheated on her with his ex and that both of them have become compulsive liars (to each other and everyone else). Moreover, she and I live in the same area while this guy lives across the country and he is graduating in May.

 

OK so without going into ALL the gory details, of which there are many, here goes:

 

1. Please answer my questions WITHOUT taking into account the lying, cheating, instability, etc. I realize all that crap is a deal breaker and I don't need to be told again. At this point I don't know what I want but taking her back soon is not happening.

 

2. Ok so...this guy is a rebound, it's pretty obvious to me, they have close to nothing in common. She also moved in with him right away and is now back with him (after she moved out from his place the first time at 1 am) so they are moving way way too fast. So...what does it mean when a girl gets BACK with her rebound???

 

3. Do you guys think she will come back and want to get back together or at least apologize?

 

4. Is NC not only the right strategy for me to heal but also for her to miss me? We see each other in class and we have a club together but I told her we shouldn't interact. (Oh yeah, she had her mother tell me to give her space...she turned NC around on ME this time around!).

 

5. Do you guys think it may work with this guy?

 

Thanks! I'll add details and whatnot if you guys want.

[samspade]

1. Please answer my questions WITHOUT taking into account the lying, cheating, instability, etc. I realize all that crap is a deal breaker and I don't need to be told again. At this point I don't know what I want but taking her back soon is not happening.

 

Sure, okay. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

 

2. Ok so...this guy is a rebound, it's pretty obvious to me, they have close to nothing in common. She also moved in with him right away and is now back with him (after she moved out from his place the first time at 1 am) so they are moving way way too fast. So...what does it mean when a girl gets BACK with her rebound???

 

With all due respect, your opinion is biased. Maybe they have close to nothing in common, but they're together, aren't they? What does it mean? Who cares, she obviously wants to be with him.

 

3. Do you guys think she will come back and want to get back together or at least apologize?

 

If she does come back, it will only be to use you as a branch to swing on til she finds some other guy to bang. She might apologize verbally, but will she truly be sorry? I doubt it.

 

4. Is NC not only the right strategy for me to heal but also for her to miss me? We see each other in class and we have a club together but I told her we shouldn't interact. (Oh yeah, she had her mother tell me to give her space...she turned NC around on ME this time around!).

 

It IS the right strategy for you to heal. That's all you need to worry about. You can't control whether she misses you or not so put that out of your mind.

 

She had her mother call you? That's pretty immature, man. Sounds like her and that guy deserve each other - be glad you didn't knock her up or anything crazy like that. I'm sure you can do better.

5. Do you guys think it may work with this guy?

 

Hard to say. Work out could mean they date long term, I suppose. In any event, you should move on and find someone of considerably more quality. She's been your best friend? Best friends don't do what she did to you. NEITHER of these pathetic people sound like good friends. Walk away, my friend.

[artemisentreri]

Thanks for the advice. I did post in the second chances forum though and although I haven't yet made a choice I would like to have the option of making the final decision in the end. Any advice about the rebound or getting her to come back?

[samspade]

I'm not sure what you mean by "final decision."

 

But you can't get her to come back. That's not to say she won't, but there is nothing you can do to get her to return. You can only do things to push her away even more.

 

As far as her rebound, well, I don't know what it means, really. Sounds like she just wants to get her rocks off with him right now. I wouldn't read too much into it. In fact, my advice is that you move on and find someone a little more mature.

[artemisentreri]

I do see your point with this. I assume that by pushing her away even more you mean begging and/or bothering her and her ex. We didn't exactly enter NC on amicable terms, does that count as pushing away too? Anything else to avoid?

[Island Girl]

Okay - you have yourself in a yo-yo position.

 

Now you both qualify as rebounds as far as the "relationship rules" go.

 

If there is a CHANCE that she will ever come back then NC is the only way to fan those flames.

If you continue to act as you have been you will never - never - have the opportunity at a reconciliation and certainly even less of a chance at a reconciliation that turns into a permanent relationship.

 

NC is for you. To get back to yourself. The person you are is not the real you AND not the person she was initially attracted to either.

In fact if you took a good long look at yourself what would be your attractive qualities?

Because confident and strong are at the top of the list - should be - and how are you confident and strong right now?

 

Do not allow this situation to break you down. She is mixed up and a MESS. She had her mother speak to you?!! My GAWD man you should be so angry that you don't WANT any contact anyway.

 

She has a lot to work out in her own head.

 

Let her alone.

 

No - I don't think her current relationship will work out. I think there is enough just in her behavior with you that would cause problems in any relationship but one can never tell for sure.

 

If indeed there is a break-up, and she does come running to you, who is she going to find?

[samspade]

The person you are is not the real you AND not the person she was initially attracted to either.

In fact if you took a good long look at yourself what would be your attractive qualities?

Because confident and strong are at the top of the list - should be - and how are you confident and strong right now?

 

Very well said, Island Girl.

 

If indeed there is a break-up, and she does come running to you, who is she going to find?

 

Even better.

 

So many people do the NC routine, but when the former SO comes running back, what happens? They are eagerly accepted back into their life, no questions asked. The "second chance" usually lasts a few weeks, because the person who thought he was moving on was really just biding his time in desperation.

 

That's the paradox of NC. If you do it right, you probably won't want her back when she comes around.

[Island Girl]

So many people do the NC routine, but when the former SO comes running back, what happens? They are eagerly accepted back into their life, no questions asked. The "second chance" usually lasts a few weeks, because the person who thought he was moving on was really just biding his time in desperation.

 

Yeah. *sigh*

 

Anytime I broke it off with a guy (usually because he had become weak in my eyes so I had little respect at that point) and then decided I wanted them back they sprang at the chance (which only caused me to lose even more respect for them) and I would break it off shortly thereafter.

 

You are right. If they had done NC correctly they would have seen me as the succubus I was (emphasis on WAS) and closed the door in my face.

[artemisentreri]

Yes, that is indeed what happened with me the first time around. I went into NC after about 5 weeks but I spent that time working on myself. I fixed things in myself that had caused problems in our relationship in the past (like my temper) and I was ready to give it a real second shot. However, she was obviously not over the other guy and I realize I should NOT have taken her back after only 3 days of NC because now she thinks she can always have me.

 

What did you mean by: "If you continue to act as you have been you will never - never - have the opportunity at a reconciliation and certainly even less of a chance at a reconciliation that turns into a permanent relationship."?

 

I have been in NC for a little over a week now so I don't think I'm doing anything wrong now. I am meeting new people, going out more, and really trying to work on myself for now to become that confident person again.

 

I do have an additional question. We see each other in a class twice a week and run a club together (although we haven't met for that in a while). Because of her mother's call and her cheating, which I never confronted her about, we are totally ignoring each other right now. When I wrote her and we talked about NC, I promised her I wouldn't "ignore" her but finding out about the cheating and her mother's calls was just too much and I AM upset. However, should I be making an effort to say "hi" or something? I don't want there to be spite between us because I know that can't be good for any possible reconciliation.

 

She's been trying to also press my buttons through Facebook by posting her relationship and happy statuses....which she never did before. I really don't want this to become a war to see who can hold out the longest.

[samspade]

Do not engage in her childish games, first of all.

 

However, should I be making an effort to say "hi" or something? I don't want there to be spite between us because I know that can't be good for any possible reconciliation.

No.

 

Here's the deal: You can be polite and say "hi" when you pass by her if the circumstance dictates. Anything involving effort should be forgotten. It's a weird distinction, but I think you get the idea. You don't owe her any effort, so be cordial if you have to see her, but that's it.

 

And don't worry about whether she sees it as spite or not. That's not your concern. Keep this in mind:

 

Law #4:

When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open- ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

[Island Girl]

What did you mean by: "If you continue to act as you have been you will never - never - have the opportunity at a reconciliation and certainly even less of a chance at a reconciliation that turns into a permanent relationship."?

 

I mean you have lost yourself and you have become a mess. A doormat and you don't even muster self righteous indignation when it comes to how much wrong she has done to YOU.

 

Relationships that are happy and balanced do not have people in them who are doormats. Each person is strong in their own right and choose to be together.

They don't need each other. There isn't any neediness.

 

So even if she came back to you right now - she would come back to a needy person; a weak person. And she would turn around and walk all over you and then leave again.

 

You need to get the you she met -- who was happy, carefree, strong, confident, etc.

Where is that guy? Haven't you self evaluated and realized that you are lost within the mess right now?

 

I have been in NC for a little over a week now so I don't think I'm doing anything wrong now. I am meeting new people, going out more, and really trying to work on myself for now to become that confident person again.

 

Fantastic! You can not go wrong by getting yourself to a healthier mental place.

 

When I wrote her and we talked about NC, I promised her I wouldn't "ignore" her but finding out about the cheating and her mother's calls was just too much and I AM upset. However, should I be making an effort to say "hi" or something? I don't want there to be spite between us because I know that can't be good for any possible reconciliation.

 

That paragraph just shows me how far off track your head has become. You are broken up. You owe her nothing. You do not have any ties to her - you do not promise her anything except that you will live YOUR LIFE as you see fit. You are going NC. It is not for her to know or understand.

I even wish you hadn't talked to her about going NC but water under the bridge, right?

 

You should be angry and you have every reason to be. When someone treats you like crap do you really think you should run after them for more of the same? No.

 

And if someone hurts you -- they are in the wrong -- should you bridge the conversation so they feel more comfortable? No.

 

You can say "hi" if you are presented with a situation where she is right in front of you - yeah. But the "hi" is the type of "hi" you say to someone you don't even know that well. Like an acquaintance. Just a "hey, what's up." in passing - not expecting an answer and you are moving past so it is not assumed you want a response. You need to act like you really don't give a sh*t.

 

She's been trying to also press my buttons through Facebook by posting her relationship and happy statuses....which she never did before. I really don't want this to become a war to see who can hold out the longest.

 

 

Quit looking! You are making your situation harder by doing so. Do not look at her Facebook, block from seeing her online -- disencumber yourself from her and anything to do with her.

[artemisentreri]

Thanks to the both of you for your great advice, I'll let you know how everything goes if anything changes..