CarrieT Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 We broke up six months ago. There was an attempt to "be friends" for a few months but some fights about financial issues around the holidays killed the friendship and now there is an abject hatred. We were business partners so we had to keep in contact for a while for financial reasons and there is a possibility that some of the poor business decisions made could come back to bite me at some point (right as I left, I discovered the business was $250k in debt). The problem is that because we were in business together, I still have access to his e-mail and he doesn't know it. The obsession and addiction has been to keep an eye on what was "our business" to see what has been happening. I'll admit it: A part of me wants him to fail. I want to know he can't get along without me (and so far, it has been a huge struggle for him). But like a heroin addict, I wake up each morning and say "I'm not going to read his emails today" and I do... It isn't his personal life -- he has a separate email account for that which I do not have access to. This is all business stuff and even trying to start a new business myself (in an entirely different field), I can't stop thinking about what he is doing to the business that I helped build and had to leave when we split up. Yes, I know the "just stop" argument, but I wouldn't be here asking for guidance if it were that easy...
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Actually it is that easy. Every moment you devote to checking up on him, you're neglecting your own business accumen, know-how and reputation. If you walked out, and it's a done deal, any debts are down to him now, surely? What he does, and how he struggles - in this day and age - si not your concern. You should be concentrating on making sure your business thrives. When even the biggest-name car giants are laying of personnel in their thousands, thank your lucky stars you're in a position to build. A client today thanked me for the service I provided and told me that in these trying times it wasn't about products and costs - it was about customer service. If you can focus on that, promote and perpetuate the personal touch - you'll do ok. Set your mind to making your business a roaring success - and forget about wanting his failure. His fate was sealed the moment you walked out the door. Leave it at that. Now, get on with your work.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I know the "just stop" argument, but I wouldn't be here asking for guidance if it were that easy... Maybe, try to figure out what you are REALLY getting out of your behaviour, and see if there is some other way you can satisfy that need without resorting to, er, "spy tactics"? I get that you're kinda wanting his business to fail...but just reading the emails isn't facilitating his failure. Is there growing evidence that the business is on a downward spiral? If so, is there any genuine sense of satisfaction/thrill in that? The other way of saying that you want to know that he needs you, is to say that you are lacking some of your usual high self-esteem and self-confidence. Even if he fails, and even if you continue to spy on him, that won't bring your 'old' self back. And just cos he does NOT appear to need you, does not mean that you are not worthy, significant and valuable. You ARE that, with or without him "needing" you; with or without his acceptance; with or without his approval. If it is that you are experiencing a temporary case of self-doubt, possibly some short-term therapy can help with that. Best of luck.
Author CarrieT Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Thank you, Ronni -- you pegged it. And seeing it words from an outside perspective is helpful. Dating has been unsuccessful, I am feeling incredibly lonely, and with the economy going the direction it has been, the start of my own business (jewelry) is more than frightening. Also, the business that the Ex and I had was computer-oriented and up until six months ago, I was living quite the high-life (we had made and wasted a LOT of money). I'm sure much of what I am also feeling is not only the loss of the companionship, but the lifestyle of the rich. I have been abjectly poor and I am very afraid that I might fail and have to go back to *that* most unpleasant lifestyle. And you are absolutely right that I am lacking self-esteem. I've lost a lot of weight, am told I'm "beautiful" and "gorgeous," but I certainly don't feel attractive whatsoever. But thank you for your insight. I've read and reread your words a number of times and will probably continue to do so for a bit.
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hey, Carrie. Glad I could help. It's tough to stay optimistic when things feel as if they're going sideways and backwards. Maybe for now you can just believe those who are recognizing that you're beautiful and gorgeous? And later on (when you've claimed back all your esteem and confidence), you can worry about whether they were blind or stupid...or both! Good luck with your new business -- you'll do great if you say that you will. Yes?
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