Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I predict that when Jam proposes, this will happen: She'll start feeling guilty because she will then feel she's pressured him into it, and think he's proposed just to keep her happy. She won't believe he's done it because he loves her - she'll believe he's done it to get her to zip up. I guaran-feckin'-tee it. Jam - you'll be back. Trust me - it ain't gonna be over when you pop the question...... Then the question from her, will be: "When, huh? When we gonna do this, huh? When??"
Author jam1982 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 So let me get this straight: When I was going to wait to propose, ya'll told me that I was being manipulative, driving her crazy, leading her on. Now I'm saying that I love her and I know I want to be with her so proposing now is something I WANT to do, I'm hearing everyone say that that's ALSO a bad idea because then she will feel guilty she pushed me into it and I'm only doing it to appease her. So I'm pretty much wrong either way? So the situation will get fixed how?
Author jam1982 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I dont' think she will feel guilty, I think it will make her very happy, as it will me. Plus she wants to get engaged, so if I propose now that is not going to make her happy and it will not be what she wants. Wha?
dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 See Op, this is where you went very very wrong. Continuing to tell her that you will propose, yet you haven't yet, makes her think you are all talk. If you weren't ready before, you should have to told her that. I agree with Geish, she's not going to buy it. Honestly, I don't even buy it.
Author jam1982 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 See Op, this is where you went very very wrong. Continuing to tell her that you will propose, yet you haven't yet, makes her think you are all talk. If you weren't ready before, you should have to told her that. I agree with Geish, she's not going to buy it. Honestly, I don't even buy it. Yeah, I understand what you are saying. Maybe what I should have said was that I knew I wanted to propose but wanted to wait. I guess I was just dumb and thought that telling her I had a date picked up would tell her to relax and that I would propose when I was ready.
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I dont' think she will feel guilty, I think it will make her very happy, as it will me. Plus she wants to get engaged, so if I propose now that is not going to make her happy and it will not be what she wants. Wha? If you refer back to my post (#19) everything will be explained there. You have consistently ignored that little snippet, but I promise you, address it, and things may well move on. Until then - this needs fixing. Whatever you do. You both need counselling. Especially her. but you could both do with coming to the same page, together.
Author jam1982 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 If you refer back to my post (#19) everything will be explained there. You have consistently ignored that little snippet, but I promise you, address it, and things may well move on. Until then - this needs fixing. Whatever you do. You both need counselling. Especially her. but you could both do with coming to the same page, together. I went back and read it thanks. A few of them are lacking, you are correct about that. Maybe before a proposal will take place we need to have some more talks about our relationship. Engagement won't solve communication problems, we need to do that on our own.
Chat Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Im actually going to say WAIT until May. I am your GF - in that Im in her position - my partner and I are getting married next May (2010) we set the date have started looking at ideas for the wedding but he has the proposal all planned out for July - so in July we are getting engaged offically. My partner considers us already married (and by common law we are - we live together ), for him he wants to do the one grand romantic guesture right - its not about stalling or being unsure - its about him having a dream and idea (like we girls generally do about the wedding) and seeing it through. I think July was picked because its the month my father passed away and my partner like to try and take sad events and turn them around - make July something to look forward to than dread. Stick to your guns - IF your sure your not stalling -then wait - perhaps set the date with her - but do the proposal with her in May.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Shoot. Now I wanna know how this thing played out. He hasn't posted since.
Author jam1982 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Shoot. Now I wanna know how this thing played out. He hasn't posted since. Well, we had another discussion and she ended up moving out after telling me she didn't want to wait around anymore. (this was last week) I asked her if proposing would make her change her mind and she said no. Then she left.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Well, we had another discussion and she ended up moving out after telling me she didn't want to wait around anymore. (this was last week) I asked her if proposing would make her change her mind and she said no. Then she left. Oh, Jam - I'm sorry. But you know, honestly, the more I read, the more I agreed with the other ladies - she sounded kind of selfish. Like a ring was just SO important. But I am sorry - I know hearing that doesn't change the hurt. You'll find somebody better that won't mind waiting for the right time with you. Kinda sounds to me like she was waiting around for V-day hoping that was the date you had picked out. You didn't meet her expectations. What a thing to throw a relationship away on. *rolling my eyes*
Squirtal Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Jam, maybe you could show her this thread to prove that you have been thinking about it and wanting to propose...just a thought.
Toodle Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Sounds like a situation that may have a bearing on my own breakup - she was very keen to be married before we had kids. She was dropping hints like crazy over the last few months, but I wanted to wait until March. But didn't tell her this, just that it would happen. She broke up with me on New year's day. It wasn't the only reason, but I imagine my perceived lack of commitment will have amplified other negatives for her until she'd made up her mind. And She told me she didn't want me to try and convince her to stay, which may have been code for "if you propose now i would say yes but i can't trust that you'd mean it or be doing it out of desperation". Ultimately if it had any bearing, she chose a symbol of a ring over me as a person. Says it all really.
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 It's a matter of a complete breakdown in Communication, a lack of Trust on her part, and what she perceives as poor commitment on his. They're not even on the same chapter, let alone the same page! I am with Lishy with regard to this not even getting to May. I hope she can last until your birthday. I issued a warning on the 11th of February. Looks like I was right. Sorry about that.
movingonandon Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 You know, this is a sad situation. if I were to find myself in one like this, i would just break up with her. Even if you love a woman very much (which is seems you do), her giving you ultimatums (and you giving in), sets a terrible precedent. I would dump her even if I actually wanted to marry her. If she can't deal with the wait, it's her problem. You're with her, you love her, maybe you'll get married someday. But you don't *owe* it to her. You'd do it because both of you want to. If you give in to the blackmail, you're screwed for life. At this point it's a lose-lose IMO. That said, the dumbest thing for you is to read the above as an encouragement to end things. You can work things out with respect and by talking them through. Ultimatums and blackmail are anything but.
Author jam1982 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Well, I think we both contributed to the situation and it just ended badly. I have tried calling her but she will not return any of my calls. I guess i'm going to have to let her go, but it seriously hurts because I really do love her. I just wish she hadn't needed solid proof of that...
movingonandon Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Well, I think we both contributed to the situation and it just ended badly. I have tried calling her but she will not return any of my calls. I guess i'm going to have to let her go, but it seriously hurts because I really do love her. I just wish she hadn't needed solid proof of that... That suxx, I am sorry. But after the dust settles, you will probably realize that you have dodged a bullet. She behaved in an disrespectful way, I think... Giving you hard time and ultimatums about life-changing decision to satisfy her need to show a ring off? Yep.
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