whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Okay, so you think I should give her a timeline? Won't that kind of ruin the whole thing though? And up her anxiety that she'll keep expecting it? Why not quietly mention to her mom or one of her closest friends that you have something special planned and by summer time it'll be good news for everyone. Atleast this way she'll quiet down..
PrincessPeach Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Get a ring. Carry it around with you in your pocket or something. When a moment strikes you as a good time... take it out and propose (If you are ready to propose). You really don't need to wait until May if you know you are going to do it then anyway. This way it will still be sort of planned, but also be spontaneous. Love isn't purely about calculations, it has a lot to do with getting caught up in the moment. We can't plan for these moments to happen very well, but they happen anyway when we might not expect them to. Just my thoughts and recommendations
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Do you think she will appreciate the surprise? Put the girl out of her misery! If you want it to be special then do it now or you may be broken up and she may be in a nut house by May!!
Treasa Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 If you're sure you want to marry her, buy a ring and do it. If you aren't ready to get married and aren't sure you want to, then don't. Just be honest with her either way, and be prepared for her reaction.
jadelil25 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 If you want to propose why not do it? If it is something that you want to do then go ahead and do it. Atleast you already know that she wants it too. As they say actions speak louder than words. It sounds like she is trying to find out if you stick to your word and promises. If it is what you want then just go ahead and ask her.
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I tried to talk to her about it last night and we ended up getting in a fight. She told me she didn't believe me when I said I wanted to surprise her with a nice proposal. I tried to calm her down and reason with her but she was so upset. I finally told her that I need her to just calm down about the whole thing because I'm feeling pressured. She seemed agreeable but I think she is still upset. Yikes.
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I dont think she is right for you, nor you for her! You are butting heads over what? She sounds like she is more obsessed with marriage rather than a happy relationship. I think she should not be putting this pressure on you and I also think your idea of a surprise is not good and far from romantic! I would be surprised if you stay together until May! It is all so childish. Are you sure you are mature enough for marriage?
pandagirl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I'm a woman, and I am siding with the guy in this case. Anyone constantly putting pressure on you is a complete turn off. You end up in the position of having to constantly reassure the person over and over -- again, a turn-off. My brother and his wife dated for eight years before he proposed. Started dating in college. All she said to him was: "I want to get married before I'm 30." They both knew they would get married, but my brother also wasn't in a rush. Still she didn't put any pressure on him because she knew he was a man of his word. She *believed* without a doubt that they would get married eventually. What do you know? He proposed when she was 28 and got married at 29. The point is, she obviously doesn't feel secure enough in your relationship. Not sure whose fault that is.
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I don't know why she isn't secure. I treat her great, we have a good relationship, do fun things together, ect. Maybe I'm wrong for telling her I'm going to propose but not doing it RIGHT NOW. However, I wish she could just relax and trust that I will do right by her. Maybe you all are right though, maybe I should just plan for something sooner. (sorry everyone, I am the ULTIMATE planner). My birthday is in a couple weeks, she can be my birthday present.
confused_2008 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Something just doesn't seem right here to me. I guess I'm in the wrong because Geisha is wise beyond her years (I'm not being sarcastic) and she says propose, but can't your girlfriend just be secure in and enjoy the relationship without being engaged immediately? I don't know, it just seems like she has some issues and marriage is the solution for her. I could be completely wrong but I would be worried if I was in your position.
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Pandagirl, it's not a question of guilt. It's a matter of a complete breakdown in Communication, a lack of Trust on her part, and what she perceives as poor commitment on his. They're not even on the same chapter, let alone the same page! I am with Lishy with regard to this not even getting to May. I hope she can last until your birthday. Kind of telling that she can be 'your gift to you'.... just to let you know that comes across as being a little self-absorbed....
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Something just doesn't seem right here to me. I guess I'm in the wrong because Geisha is wise beyond her years (I'm not being sarcastic) and she says propose, but can't your girlfriend just be secure in and enjoy the relationship without being engaged immediately? I don't know, it just seems like she has some issues and marriage is the solution for her. I could be completely wrong but I would be worried if I was in your position. Yes, hense my post. I want to marry her I'm just not in a huge hurry to propose. I think the issue everyone is having is that I tell her I am going to propose and have something planned but don't actually do it RIGHT THEN OR IMMEDIATELY following my claim. But seriously, if she would just calm down and let me surprise her then it wouldn't even be a big deal about me supposedly leading her on. The pressure is getting to me too and I don't want to propose when our relationship is strained. How can I get her to just calm down and trust me?
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Pandagirl, it's not a question of guilt. It's a matter of a complete breakdown in Communication, a lack of Trust on her part, and what she perceives as poor commitment on his. They're not even on the same chapter, let alone the same page! I am with Lishy with regard to this not even getting to May. I hope she can last until your birthday. Kind of telling that she can be 'your gift to you'.... just to let you know that comes across as being a little self-absorbed.... That was a joke okay? Probably a bad one to tell to a bunch of girls though...
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 This puzzles me If I was with the man I wanted to marry I would be happy in the knowledge that I was with a man I loved enough to marry! I would tell him how I felt and that would be that. If he asked me to marry him I would say yes and if he didn't (but still showed me how much he loved me and we were happy) I would still be safe in the knowledge that I wanted to be with him forever! Your gf seems to want the wedding for the sake of it. Proposing is not about grand gestures, surprises or pressure. Proposing is letting the girl you love know how much you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her! You seem to be planning this so that you get a great response, but the girl is so wound up that all you will get is relief! Do you really want to be with a girl who needs a ring to be happy? Who stomps her feet and causes a row as she is not getting it quick enough? Think about it!
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Something just doesn't seem right here to me. I guess I'm in the wrong because Geisha is wise beyond her years (I'm not being sarcastic) and she says propose, but can't your girlfriend just be secure in and enjoy the relationship without being engaged immediately? I don't know, it just seems like she has some issues and marriage is the solution for her. I could be completely wrong but I would be worried if I was in your position. There is something seriously wrong with this, and i would agree with you completely. The elements I spoke of earlier, (see post #19) are missing or absent. I did try to point this out. However, it seems that she wants one thing, our OP wants another, and that little snippet went whooshing over his head. So I figure, if folk wanna hear what they wanna hear, stick to what they're focussed on. Not on the cold harsh facts and cold grey light of day. Unless they get some kind of counselling, I don't see this evolving into a productive marriage.
Treasa Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I agree with Lishy and pandagirl on this. Maybe you should tell her, "Fine, will you marry me?" If she says yes, there ya go. You don't have to do anything special. If she gets pouty and says that you didn't give her a special proposal, consider dropping her, because then she's just being selfish. If she wants it to be special, then she should wait until you have everything in order to make it special. If she just wants to be engaged/married, then she should have no problem with you just saying, "Ok, we're engaged."
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I don't think she is completely desperate to get married, she is just anxious about when I will propose because I have been saying I will. I understand her anxiety. I think you made a good point Lishy that she will feel some relief instead of excitement. I hope that's not the case! I want her to be happy and excited. You all brought up some really great points and I appreciate it. The truth is I don't want to lose her. I'm truthfully not in a huge hurry to get engaged, however I have been telling her I will propose so in essense I can see why she is getting so anxious about it. One of my buddies had a great idea. He suggested I do it on Valentine's Day. That would be a special day that she would never forget. It seems kind of crazy because that's only like 4 days away! So what does everyone think?
Treasa Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I don't think she is completely desperate to get married, she is just anxious about when I will propose because I have been saying I will. I understand her anxiety. I think you made a good point Lishy that she will feel some relief instead of excitement. I hope that's not the case! I want her to be happy and excited. You all brought up some really great points and I appreciate it. The truth is I don't want to lose her. I'm truthfully not in a huge hurry to get engaged, however I have been telling her I will propose so in essense I can see why she is getting so anxious about it. One of my buddies had a great idea. He suggested I do it on Valentine's Day. That would be a special day that she would never forget. It seems kind of crazy because that's only like 4 days away! So what does everyone think? If you're ready, go for it! Otherwise, stop telling her you're going to propose, because then you're just teasing her.
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Errrrrrrr ....... What about what YOU want? Where does that come into it? You have just said that you are in no hurry, that speaks volumnes! Ok so you ask her to marry you, she then wants to set the date arrange the dress, the cake, the venue and then talks about babies and where to live. Then you get married and it is a CONTRACT not just a fancy day out with nice food and a nice dress, but the rest of your life!!! A promise to stay with her forever and if you change your mind it costs money and much anguish to get out of it! You are ready for that? I dont think so because if you were then you would be engaged already!
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Errrrrrrr ....... What about what YOU want? Where does that come into it? You have just said that you are in no hurry, that speaks volumnes! Ok so you ask her to marry you, she then wants to set the date arrange the dress, the cake, the venue and then talks about babies and where to live. Then you get married and it is a CONTRACT not just a fancy day out with nice food and a nice dress, but the rest of your life!!! A promise to stay with her forever and if you change your mind it costs money and much anguish to get out of it! You are ready for that? I dont think so because if you were then you would be engaged already! That will def. be an ordeal in regards to weddings, but it doesn't scare me to plan one. I guess I'm just not in a big hurry to get married/plan a wedding/ect. Her on the other hand, is going to want to set a date right away and start planning. I understand that. Maybe I'm just not in a hurry for all the stress to come. As, you all can plainly see I'm confused.
Lishy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Well Jam, this is not like deciding if you should have a ham or cheese sandwich, this is a decision you should not be pressured into. You will resent her for it and she will resent you in the end, trust me! When in doubt, do nothing!
Treasa Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 That will def. be an ordeal in regards to weddings, but it doesn't scare me to plan one. I guess I'm just not in a big hurry to get married/plan a wedding/ect. Her on the other hand, is going to want to set a date right away and start planning. I understand that. Maybe I'm just not in a hurry for all the stress to come. As, you all can plainly see I'm confused. Yep, and you shouldn't propose until you know. If you're just feeling lazy and don't want any part of the planning, don't sweat it. I think a lot of men feel like that. If you're sure you want to marry her and all that, then go ahead and propose. If you're unsure about marrying HER, then don't propose.
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 That was a joke okay? Probably a bad one to tell to a bunch of girls though... Jokes like that don't always come across well when there's no eye contact or body language. "Bunch of girls"....? is that what you think we are? A bunch of girls...? Oh no - wait - that's a joke too, isn't it.....?
Author jam1982 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Jokes like that don't always come across well when there's no eye contact or body language. "Bunch of girls"....? is that what you think we are? A bunch of girls...? Oh no - wait - that's a joke too, isn't it.....? Ok, "the women posting in my thread." Anyway, I have thought about it and have decided to propose to my GF next week. I am not going to do it on Valentine's day but a few days after. It will surprise the heck out of her! Thanks for the advice, you made me all realize that I was being silly and that it makes no difference whether I propose now or in 3 months. So thanks ladies (and guys) for helping me see the light. NOW I have to think of a way to propose...
BentSpine Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Listen to the girls above when they say that actions speak louder than words. Staying together is easier said than done. Wouldn't it make sense to marry her after 25 years as a way of celebrating your good relationship? If you really want to be with her the rest of your life, then show your dedication by actually BEING with her the rest of your life. Your dedication can ONLY be proven by the temptations that you decide to pass up. Your loyalty doesn't exist before the first sucessfully ignored temptation. When it would be easier to walk away, that's the only moment you can become loyal. Not by saying I DO one day all dressed up. And you do realise that if someone needs needs a ring that because your word isn't enough to them, do you? You fear her leaving you because that would take you out of your comfort zone. I hope I'm wrong when I believe that you'll be back here saying "I saw the red flags but didn't listen to my gut!" Start out as you intend to go on. The problems you have now will reoccur only with other issues.
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