jam1982 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hello LS, I am new. I just found this website and have been reading some posts. I have an issue that I need some help on. I noticed that there are lots of other posts regarding this subject but here goes.. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. We moved in together last year and things have been going great. We had some fights last year about a few things, but were able to work things out. The problem is that she keeps pressuring me for engagement/marriage. She brings it up every few months and every time I tell her that I love her and it will happen. It just doesn't seem to be enough though! I DO have plans to propose, but she almost like doesn't believe me or something? I don't get it, I love her and show her every single day. And yes we have had "talks." MANY talks. It always ends the same way.."I love you GF and want to spend my life with you. I will make you so happy, you will see." She seems "okay" like she is satisfied with my reassurance. But then it happens all over again a few months later. I want to take my time with this and do it right. Should I just spontaneously propose? I don't want her to issue me some ultimatum.. Oh we are both 26, stable careers...
PrincessPeach Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Out of curiosity, what is keeping you from proposing or making an engagement?
BCCA Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Out of curiosity, what is keeping you from proposing or making an engagement? Was thinking the same thing. You have to realize that at some point, talk is cheap. MANY people say theyre going to marry someone, just to appease the person at the time, and it never happens. She may have had an ex or two that did the whole 'just wait and see' bit (which no one likes), and is just trying to see what the hold up is. I have to be honest, too...its kind of selfish of you to expect that the timeline for everything should be set by you alone. If she is interested in getting married, and youre not, you need to let her know that. I really never got the whole 'someday' thing, it really just sounds like youre buying yourself time. Its either a yes or a no. There is nothing wrong with either answer, as only you can decide whats good for you, but youre going to have to live with an answer of some kind. Trust me, she's going to get the impression youre blowing her off and wasting her time sooner than later, and then its going to be too late.
Author jam1982 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thank you for responding. The reason I want to wait to plan something is because we are going on a beach vacation in May to a small island where her parents have a beach house. I plan to propose on this little boardwalk that leads down to the beach. I want to make it special for her and I think that would be an awesome moment she would never forget. I realize why she may think I am leading her on, but I'm not! That's why I don't understand why she is so upset. I don't even taught her or throw it in her face all the time. Plus I really want to surprise her and it seems that she is so crazy about this right now that I'm feeling some tension and pressure. She asked me the same questions that you both did, but the answer is no. I want to marry her but I guess I just want to stick to my plan. I don't know how else to explain it. So do you think she feels justified here? Should I talk to her about this?
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 If you 'spontaneously propose' make sure you mean it, and that you have a date in mind. Because otherwise that's just more stalling. Have you also discussed whether you BOTH want children? To her, getting married before getting pregnant may be a big factor. And at 26, it's time she thought about having children IF you both want them. Don't have them for the sake of it. You really do need to step up to the plate and give her a fixed response, not this airy-fairy blah-blah you've been giving her. I'd have been sorely tempted to smother you in your sleep by now......
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 She asked me the same questions that you both did, but the answer is no. I want to marry her but I guess I just want to stick to my plan. I don't know how else to explain it. So do you think she feels justified here? Should I talk to her about this? She is highly justified! You still don't explain why this should run only according to your plan! If sticking to your plan is obviously making her fretful, anxious and insistent - don't you think perhaps there's something wrong with "your plan" - ?!?
Author jam1982 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 If you 'spontaneously propose' make sure you mean it, and that you have a date in mind. Because otherwise that's just more stalling. Have you also discussed whether you BOTH want children? To her, getting married before getting pregnant may be a big factor. And at 26, it's time she thought about having children IF you both want them. Don't have them for the sake of it. You really do need to step up to the plate and give her a fixed response, not this airy-fairy blah-blah you've been giving her. I'd have been sorely tempted to smother you in your sleep by now...... First attempt at quoting, I did it! Anyway, we have discussed children. We mutually agree that neither of us is ready for children right now. We also want our children to be born in wedlock so we would get married before thinking about that. We agreed on about 4 years. I guess this is part of why I'm not in a huge rush to get married. So by fixed response, you mean tell her I'm not ready to propose but will be in May? It's only like a few months away, should I just tell her I'm not ready to propose/get married yet? I just don't feel like that is the case. I ever told her that I wanted to propose and that I had a place and time all picked out.
Author jam1982 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 She is highly justified! You still don't explain why this should run only according to your plan! If sticking to your plan is obviously making her fretful, anxious and insistent - don't you think perhaps there's something wrong with "your plan" - ?!? So you are saying I should propose just to appease her? I realize I'm holding all the cards here, but I want it to be a surprise proposal so isn't that the way it happens? I don't have much experience with a long term relationship where marriage/engagement/proposals were on the table so maybe I'm a little anxious and nervous about the whole thing.
Treasa Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 My first thought was to make sure you aren't LB's boyfriend. Ahem, nevermind. Anyway... I'm going to go against the status quo and say you should wait until you're ready. Tell her you aren't ready yet, but she can expect it within the next six months or something. That way it can still be a surprise.
Author jam1982 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 My first thought was to make sure you aren't LB's boyfriend. Ahem, nevermind. Anyway... I'm going to go against the status quo and say you should wait until you're ready. Tell her you aren't ready yet, but she can expect it within the next six months or something. That way it can still be a surprise. Wait, who? Oh well, doesn't matter. Like I said though I have found similar threads (mostly from the GF's point of view) about engagement and marriage. Okay, so you think I should give her a timeline? Won't that kind of ruin the whole thing though? And up her anxiety that she'll keep expecting it?
Treasa Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Well, I meant as a counter proposal to what the others said. See, I'm a girl, but I don't think anyone should ever propose until they're ready to. I don't think there should be a deadline, and I don't think there should be ultimatums. By the same token, people should feel free to leave the relationship if they want to get married and it doesn't look like it's gonna happen. I wonder if it's insecurity in your girlfriend's case or just that she wants to see this move to the next level?
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 You sound both too technical and clueless. Your GF is under the impression that you are giving her the run-around. And telling her you're waiting until May, will merely prompt her to ask - "WHY - ?!?" and if the reason is the romantic venue - forget it. Why should you be holding all the cards? Why such a deep desire to be in control? This bothers me. I don't know why, but it does. We also want our children to be born in wedlock so we would get married before thinking about that. We agreed on about 4 years. I guess this is part of why I'm not in a huge rush to get married. It sounds almost as if you're trying to calculate a time when it will be too late for her to change her mind.... You come across as being manipulative and it's not a pleasant trait to bring into a marriage. Tell her tonight you want to marry her, and when. And tell me now, what difference would it make, really - asking her tonight, as opposed to asking her in May? Apart from the venue, whats' the big deal?
Author jam1982 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Well, I meant as a counter proposal to what the others said. See, I'm a girl, but I don't think anyone should ever propose until they're ready to. I don't think there should be a deadline, and I don't think there should be ultimatums. By the same token, people should feel free to leave the relationship if they want to get married and it doesn't look like it's gonna happen. I wonder if it's insecurity in your girlfriend's case or just that she wants to see this move to the next level? Yeah, I guess I'm just not ready to do so right now. I don't want to give her a "deadline" because I feel like that's just putting some kind of condition on our relationship. I think she can be insecure sometimes, she has had some issues with in middle school and high school with being teased and made fun of. It hurt her self esteem a lot. I just feel like marriage is like this prize and it is making me feel more pressure. I wish she wasn't in such a hurry. So do you think I should tell her that I'm not ready to get engaged right now, but I will be? Isn't that essentially what I am telling her?
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 That's what you might be telling her, but what she's hearing is "I don't want to get engaged right now, and I may do in the future, but then again, maybe not - but I'd like you to hang around and see how I feel because it's nice to have a girl on my arm, and so I'm gonna keep you dangling because the arrangement we have right now suits me just fine, and the fact it bothers you is a complete anathema to me, but hey! I'll get over it. faster than you will, apparently Now shut up and stop bothering me. I'm here and you should at least be grateful for that". ...Is what she hears. And tough luck if that's not what you mean. It's WHAT SHE BELIEVES YOU MEAN. And the only thing - THE ONLY THING - that will change that, is a fixed and determinate proposal, with a ring, and a date.
Geraltt Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 And tough luck if that's not what you mean. It's WHAT SHE BELIEVES YOU MEAN. And the only thing - THE ONLY THING - that will change that, is a fixed and determinate proposal, with a ring, and a date. Which is exactly why the OP shouldn't propose. Jam1982, you can bet your last dollar that if she's this insistent about pushing you into something you're not sure about now, it will get even worse after you're married. You can count on it as sure as you can count on the sun rising tomorrow.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 yes, but 3 years is a long time to be dangling someone over the edge with 'maybes'..... Men don't get it. Dames are hormonal creatures, and if you guys can't deal with our bodyclocks and feminine urges, maybe you shouldn't make promises you have no intention of keeping. Anytime soon. You guys really do need to talk this through.
Geraltt Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Dames are hormonal creatures, and if you guys can't deal with our bodyclocks and feminine urges...And men think differently. Not better. Not worse. Just different. If women can't manage to deal with the way men think about things... You guys really do need to talk this through.To that, I 100% agree.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Geraltt, I was being tongue in cheek.... For a couple thinking about marriage, there is a serious breakdown in communication. Permit me to add something I have said quite often: A relationship has 5 requirements - 100% followed elements: Trust, Respect, Communication, Effort and Commitment. if any one of these 5 - any one - is tottering and looking uncertain, the others are in jeopardy. All of them. jam1982, I hate to say it, but a couple of those look as if they are sadly and seriously deficient.
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Are you sure you are not LB's boyfriend? lol Who is that, you are the 2nd person to say that?
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Wow lots of comments. She has already told me she questions whether or not I want to marry her. I have told her a million times that I do!!!! I want to propose to her, but I don't want to tell her when. I've flat out freakin told her I am going to propose, so I'm not sure what else she wants me to do. Give her a date?
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 yes, but 3 years is a long time to be dangling someone over the edge with 'maybes'..... Men don't get it. Dames are hormonal creatures, and if you guys can't deal with our bodyclocks and feminine urges, maybe you shouldn't make promises you have no intention of keeping. Anytime soon. You guys really do need to talk this through. Okay..what should I say? That I am not going to propose now, but in May? That will kill the whole thing! Should I tell her that I am not ready to propose right now, but I will be in the future? Isn't that what I have been telling her all along? You girls all sound like my GF. lol
PrincessPeach Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You can't just keep saying you are going to do something. Actions speak louder than words and your words of wanting to marry her are speaking less and less loudly. Obviously if you aren't ready to propose now don't do it (and you don't have to marry immediately after proposing). But don't fault her if she is ready and starts to think that you might never propose to her and then run off to find someone else. She has communicated to you what she wants, and though you've told her you want the same, yet you haven't acted upon that yet. You place of proposal doesn't have to be perfectly planned and romantic. It will be a special time and place no matter where or when you do it because the two of you will be able to share it together. Do you have an engagement ring picked out yet? Do you know her ring size? (If you don't know her ring size, then you should definitely ask her because it will both buy you time and credibility)
Author jam1982 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 You can't just keep saying you are going to do something. Actions speak louder than words and your words of wanting to marry her are speaking less and less loudly. Obviously if you aren't ready to propose now don't do it (and you don't have to marry immediately after proposing). But don't fault her if she is ready and starts to think that you might never propose to her and then run off to find someone else. She has communicated to you what she wants, and though you've told her you want the same, yet you haven't acted upon that yet. You place of proposal doesn't have to be perfectly planned and romantic. It will be a special time and place no matter where or when you do it because the two of you will be able to share it together. Do you have an engagement ring picked out yet? Do you know her ring size? (If you don't know her ring size, then you should definitely ask her because it will both buy you time and credibility) I have looked at engagement rings, yes. I already know her ring size, I've gotten her taste in jewelry as well. I haven't completely picked one out but I have an idea. So telling her I was going to propose and had a date picked out was wrong I'm gathering? I would think that would reassure her that I am thinking about a proposal and am going to do it.
bean1 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 If I was her, I would be considering whether or not to end the relationship. This whole "May" business just sounds like you are stalling for time (and I wouldn't believe for a second that it would actually happen when that time came). I think she is starting to see it that way too. A lot of women think "if he won't marry me, he doesn't really love me". Whether that's true or not (and many would argue it's NOT), it is still how a lot of us think. She is re-evaluating.
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