To all Couples: Do you take individual vacations?

[quankanne]

I couldn't imagine being married to someone who would be ok with that.

 

TBH, I never really considered that until the issue came up, and he offered me an out, which I really appreciated. And after the first few times of dragging him down to my hometown, I told him that he wasn't obliged to come with me when I went home or to visit friends. So far, it's worked out well.

 

something someone else posted, about funding these trips? I pay my own way when I go visit friends or family, and he does the same for his jaunts; if we do something together, it's a jointly funded trip, like when we go to Florida next month. Now, if one of us knows that the other could use a bit of mad money for our trips, and offers it freely, that's cool, too.

 

I don't get the whole "you can't do that" mindset, but like I said before, I never really considered the issue of separate vacations until the issue came up about him not wanting to be dragged home or me wanting to spend a weekend with him and his buddies.

 

however, I DO agree that you've both got to be on the same page for it to work, be they separate vacations or going together on vacation ...

[Touche]

One doesn't have to have a prenup in order to not get screwed. Just be careful about who you get involved with. And do what you feel is right.

 

Just giving the "other side" here.

 

And Sands, you say you were so sure about her but I really think that sep. vacations things was a red flag for you early on. But of course, in the throes of love, you think you can work it out..that it's no big deal.

 

But that's why I was saying that her wanting sep. vacations was a window into her mentality regarding marriage. It was a different mentality than yours.

 

Sands, it's true what you said about selfishness. A marriage can't survive if one or both parties is selfish. I mean we ALL can be some of the time, but if we can acknowledge when we have been and rectify it and do better, we have a chance. But if we don't take responsibility for those times when we are, it can never work.

 

You say everyone was shocked about her but do you think you maybe had a few little "signs" that she could be this way..signs that you might have just written off or ignored when you first saw them?

 

You can learn from this and find the right person for you now.

[Touche]

I don't get the whole "you can't do that" mindset,

 

That's just it though..if you're on the same page about this then there's no issue regarding "you can't do that."

 

however, I DO agree that you've both got to be on the same page for it to work, be they separate vacations or going together on vacation ...

 

That's exactly it! The more you agree on things, the less conflict there is down the line. That's why I keep saying over and over like a broken record that all of this stuff should be discussed BEFORE marriage, not after.

 

People are usually not wishy/washy on this whole vacation issue.They either subscribe to it and think it's fine, even required, or they are just not "believers" in it.

[Sands_of_time]

One doesn't have to have a prenup in order to not get screwed. Just be careful about who you get involved with. And do what you feel is right.

 

Just giving the "other side" here.

 

And Sands, you say you were so sure about her but I really think that sep. vacations things was a red flag for you early on. But of course, in the throes of love, you think you can work it out..that it's no big deal.

 

But that's why I was saying that her wanting sep. vacations was a window into her mentality regarding marriage. It was a different mentality than yours.

 

Sands, it's true what you said about selfishness. A marriage can't survive if one or both parties is selfish. I mean we ALL can be some of the time, but if we can acknowledge when we have been and rectify it and do better, we have a chance. But if we don't take responsibility for those times when we are, it can never work.

 

You say everyone was shocked about her but do you think you maybe had a few little "signs" that she could be this way..signs that you might have just written off or ignored when you first saw them?

 

You can learn from this and find the right person for you now.

 

Yes...Play the other side, Touche...it forces us to look into dark corners that we sometimes don't want to, but in the end, that's where growth comes from. It's appreciated.

 

With the separate vacations thing I had no idea that would be a red flag. maybe I am naive when it comes to that? Honestly. I've never had to deal with that before. It's kind of like seeing a rattlesnake for the first time. If you've never seen one or heard one you wouldn't know it's trouble until you get bit. I must have thought I could tame it but then got bit. Next time I will run like h*ll.

 

To be 100% honest I NEVER thought she would cheat. That was one of the things I specifically looked for in a significant other (this is why my counselor said my people picker needs fine tuning, I believe). In fact, that's what we used to say to each other...."I love your insides." Even though we had disagreements I NEVER in a zillion years thought about her having an affair. But after going through this experience I've learned that it can happen to anyone, any couple, any time.

 

The friends she hangs out with are good people (well, most of them). I liked them and respected them and vice versa.

[Touche]

Thanks, Sands. You seem like nice man.

 

You made me laugh with the rattlesnake bit.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you've gown from this and your "people picker" will be honed as a result.

[Sands_of_time]

I couldn't imagine being married to someone who would be ok with that.

 

TBH, I never really considered that until the issue came up, and he offered me an out, which I really appreciated. And after the first few times of dragging him down to my hometown, I told him that he wasn't obliged to come with me when I went home or to visit friends. So far, it's worked out well.

 

something someone else posted, about funding these trips? I pay my own way when I go visit friends or family, and he does the same for his jaunts; if we do something together, it's a jointly funded trip, like when we go to Florida next month. Now, if one of us knows that the other could use a bit of mad money for our trips, and offers it freely, that's cool, too.

 

I don't get the whole "you can't do that" mindset, but like I said before, I never really considered the issue of separate vacations until the issue came up about him not wanting to be dragged home or me wanting to spend a weekend with him and his buddies.

 

however, I DO agree that you've both got to be on the same page for it to work, be they separate vacations or going together on vacation ...

 

Right on Quan. If you don't want to go on vacation with someone then by all means let them go and have fun! No one should ever be forced to go where they don't want to go.

[Sands_of_time]

It's not over until the fat lady sings. Let's hope that for your sake, things will work out. Promise me though. Next time, get a prenup, okay?

 

I don't want to see another person who's capable of keeping it in their pants, screwed again.

 

That's my agenda!

 

Duly noted, Trial. I've thought about a pre-nup before. It "feels" like a deal killer to even bring it up to someone. However, a divorce stings like a son of a b*tch, too. Either way it's a tough call.

[Trialbyfire]

Duly noted, Trial. I've thought about a pre-nup before. It "feels" like a deal killer to even bring it up to someone. However, a divorce stings like a son of a b*tch, too. Either way it's a tough call.

Sands, there's not one single person alive who's capable of gauging a cheater v. a non-cheater. Just because someone isn't aware they've been cheated on in the past, doesn't mean they haven't been or aren't currently being cheated on. And, unless you spend 24/7 with someone, for every second of the day, a cheater will find a way, whether it's via internet (EA) or in a situation of a physical affair, a trip to the store.

 

All you can do is cover your bases and then give a loved one emotional latitude. They're either going to make it or break it.

 

It's a no lose situation to insist on a prenup. Anyone who's unwilling to sign one, is the type of person speaking with their eyes on your wallet. Sure, maybe they do love you but that's not all they love.