To all Couples: Do you take individual vacations?

[Sands_of_time]

so it is not really an issue with taking seperate vacation but an issue with money.

 

I agree with you if you only take vacation every other year and are on a tight budget it should be something you both like.

 

BTW 5k sounds high for south Beach. It is costing my husband and I less than that to go to St. Vincent,

 

How we do it is we do 1 bigger vacation a year than we go camping or somehing cheaper. And I occasionally do a 4 day vacation with my friends or a week but these are always under $500.

 

Good point. To clarify: I said $5K because I HATE going on vacation only to have to watch my pennies. I want to be able to buy a $10 souped up, extra large cocktail with an extra long straw or go spend $400 on a horseback trip and not worry about it--to me, that's half the fun of going on vacation is to not worry about the $$)!

 

So, if she wanted to spend $5K on a Gold Plated razor for shaving her legs I just might feel the same? That's probably true. So, when the next $5K gets saved then do I keep it for myself and go buy a motorcycle?

 

I feel like it then becomes tit for tat. You get this, I get that, you get this mentality. I'd rather it be, WE get this, and WE get that when it comes to those large, expensive things.

[Sands_of_time]

I agree that this is more about money than separate vacations.

 

Out of curiosity, who generates the most income, on a percentile basis?

 

I generate about 65% of the income.

[Trialbyfire]

I generate about 65% of the income.

Then she's being selfish. Here's a possible solution to stop her selfishness:

1. Maintain individual bank accounts.
   
2. Split the bills evenly.
   
3. Each of you puts an equal amount of money into a retirement account and a separate joint investment account which is tied up into CDs, which require joint signatures to release any monies.
   

Any remaining monies in both your individual bank accounts can be used by each individual, without censor from each other. If she can afford that vacation by herself, that's her call. This way, you need to cosign release of joint funds for vacations...together!

[Touche]

I don't think it matters who generates how much money myself. When you're married it shouldn't be about "score-keeping," it should be about what's right for both of you as a couple.

 

For what it's worth I think she's wrong in this. You said you both like doing the same things..why she'd want to go off without you is suspect to me.

 

And I hope I'm not out of line but you said you have no reason to distrust her but a quick look back at your past posts revealed that your wife has cheated on you. If that's the case, I'd be highly suspect about this South Beach getaway of hers.

[clv0116]

I don't think it matters who generates how much money myself. When you're married it shouldn't be about "score-keeping," it should be about what's right for both of you as a couple.

 

I agree - the previous advice looked like step 1 in a how to get divorced guide.

[Trialbyfire]

She's also a cheater? Better get your funds separated, before she uses them to subsidize her other pursuits. In tying up joint funds so that it requires joint signatures, will prevent her from draining you financially dry if she decides to bolt. Also, you will have full control of your own bank account too.

 

She's sounding more and more selfish each minute!

[Touche]

I agree - the previous advice looked like step 1 in a how to get divorced guide.

 

I have to agree. But different things work for differnent couples. Personally I don't get the whole separate bank account/separate vacation thing.

 

And it's funny you said that about step 1 in a how to get divorced guide because that's exactly the first thing I did when I knew my ex and I were going to separate and divorce. I started banking my paychecks in my own account.

 

Anywho, back to the OP. I'm even more confused now because I read a little more of his past posts and he's getting divorced. His wife just got the last of her stuff just a couple of days ago and they don't live together.

 

I'm confused.

 

Well whatever the case may be, I still think it's suspect for a spouse to take a vacation like that alone. Why not just stay single? I don't see the point.

 

If you'd rather spend time with your buddies on vacation than with your own spouse you have to wonder a little bit about the state of the marriage.

[Sands_of_time]

I have to agree. But different things work for differnent couples. Personally I don't get the whole separate bank account/separate vacation thing.

 

And it's funny you said that about step 1 in a how to get divorced guide because that's exactly the first thing I did when I knew my ex and I were going to separate and divorce. I started banking my paychecks in my own account.

 

Anywho, back to the OP. I'm even more confused now because I read a little more of his past posts and he's getting divorced. His wife just got the last of her stuff just a couple of days ago and they don't live together.

 

I'm confused.

 

Well whatever the case may be, I still think it's suspect for a spouse to take a vacation like that alone. Why not just stay single? I don't see the point.

 

If you'd rather spend time with your buddies on vacation than with your own spouse you have to wonder a little bit about the state of the marriage.

 

EXACTLY!

 

Let me clarify--I didn't mention all the other stuff going on about her cheating and getting divorced as I didn't want to taint the original question. I believe my STBXW is quite selfish in a lot of ways and the vacation thing is one of them that we struggled with (sounds so eff'd up now that I re-read that. How do you fight over a VACATION?). I just wanted to see if I was off base because if I was I didn't want to repeat it in the future.

 

Yes--she did come and get the last of her belongings this weekend. And I was gaslit, yet again, when I saw her. Still unbelievable that she cheats and I get gas lit (but another story for another thread)! That was one of the things she is/was holding over my head and pointing the finger at me for. I'm not a fit husband because I "wouldn't let" her take separate vacations to South Beach with her girls.

 

I just found it selfish to spend that much money and going to South Beach like an 18 year Spring Breaker WITHOUT your significant other. Especially when it only comes around every couple years. She has one other girlfriend who is married and from what I understand her husband doesn't mind so I should be the same as him.

 

Again..if my view on this is skewed by all means call it out.

[hotgurl]

EXACTLY!

 

Let me clarify--I didn't mention all the other stuff going on about her cheating and getting divorced as I didn't want to taint the original question. I believe my STBXW is quite selfish in a lot of ways and the vacation thing is one of them that we struggled with (sounds so eff'd up now that I re-read that. How do you fight over a VACATION?). I just wanted to see if I was off base because if I was I didn't want to repeat it in the future.

 

Yes--she did come and get the last of her belongings this weekend. And I was gaslit, yet again, when I saw her. Still unbelievable that she cheats and I get gas lit (but another story for another thread)! That was one of the things she is/was holding over my head and pointing the finger at me for. I'm not a fit husband because I "wouldn't let" her take separate vacations to South Beach with her girls.

 

I just found it selfish to spend that much money and going to South Beach like an 18 year Spring Breaker WITHOUT your significant other. Especially when it only comes around every couple years. She has one other girlfriend who is married and from what I understand her husband doesn't mind so I should be the same as him.

 

Again..if my view on this is skewed by all means call it out.

 

no you are perfectly right to not be thrilled by that behavior.

[Touche]

Oh no. Not at ALL. And trust me, those who know me on here, know that I'd call you out if I thought you were in the wrong.

 

Bottom line is that she's not ready for marriage. She wants the benefits of marriage while living like she's single. It's immature and ridiculous. I'm glad you didn't have kids with her.

 

Your views on this are not skewed AT ALL! Some of my H's and I's favorite times are when we're on vacation and we wouldn't change that for the world.

 

Obviously, you were never on the same page. These are things couples should talk about BEFORE they get married. Don't ever a marry a woman who believes in separate vacations if you're not of that mind. It usually means you're not of the same mind about a lot of other things if I had to guess.

 

Anyway, thanks for clearing that up..not that you had to, but no. You're right in this. Just let her go. She wasn't a keeper. And it speaks volumes about her character that she can't at least take responsibility for what she did wrong but insists on pointing the finger at you.

 

What an immature brat!

[Trialbyfire]

Sands of time, if you ever get married again, don't let someone take advantage of you/drain you emotionally or financially. Keep your assets separate.

 

If someone insists on combining assets, you can bet it will be to their advantage. Also, get a prenup signed.

[Touche]

Well some of us don't really agree with the "separate assets" thing.

 

Funny but I wanted to do that when I married the second time. H was deadset against it. He's old-fashioned...you're either all in or you're all out. I agreed in the end.

 

It's not all about the money for some people. It's more a state of mind. A "what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours" mentality. You're joining two lives, etc. For my H it showed that we were both really invested in all the important ways.

 

Just wanted to give a different perspective on this particular issue.

 

It's worked for us for 14 years..no regrets.

 

Anyway, to my mind that whole money issue (separate accounts vs. joint) is not the most important issue. The issue is picking the RIGHT person. Someone with whom you're really compatible and can share a life. If you do that, the sep./joint account question would never even BE an issue.

[carhill]

If someone insists on combining assets, you can bet it will be to their advantage. Also, get a prenup signed.

 

Yep, daddy taught me well. I was too trusting for the prenup and was chided for that by our MC.

 

On-topic, during our marriage, we've taken single and couple vacations. My wife tends to travel more alone, as she has girlfriends spread all over the world. I'm more of a homebody but like spending short amounts of time in new places. We shared expenses on couple's vacations and each paid for our own vacations/trips.

[Sands_of_time]

Oh no. Not at ALL. And trust me, those who know me on here, know that I'd call you out if I thought you were in the wrong.

 

Bottom line is that she's not ready for marriage. She wants the benefits of marriage while living like she's single. It's immature and ridiculous. I'm glad you didn't have kids with her.

 

Your views on this are not skewed AT ALL! Some of my H's and I's favorite times are when we're on vacation and we wouldn't change that for the world.

 

Obviously, you were never on the same page. These are things couples should talk about BEFORE they get married. Don't ever a marry a woman who believes in separate vacations if you're not of that mind. It usually means you're not of the same mind about a lot of other things if I had to guess.

 

Anyway, thanks for clearing that up..not that you had to, but no. You're right in this. Just let her go. She wasn't a keeper. And it speaks volumes about her character that she can't at least take responsibility for what she did wrong but insists on pointing the finger at you.

 

What an immature brat!

 

Thanks for keeping it straight, Touche. That's how I feel as well. We got in a HUGE fight early on in the relationship about the individual vacation thing. Reading a couple of other posts it looks like other couples have/had the same issue/argument.

 

I didn't think it was a deal breaker though. I've always thought that if my spouse is uncomfortable with something that I'm doing I will work to minimize the negative feelings that the behavior is causing and even modify my own behavior because there is now two of us, not one (unless it's a crazy, out of this world request).

[Touche]

It's either selfishness or there wasn't enough love there to put OUR needs before hers.

 

Yes. But it's not just about love. It's having the maturity also to put the needs of both together as a couple before individual needs.

 

I don't know, for me personally, I couldn't imagine being married to someone where we didn't see eye to eye on this issue from the get go...which is why I married a man who didn't subscribe to the notion of separate vacations while married. It speaks to more than just the vacation to me. I couldn't imagine being married to someone who would be ok with that.

 

Many things in a marriage are negotiable. Some things aren't. Like I've said it's up to each couple to decide for themselves which things are negotiable and which aren't.

[Trialbyfire]

Yep, daddy taught me well. I was too trusting for the prenup and was chided for that by our MC.

My parents taught me well too. Nothing is guaranteed in life. If you have financial independence, you'll always have the freedom to walk away from negative or abusive behaviours. If you're all tied in, lock, stock and barrel, where you have much to lose, expect that you're going to get it up the wazoo, if it doesn't work out.

 

The good thing, Sands, is that she's working. Hopefully, you won't get tied into alimony of any kind. I don't know if you have children so custody issues and support are in question.

[Sands_of_time]

Sands of time, if you ever get married again, don't let someone take advantage of you/drain you emotionally or financially. Keep your assets separate.

 

If someone insists on combining assets, you can bet it will be to their advantage. Also, get a prenup signed.

 

Trial and Touche - I see there are two competing ideas on this. I think you must do what you are comfortable with.

 

I was burned financially in a previous relationship where we had a joint account. There was about $2K in the joint account and she wiped it out before I even knew what happened. She said she'd pay it back...haha, jokes on me!

 

I saw a counselor after separating with my wife and he said..."buddy, your a good man but your people picker needs some fine tuning."

 

So in my marriage we had separate checking accounts. Even though I made more money it didn't matter to me. Since I made 65% of the money I paid 65% of the bills. We both had identical amounts of "fun money" after all the bills were paid.

 

It's all in what you are comfortable with. Touche--I think you said you have joint accounts and that works for you and your spouse. To me, that it AWESOME that you can do that together.

[clv0116]

.... Also, get a prenup signed.

 

This I'm down with 100%, in my view the legal contract that hitches a ride with marriage is incredibly anti-romantic and a good prenup will at least neuter it a bit.

[Touche]

Thanks, Sands:)

 

You know, my momma taught me well too. She taught me how to pick a good man. Both my dad and my stepdad were the BEST. Pick the right person and there's no need for separate anythings.

 

I don't put down those who have different ideas though. It's just not for me/us. I mean we're MARRIED...we're not roommates.

 

And even though my first marriage didn't work out and we had joint accounts, I didn't get screwed. I just started banking my paychecks at the time I decided we were over. I told him I was doing it too. He couldn't stop me. If I wanted to, I could have also just taken half out of the joint accounts. I chose not to though.

 

I guess everyone has a different way of protecting themselves. I've never been financially screwed by anyone.

[Trialbyfire]

Sands, you have a romantic ideal about marriage/relationships, that has already amounted to you getting screwed twice. What will it take to make you understand that when things start to fall apart, romantic ideal doesn't hold up?

 

I'm always on the side of the betrayed spouse. It's happened to me too.

 

Protect yourself or one day, you're going to get screwed so badly, the last two warning episodes of pain, will seem like nothing on this Earth.

 

It's about balance. You can still go into the next relationship with romantic ideal. Just keep your finances protected from the weak and selfish. That's my point in all of this.

[Trialbyfire]

This I'm down with 100%, in my view the legal contract that hitches a ride with marriage is incredibly anti-romantic and a good prenup will at least neuter it a bit.

Pragmatism should always trump romantic ideal. It's like Amex. Don't leave home without it.

[Touche]

And I think it's fine to keep your romantic ideals if you're also SMART about who you decide to choose as your mate. The two notions aren't mutually exclusive you know. Don't hook up with someone of low character and none of this stuff about bank accounts will matter one way or the other.

[Sands_of_time]

Sands, you have a romantic ideal about marriage/relationships, that has already amounted to you getting screwed twice. What will it take to make you understand that when things start to fall apart, romantic ideal doesn't hold up?

 

I'm always on the side of the betrayed spouse. It's happened to me too.

 

Protect yourself or one day, you're going to get screwed so badly, the last two warning episodes of pain, will seem like nothing on this Earth.

 

It's about balance. You can still go into the next relationship with romantic ideal. Just keep your finances protected from the weak and selfish. That's my point in all of this.

 

I feel you Trial. That's exactly why I did what I did with the separate checking accounts after getting burned once. She wanted to do joint checking in the begiinning but I didn't falter on that. And it worked out well too that our 401K's were almost identical in value.

 

In the divorce I won't be getting burned financially (praise the Lord). I owned the home prior to marriage. She cheated and her family is/was P*ssed at her (but still supporting her, nonetheless. Which is fine--that's what families do). Her mom is as fair as fair can be and I believe she is telling her daughter to walk away without causing any more drama than she already has. She still points the finger at me and gaslights me but whatever. I can't control the actions of another.

 

She hurt me emotionally, yes. But isn't taking me to the cleaners financially or isn't going after alimony.

[Trialbyfire]

I feel you Trial. That's exactly why I did what I did with the separate checking accounts after getting burned once. She wanted to do joint checking in the begiinning but I didn't falter on that. And it worked out well too that our 401K's were almost identical in value.

 

In the divorce I won't be getting burned financially (praise the Lord). I owned the home prior to marriage. She cheated and her family is/was P*ssed at her (but still supporting her, nonetheless. Which is fine--that's what families do). Her mom is as fair as fair can be and I believe she is telling her daughter to walk away without causing any more drama than she already has. She still points the finger at me and gaslights me but whatever. I can't control the actions of another.

 

She hurt me emotionally, yes. But isn't taking me to the cleaners financially or isn't going after alimony.

It's not over until the fat lady sings. Let's hope that for your sake, things will work out. Promise me though. Next time, get a prenup, okay?

 

I don't want to see another person who's capable of keeping it in their pants, screwed again.

 

That's my agenda!

[Sands_of_time]

And I think it's fine to keep your romantic ideals if you're also SMART about who you decide to choose as your mate. The two notions aren't mutually exclusive you know. Don't hook up with someone of low character and none of this stuff about bank accounts will matter one way or the other.

 

So true. I made a mistake being with my previous ex-girlfriend (the one prior to my wife). People around me were saying I was crazy to be with her. I knew it too. But with my wife I "thought" I hit the jackpot and so did everyone around me. My folks, my friends were shocked as sh*t when the cheating was exposed.

 

If marriage is a three legged stool and one of those legs is selfish, the stool falls over and the marriage never stood a chance.