Losing Hope

[RN32]

Hi, I'm new to the forums here. I'll try to make this short, but I tend to ramble sometimes (sorry in advance!).

 

H and I have been married almost 4 years, have known each other since we were kids. Our families are very close. He is very unhappy with his job and has been looking for a way out - had a new job opportunity fall through 2 years ago that hurt him badly. I myself just graduated in Dec from an intense 2nd degree nursing program - one of the most grueling things I have ever done - and managed to graduate top of my class. I start a new job in 2 weeks. We have neglected each other a lot these last months due to school and schedules (he works nights a lot). Something I was so looking forward to rectifying. On top of this, he wanted to move this past year halfway across the country while I was still in school. I supported him at first, thinking it was going to happen after graduation. But then the timeline moved up and the housing market went south and I couldn't handle the stress of not being able to sell our place without still owing $ on it or trying to find a renter and then living with my parents while he went off and I tried to graduate (BTW, nursing school is not a walk in the park). Anyway, I wanted to wait a year, just one year, and now with the economy there are no jobs where he wants to go for at least a few years. So he has lots of resentment about all of this. Says he still loves me but the love has changed (doesn't love always change & evolve in any marriage?) and doesn't know what to do. He moved out last week to stay with his parents - has no idea for how long.

 

At first I was optimistic, maybe some space would be good - he might realize how much he misses me, etc. Right before he moved I went to check something in his email (we've always had permission to go into each other's emails). He had changed the password, which made me suspicious. The night he left I was able to get into it through our main computer which had saved his password. I found an email from a female coworker who he hangs out w/from time to time. She is kind of a sad little thing and he tries to boost her self esteem - I was never bothered by their going out from time to time in the past and we've all gone out together, she's come over here, etc.

 

Anyway, the email makes me think he has had/is having an emotional affair. She talked about respecting his choices, having things in common, but she wants kids (he doesn't) and she doesn't want to move across the country, blah blah, so it wouldn't work. Ends with her saying she hopes they can still be friends, hang out, etc. Plus, he has been texting a lot more lately but has been deleting his inbox daily. I went online to our account and he has texted her almost 600 times in the past month! And her just as many back to him. WTF! We made an agreement that w/the separation there would be no dating, EAs or online stuff. I saw him the day after he moved to drop one of our dogs off and subtly confronted him - said I was worried people might try to take advantage of this situation, maybe someone like her who I think has had a crush on him for a while - he completely denied it. It's weird, he's a good guy, good morals, I know he's really lost right now but I was hoping he'd come around. Now, with all this, I'm not so sure. AND, now I noticed that he changed his password back - does he want me to find this email? Is it a trap so he can say I invaded his privacy so he can be more mad with me?

 

Sorry so long!! Needed to get that out - not sure who I feel comfortable sharing this w/as far as family/friends so it's been eating at me.

 

Thanks

[Ronni_W]

He is grasping at straws...as if his own self-esteem, self-confidence and inner peace lies halfway across the continent (or anywhere else besides within himself.) He needs a kick-start to get back into the game of life, is what I'm reading between the lines.

 

In your shoes, I would strongly urge him to join me in couples' counseling. That things between you have just not been going how YOU would like them to - not for him, not for you, and not as a couple. And. You recognize that his 2-year ago disappointment is still weighing heavy on his heart; that it is somewhat unusual to carry it that long, so perhaps he is at risk of depression, or losing his self-confidence, or growing angry and resentful.

But. In your eyes, he is as manly and spectacular as he has always been, still the same person you fell in love with and married, with the same wonderful qualities (list them all, and then some, if you can.)

And mention how you know life doesn't always go how we originally planned and intended, but this is the life that you two have right now, and it is a perfect time to get back on track.

 

 

Something like that. I suspect that he is already in some level of depression, and has already lost his own way (as you said)...which made this "sad little thing" seem all the more enticing because, around her, HE gets to be the "strong and wise" one, which seems to have been missing for him due to his own self-neglect and self-pity about that 2-years ago loss of opportunity.

But there's no need to tell him all of this, really.

 

As to whether or not to tell him about the emails -- that's your personal call. If I could repair my relationship without revealing that, I'd go that route first. NOT that you did anything under-handed, though. You both knew the other had access to the email account.

 

Sending hugs and best wishes for positive outcomes.

[RN32]

Ronni, I think you've hit the nail on the head with his self-esteem issues and depression. His depression was really bad last year and he even thought he was depressed so he started seeing a therapist. However, this therapist's MO seems to be "find someone else to blame for all of your problems" - he actually saw this therapist as a kid and the guy said all his problems were his mom's fault because she was going back to school. They switched my H to a diff therapist and it turned out he had ADD. I asked him if he talked to this guy about how to let go and move past resentment and he said he didn't really have any suggestions! So how come I can Google it and find tons of resources? I have started seeing my own therapist, at least to have an unbiased support (in addition to my very wonderful family and friends). He doesn't think he's depressed anymore, just angry. But anger can be a manifestation of depression and he has other symptoms like no libido, alcohol use (see below).

 

He doesn't want to do marriage counseling yet, feels like we have too much stuff of our own to work out first. I have by no means been perfect in this marriage and there are things I would like to change about myself, but how do we know anything has made a difference if we never come together? Says he's worried that things might get bad again (yes, marriages have ups and downs) and that we'd end up hating each other, which he can't bear the thought of. I told him that if we tried as hard as we could, did everything in our power and it didn't work out that I'd love him more for at least trying.

 

He also has a "slight" problem w/alcohol. Doesn't drink every day, just on his 2-3 days off. He will go through an entire bottle of vodka/tequila over those few days and doesn't think it's wrong because he can stop any time. He did stop for 6 months when he was training for that lost job opportunity (he's a cop). But I don't know how long his body will be able to keep up with it.

 

There's just SO much stuff going on for him - self-esteem, depression, resentment, alcohol --- I worry that he'll never be able to sort it all out and will lose me in the meantime. Some days he thinks this might take him a couple of years!

[Ronni_W]

There's just SO much stuff going on for him - self-esteem, depression, resentment, alcohol --- I worry that he'll never be able to sort it all out and will lose me in the meantime. Some days he thinks this might take him a couple of years!

Remind him that he means a couple MORE years -- he's already had two!

 

I Googled "overcoming disappointment". You may be able to adapt content at this link, < joyin.wordpress.com/2008/02/19/six-steps-for-overcoming-disappointment/ >, into something that he'll be receptive to.

Nothing jumped out at me at amazon.com -- unless he'd be open to 'Overcoming Life's Disappointments' by Harold Kushner. It uses biblical Moses's "never give up" attitude. (Maybe you'd want to read the customer reviews to help you decide if it's an appropriate resource.)

 

Another good resource is marriagebuilders.com, especially the 'emotional needs' and 'love busters' questionnaires, and articles related to those. Even if you don't hold much hope that he will read it or do the surveys, you may want to give him a copy, too.

 

 

I grow frustrated when I hear of incompetent therapists. Any chance you can encourage Hubby to change "just to see what other type of useful feedback he may get"? You could use analogy that not all fitness trainers are equal, neither are all surgeons...and neither are all therapists.

 

The deal is that, yes, our childhood caregivers do shape and influence the beliefs, attitudes, perceptions, dysfunctional coping skills, etc., which we use as adults. But other adults we meet in adulthood do not...they can trigger our childhood crap, but aren't the cause of our adult crap. We've got to take ownership of, and responsibility for our adult crap, and crappy habits & behaviours, and crappy ways of dealing with things.

 

That's fine if he prefers to think that he is "just angry." Suggest he attend an anger management course, instead of or as a complement to his therapy. (Doesn't really matter where he starts to get some real guidance and support.)

 

If I could encourage you to not minimize his drinking problem. Not within yourself, and not with him. There are different "types" of alcoholics. Ask him how he knows he can stop anytime -- is he just basing that on the fact that he did it 2 years ago (before suffering from depression, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, etc.)? What is his CURRENT-DAY evidence that he can stop anytime?

 

Good for you, for getting therapy for yourself. At the end of the day, it's all you can do -- take responsibility for what belongs to you, and leave the rest with him.

 

He certainly appears to be doing his best to ensure that you two end up "hating each other", does he not? Can he explain his behaviour in terms of what positive effects he hopes it will have on HIS marriage? In his mind, how is he 'growing' and/or maintaining the love? How does he think it is going to be harmful, if you're each in individual therapy AND ALSO doing joint couples' counseling?

 

Outside of himself and that lost job, what does he CURRENTLY value...what is important enough for him, current day, that he would be willing to fight to the death for? (External to him because when we're suffering depression and low self-esteem, it's difficult/impossible to 'connect' with our own, internal positive stuff.)

 

Have you perchance Googled "codependence" or "codependent relationships"? There are all sorts of on-line resources but you may be able to easier 'connect' with this one, as a start: < 2020parenting.com/articles/articles.php?idq=215&cat=52&pg=1 >.

 

You're in a tight spot. I get that part. Some things are just not in our control...<sigh>

Sending hugs.

[edgeof27]

RN32,

 

he's cheating

 

it's over, don't waste any more time,

 

move on,

 

find someone else, he has,

 

g...