edgeof27 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 How is it that someone can tell you over & again how much they love you......& continue to screw up. Same behaviors over & over...... And then apologize, say they are the one that is screwing things up......& then the circle starts all over again.....the very next week. I love you.....screw up......i'm sorry.......i love you........screw up.....i'm sorry. Might be different if the screw ups were silly little things, or different things. But they aren't - they are BIG screw ups. It's the SAME STORY DIFFEREND DAY? I guess I'm of the belief that if you screw up & you know it...You apologize & FIX IT & try hard to not do it again?? Am I wrong? Probably due to this behaviour being accepted initially, he believes that you will accept it as normal now....not, he will not change for the better, tell him it's over, time to move on, g....
Author stuckinoz Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 After his phone call yesterday - saying he wanted to talk..& sounding VERY sincere.....I read most of the day. About alcoholism, enabling & co-dependency. I have enabled him for years. I do know that. I have allowed him to think that his behaviors are acceptable & now that I'm the one that's "changing the rules" he's not happy about it. Our talk last night consisted of him starting out - not very sincere at all (& he had been to a bar & had "A Glass Of Wine" before he got to my place).......anyway he starts out......... "We need to get back together, apparently I can't be accountable by myself" He believes if we are together again his drinking, etc. won't happen. I reminded him that when I was living with him - these same behaviors were happening. It's exactly why I left. We will ALWAYS disagree on that. He "claims" he's fine....I say he's drunk...yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, I suggested AlAnon or even just a counselor - he poo-foo'd both ideas. He knows he needs help but his answer for now is........He's going to TRY to STOP drinking during the day. He thinks THAT'S the only problem. IF he could stop drinking during the day the problem is SOLVED. I also told him "don't expect me to let my guard down...I will help you but I can't DO IT for you" Since I did say I'd "help" ... for now I'm just sitting back & watching. We'll see how that goes in the next week or so. I'm 47 -not dreadfully old - & I'd like to go thru the rest of my life with someone that is not what HE is right now.
mark982 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 he's still making excuses.drunks will never admit it's their fault, you've done the right thing by staying away, but there seems to be a slight "crack" in his drinking defense.
2sunny Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 he could benefit from AA - the AlAnon is for YOU! check it out! it will give you your sanity back if you participate in the program.
TrustInYourself Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Addiction. Read up on it. Does he know there is an issue on his own? Stop trying to be a catalyst for him to change. It's a waste of time, energy and effort. You either choose to accept his behavior, or not. Decisions to change come from the individual who has to make the change. Not spectators. You are a spectator. Chill out and let him self-destruct or make a self-realization about his actions.
Author stuckinoz Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 mark - What do you mean a "crack" in his drinking defense? Trust - Yep You're right...& it's co-dependency. I realize that. It's taken me a solid year to realize a lot of this. Thanks all!
edgeof27 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 After his phone call yesterday - saying he wanted to talk..& sounding VERY sincere.....I read most of the day. About alcoholism, enabling & co-dependency. I have enabled him for years. I do know that. I have allowed him to think that his behaviors are acceptable & now that I'm the one that's "changing the rules" he's not happy about it. Our talk last night consisted of him starting out - not very sincere at all (& he had been to a bar & had "A Glass Of Wine" before he got to my place).......anyway he starts out......... "We need to get back together, apparently I can't be accountable by myself" He believes if we are together again his drinking, etc. won't happen. I reminded him that when I was living with him - these same behaviors were happening. It's exactly why I left. We will ALWAYS disagree on that. He "claims" he's fine....I say he's drunk...yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, I suggested AlAnon or even just a counselor - he poo-foo'd both ideas. He knows he needs help but his answer for now is........He's going to TRY to STOP drinking during the day. He thinks THAT'S the only problem. IF he could stop drinking during the day the problem is SOLVED. I also told him "don't expect me to let my guard down...I will help you but I can't DO IT for you" Since I did say I'd "help" ... for now I'm just sitting back & watching. We'll see how that goes in the next week or so. I'm 47 -not dreadfully old - & I'd like to go thru the rest of my life with someone that is not what HE is right now. Dear Stuck in Oz, please read my previous post,.... again, get out, he will not change, ps, dont argue with a drunk about drinking when thay have had "a glass of wine" at the bar, a "glass of wine at the bar", normally = 4 Beers, 2 Whiskey's, &, 1 Ceaser, (no ice pleash......), on an empty stomach....... for both of your sakes, end it now, g....
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