stuckinoz Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 How is it that someone can tell you over & again how much they love you......& continue to screw up. Same behaviors over & over...... And then apologize, say they are the one that is screwing things up......& then the circle starts all over again.....the very next week. I love you.....screw up......i'm sorry.......i love you........screw up.....i'm sorry. Might be different if the screw ups were silly little things, or different things. But they aren't - they are BIG screw ups. It's the SAME STORY DIFFEREND DAY? I guess I'm of the belief that if you screw up & you know it...You apologize & FIX IT & try hard to not do it again?? Am I wrong?
westrock Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 they are BIG screw ups. Give us an example. One person's BIG screw up may just be a minor inconvenience to others.
climbergirl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 If your username refers to what I think it does....that tells you everything. If not, then they are just placating for the next round. They aren't really sorry.
Author stuckinoz Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Brief Overview: H & I separated. He drinks too much! That was why I left. Since then new issues have come to light - He spends too much money (we may lose our house) & flirts more than any husband should. Example: We talk every evening when we don't have dinner together. At least once or twice during a week he will call me & he will be TRASHED. Happens a LOT on Monday evenings. Last evening the phone call came at 5 & he said he was at home & I could barely understand him he was slurring his words so badly. He called a few times later in the evening & seemed to be "recovering"!! (He likes to use the excuse that he's just tired) Normally I just get pissed the next day & he will give me the .... "What, Oh that....yeah I'm sorry but I was really tired"....Well today I had a major melt down (over that & some other things in my life) & honestly could not even talk to him I was so upset. I think that he has hit if not the last nerve, real close to it. He then called me & said " I know it's my fault, you're doing everything you can to make this work but I'm screwing it up." We are supposed to be working towards getting back together!!!!
Edna07 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 It's because they don't "get it". Same thing happened w/my husband. I lose it because he's yelling/controlling. He says he's sorry "I just had a bad week." Then the next day, he does it again. "OH sorry, I had a bad day at work." It's unnerving.
Enema Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Your words say one thing, but your behaviour tells him it's ok.
HappyAgain Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 They continue this pattern because you forgive them too easily. He's learned that all he needs to say is "I'm sorry" and you forgive him. Although you aren't aware of it, you are enabling this behaviour on his part.
2sunny Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 he does this because he's sick. he's an alcoholic who is active in his disease. this scenario is very predictable and the outcome is inevitable unless he is willing to get help. good luck. it's hard to make it stop once you reach a certain point of drinking. it's possible to recover though.
Author stuckinoz Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 I knew I was enabling him years ago with the drinking - guess I never thought that I was with this behavior. But it makes sense. The thing is.......when I do say "I'm done...." & walk away - he makes ME feel like crap & that it's all my fault. (for instance any time we have an arguement I can pretty much guarantee that he will be drunk by 5pm) And, then I feel the guilt. Shouldn't.......but I do. I know I forgive too easily - I want my family back together. Doesn't look very promising though.
2sunny Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 there is nothing YOU can do! it is completely up to HIM. he needs help and until he's willing to get the help he needs - he will continue to make it your fault. you could benefit a lot from an al-anon meeting. if you are willing to go - then at least read the book Co-Dependent No More. set a boundary and stick to it - a healthy boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe. it will get worse before it gets better... sorry to say that, i've been him before... it's not pretty - but he can't help it until he learns how to live sober.
Author stuckinoz Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 2sunny....if you don't mind my asking - What turned you around? I'm afraid that devistation beyond what I can comprehend is what it's going to take for him to stop.
Edna07 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I do also agree that this behavior occurs because we forgive too easily. By us forgiving so quickly, they know they can continue to do it and not have to deal with any consequences. I think the only way he would stop and get help is if something shook him to the core (ie. losing his family).
2sunny Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 2sunny....if you don't mind my asking - What turned you around? I'm afraid that devistation beyond what I can comprehend is what it's going to take for him to stop. i nearly died... that's what turned me around. actually, i still couldn't stop the drinking at that point either. i got out of the hospital and drank again, straight away. that is when my family approach with an intervention and i went to rehab. best thing that ever happened... last thing i wanted at the time. i was obsessed with having the alcohol even while i knew it was killing me.i just didn't know how to make it stop. it is insanity at its highest level.
Author stuckinoz Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 edna - That's what I thought .... if I moved out it'd fix everything. Well I was wrong. It escelated. Then it got better & we tried again. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round. I did move home for a few months & it never got much better, but I stuck it out....hung in there...Hoping!!! sunny - Thanks for sharing. I wish I had family to go to that I knew he would listen to. If I go to his side - he may lose his job. Hell, he will lose his job if he gets a DUI. His brother (who owns the company) I know won't stand for that. It's been a tough day. I am dreading 5:00. Because I know he will call & I'm not sure what condition he'll be in. Terrifies me. But those of you who are separated out there.......also understand this side of the coin.............The Fear Of Being Alone - which is better - THIS or being alone?
2sunny Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 edna - That's what I thought .... if I moved out it'd fix everything. Well I was wrong. It escelated. Then it got better & we tried again. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round. I did move home for a few months & it never got much better, but I stuck it out....hung in there...Hoping!!! sunny - Thanks for sharing. I wish I had family to go to that I knew he would listen to. If I go to his side - he may lose his job. Hell, he will lose his job if he gets a DUI. His brother (who owns the company) I know won't stand for that. It's been a tough day. I am dreading 5:00. Because I know he will call & I'm not sure what condition he'll be in. Terrifies me. But those of you who are separated out there.......also understand this side of the coin.............The Fear Of Being Alone - which is better - THIS or being alone? there's nothing wrong with being alone. just because you're alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely... big difference. and you're worried about him losing his job??? that's the least of your worries - maybe you should consider that he will lose his life! job, dui???? ahahahaha not funny - i know, just the reality of it is almost unbelievable. he will die from this if he continues... nothing funny about that. he is the only one who can change any of it.
2sunny Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 what does he drink and how much does he tell you he drinks? does he do any drugs as well?
HappyAgain Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 edna - That's what I thought .... if I moved out it'd fix everything. Well I was wrong. It escelated. Then it got better & we tried again. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round. I did move home for a few months & it never got much better, but I stuck it out....hung in there...Hoping!!! sunny - Thanks for sharing. I wish I had family to go to that I knew he would listen to. If I go to his side - he may lose his job. Hell, he will lose his job if he gets a DUI. His brother (who owns the company) I know won't stand for that. It's been a tough day. I am dreading 5:00. Because I know he will call & I'm not sure what condition he'll be in. Terrifies me. But those of you who are separated out there.......also understand this side of the coin.............The Fear Of Being Alone - which is better - THIS or being alone? Have you thought that maybe this has to be the end of the relationship? He needs to get help and until he is ready you have to think about yourself.
Author stuckinoz Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 No drugs. I've seen him drink as much as just one or 2 beers or a few glasses of wine when we're out.....to 6 beers, 2 straight vodka's & 5 shots....in a 4 hour Saturday afternoon.
2sunny Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 any back round on your relationship? how long married, kids? do you live in the US? does he have insurance - and would it cover rehab?
Author stuckinoz Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Background - married 29 years - separated for 1. 2 grown kids. They understand & know why I left - but they are like their father - don't want to be confrontational. Another example - Last evening he asked me to have dinner. I was skeptical....but went anyway. He was so drunk by the time I arrived he didn't hardly speak to me & looked as if he were falling asleep in the chair. I told him I couldn't do it - look at yourself......he said "fine just leave" so I did. We did talk briefly later (I knew I couldn't sleep unless I knew he made it home) Yes, he does drive drunk a lot. The few stories I know of would probably set some of you into a rage. But like most drunks he thinks he's fine. Oh - & a P.S. To all of this.....He believes what happened yesterday, is in the past. It was yesterday, don't dwell on it, just move on, today is a new day. (in other words - No apologies are ever necessary, (remember, sometimes I have to BEG for one) we slept, new day - get over it - he has said this in counseling too - the counselor said NOTHING to him about this comment either!!) SO - IF I get the standard apology................Any advice?
Author stuckinoz Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I know I'm double posting here - BUT I did just receive the "dreaded" phone call. He said he has never in his life been more afraid to call me than he was this morning.....& that last night, even by his standards was inexcusable. He said he needs help & wants to talk to me tonight. (he has NEVER been the one to initiate ANY conversation) SO - i'll keep ya posted. Maybe .......I will (afterall) begin to "understand this behavior"
2sunny Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 that is usually the phone call you SHOULD want. self admission - very useful, if he acts upon it and gets help. i would set healthy boundaries for yourself and stick to them. this could include no speaking to him or seeing him until he gets help. sometimes even a nasty or bad reaction is enough for the drinker to pretend things are ok. as long as you are paying attention to him in some way - his mind still thinks it's ok. if he's still comfortable enough - he'll continue to drink... he needs to be made UNCOMFORTABLE. this is a great motivator to change things. don't expect an apology - he might not be capable of that. just listen to what he has to say when you meet and encourage the help. he's the only one who can change this... he has to be willing. keep us posted. big hugs.
Author stuckinoz Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Sorry......I didn't mean I dreaded THAT particular call. I meant I dreaded him calling with the same old song & dance. This particular phone call I have been waiting on for a very long time. I just hope I can find the right words to say. I'm not getting my hopes up. I've done that so many times & had them shattered.
2sunny Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 just do the complete opposite of what you normally do! that alone causes change - which is what you are going for. if you don't give him the same response as he's used to - he will have to stop and consider why something seems different. he may also react differently as well, hopefully for the better. remember - if nothing changes - nothing changes. stay strong!
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