OW: Feeling scorned? Madder then I thought I would be....

[jj33]

Katter - why in the world would you want to be with a man who has lied to you like this and treated you so poorly. And not to be rude but she is not even a wife she is a girlfriend....

 

Hes a player plain and simple and he is playing you like a violin. It hurts its awful but the only logical reason you would even want to be within 100 miles of this guy iis ego.

 

But you have to know inside yourself that you are wonderful and loveable. Continuing to see this idiot who treats you like dirt is not a "win".

 

Do you know the gf? Will you be embarrassed in any way if you post them? Of not then post.

 

Who cares if he knows it is you. He doesnt care about you, and doesnt respect you. Sorry but its clear noone who does would behave that way.

 

So who cares what he thinks. Do whatever you need to do to heal. Just make sure you dont embarrass yourself in the process or do anything you regret later.

 

The idea that you would even want to continue seeing him is frightening.

 

Understandable that you would be hurt and devastated and want to believe its a bad dream, but realizing that it is not, why would you want anything to do with him.

 

Your heart will heal and you will find someone much better for you. But if you continue to see him, you do so at your own peril. Expect many more scenarios like this in the future.

 

This is who he is. This is how he treats you. Look at it this way. You are the OW in his life. If he values you so little that he would lie about this why in the world is he seeing you at all? Is it just to spice up his life with some variety? There is no good explanation, except that he didnt feel like telling you the truth because he didnt want to hear your reaction. And that is unacceptable.

 

If you go back with him after the cruise, you are condoning this behavior no matter how much you yell scream or cry. You are saying its ok treat me like dirt, I will be with you on any terms.

 

That cant be what you want.

[katterskacy]

Uhh, so what is it about him you actually like? Other than the sex and him making you feel good.. Because the guy is a user, a liar, a cheater and selfish. He has NO problems lying to his girlfriend or to you..This guy is NO prize.

 

Yes, chances are he has told her that you're crazy (like he's told you she's the crazy ex or whatever) and that you won't leave him alone..

 

That anger will pass. Don't post the pictures.

 

Take responsibility for your part in this. You know he's been with her for 9 years. That isn't just a casual relationship, if they live together, they're also common-law married. And they live together too, right?

 

Part of your anger is anger at yourself, for believing and white lying to yourself so affair and fantasy could continue..

 

Best revenge is to move on with your life and stay SILENT when it comes from him. Silence can say a million things..And it'll drive him nuts if you cut him out of your life forever.

 

Whichwayisup,

 

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your post. I may have to read it 15 million times a day to help me move on and stay silent and remain NC.

Yes, part of my anger is at myself.

 

You are right, he IS no prize. I deserve better.

[katterskacy]

Katter - why in the world would you want to be with a man who has lied to you like this and treated you so poorly. And not to be rude but she is not even a wife she is a girlfriend....

 

Hes a player plain and simple and he is playing you like a violin. It hurts its awful but the only logical reason you would even want to be within 100 miles of this guy iis ego.

 

But you have to know inside yourself that you are wonderful and loveable. Continuing to see this idiot who treats you like dirt is not a "win".

 

Do you know the gf? Will you be embarrassed in any way if you post them? Of not then post.

 

Who cares if he knows it is you. He doesnt care about you, and doesnt respect you. Sorry but its clear noone who does would behave that way.

 

So who cares what he thinks. Do whatever you need to do to heal. Just make sure you dont embarrass yourself in the process or do anything you regret later.

 

The idea that you would even want to continue seeing him is frightening.

 

Understandable that you would be hurt and devastated and want to believe its a bad dream, but realizing that it is not, why would you want anything to do with him.

 

Your heart will heal and you will find someone much better for you. But if you continue to see him, you do so at your own peril. Expect many more scenarios like this in the future.

 

This is who he is. This is how he treats you. Look at it this way. You are the OW in his life. If he values you so little that he would lie about this why in the world is he seeing you at all? Is it just to spice up his life with some variety? There is no good explanation, except that he didnt feel like telling you the truth because he didnt want to hear your reaction. And that is unacceptable.

 

If you go back with him after the cruise, you are condoning this behavior no matter how much you yell scream or cry. You are saying its ok treat me like dirt, I will be with you on any terms.

 

That cant be what you want.

 

Jj33,

 

Thank you also for your help. Yours is another post that I will have to refer to constantly to remind me that I need to not have ANY contact from him at this point on. This is not what I want. I know I derserve better and I also know that I should not condone his behavior and all his lies.

Does anyone have any other good coping strategies that help to maintain positive NC?

[whichwayisup]

Whichwayisup,

 

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your post. I may have to read it 15 million times a day to help me move on and stay silent and remain NC.

Yes, part of my anger is at myself.

 

You are right, he IS no prize. I deserve better.

 

Yup, you do deserve better. I think once NC sinks in and you have time to detach and think abit, you'll really see this guys negative side and his faults, things that DO matter in the long run, not day to day..

 

Here's something that will help you with the NC..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

It's a closed thread now, but the person who wrote it, no foolin', has helped many. There's alot of helpful advice and thoughts..

[jj33]

Im glad we are all able to help and you are listening.

 

What gets people to go back or drawn in again is (sometimes you will know if this is you) the feeling that comes with many relationships. This was it. It was the great love of my life. I will never ever have this kind of connection again with anyone. He doesnt mean it we can work it out. We must because he is the one.

 

The answer to that is NO NO NO. If he were the one he would not be behaving this way. Being treated so poorly can not be what God or the Universe or whatever you blieve in had in mind for you.

 

So there may have been great things aabout your connectoin but that is just to remind you of the good you want in your life and the good things you want in a relationship.

 

And the bad is a test. How strong is your self worth?

 

To go back and accept more is to say I feel worthless. Sometimes we do feel that way. But when you do feel weak and worthless, post post post even if people yell at you and say dont be an idiot hes not worth it.

 

You can post 24/7 open 24 hours.

 

Even if you are 110 and it seems like your last chance, or you have never had a real bf before no matter what your situation, its the old saying its better to be alone than to be in bad company.

 

Nature abhors a void. Let this go, let your heart heal and make room for something better. Dont tell the universe through your actions, mmm loving this this is good enuf for me, no need to send me a great man who will treat me well.

 

Hang in there. It will get better.

 

And dont bother with the photos. Its not worth the drama you need to move on, not get caught up in more nonsense with him. hes taken enough of your heart and attention already.

[Reggie]

Just madder than a little wet hen, eh? Why?

[katterskacy]

And dont bother with the photos. Its not worth the drama you need to move on, not get caught up in more nonsense with him. hes taken enough of your heart and attention already.

 

 

I'm not going to bother with the photos. It's silly and no I definitly do not want any more drama.

 

This is very difficult. I do miss him. I keep going back and forth from missing him to being mad and hating him & his lies.

 

I'm actually looking forward to moving on but it would be so much easier if he didn't call, but I know that won't happen. I'm sure he won't call until he is back on the road from Miami and not with her. But then he will and thats when the real struggle will occur.

 

Part of me feels that I will be happily satisfied when he calls and I ignore him, the other part is afraid that when he does, I will jump all over the call and fall for whatever he says and I'll be back at square one.

[jj33]

Errr. am i missing something. You were so mad that you were going to post pictures of the 2 of you on the internet.

 

So why get excited if he calls you once he leaves Miami. Of COURSE he is going to call you.

 

He doesnt know you are angry about the pictures. he could tell you she cornered him into it blah blah blah.

 

The fact is he is a weasel. So... when he calls the first thing would be why are you calling me go back to your girlfriend.

 

Just stop eating up the lies. Tell him you are not some piece of as* he picked up in a bar one night and you are not going to be 2nd anymore. Not going to sit home while your bf is on a cruise with someone else.

 

Better yet you tell him not to call you anymore and you hang up.

 

What does this guy have to offer you. Reread my last post. This is totally in your control. Up to you if you want to exercise it.

[Reggie]

Not sure I understand. If he has a girlfriend, why are you seeing him. Can he have two girlfriends? I'm totally confused, as usual. I thought having a girlfriend meant he should not have other girlfriends. Is he crossing a line here?:bunny:

[katterskacy]

Errr. am i missing something. You were so mad that you were going to post pictures of the 2 of you on the internet.

 

So why get excited if he calls you once he leaves Miami. Of COURSE he is going to call you.

 

He doesnt know you are angry about the pictures. he could tell you she cornered him into it blah blah blah.

 

The fact is he is a weasel. So... when he calls the first thing would be why are you calling me go back to your girlfriend.

 

Just stop eating up the lies. Tell him you are not some piece of as* he picked up in a bar one night and you are not going to be 2nd anymore. Not going to sit home while your bf is on a cruise with someone else.

 

Better yet you tell him not to call you anymore and you hang up.

 

What does this guy have to offer you. Reread my last post. This is totally in your control. Up to you if you want to exercise it.

 

 

I know he has nothing to offer me. I don't want to be anyone's second. I'm just saying that it will be very difficult for me to not answer his calls. I don't know if I can do it. I'm done eating up his lies which is why I posted. Yes, it's all in my control but the problem is if I CAN control myself when he calls...........

[Owl]

So here's your plan...it's SIMPLE...not easy, but simple.

 

Send him a text...telling him that you're DONE being his OW. Do not contact me again EVER. Make it very clear that it's over, and that if he contacts you in any fashion, there'll be heck to pay.

 

Then block him. Block his number on your phone, block his emails/IM's/texts.

 

That way you don't have to see when he's called/IM'ed/texted/etc...

 

See...simple.

[katterskacy]

So here's your plan...it's SIMPLE...not easy, but simple.

 

Send him a text...telling him that you're DONE being his OW. Do not contact me again EVER. Make it very clear that it's over, and that if he contacts you in any fashion, there'll be heck to pay.

 

Then block him. Block his number on your phone, block his emails/IM's/texts.

 

That way you don't have to see when he's called/IM'ed/texted/etc...

 

See...simple.

 

I don't think I'm ready to do that. But you guys would be proud. I just saw that he was online(on a site he does not know that I also go to which helped me find out some of the lies) and I did not try and IM him.

Hey, it's progress. And I also have NC since last thursday!

[Lucky_One]

I will be proud when YOU enforce the NC because it is the right thing for you to do. Right now, you are NC because he is on a cruise with his girlfriend. And if you let him know that you know he is online, then you lose that link to check up on him, which is a pretty good ulterior motive for keeping still.

[jj33]

More to the point sweetie, he didnt email you or call you or try to contact you in any way.

 

what does that tell you. Stop being a convenience item he can pick up in 7/11. You will feel much better for it in the long run. Everyone is different I fired (terminated the A for a few weeks) once when MM didnt contact me within a few hours of his first day back from his vacation and there were no "lies" or other issues involved. We had been in contact while he was on holiday. Its a question of how important it is to you to know that you are a priority.

[Owl]

If you're not ready to do that...then you're not ready to end the affair. You're not ready to stop being the OW.

 

You're not ready to do the right thing...for yourself, or for the others involved in this situation.

 

That's ok...it's a symptom of where you're at right now. What it means is that you're probably going to have to continue to suffer through being the OW until you finally hurt enough to want to change...enough to be ready to take these steps.

 

Until that point...there's not a whole lot that anyone will be able to do to help you really...

 

I don't mean to be harsh...I'm being honest and point blank.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think I'm ready to do that.

 

Why aren't you ready to block him? If you more or less have decided that you don't want to be the OW anymore, why keep lines of communication open with him? Unless you're afraid of never hearing from him again and dealing with the withdrawals .. Don't let fear rule over what you NEED to do so you won't continue to be hurt and lied to.

 

This guy isn't worthy of your love, effort or energy.

[norajane]

I don't think I'm ready to do that.

 

And as long as you remain unready, you remain unready to meet a wonderful man who is all about you and only you.

 

Why don't you want to meet THAT man in favor of hoping and wishing for this lying cheating man? Are you afraid of a real relationship and the kind of honesty and intimacy it requires?

[katterskacy]

And as long as you remain unready, you remain unready to meet a wonderful man who is all about you and only you.

 

Why don't you want to meet THAT man in favor of hoping and wishing for this lying cheating man? Are you afraid of a real relationship and the kind of honesty and intimacy it requires?

 

I don't think that its that I'm afraid of a real relationship, I just can't get him out of my head. I don't WANT to contact him, but I'm still at the point where I know when he does call me I might not be able to resist. Remember, I didn't start this whole thing with him knowing he had a girlfriend(he told me he did not). He LIED to me. Now that I know the truth I'm already too far in.

[norajane]

Remember, I didn't start this whole thing with him knowing he had a girlfriend(he told me he did not). He LIED to me. Now that I know the truth I'm already too far in.

 

You said in your first thread here that you found out 9 MONTHS ago that he's been divorced twice AND that he had a gf.

 

So what have you been doing for the last 9 months to get ready to leave him? Nothing? The only reason you're mad now is because he took her on a cruise and as your anger fades, you'll see him again?

 

Do you see how doing nothing = accepting current status quo? And that means NEVER being ready to meet someone else, and always being stuck on him and unable to move on?

 

There's a reason you are making that choice. Figure out what it is.

[Owl]

OK...what, EXACTLY, is "too far in"?

 

I don't get it...never have.

 

Here's the thing...you fell in love with him...BASED ON A LIE.

 

How does that NOT negate the foundation of your relationship with him?????

 

How is this different than if he'd lied to you about being straight, or being addicted to gambling/drugs/whatever?

 

All of those should be a "showstopper" when you find out he's lied to you about them...

 

And that INCLUDES lying about being married.

 

I just don't get it...what is "too far in" to do the right thing and walk away from a known liar/cheater/user?

[katterskacy]

You said in your first thread here that you found out 9 MONTHS ago that he's been divorced twice AND that he had a gf.

 

So what have you been doing for the last 9 months to get ready to leave him? Nothing? The only reason you're mad now is because he took her on a cruise and as your anger fades, you'll see him again?

 

Do you see how doing nothing = accepting current status quo? And that means NEVER being ready to meet someone else, and always being stuck on him and unable to move on?

 

There's a reason you are making that choice. Figure out what it is.

 

Yes, I did find all that all out 9 months ago but then he put more lies on top of that to cover himself which I stupidly fell for. I guess because I wanted to believe it?

I'm trying to figure out why I'm still making this choice. Yes, it could be true that the cruise pushed me into starting into seeing the writing on the wall. I can't say yet that I'm ready to move on since I can't block his number. I wish I knew why I can't, but that is why I'm on here.........

[norajane]

If you consider that LIES and MANIPULATION are emotional abuse, then you need to consider why you are willing to keep accepting his abuse, over and over and over...

[jj33]

I don't think that its that I'm afraid of a real relationship, I just can't get him out of my head. I don't WANT to contact him, but I'm still at the point where I know when he does call me I might not be able to resist. Remember, I didn't start this whole thing with him knowing he had a girlfriend(he told me he did not). He LIED to me. Now that I know the truth I'm already too far in.

 

Have you reread your own posts?

 

You are excusing staying in a ridiculously horrible relationship because after all he lied to you in the beginning?

 

Isnt that reason enough to get out? Where is the logic in well he lied to me and im in love now, so I may as well be lied to some more and let him know i just LOVE being treated like dirt.

 

How can you NOT resist speaking to someone who has treated you so badly other than to give them a piece of your mind and tell them NEVER EVER to contact you again and then blocking him.

 

If you cant see your way clear to kicking this guy so far down the street that hell end up in another state, then you should strongly consider couneling. If you are not already in counseling.

 

We are just cyber faces on teh internet. We can listen and encourage you but seeing someone in person may be the thing you need to get you to make a change.

 

Reliving the humiliation by telling a living breathing person what is really going on may be the turning point.

 

You are denying the pain you are in. If you were accepting the reality you would be devastated that you had allowed yourself to be treated like this, but you would never ever consider continuing with him on any level.

[katterskacy]

Have you reread your own posts?

 

You are excusing staying in a ridiculously horrible relationship because after all he lied to you in the beginning?

 

Isnt that reason enough to get out? Where is the logic in well he lied to me and im in love now, so I may as well be lied to some more and let him know i just LOVE being treated like dirt.

 

 

 

I have to re-read all the posts on here on a regular basis to stop me from calling, texting or Iming him.

There are no more excuses. He is a liar. I do want out. I do not want to be treated like dirt. I just did not think it would be this hard......or that I would still care and find myself in love with him even after the truth came out.

I found a forum on here under breakups where you can post a letter to your ex instead of saying what you want to say to them. I will be doing that. hopefully it'll help.

[whichwayisup]

Did you read the NC thread by no foolin'? I put the link up in an earlier reply to you.

 

Great idea to take advantage of the ongoing thread in the coping section, that way you won't email him.