snoopy girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 that is the book i bought last week to help me with all the lies that my husband has told me, the book has alot of good tips and what to look for when he lies or is telling a lie. i know it will not stop him from lying but it will help me to see the truth. once a lier always a lier. i just don't think he can stop........ if you know of anyother books that can help in this matter, please let me know... my eyes has been shut for a long time, and now are OPEN.....i see clear and don't want to look away.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 what is your plan of action about his lying problem? You are staying with him, right? Is he planning on working on his honesty or are you just trying to have a "head's up" when he does lie?
Author snoopy girl Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 island girl yes, i am still with him and i do love him, and that is why i put up with his crap. he has always lied about his flirting and talking to women, his old job made it easy to do things that a married man should not do, but, i have trusted him in the pass to tell me the truth about his where abouts. i am not sure if he has had an affair, but i think he got real close to a co-worker, he said she was his bestfriend. a bestfriend that i didn't know much about, only that she was skinny and blonde and goofy,so he said. he tells me that he will do anything to make me trust him again, he did quite his job of 19 yrs. and found a new one, but he still talks to her as a friend.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Well right there I'd have a BIG problem with a "friend" that is female - and supposedly a "best friend". WTF?!? My husband's BEST FRIEND is me. And to me, there is no reason he should have a close female friend. That is what I am for. He gets his female support ad companionship from me. He has needs in companionship that I can't give or understand. That is where the male friends come in. If you know he lies regularly - or has lied regularly - the only thing you can do in your relationship is talk about whether or not he wants it. If the answer is "yes" then he needs to make you and your relationship a priority and earn back your trust. Everything needs to be an open book with any questions asked and answered in a straight forward manor. He also needs to be accepting of the fact that he may have some double checking going on and he needs to be okay with you doing that. Is there a possibility you both can go to counseling? It really may help get to the bottom of why he is feeling the need to lie to you when you are supposed to be the closest person to him.
Author snoopy girl Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 island girl thank you for your advise, and no he will not get help out side the marriage, he tells me that i am his bestfriend as well, and that he has all kind of bestfriends, he has always told me to trust him and for years i had till my gut told me to ask. he told me he didn't have to expain anything to me, just trust me, and about 2 yrs. ago is whe my eyes opened, to all the lies. he tells my all guys flirt all guys look and all guys do things behind their wives back. i find that hard to believe. i know he won't stop the lies but i will be prepared for them to come. i am an open person and i don't mind him flirting and looking at other women but just don't lie about it to me and don't do it in my face. island girl have you ever gone through anything like this?
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 island girl thank you for your advise, and no he will not get help out side the marriage, he tells me that i am his bestfriend as well, and that he has all kind of bestfriends, he has always told me to trust him and for years i had till my gut told me to ask. he told me he didn't have to expain anything to me, just trust me, and about 2 yrs. ago is whe my eyes opened, to all the lies. he tells my all guys flirt all guys look and all guys do things behind their wives back. i find that hard to believe. That is untrue. Not all men do things behind their woman's back. And my husband would never disrespect me by looking at any woman when he is with me. He also would ever consider anyone more of a friend than I am to him. That is both genders considered. i know he won't stop the lies but i will be prepared for them to come. i am an open person and i don't mind him flirting and looking at other women but just don't lie about it to me and don't do it in my face. Tell him he is SO lucky to have you. I'd be a hellcat for him to deal with. What you are asking for is VERY basic respect. You are his WIFE not just some girl he picked up in a bar. island girl have you ever gone through anything like this? My husband was a big time player before we got together. So he was used to doing that kind of crap because he was with girls that didn't demand any respect. That changed when he met me. I am a cross between wonderful and loving/complete Beotch though so as he says I keep him "on his toes" or "on the high road". He just knows there would be hell to pay and I'd NEVER put up with it. But by the same token he would be incredibly angry if I was staring at guys or flirting in front of him. So it works both ways and he knows that too...
Author snoopy girl Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 island girl you sound like a strong woman and lucky to have a wonderful husband, and he is lucky to have you. i meet my husband when i was young and at that time i was not a strong person, i believed in him but now my back bone is growing and tired of all the crap and not putting up with it. i told him to change his job which he did, so i think he has it in him to be the man i need him to be, i just never made demands on him till 2 yrs. ago. i am 45yrs and i can take care of myself and i think he knows that. i don't want to treat him like a little boy, but it is time to grow up. maybe if i had been this way from the begining things would not be out of control.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 island girl you sound like a strong woman and lucky to have a wonderful husband, and he is lucky to have you. Thank you for the compliments. Yes my husband would tell you I am a strong woman and yes he's lucky to have me damnit! i meet my husband when i was young and at that time i was not a strong person, i believed in him but now my back bone is growing and tired of all the crap and not putting up with it. We all have to start somewhere. Be happy you are doing it now and not wishing it on your deathbed at 90! i told him to change his job which he did, so i think he has it in him to be the man i need him to be, i just never made demands on him till 2 yrs. ago. Well, good! HE changed his job at your request! That shows some respect for your feelings. There is room to grow. i am 45yrs and i can take care of myself and i think he knows that. i don't want to treat him like a little boy, but it is time to grow up. maybe if i had been this way from the begining things would not be out of control. Honey - they are all little boys in a sense. I know the men here are going o get all riled up because I said so but it is true. It is up to the woman as to how she'll be treated and what they can and can't get away with. If you can take care of yourself and are independent then you have 3/4 of the battle won. Hang in there and do not be afraid to set things the way that you need them for your own sanity and happiness. Remember if he doesn't you are left to be unhappy with him or happy without him so it is ALWAYS your choice in the end.
Author snoopy girl Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 island girl thank you, i mean it, sometimes i don't know where some people come from when they reply to me, but you know just what to say, i love my husband and time will tell. thank you again snoopy girl.
nicki Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Island girl is smart and sassy! We can all learn from her. Snoopygirl, it's never too late to command respect. Your boundaries may have been a little weak, but a good man wouldn't have lied and done all the stuff he did to walk all over them in the first place. It's not your fault. And you can decide right now how you want to be treated and tell him how that is going to be. It wouldn't hurt for him to know that you aren't afraid to walk if he can't meet your needs. And get a bit busy doing things away from him. If he looks at another woman while he's with you, bust him. Give him a hard look and say "Did you just check out another woman while you are with me? Not cool." Then put a bit of a freeze on him. No sex that day. You aren't so sure about him and don't want to get too close. Maybe he would rather be with that other woman. That kind of thing. He'll get it. Stare at other guys, too. If you get busted, say "Oh, I thought it was okay for us to do that." Mutual rules, no double standard. If he wants you to stop, he stops. Keep things reciprocal. Be nice when he's nice. Be distant when he's bad, of course after you tell him that you didn't like what he did. He needs to repair things when he's screwed up. Not your job. Good luck! If you love him, and he's a good guy underneath, this can all be fixed, hopefully. If not, then you will see it soon enough.
Author snoopy girl Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 niki in the past when i would say something about him doing wrong with another women, he would tell me........ what now! you have a real problem..... or you have a sickness...... and for years i tried to not say anything about it to him. but now its still hard to confront him when he does crap like that in my face. i do give him the cold shoulder but it seem like it does not matter to him, maybe this is who he is and will always be this way.
nicki Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I had an ex boyfriend who also looked at other women and told me I was the one with the problem. HA! What a load of BS. Although, at the time, I thought it WAS me who had the problem. Any guy who doesn't care about how you feel is bad news. Remember that. A good guy would care that you are hurt and would stop it. The guy that I mentioned turned out to be abusive. Apparently, his looking at other women, blaming me, and dismissing my feelings were the tip of the iceberg. Abusive men: Dismiss or Minimize your feelings Blame you in some way Divert conversations AWAY from what your concerns are. Don't answer your questions Give you the silent treatment or refuse to discuss things Use sarcasm Tell you, "You are making a big deal out of nothing. You always have to start a fight." Control communication. Walk away in the middle of a conversation. I hope your guy isn't abusive and is merely clueless. But, don't discount that he may well be an emotionally abusive type. Google the symptoms. You deserve better. Don't let him twist things around. If you feel hurt, there is a reason, and it's most likely his behavior. It's not all in your mind or whatever BS he says.
nicki Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Before I left that guy, he did stop looking at other women because I would simply leave whenever he did it. I didn't care if he drove, I'd take a cab out of there. If he wanted to look at other women, I wasn't going to stick around and watch it. It was disrespectful. He told me all the time I was the one with the problem. I told him yes, I was the one with him, therefore the one with the problem: him.
Author snoopy girl Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 nicki i was once told that my husband was a GASLIGHTER.............. i looked it up and yes he was, now i will look up emotional abusiver, he did or is still in an emotional something with his ex co-worker, now that he has his new job with a new cell and office # i will not be able to check on the calls, just have to see how he acts. thanks for the info.
Recommended Posts