Difficult Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Why does you ex show you mixed signals, say things that make you think they still want to be with you? But when you show that you still care they back off and try and play the friends card?? When you confront them they deny it and say I only see you as a friend yet when earlier you had said yeah it is cool to be friends they had said it will take a long time to be friends and said they still care about you??? Has anyone experienced similar behaviour from their ex - it's driving me crazy trying to understand why someone would act like that??? Thanks in advance.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Expect an avalanche and deluge of replies, because all exes who dump, do this to the person they've dumped. It's a ploy to assuage their own guilt, and also to yoank your chain and feed you breadcrums, and keep you hanging. It just validates their own importance in your life. So what you do is standard practice, and extremely effective - Providing you stick to it: break it once, and you effectively put yourself back to square one. You implement strict 100% NO CONTACT. Either to her or from her. You shut down myspace/facebook, dlete her address form your e-mail address file, you delete her number from your mobile phone and block all incoming messages (a lot of new phones can do this). if you can't, you change her name/call sign to "Do not answer this!" and have a text message saved in your drafts to send her each time, that reads: "You have been barred from contacting this number". Send it the first couple of times she texts, ands it will drive her nuts. Then, when she telephones you, let it go to message/Voicemail, and delete the call/message without listening to it!! Nothing - but nothing - will ever be so urgent that it requires any of your attention. If it is, she'll make damn sure she gets in touch with you by meeting with you. This is what you do. Are you ready? GO!!
gutted1 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Why does you ex show you mixed signals, say things that make you think they still want to be with you? But when you show that you still care they back off and try and play the friends card?? When you confront them they deny it and say I only see you as a friend yet when earlier you had said yeah it is cool to be friends they had said it will take a long time to be friends and said they still care about you??? Has anyone experienced similar behaviour from their ex - it's driving me crazy trying to understand why someone would act like that??? Thanks in advance. Using you for a crutch and something to fall back on if needs be, this is the height of selfishness. I would advise NC mate
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 They do this because they're not quite sure what they want. They want you to wait around until they decide what they want, just in case it's you they want. They don't truly care about your feelings, only their own. Like above.....................NC! Don't let him play games with you.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 It's a ploy to assuage their own guilt, and also to yoank your chain and feed you breadcrums, and keep you hanging. It just validates their own importance in your life. Exactly. I did this many times because I still wanted all of the attention and wanted to know I could have that back any time I wanted - but I didn't want any of the the guys anymore that came with the attention so when he got too chummy I had to back him off. And sometimes when I flipped I had to be really mean.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Why does you ex show you mixed signals, say things that make you think they still want to be with you? Is it possible that you misinterpreted some of what they said, and they were not actually implying that they still wanted to be with you...other than as your friend? It's also fair enough if they didn't know exactly how long it would take for them to feel friendly towards you...and they got there sooner than they expected. Sometimes (quite often), it's not "mixed signals" on their part, but our own wishful thinking that leads to our inaccurate interpretations that leads to our further disappointment and hurt feelings. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves. Regardless, I agree with the others -- 'no contact' sounds like what is needed, on your part.
Author Difficult Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Hi Guys, thanks for all your esponses. My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago... but since then whenever I have tried to NC she always contacts me... Wework at the same place and there is a work IM system that we use so she always contacts me on that. We have met for lunch a few times... but last week and it has been 6 days since no contact i told her I was not here for her to validate her feelings and I have had enough of the situation... Ronnie, she siad things such as the situation between us is heart-wrenching and it's like we care but we can't make each other happy and I like the way things are going betwee us... When I siaid its best for us to be friends she siad that will take a long time but when she saw i was still into her she is so quick to say I see you as a friend. She also went out of her way to show me that she wasn''t with someone else to which i said even if you were then you don't need to tell me as you don't need to explain anything to me.... to which she replied i miss you... At a point she has even said lets see how things go and if we get back together then so be it and if not then so be it.... I realised she was just keeping me there to make up her mind... so I told her I am not putting up with it anymore... The last thing I said was i'm in a place where I can be with or without you.. I know this is so lame because a part of me still wants her back but the other part tells me look how she treated you...
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 The last thing I said was i'm in a place where I can be with or without you.. I know this is so lame Well, no. That wasn't "lame" to say...it was smart. Even if your heart is feeling something else, to my mind it's always wiser to not give others an opportunity to abuse your feelings for them. From what you've added, yes, she is just dicking around with your emotions. I guess maybe cos you've been letting her get away with it. Too bad about the work thing -- if she is IMing with personal stuff, I'd suggest to ignore it/her. And maybe you want to stop any one-on-one lunch "dates", too? (Don't let her "talk you into" any more of those, in the future.) Yeah...look how she's treated you. You deserve better. Keep n/c (except on work-related matters, of course) until you know, in your mind and heart, that you are in a place where you are better off, without her. Who wants/needs to be toyed with? That's how she's been treating you. Sorry you're going through this.
Author Difficult Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks Ronnie.... Sometimes I wish I had just played it cool and didn't get to excited about the things she had said to me... because it was when she saw that I was taking more steps towards her, she got scared and backed off again. She even told me that... Now I just think that if she did really care then what difference should it make to her how i reacted... Is it possible that she is just confused about her feelings??? or does she just want me t ostick around as she gets an ego boost of some sort?
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Just as an aside, there is another forum member who regularly contributes, who also works in the same place as his ex-. Whilst they are not in the same department, she regularly makes it a habit to be where he is, and strives to get his attention. He studiously ignores her presence and is civil only insofar as work dictates he be civil. Otherwise, if he has no need to talk to her at all - he doesn't even so much as glance at her..... This drives her nuts, but he perseveres and is the better for it. It IS possible to be working in the same place as someone, and have absolutely nothing to do with them. As advised, ignore all IMs and don't speak to her unless it's work related. Cut her off "at the knees" if she comes round to say hello.... Her: "hello there"... You: "Hi." (Avoid eye contact) (silence.) H: "Just came round to see if you were ok". Y: (Still avoiding eye contact) "Yes, I'm absolutely fine. Was there anything else? Only I have someting important to do"....(Look busy...And say no more.....) She'll get it. Sounds harsh? Yes, you're right, it does. But it gets the message across, and sometimes, you just need to do it quickly and efficiently.... Good luck.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Is it possible that she is just confused about her feelings??? Well, yes. It is POSSIBLE that she's not 100% sure what she wants/if she wants to be with you. Even so though, how she is handling her feelings of confusion is rather immature, and also not considerate of her impact on you. Really then...and very much depending on what YOU really want: Perhaps the most mature thing that YOU can do is to invite her to lunch, tell her that you're unsure how to interpret all the conflicting messages you're getting from her, and ask her to be honest about what she is thinking and feeling, as it relates to you. Another option is to reflect (by yourself) on the reasons for the break-up, and determine if there have been significant improvements in those 'problem' areas. If not, it doesn't even matter if she is confused or just using you for an ego-boost. If the work hasn't been done to change what needed to be changed, then a reconciliation won't work. For example, if it is that your insecurities (or hers) were a big reason then, if you have (or, she has) not properly dealt with and overcome that, then you guys could conceivable get back together again...but it won't be for any long term -- the same problem as in the past, is gonna bite the relationship in its ass, in the future. I just think that if she did really care then what difference should it make to her how i reacted...That is you not caring about your impact on her, though. And it's kind of like me saying to you, "Well, if you really care about me, what difference does it make if I beat you about the head with a frying pan whenever I get angry (or stressed, or just cos I want to)?" It DOES make a difference how we act and react, and how considerate we are of each other's sensitivities and idiosyncrasies! It makes a difference on all levels: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.
westrock Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I know this is so lame because a part of me still wants her back but the other part tells me look how she treated you... This is not lame. This is the crux of your issue. You perceive that she is giving you mixed signals because you are giving yourself mixed signals. She may be confused about her feelings, but she has to resolve that herself. You can only work on yourself. Decide what you want one way or the other. You either want her back and are willing to accept the way she treated you as part of the process, or decide that you don't like the way she has treated you and be done with the situation. If need be talk with her to get some clarity so you can decide what you want. When you can settle your internal conflict, then you won't see her signals as mixed anymore.
Author Difficult Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Ronnie Quote: I just think that if she did really care then what difference should it make to her how i reacted... By this I meant that if she did care about me then why does it make a difference to her if i took too many steps towards her, but I guess you are right, one of the reasons she gave me for the break up was that I became too clingy and needy. When we are on a path to reconciliation I just get too excited and mess it up.... I tried to confront her about this over lunch but she did not want to discuss it so in the end I just text her and said that I am not willing to put up with the mixed emotions anymore... she said that she has not given me any mixed emotions. I still want to be with her, although it has been 4 months now... I guess i'm just hoping for her to contact me and maybe actually figure out what she feels. To be fair we both have not had a break from each other since the break up....
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Please try to understand this: If it's been 4 months - It's OVER. Your continued ocntact is only doing one thing - it's picking at the scar and refusing to ley your wound heal. I'm afraid when people talk about No Contact here, it's usually because they know exactly what you're talking about. Been there, done that.... No Contact is truly the only way you can both move on, because there is NO GOING BACK. Face it, accept it, and - suck it up. No deal, my friend. No deal.
gerkel Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Just a word of advice, dont look at what you dont have anymore, look at what you do have, and look at what you will have.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I tried to confront her about this over lunch but she did not want to discuss it Over lunch (I'm guessing that was today or fairly recently), she gave you a CLEAR, unequivocal, cannot-be-misinterpreted message: She does not wish to hear or discuss the old relationship. That means she is done, finito, kaput. She has it TOTALLY figured out, what she feels. It is over, and she has no desire to reconcile with you. Your brain is just stubbornly refusing to properly hear her words or accurately interpret them. I'm going to suggest that you re-read Westrock's post above (#12). [EDIT: Except that the option to talk with her is no longer available. You tried that. She shut you down. It's not an option any more.] You are correct that you're suffering from mixed emotions but that's because YOU are giving yourself mixed messages. Your ex is NOT doing that..she has been very clear and straight-up with you. If not before this most recent lunch, then at least during it. You need to help your brain accept that it is 100% over. That is your current obligation to your Self. I get that you cannot go total n/c because you work together. But you can go "total personal-stuff n/c"...communicate with her strictly, ONLY on work-related matters. And use your healing/recovery time to get up to speed on the roots of your needy and clingy (insecure) behaviours, and how to overcome them so they don't sabotage your NEXT relationship. Break-ups suck. I'm sorry that you're going through it. I can only recommend that you not make things any harder for yourself than they normally would be...and not hearing her only makes it harder on yourself.
Author Difficult Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 This was last week, she did not want to discuss it at work because there were people around and she wanted to talk about it later but I just wanted to say that I had had enough of the mixed signals.... anyway she would not hear it during lunch... i think she was shocked that i confronted her.... In the end i text her and said what i had to say..... which was basically along the lines that i had enough of the situation... She siad it was inappropriate for me to bring it up at work and i should respect that is her place of work and she said it was unfair for me to say she gave me mixed signals.... I have not heard from her since and am trying really hard to move on but finding it difficult... I guess the think is i know she starts to get feelings for me again because she tells me that but then backs off, this has been going on since we broke up
mmk1 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Sadly, Difficult she is done and it is over. You are only extending your pain and meeting her needs by doing anything more than being co-workers demands. Remember, at this point, your contact with her is meeting all of her needs and none of yours. Don't accept this one-sided relationship but move on to someone who will appreciate you and meet your needs. I wish you the best!
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