dennysjoann Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hi, this is my first time here but I'm in desperate need of sound advice from other women involved in LDR. A little history... We have known each other since Jr high and high school. After that we didn't talk until our 20 yr reunion was coming up. We emailed for about a month before ever talking on the phone and then it progressed from there. By the time of our reunion in August we had been dating 4 months. He lives 400 miles away so we can see eachother at least every 3 weeks for a long weekend. In October we went to California and he introduced me to his family, he spent 2 weeks with me at Christmas and New Years. Here comes the problem... In January he had his birthday. He came up on a Thursday and I got up earlier than him on Friday morning. I'm not a nosy person by nature but looked thru his cell phone text messages. I found messages between himself and his best friends sister, who I have met. They were explicit in sexual nature. A lot of it was bantering back and forth but then they were trying to decide WHEN they could make this happen when his best friend nor I would find out. His response was to leave me early on Monday morning and go hang with her all day. To me, that is intent and I am CRUSHED! I woke him up and calmly asked him about it. We never fought nor got ugly and he wasn't mad that I looked thru his phone. He said it was never going to happen but admits even what was done was wrong and he realizes he broke my trust and hurt me deeply. We spent the weekend together, I cried a lot, asked a lot of questions and he was patient and answered all of them. Every time since when I bring it up, he is supportive, loving and caring, he is trying to make me believe in him again. I believe he truly loves me, but I am so hurt. We had this amazing friendship and love relationship, the kind you read about in those love novels. We talk about everything, we talk everyday during the day and at night he stays up till I get off work (at about 11 pm) and we talk for a few hours. I find myself acting insecure and getting upset about things that before wouldn't have bothered me. I feel clingy and that's not my style. Has anyone dealt with this? Any thoughts would be appreciated and exdperience in LDR, this is my first. I love this man, he is my best friend! I want this to work with every fiber of my being but I am also scared and so hurt. Is it possible to get that feeling of 100 percent secure and blind faith back? Is it possible for an LDR to work when you lose those things and are trying to get them back? I've been thinking about just getting busy doing things here and not being so available to him just to give myself some space but I don't want to lose him or send the wrong message. I am so lost here in the land of LDR and the does and donts. I know the rules are different than in close contact relationships. Please help with your experiences.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 YES in some cases you can regain the trust again just like in any other relationship. It will not happen over night. It takes time and there is no limit. It will help tremendously if he understands he needs to be an open book and anything you want to know you get to know. However that has to happen. If he wants the relationship, is sorry, and does not want to lose you he will do whatever it takes and for as long as it takes. He is the one who screwed up. So that decision rests on his shoulders - if he willing to go the distance with no real light at the end of the tunnel.? Then the question for you is, do you have it in you to forgive and move on? Because if you can not forgive it won't matter what he does it will never be enough. You know yourself and your personality. I am sure you have been wronged by others in the past. Are you vindictive and vengeful or forgiving? Because it makes a BIG difference. Next, I know this is all fresh. So of course you want to beat the hell out of the issue. But there will come a time that, if you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to stop bringing it up. If there is an argument you will have to NOT bring it up over and over. Even LD it can be healed. It is up to the two of you to get an action plan in place to allow you to do so. I am sorry you have to go through this. It is really hard I know.
Lucky_One Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 What did he do about the Monday plans with his affair partner? Has he broken off all contact with her, and done this in front of you? Is his best friend a part of this deception? Does she live where he does, or does she live where you do? You will never regain blind trust - and you shouldn't. You know that he will cheat on you, you know that he will lie to you, you know that he will do things to suit him. Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes time, honesty and work. It means that he gives you access to his cell phone bill online. It means that you know his passwords to email accounts. It means that he tells you when she contacts him. It means that he checks in with you frequently, and doesn't use the tired excuse of "my battery died" for the weekend. More frequent weekends, and constant communication.
KikiW Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I'm sorry, but I have had experiences where someone was doing a bit of cybering behind my back. I personally see it as nothing less than akin to an already physical affair. He has lied to you, plain and simple. It is one thing to have an innocent flirtation going with someone he's known for a long time, but he did not tell you about this sexual talk with this other woman and made plans to hang out with her after leaving your side. People who are in committed relationships do not seek companionship with someone else (and the texts revealed they were trying to get away with pulling the wool over you AND this other guy's eyes) unless they are looking for something they are not getting. I think you handled discussing this with him very maturely, but to be perfectly frank, I would toss him out the door. If it happened once, chances are very good it will happen again. So unless you are a woman who doesn't mind looking the other way when he does it, my opinion is to get rid of him. If you do want to give him another chance, he should have no problem giving you the passwords to all his email accounts and access to his phone records. Texts can be deleted off of phones, so don't go by that.
Author dennysjoann Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thank you both for taking time to read my questions and sharing your thoughts. To explain a little more, I am NOT the vengeful type, I CAN forgive and I know that conctantly bringing it up for an extended period of time is not healthy for us or the relationship. I did not ask him to call her in front of me because it's someone he has known for 30 years and his best friends sister. I don't want to make such an issue of it that his best friend finds out and it causes even more hurt for more people. He did offer me her phone number to call her myself but I declined. If I can't trust him to just do what is right I'm not going to make a fool out of myself by calling her. I haven't seen him in person since that weekend but he will be here the day after tomorrow so I guess just relaxing and watching and trying to let go of my hurt and anger is my best bet right now. To answer your question Lucky one about his Monday plans he stayed here, with me till one in the morning so I wouldn't have any doubts about his plans. His drive home is 7 hours and he had to be to work at 8 am. He IS trying to prove things to me and comfort me and build that trust again. It's so dang hard when you can't be WITH them to do that I guess. But I believe he is a good man at heart and that what we share is amazing so I will keep trying. Put a smile on and fake it till I make right!!?? Thank you again for the time and thoughts.
Author dennysjoann Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Just saw KiKiW reply... That is the second person to mention passwords and such. Do women really demand that kind of thing? Not being silly, that's a serious question. I'm not sure I could do that. Let me rephrase... Not sure I want to do that. Your right about erasing texts, but I will never look in his phone again anyway. And for emails... He can make up another one that is secret so to me, I would rather hold my head high and just EXPECT him to do the right thing than be Momish and check up on him. I already have a 14 yr old son, I surely don't want another one! LOL! I don't know guys, I know I probably sound foolish but I just don't want that kind of relationship and if that is what it comes down too, I think I would be better off walking away. I know I always question things now and watch really close to what he does, says, time factors etc... that is bad enough and wearing thin already. Thanks again everyone
KikiW Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I totally understand not wanting to feel like a mom to someone who is supposed to be your partner. Only you can decide whether this is worth trying to move past or whether it's an indication of a bigger problem. I can only give you my opinion based on what you say and my own experiences. My own experiences have told me that this kind of behavior is a HUGE EFFING RED FLAG. Your guy (whom you say you have the kind of love found in romance novels) was texting another woman about sex and was trying to set up a meeting with her to consummate their discussions AND said they didn't want you to find out. I see that as him trying to initiate an affair, and in the process being a deceitful liar. I see that as a HUGE EFFING RED FLAG. If it were me, I would demand to know WHY he was trying to set it up in the first place, if he was supposed to have this great love and respect for me. Again, it's up to you how you want to handle it. Feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Author dennysjoann Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Just an update if anyone was curious. Things are going well, we seem to be coming thru this whole ordeal. Of course it will take time to build that trust again but we are trying and things seem to be going ok. Thank you for all your thoughts and sharing, it means a lot to me when perfect strangers take time out of their day to lend support.
Nicodaemos Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 cheating, typically, if someone has done it once, yes, even texts, emails and such, most likely they will do it again. We all desire to be in a relationship where we know that, if asked, we can see all the personal workings, email, phone and everything of our other, but dont need to. we all want that trust. Sometimes though, people can change, or maybe he isnt like that normally, but was just in a weak time living out a fantasy that many have. either way, more often then not, almost enough so to make it standard, if someone cheats once, they will do it again. If things really have gone well, and he truly is for you, wonderful, it shows a willingness to change what needs changing, which is a good thing. But, be wary about it, and if it happens again, then it would need to be over. Im more about forgiveness, and allowing a chance to make up for a transgression, also was in a relationship where the cheating she did, wasnt too big a deal. I havent, cant. but be wary if you do decide to stay and give that chance.
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