MSUE Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 yikes...its a shame that she never got a darn clue then...if she couldn't then...can she now? regardless of your decision of staying with the W or not is kinda a lose lose situation...when you think about it...
jj33 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Sorry Brit. The question had to be asked. You have certainly done your part. Have you spoken to her about it? Why not put on the lingerie? Why not xyz? It sounds like a breakdown in communication and emotional estrangement - maybe its just me but if you got her the stuff it fits her, how difficult is it to put it on? There is something more going on here than I just dont want to look after myself or make myself attractive for you. The question is do you want to drill down and figure out where things went wrong and see if you can put it back on track? Its not easy. Even if OW hadnt come along it sounds like you may have had to make this decision. Should you stay with someone when your needs arent being met. I dont want to be rude but it sounds like you feel you settled with your wife in some way (saying neither of us is that attractive...) thats not a feeling that will take you through thick and sin. Its not a judgement or a blame. We all make the best decisions at the time and I am sure she is a lovely woman. It just may not be the right fit for life.
Author Britt Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and challenging questions and the insights. It's been very helpful. I don't know how things will turn out (obviously), but being able to talk about it here has been therapeutic and has helped me see things more clearly. My W is a good person, and deserves happiness. The same is just as true for the OW. I will stop jerking them about and make a decision. And hopefully by doing that stop hurting myself, too.
NoIDidn't Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 jj33, I can't agree with the "you've done your part" conclusion that you reached because he said he bought some lingerie. That's not doing much of anything, IMO. Britt, I am not going to be like the others and tell you what to do with your W by D'ing her. She deserves the truth from you. And you don't seem capable of giving it to her. Same with the OW. But moreso with your W because she is the mother of your children and your partner of 20+ years. I don't know if you will ever get the attraction to your W back, but you certainly won't when you have such a negative opinion of her. You need to bring this up in MC. That way you can use the counsellor to ease the brunt of what you are saying. The results may surprise you. You need to go NC with the OW if you are serious about working on your M. Period. You will never stop thinking of someone you are always contacting and being contacted by. I get the feeling that you are stringing the OW along because you are afraid of what leaving your W will look like to your children and extended family and friends, though. As for the "only been with my W" comment. I agree. Cop-out. Many of us after getting married have only been with our spouses since then. Should we then run out and sleep with someone else too? I know I'm being a harda$$ about this, but the other part of your problem is justifications and just plain lying to yourself. You want to do the "right thing" to appease others. You want to keep the OW on a string so that she can please you. Just when are you actually going to do something selfless and honorable in all this? This is where you need to start. Stop trying to be a "good guy". It never works out the way we think it will in the end. Your marriage may just need a refresher. Either way, the A was wrong so the OW will have to get NC unless you get a divorce, IMO.
Virgo1982 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and challenging questions and the insights. It's been very helpful. I don't know how things will turn out (obviously), but being able to talk about it here has been therapeutic and has helped me see things more clearly. My W is a good person, and deserves happiness. The same is just as true for the OW. I will stop jerking them about and make a decision. And hopefully by doing that stop hurting myself, too. Good for you. I hope everything works out for everyone in the end.
jj33 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 No I Didnt - Im not THAT shallow:eek: I dont think just buying the lingerie is enough. What I mean is he has tried to engage his W (or so it sounds) in the issue and that since it didnt work, it sounds like there are underlying emotional issues in the marriage. If it was just I would be more attracted to you if... and all she had to do was dress differently etc he made a move in that direction but from what he says she wasnt engaging. So its clearly emotional distance. The issue is why didnt they then explore the underlying emotional issues further? I dont sense that Britt really wants to do that. Or maybe he and his W dont know how dont know. My gut reaction is that he thinks he settled when he married maybe he didnt think so then but he thinks so now. Im not condoning that just calling it as I see it. And I agree the OW has to go for now for her sake as much as for the sake of a clean decision being made. No good comes of stringing 2 women along.
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