How Can I Stop Thinking About the OW?

[grogster]

Grogster doesnt that take us back to the famous quote, when you marry the mistress you create a vacancy?

 

It seems all roads lead to Kansas tho perhaps a different neighborhood. Because following your logic, if you marry the mistress, then Oz fades and becomes Kansas.

 

Yes, it does. All roads eventually lead back to Kansas (at least for most of us).

 

An Affair only appears liberating next to the marital "prison." But once the "affair spouse" replaces the "marital spouse" it's back to Parchman Farm.

[grogster]

Oh, so OW is your back-up plan in case you decide you really don't want to have sex with your wife anymore. Well, at least it's clear to you what value the OW holds for you, and what the purpose is for you continuing contact with her.

 

Maybe you ought to share that with OW and your wife, and they will make the decision easier for you.

 

The OW is akin to an erotic safety net, a relationship insurance policy. She's a "lady-in-waiting" so to speak. She's a back-up for the marital hard drive.

 

In a perverse sort of way, the OW's perceived availability is giving the OP the motivation to continue his badly damaged marriage. But that's only for the short term. In the long term, the waiting-in-the-wings OW is a cancer on the marital body.

[KismetGirl]

Oh, so OW is your back-up plan in case you decide you really don't want to have sex with your wife anymore. Well, at least it's clear to you what value the OW holds for you, and what the purpose is for you continuing contact with her.

 

Maybe you ought to share that with OW and your wife, and they will make the decision easier for you.

 

 

I could be crazy, but if they NEVER had a good sex life, couldn't that be an indication he never had that attraction to her? I just don't see how you can rekindle something that isn't there to begin with.

 

And agreed with JJ....tho perhaps my opinion will also be brushed aside seeing as how I'm an OW....but I also don't see how staying with someone because other people think it's the right thing to do is really the right thing to do, is it?

 

If the OP really used to have a great connection with his W, and it has only recently become muddled, then perhaps he can get something back. But honestly, if the thought of being intimate with her brings him revolt akin to having sex with his own sister, then what's the point?

 

Sex isn't everything, but lack of it altogether is generally a symptom that something is lacking in the relationship. Just because you're great friends with someone and have kids with them doesn't mean you make a good match.

 

But he hasn't told us much about their history really...if they ever had that spark or whatever....so it's hard to say in this situation. It might not be the OW herself that is what is distracting him. It might be the fact that he really just doesn't want to be married to his W anymore. It seems to me almost like he is forcing himself to do "the right thing". I, for one, would not want to be married to someone who has to be forced and coerced and guilted into staying with me. I would want someone to stay with me because they are in love with me. To find out that my husband settled with me out of duty, and otherwise finds me physically revolting, would be a bigger insult than if we tried to have an amicable divorce.

[jj33]

Good point Nora Jane.

[Britt]

 

But were you ever attracted to your wife? Why did the attraction cease? Because saying we went through a bad patch but we can work it out and that there is a lack of physical attraction is a whole different story.

 

Obviously you are not someone who can stick with it despite the lack of physical attraction.

 

Yes, there was attraction to my W. She's not a great beauty, and nor am I, for that matter, but we were mutually attracted, if a little conservative and shy.

 

As I've grown up and become more aware and comfortable with acknowledging some things about myself, I've come to accept and acknowledge that physical appearance is important to me, especially sexually. Not supermodel beautiful, but a neat, trim appearance. Maybe you'll think I'm superficial, but I think most men think this way. It's not everything, but it is one important part of something.

 

Meanwhile my W has gained weight over the years. She's not obese, but there are significant curves where there didn't used to be any. I don't know if she can lose them, but since she does already exercise, I'd have to think not. She seems to care relatively little for her appearance, from weight to makeup to clothes.

 

The attraction took a nosedive after children, and only got worse with time. Now compounded with aging, decent but not scrupulous personal hygiene (my sense of smell is hyperactive), her snoring at night, and a few other things, I don't know if I can ever get it back.

 

I'm not necessarily looking for Oz, but I can't handle living in Kansas forever, either.

[KismetGirl]

Yes, there was attraction to my W. She's not a great beauty, and nor am I, for that matter, but we were mutually attracted, if a little conservative and shy.

 

As I've grown up and become more aware and comfortable with acknowledging some things about myself, I've come to accept and acknowledge that physical appearance is important to me, especially sexually. Not supermodel beautiful, but a neat, trim appearance. Maybe you'll think I'm superficial, but I think most men think this way. It's not everything, but it is one important part of something.

 

Meanwhile my W has gained weight over the years. She's not obese, but there are significant curves where there didn't used to be any. I don't know if she can lose them, but since she does already exercise, I'd have to think not. She seems to care relatively little for her appearance, from weight to makeup to clothes.

 

The attraction took a nosedive after children, and only got worse with time. Now compounded with aging, decent but not scrupulous personal hygiene (my sense of smell is hyperactive), her snoring at night, and a few other things, I don't know if I can ever get it back.

 

I'm not necessarily looking for Oz, but I can't handle living in Kansas forever, either.

 

Out of curiousity.....what does your wife say about HER attraction to YOU???

[Britt]

Oh, so OW is your back-up plan in case you decide you really don't want to have sex with your wife anymore. Well, at least it's clear to you what value the OW holds for you, and what the purpose is for you continuing contact with her.

 

Maybe you ought to share that with OW and your wife, and they will make the decision easier for you.

 

That's a trite oversimplification and an unworthy pot-shot. Sex is an important part of any marriage. I simply don't want to lose the OW and our relationship if I can't patch up the complete relationship with my wife.

 

I've come to see, though, that I can't afford try to hedge my bets (it won't work), and I need to commit.

[jj33]

The OW is akin to an erotic safety net, a relationship insurance policy. She's a "lady-in-waiting" so to speak. She's a back-up for the marital hard drive.

 

That right there is what is so infuriating to me about being the OW once you have fallen in love. Thats why I always tell people if he loves you so much and isnt leaving get out if you really want more. No good comes of staying. It only prolongs his ability to have everything and your needs arent being met.

 

Britt, you should think long and hard about this. At this point you are stringing the OW along if you are in contact with her. And if you EVER hope to have a good relationship with her in the future, you should cut off contact now.

 

Otherwise things tend to disinegrate. The same old tragic love thing gets very old after awhile (or it did for me not so tragic make up your effing mind about what you want from life).

 

It stops the OW from moving on if she is still in love with you and it stops you from working on your marriage.

 

At least if you tell OW you want to try to work on your marriage, one last ditch effort and you owe it to yourself and your future, you can have a clean and relatively speaking amicable break. Unless she doesnt mind dithering, a long stretch of this could poison your relationship.

 

Yes if you let her go she could meet someone and you could find you want to leave the marriage and she isnt there, but if you do eventually leave and she is available and willing to give it another try, you havent poisoned the relationship.

 

I am sure its not easy. I can imagine you feel very alone. You dont know what you want, you dont know how long the patience willl last on either side... and you dont want to make a mistake.

 

But you have to do something. Its unfair on everyone including yourself if you dont.

[Britt]

Out of curiousity.....what does your wife say about HER attraction to YOU???

 

She says she is attracted to me and wants to be intimate.

 

When you compared the way I'm feeling to making love to a sister, that was a pretty accurate summing up.

[skywriter]

If the love isn't there for your W then be fair, to her and divorce. I say this from being in a 17 yr marriage and two kids later. It is alike to emotional abuse to remain in a marriage knowing that your spouse doesn't love you.

 

Let's not confuse caring for with love either. I can also atest to the unhealthy enviroment it creates for children as well. My kids knew that their parents weren't happy.

 

When my H finally got strong enough to leave and it took five yrs of knowing he wasn't all in it (the marriage). It was like a weight was lifted off myself and our kids.

My H didn't leave for an OW either, he left because it was what he needed to do. He knew that I would never give up on our M, even if it was a bit like beating a dead horse.

 

I needed him to be strong enough to make the decision.

[jj33]

I couldnt edit my last post but if you have some reason other than the A to be in contact then omit all romantic contact or conversations. No friendly texts or emails just business if that is an issue.

[jj33]

Have you always felt like you were making love to your sister? Do you think you could rekindle the old feelings?

[quankanne]

Meanwhile my W has gained weight over the years. She's not obese, but there are significant curves where there didn't used to be any. I don't know if she can lose them, but since she does already exercise, I'd have to think not. She seems to care relatively little for her appearance, from weight to makeup to clothes.

 

The attraction took a nosedive after children, and only got worse with time. Now compounded with aging, decent but not scrupulous personal hygiene (my sense of smell is hyperactive), her snoring at night, and a few other things, I don't know if I can ever get it back.

 

AHA! now it grows clearer. Wife has lost her attractiveness because she's grown familiar and less sexy over the years, while OW is exciting because she's still "new" territory.

 

it sounds like while your dislikes are genuine, you're seemingly blowing them out of proportion. As people age, their bodies are going to change, no matter how fit or good-looking they are, that's a fact of life.

 

another fact is that if your wife doesn't feel sexy because you see an innate sexiness, why should she bother? I think that's a common reaction in all of us when we think our mates think we're blah ... not saying it's right, but that it like this.

 

her snoring could be tied into the extra weight, and causing sleep apnea, but that's something she'll have to be tested for ...

 

okay, if your wife toned up, stopped snoring/breathing funny when she sleeps and improves her personal hygiene, do you honestly feel that you'd be attracted to her? Or would you be subconsciously sabotaging your relationship by finding other faults?

 

not asking to be cruel, but as a reality check of sorts. Because it sounds to me that these "minor" things your finding fault with will be easily replaced by other undesirable traits you "detect" ... and my guess is that your heart isn't really in this marriage, because otherwise you'd be rolling with the punches simply because she's your woman and you choose her each and every time.

 

just my 2 cents ...

[Britt]

Have you always felt like you were making love to your sister?

 

Not always, but its been that way for quite a long time now. By that I mean 7-8 years.

 

Do you think you could rekindle the old feelings?

 

That's the $64,000 question....

[Britt]

AHA! now it grows clearer. Wife has lost her attractiveness because she's grown familiar and less sexy over the years, while OW is exciting because she's still "new" territory.

 

it sounds like while your dislikes are genuine, you're seemingly blowing them out of proportion. As people age, their bodies are going to change, no matter how fit or good-looking they are, that's a fact of life.

 

another fact is that if your wife doesn't feel sexy because you see an innate sexiness, why should she bother? I think that's a common reaction in all of us when we think our mates think we're blah ... not saying it's right, but that it like this.

 

I know we all change; God knows, I see it in the mirror every morning. And I do think that there's a part of it that's outside my W's control, for sure.

 

But she's never felt sexy. For almost all of our marriage I used to tell her she was, but she's never believed me. When we were younger, maybe it didn't matter so much. Now we're both older, and it takes some work to be sexy, she doesn't know how to, or think that she can be.

[jwi71]

I simply don't want to lose the OW and our relationship if I can't patch up the complete relationship with my wife.

 

Seriously - you don't need to look any further than this to understand why your M is doomed and why MC isn't working. You are wasting your time, your W's time, your MC's time and your money by going.

 

You aren't working on the M. Its a farce. Look, if you don't love your W anymore that's fine. It happens. Go ahead and file for D. No one will blame you for "growing apart".

 

But dump the OW too. SHE deserves to be more than YOUR backup plan. Do you have any integrity? Really. You string your W along while pining for the OW who you keep "just in case". Here you are, knowingly stringing along both women for... well what?

 

And don't tell me you love them both and don't want to hurt them. Because all you are doing is hurting them. Stop being WEAK.

 

MAN UP. Make a decision Hamlet and stick to it. Pick a woman.

 

I've come to see, though, that I can't afford try to hedge my bets (it won't work), and I need to commit.

 

You need to come clean to your W AND your OW. Tell each that they are the backup plan. Why try and rebuild the M when a significant part of your mind is on the OW?

 

And why keep the OW if you won't leave your W? Because you aren't working on your M and you aren't working on leaving.

 

My advice - D your W and dump the OW. Neither is a priority for you and ONE should be.

[norajane]

I simply don't want to lose the OW and our relationship if I can't patch up the complete relationship with my wife.

 

How is that different from what I said?

 

Oh, so OW is your back-up plan in case you decide you really don't want to have sex with your wife anymore. Well, at least it's clear to you what value the OW holds for you, and what the purpose is for you continuing contact with her.

 

Maybe you ought to share that with OW and your wife, and they will make the decision easier for you.

 

If you can't be honest with yourself, it's no surprise you can't be honest with either your wife or your OW, either.

[MSUE]

It sounds like its at a point of no return...I mean really its been 7-8 years feeling like a sister more than a W? It just might be too late at this point...be fair to your wife and walk away...she deserves to move on herself...and I think there's a lesson for all women to learn...to take care of ourselves and not let ourselves go...just because you are married or living together doesn't mean that our SO won't look or be tempted or won't cheat...its important to keep the passion and fire going...when your SO comes home from work doll up a Lil bit here and there. I currently don't work and live w my BF and I make sure to be all clean shaved showered and put on a lil bit of makeup on even if i stayed home the whole day...I can see that big smile a mile away...he does the same for me except he doesn't wear makeup LMAO:lmao:...

 

I'm not blaming her for your affair by any means it was your choice your decision. All I'm saying is unfortunately and this is based on your posts she let herself go a lil too much and slowly but surely it certainly affected your attraction for her...as well as your sexual desire for her but as this happened and I'm sure it didn't happen overnight you could have gone shopping with her and suggest certain things...shopping for lingerie together even visit the makeup counters at department stores and have her get a makeover while you shop for shoes or whatever and buy her some items she liked...there were so many lil things that could have been done and suggested along the way in order to keep that attraction that fire and now it seems a bit late...

[MSUE]

Seriously lets make her up a bit and see if that changes anything for you...or in your heart...seriously not just for you but I'm sure she'll end up feeling more confident and sexy in her own way...new hairdo helps too...if it works great if it doesn't she'll be dolled up to meet new people cause she deserves that as well

[DaBastert]

I've come to see, though, that I can't afford try to hedge my bets (it won't work), and I need to commit.

 

You hit the nail on the head. I spent 6 months separated from my wife and kids to come to the realisation that I needed to step away from BOTH my wife and the OW to have any shot at clarity. Maybe you can decide it's one over the other, but I GUARANTEE that you have ZERO chance with your wife while the OW is still in the picture. I've just lived it and speak from experience.

 

And after 3 weeks of NC with the OW, I'm seeing my wife in a whole new way. We have kids so contact is a must, but something different is going on. Whether it pans out or grows remains to be seen, but with no OW in the picture anymore, my mind is free to explore everything clearly. I won't kid you that no contact with the OW isn't killing me at least 70% of the time, but it gets a little easier day by day.

 

Good luck.

[jj33]

I know many people say their spouses let themselves go and they arent attracted anymore. Personally that is not something I can relate to so this may be pie in the sky but:

 

for couples who make it through many years and continue to find each other attractive, or couples who fall in love in their 50s, 60s or 70s.... the attraction is not all about looks. There is sexual attraction (even if performance may vary...) and affection between them.

 

Why? Because its based more on whether there are a few extra pounds, or wrinkles. It based on what they find in each other as people.

 

If looks are the major criteria, then you will "outgrow" any woman. If she doesnt gain weight, then she may get wrinkles. Plastic surgery is a possibility but certain partso f the body will still look old. A 60 year old no matter how fit, will never have the body of a 30 year old.

 

If that is your criteria will you ever be happy with anyone once she loses her youthful glow?

 

Is the OW much younger than your wife? Or is your W in her 30s and has simply "let herself go" while she is raising your children and taking care of the house etc etc etc. Either way are you being fair?

 

For some men, having a trophy wife is very important. Or they are wired so that they are only attracted to a certain type of woman.

 

I dont want to be unfair. Hopefully this is not just a case of wanting a "fit" wife but instead is a symptom of emotional distance in the relationship. Maybe if you got the emotional intimacy back, the "extra curves" wouldnt bother you so much.

 

Either way, forget the OW. Let her go and find someone who wants her unequivocably. Shes not just a piece on the side who is there if you cant find it in yourself to sleep with your wife. Unless of course she is only in it for fun and sex too. Otherwise it is awfully unfair to her.

[MSUE]

"let herself go" while she is raising your children and taking care of the house etc etc etc. Either way are you being fair?

 

 

 

There are plenty of women who raise the children and continue to take care of themselves and their body not just for themselves but for their spouse as well.Perfect example my mother...she raised 5 girls and always looked and still looks great takes care of herself in every sense of the word meaning spiritually emotionally mentally and physically...there are so many little things that woman can do that take very lil time or effort to feel and look sexy...for some couples physical attractions are more important than others...

[Britt]

How is that different from what I said?

 

You implied it was just about sex. That I saw the OW merely as a something on the side, or even somewhere to turn to for sex when things weren't working out with my W. My point is it's about a future together.

[Britt]

If looks are the major criteria, then you will "outgrow" any woman. If she doesnt gain weight, then she may get wrinkles. Plastic surgery is a possibility but certain partso f the body will still look old. A 60 year old no matter how fit, will never have the body of a 30 year old.

 

If that is your criteria will you ever be happy with anyone once she loses her youthful glow?

 

Is the OW much younger than your wife? Or is your W in her 30s and has simply "let herself go" while she is raising your children and taking care of the house etc etc etc. Either way are you being fair?

 

For some men, having a trophy wife is very important. Or they are wired so that they are only attracted to a certain type of woman.

 

I dont want to be unfair. Hopefully this is not just a case of wanting a "fit" wife but instead is a symptom of emotional distance in the relationship. Maybe if you got the emotional intimacy back, the "extra curves" wouldnt bother you so much.

 

The OW is 4 years younger than my W. Mid-40's versus late 40's. I'm not robbing the cradle or looking for a trophy.

 

The A was a strong emotional connection to a woman I also find physically very attractive. I know she'll age, too, but I think I'm wired to her type, too, which helps from that perspective.

[Britt]

...as well as your sexual desire for her but as this happened and I'm sure it didn't happen overnight you could have gone shopping with her and suggest certain things...shopping for lingerie together even visit the makeup counters at department stores and have her get a makeover while you shop for shoes or whatever and buy her some items she liked...there were so many lil things that could have been done and suggested along the way in order to keep that attraction that fire and now it seems a bit late...

 

I've bought lingerie which never was worn. I've bought outfits that remain on hangers. Maybe I could have done more, but I don't think then, at least, that she could, because of her own self-image.