How Can I Stop Thinking About the OW?

[Britt]

Several months ago my wife of 20+ years found out about my affair, which had been on and off for 2+ years.

 

It's been difficult for both of us, but I think I want us to stay together, and she is giving me another chance. We've had therapy together and individually, and I believe we've made a lot of progress in many ways. Its still a raw nerve, but it's something we can and do talk about.

 

I have a couple of problems, though: We're having trouble being physically intimate, mostly on my part (cuddling is OK, but no sex), and I still have thoughts and feelings for the OW that I can't shake, to the point that we've recently started exchanging platonic e-mails (the OW and I both miss the friendship; I think it's more than that for both of us though).

 

I think I want the future to be with my wife, but I can't get the OW out of my head. And right now I'm hurting my wife, the OW and myself. Help!

[KismetGirl]

Several months ago my wife of 20+ years found out about my affair, which had been on and off for 2+ years.

 

It's been difficult for both of us, but I think I want us to stay together, and she is giving me another chance. We've had therapy together and individually, and I believe we've made a lot of progress in many ways. Its still a raw nerve, but it's something we can and do talk about.

 

I have a couple of problems, though: We're having trouble being physically intimate, mostly on my part (cuddling is OK, but no sex), and I still have thoughts and feelings for the OW that I can't shake, to the point that we've recently started exchanging platonic e-mails (the OW and I both miss the friendship; I think it's more than that for both of us though).

 

I think I want the future to be with my wife, but I can't get the OW out of my head. And right now I'm hurting my wife, the OW and myself. Help!

 

 

I can't seem to help notice how much you say "I THINK I want to stay with my wife". I would imagine the first step in this matter entirely is to make a definitive decision on whether or not you want to stay with your wife or not. Being wishy washy about it is going to be really hard to focus on repairing a relationship, when you don't even know if you want to stay in the relationship. Which I imagine is partly why you can't seem to stop thinking about OW yet.....you really need to figure that out first. Until you firmly decide you want to work on your marriage and stay with your wife, you'll never get anywhere further.

 

So....what is it then?

[Britt]

But that's my problem. The uncertainty which is stopping me making a break, one way or the other.

[KismetGirl]

But that's my problem. The uncertainty which is stopping me making a break, one way or the other.

 

Ok, Britt, but the problem is that neither me, nor anyone else on this board, can make that decision for you. i can rant and go on and on about my opinions on how to best deal with EITHER working on your marriage OR forgetting the OW, or leaving your marriage, but I can't MAKE the decision on which one of these routes you want to take for you.....get what Im saying?

 

Even if you decide that staying with your wife is what you really want to do, chances are you don't forget about OW right away anyway, if you did care about her, it's only natural.

 

So, let's try this for advice....for now, since you seem to think you may want to work on the marriage....then do that. Continue to go to marriacge counseling, as well as individual therapy. As hard as it may be, tell the OW that you don't know what you want and are trying to figure it out. Tell her you CANNOT speak to her right now. No emails, no texts, no phone calls- nothing. If she cares, she will understand. You are fooling yourself if you think you can be "friends" with her. I fool myself into thinking me and my MM can be friends and it's bullsh*t. Because there are too many emotions involved right now.

 

It will confuse you too much to keep speaking to her while you are doing marriage counseling and you will never come to a conclusion. Give your wife the courtesy of putting your attention to your marriage counseling. if after some time you see that this is just not working, then leave the marriage. It isn't fair to you, and especially not to your wife. The only way you will realize if it's your marriage that's important to you, or if you want to leave, is if you do NOT speak to the OW right now, because it will cloud your ability to think clearly. You should NOT leave a marriage because of SOMEONE ELSE. You shoud leave a marriage because the MARRIAGE no longer makes you happy. The OW should have nothing to do with you staying or leaving a marriage. Get what Im saying?

[Britt]

You're right, and it makes sense. I know I have to make the decision, but is it "normal", whatever that means, to been so torn like this, and so uncertain?

[whichwayisup]

but I think I want us to stay together

 

to the point that we've recently started exchanging platonic e-mails (the OW and I both miss the friendship; I think it's more than that for both of us though).

Your marriage doesn't have a chance if you're still communicating with the OW. Does your wife know you two are back in contact and more or less now having an emotional affair? It isn't platonic, so don't fool yourself into believing you and the OW can be friends. It isn't fair to your wife, or to your OW. Your OW needs to heal so you keeping her in your life because you 'miss' her is cruel to her. It's not fair to your wife because she's giving you a chance to make things right again and you're betraying her by keeping the OW in your life quietly. It's only a matter of time before this blows up.

 

You need time to figure out WHO it is you want. The OW who brought new and exciting feelings into your life, someone who makes you feel good..Or the woman you married, someone you share a family with, built a life with, have a history with, the woman who is there for you through thick and thin - NOT just for the fun times, but REAL life. What you shared with the OW is based in an affair setting, behind your wife's back.. The only way to figure it out is to cut contact with the OW and try to see if you can focus ONLY on your wife and fixing the marriage. Give it your best and atleast if it doesn't work, you two can divorce..It would be awful for everyone if you left your wife for the OW and then 2 months later realized you made the choice.

[KismetGirl]

You're right, and it makes sense. I know I have to make the decision, but is it "normal", whatever that means, to been so torn like this, and so uncertain?

 

Of course it's normal to feel uncertain and torn between people. If you're looking to "normalcy" as an excuse for what you're doing, its not. Just cause all the other kids are doing it doesnt mean its to be done. Emotions run rampant, you can't really control thm, but what you can do is control your actions and how you address your emotions. You need focus. You can't do that if you continue speaking to the OW while you are also trying to decide what to do with your marriage. It'll never work.

 

Anyway, you like the OW, but perhaps still care for your W and are used to a life with her. No one likes divorce, no one likes changing everything in life, it's a scary transition, but until you decide what it is you want to do everyone will be in some crappy limbo and you will feel worse and worse. Cut off communication with the OW until you decide what youre doing with your marriage. You can't keep speaking with her and expect to make a rational decision about anything. You'll still think about her, but as days go by without any contact I suspect you'll find it easier to focus on what is at hand- namely, whether youre going to fix this marriage, or if you want to leave it. Because as I said, the OW shoudl have no bearing on that decision. That's something between you and your wife alone.

[stampdaddy]

dont be a douche... you KNOW what to do, so do it! put yourself in you wifes shoes, think about it over the entire weekend. watch EVERY move she makes, then translate your AFFAIR into those moves. If you need to, nest weekend, do the same with your CHILDREN. IMAGINE what is going through thier minds and hearts about YOU while you are dinkin' your girlfriend.....

[boldjack]

Dude, You need to manup and choose. As you are right now, the affair hasn't ended, only the physical part. You are still emotionally cheating on your wife, and emotionally abusing the ow. You have considerably more than a couple of problems. Do I need to make a list? Let's see, you are cowardly, weak, lazy, dishonest, cruel and ignorant, to name a few. Your selfish whining is disgusting. I was the same way until I became a real man instead of a cheating male. Stop thinking about yourself for a change and put these two ladies first. Make your decision, stick to it and try to be a better man in the future.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe he needs to be totally alone. Away from his wife and kids and away from the OW so he can think of what life will be like with and without them both.

 

The key word actually is 'both'.. He's gotten so used to having TWO women fulfill his needs. He's obviously having major withdrawal, hense the contact and emails starting up. It's only a matter of time before he sneaks off to meet her if he doesn't stop the contact with the OW. Funny thing is, (well not so funny) if he did go to the OW, it wouldn't take long for him to want to go back and be with his wife and kids..

 

Please continue talking this out in counselling, with your wife there as well. She needs to be included in your confused state because SHE may decide SHE doesn't want to stick around and wait for you to choose between her and the OW. You do have a time limit here, so don't think in 3-6 months that you can still sit on the fence and not be sure which woman you want.

[norajane]

You're right, and it makes sense. I know I have to make the decision, but is it "normal", whatever that means, to been so torn like this, and so uncertain?

 

If you were a strong-minded, confident, decisive individual who was able and willing to face his problems head-on in an honest way and work through them, no, it would not be normal for you to be so torn and uncertain.

 

But if you were a strong-minded, confident, decisive individual who is able and willing to face his problems head-on in an honest way and work through them, you wouldn't have chosen an affair in the first place. You would have decided to work on your marriage, or would have decided to end your marriage and THEN found someone else to be with.

 

So, yes, this wishy-washy, cake-eating behavior is perfectly normal for you. You've been that guy for at least 2 years, maybe your whole life.

[Britt]

It must be nice to be as strong as apparently almost all of you are: Decisive and knowing your minds so well in matters of the heart. Before this happened I'd only ever slept with my wife, and didn't have many relationships. I'm floundering right now because this is so far outside my experience, even from my single days.

 

I agree that how things are right now is not fair to anybody, my W, the OW and me as well, and I know there's no way out without pain somewhere or everywhere. I guess I know the answer as well that I need to stop trying to have it both ways. The problem is this affair wasn't a brief fling with the OW, and to end it when we still love each other is so painful, which is why it's so difficult, but against that is 20 years with my wife, even if the last 7 years or so have been ones of increasing emotional and physical distance.

 

This would never have happened without the emotional and physical distance. Now that it has happened there's no physical attraction for me. Can I get that back with my W, and if so, how?

[jwi71]

It must be nice to be as strong as apparently almost all of you are: Decisive and knowing your minds so well in matters of the heart.

 

Stop being so defensive. Look, no one is that strong during the "thick of it". WE can speak like this as we are no longer in that affair fog, have gone through months if not years of "this" and have the benefit of hindsight (along with our own experiences). Everyone here knows EXACTLY what you are going through. Well, not me per se (Im a BS not a cheater) but I have seen this in my wife and others.

 

Before this happened I'd only ever slept with my wife, and didn't have many relationships. I'm floundering right now because this is so far outside my experience, even from my single days

That's one lame excuse my friend. To try and claim its extra hard for you because of limited dating/sexual history is bunk. Its hard on everyone. Stop being defensive and making excuses - face yourself, the A and your W. Enough HIDING. You can't make progress by making excuses and trying to explain it away.

 

I agree that how things are right now is not fair to anybody, my W, the OW and me as well, and I know there's no way out without pain somewhere or everywhere.

Much better. Face this. Understand YOUR position, your W's postilion and the OW's position.

 

I guess I know the answer as well that I need to stop trying to have it both ways.

Yup. You MUST choose your path. You cannot have both women - its not fair to ANYONE. And, as you already know, having an A is stressful. And hell, who needs MORE stress in their life?

 

The problem is this affair wasn't a brief fling with the OW, and to end it when we still love each other is so painful, which is why it's so difficult, but against that is 20 years with my wife, even if the last 7 years or so have been ones of increasing emotional and physical distance.

If you love the OW, why NOT D your wife and build a new life with the OW?

What is keeping you home? You don't feel close, you don't feel sexually attracted to her - why stay? Simply tell your W the marriage has reached its natural (?) conclusion and its time for BOTH of you to move on.

 

IF you love your W, why NOT give up the OW and focus on your M?

 

If you are still in MC then you need to fess up with your W present. Tell her (and your MC) your indecision. Tell your MC and your W what you are saying here.

 

I would say this, go to 4 more MC sessions with each focused on you and what you want and your W's reactions. Tell your W and the MC you still have routine contact with the OW. Be open, candid and honest. At the end of those four sessions, you either quit the OW or you quit MC and file for D.

 

Its an utter waste of time an money to go to MC whilst still communicating with your lover. Its self defeating. End one or the other, the one you quit is your decision.

[WalkOnWater]

I was in your position last year, and I found it impossibly difficult. I too, could not get the OW off my mind no matter how much I tried. One piece of advice that you've been given and that I totally agree with is to be completely honest w/ your W and MC. I'm sure you're having a hard time sleeping at night, and living with lies and half-truths will only make it worse. It'll be hard to tell your W everything b/c you won't want to hurt her, but she deserves to know what she's dealing with.

 

Just like you, I was M'd a long time and we grew apart emotionally and physically. After the A, there was no sexual attraction on my part either. I wondered, just like you, could I get it back? There are others I've seen on these forums who have recovered, but it's never easy. I was not able to and finally left my W. But the OW couldn't handle the fallout, and we no longer have a R. So if you decide to leave your W, be prepared to lose the OW as well, and make sure you're ok w/ that.

 

I know what you're going through, uncertainty, guilt, regret, wondering what to do, the thoughts go round and round, don't they? From my experience, there is no easy answer. It's almost like you're on the most turbulent emotional roller-coaster ride of your life, and you just have to wait it out and see what happens. And I know how you feel about the advice you've been given here, that "it must be nice to be as strong as apparently almost all of you are." I'm sure you feel that some of the posters don't understand your situation, otherwise how could they be so harsh, right? I think most are trying to help you figure out what you want. And that really is the key for you, to figure out what you want.

 

Keep posting, keep asking questions, talk w/ your W, tell her how you feel, be completely honest w/ her, if she loves you, she will try to help you. You WILL eventually figure this out, but it won't be easy, and it may take longer than you think. Good luck.

[quankanne]

This would never have happened without the emotional and physical distance. Now that it has happened there's no physical attraction for me. Can I get that back with my W, and if so, how?

 

you'll never get it back if you've got it at the back of your mind that you'll always have your mistress to go back to. That's kinda like going into marriage fully believing that you "can always get divorced." If you intend to go into the relationship with this woman you plan to/have married with that kind of mindset, why are you even wasting HER time if you have a built-in plan for failure?

 

as for the emotional and physical distance, remember there are the TWO of y'all in this relationship ... and you are fully responsible for it's demise or success as well. If she was becoming emotionally or physically distant, what was your role?

 

though you may feel this way, you're not exactly helpless. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM THIS MARRIAGE? And are you willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that? Including cutting off cold turkey the woman you've been dallying with on the side so that you can deal with the primary issue of healing your marriage?

[grogster]

What are your goals? If you want your marriage to survive, you must go cold turkey. Absolute no contact. Never again. No more.

 

The OW is toxic to your marriage, your family and you.

 

If you want to continue the Affair by other means and continue the long, slow and painful dissolution of your marriage and family, keep communicating with the OW. In doing so, you get the worst of both worlds: no sex with the woman you want (the OW), and no sex with the woman who wants you (the Wife).

 

Or you could separate from your Wife, and try to get your head back on straight. Just get away from both women until you're prepared to move on--married or not.

 

Right now, though, you're no one's husband, and no one's lover.

[RoadtoRepair]

Wow.. My W and I are trying VERY hard to get past my A and OW has gone total 'BUNNY BOLIER" with harassing emails and lettermails. How can you be so torn between the two knowing all the hurt you have caused. I can barely face my wife through her tears.

 

The only way is NO CONTACT (NC) PERIOD and you have to move on.. unless you don't want to and in that case, do the decent thing and leave your W...

 

As long as you contact OW she will control you.. any contact is something to her.. IT IS OVER.. NOTHING IS FAIR IN AFFAIRS, YOU OWE HER NOTHING. And on that token your W owes you nothing either so be DAMN THANKFUL she is giving you this chance.

 

Learn from my mistake and my aftermath,.. MAKE A DECISION AND MAKE IT NOW.. stop fooling yourself and your wife...

 

MANUP

[jj33]

Britt if it makes you feel any better, the feelings dont always vanish on the OWs side either. Its not easy to just shut off feelings unless you are crystal clear that you want to save your marriage at all costs - then perhaps you are scared into action by the thought of losing the marriage. But that is not your case you are on the fence.

 

It will take time, time which hopefully your W will give you or you may not have the same dilemma anymore. Once you decide you want to try to fix your marriage and make it a work without deception without the A, then you will have to face some hard truths.

 

1. When you are in an A you are not really anywhere - you are not in a full relationship with the OW and you are not fully participating in your marriage. You are failing everyone including yourself. You are a bystander in your own life. I dont say that harshly but unless you have an open marriage and the OW is happy with being part of a triangle (very unusual) then noones needs are being met including yours. And everyone is being decieved.

 

2. Everyone hopes if they leave their marriage the relationship that started as an A will blossom into the love of their life and they will live happily ever after. Sometimes that happens sometimes it doesnt.

 

My suspicion is that this is what you are worried about. Do I leave and go into the great unknown, what if i leave and I end up alone. which brings us to 3.

 

3. A marriage is not a rest stop where you can put your feet up and wait until a guarantee of lifetime happiness comes along. Or it shouldnt be it is in many cases by default, but that is not a good marriage at least by my definition.

 

If you are thinking of leaving but cant face the thought of the great unkown, then maybe you arent ready to leave. That being said, if you stay, you owe it to yourself and your W to stay and commit to making the marriage work.

 

Sitting on the fence is not fair to anyone and may just land you in a position where SHE files for divorce because noone wants to be anyone else's back up plan (oh I will just sit here until I decide what I want).

 

Im not being glib I was involved with a man who finds himself in your position. Not wanting to divorce but not satisfied in the marriage and not seeing any way to make it better. Some couples decide to stay together that way forever. Its not ideal.

 

My heart goes out to you. I hope you find some peace with this. But while you are finding your way staying out of contact with the OW is the best thing you can do for yourself. Dont treat her like an option either. If you dont know what you want, dont keep her hanging on. You are both feeding each other's need to think that maybe someday you have a future together if only... That doesnt help anyone get over anything. Believe me I have lived that dream (or nightmare as the case may be).

 

IF you decide to leave then maybe you and the OW do have a shot but keeping her as a lifeline in the meantime will only deteriorate your relationship (or at least that is what happened to me, the longer that went on, the more immune I became to his attentions). Its brutal on both sides.

[whichwayisup]

This would never have happened without the emotional and physical distance. Now that it has happened there's no physical attraction for me. Can I get that back with my W, and if so, how?

 

Which you were part of, by choice. The distance between you and your wife, you both let that happen and you chose to let another woman into your heart. That choice wasn't and ISN'T going to fix things at home, all that did was make it worse and screw you up in the head, and turned everything your wife feels for you upside down. Loss of trust, faith, respect..

 

Focus on yourself, your wife and kids. Could you imagine not seeing your kids daily? Waking them up in the morning, putting them to bed, cuddling with them whenever you want to? THAT is stuff you will give up if you choose the OW. The OW isn't a part of your daily life, entwined with friends and family. In the affair world it's just YOU and HER, nobody else..

 

Bottomline is, if you feel you want a life with the OW and think it'll be better than what you have right now at home with your wife and kids, then be honest and tell that to your wife. To keep both women hanging is only going to make it worse for everyone.

[Britt]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies and the sensitivity, too. The most recent comments really were accurate and hit the nail on the head.

 

After everything came out I immediately made my decision to stay with my wife, if she'd have me. All the intertwined experiences and the family life seemed more important than anything else. I'm genuinely thankful she gave me another chance, which I certainly didn't deserve.

 

But as time has gone by, and we return closer to "normal" then the bad things about normal that were there all along, especially the lack of connection and intimacy are back as well. That's why I'm having second thoughts. The reasons (NOT the justification) for why I made the mistake of the affair are still there, and knowing that the OW is still there as well just increases the temptation, the temptation I've partially given in to in reopening communication.

 

I'm worried that maybe my W and I can't go back, and that sticking together is the wrong choice. The lack of physical attraction is a big part of why I'm thinking that. And if that's the case, I don't want to lose the OW.

 

The right thing to do is stick by my decision, and be strong. Work at rebuilding with my W. But the immediate uncertainty isn't helping. I'm not looking for a guarantee. Just hope.

[MSUE]

If you want to stay with your wife you have to do it for the right reasons...she is a saint to give you another chance...the lack of physical attraction is however a big concern because its affecting your intimacy and marriage is not just about about partnership, teamwork and or children if you have them...intimacy is also a big part of marriage or any relationship for that matter...Is there anything that your wife can do to make herself more appealing and sexy to you? can you get that back? if not ...how can you go on going to bed every night w her and think about the OW? here's a thing too just because she is your wife and she has willingly given you a second chance doesn't mean that is necessarily the right decision for you...take time off from this mess go away for a weekend anywhere and really decide what's best for you...

[jj33]

Im sure I will get flamed for this and I come to this from the other perspective but WHY is staying necessarily the right choice other than everyone says it is.

 

It is certainly a better choice if you think you can make it work. Its a marriage its a committment to yourself to her to each other and to your family.

 

But were you ever attracted to your wife? Why did the attraction cease? Because saying we went through a bad patch but we can work it out and that there is a lack of physical attraction is a whole different story.

 

Obviously you are not someone who can stick with it despite the lack of physical attraction.

 

If you cant ever get that back is that a life you will be happy with? If not then it would seem to me that leaving is the better choice. Otherwise you are bound to go through this again.

 

The big issue is whether the attraction was ever really there. If it was then there is hope you can rekindle that. If it never really was then that is a whole different story.

[grogster]

Marital sex can't hold a candle to hot affair sex. It's like the 1939 film, The Wizard of Oz.

 

The Affair is like the Land of Oz--all is in bright, powerful rainbow colors. You feel alive, potent, sexy and masterful in and out of bed. But it's a mirage--all shadows and mirrors (like the mighty Wizard).

 

The Marriage is like Kansas--drab, dreary, flat and in black and white. It's like working on a farm--the hours are long, the work is hard,etc. But it's real, substantial--it's Home.

 

The question is whether you sincerely want to return to (or stay in) Kansas once you've visited Oz.

 

The fact that the OW remains out there makes your marriage even less desireable. I sense you want to do the right thing, but that you don't really feel it.

 

My prediction: When this is all over you won't be in Oz or Kansas. You'll be no one's husband, and no one's boy friend.

[jj33]

Grogster doesnt that take us back to the famous quote, when you marry the mistress you create a vacancy?

 

It seems all roads lead to Kansas tho perhaps a different neighborhood. Because following your logic, if you marry the mistress, then Oz fades and becomes Kansas.

[norajane]

I'm worried that maybe my W and I can't go back, and that sticking together is the wrong choice. The lack of physical attraction is a big part of why I'm thinking that. And if that's the case, I don't want to lose the OW.

Oh, so OW is your back-up plan in case you decide you really don't want to have sex with your wife anymore. Well, at least it's clear to you what value the OW holds for you, and what the purpose is for you continuing contact with her.

 

Maybe you ought to share that with OW and your wife, and they will make the decision easier for you.