Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!!

[Nekra]

We are both married & I have a child. We both met at University , he was my practice teacher. Fall in love but one day I was so drunk that I kept calling him and he was almost caught up by his wife. We decided to call it off. I behaved in a very immature way. He was my first love (my husband was my first man in my life but I was never in love with him). After we split up we didnt see each other for 2 years. We met for dinner one night and we realised that feelings are still there..so we decided to go away for a weekend. We slept together however the following morning he became a different person . He would avoid me and would asked me not to talk about us (as he disclosed later according to him my expectation were too high as he believed that I wanted to get involved romantically). Believe me that was not the case as I have family and I know this is impossible. My problem here was that his behaviour brought me back to a shocking experience when I was raped something that I never disclosed to him before. Trust me this time was even worse because now my integrity was raped by a person who meant a world to me. It was only through him that I overcome the consequencies of rape and that is why he meant a world to me as he made me feel like a woman. I was really depressed for a year. After a year we met in a social event where after a few drinks he insisted that I go with him for dinner. It was too late and I had to get home...he said if you can find an excuse I'll wait for you until tommorrow. Angry because I couldnt make it and because I couldnt understand this sudden change in his behaviour I texted him: Mission impossible ..passionate love to follow(referring to my husband meaning tha he is the only one that can have me whenever he feels). He got hurt but again we kept in touch and we saw each other but always in friends company.One night we became so affectionate and apssionate he acted like a teenager he couldnt hide his feelings and couldnt control himself and he didnt have anything to drink. He was so passionate (unless he facked it) that words cannot decribe, never saw him like that. I told him that I cant be his picture in the wall to put me on and off whenever it suits him and out of anger or(I dont know why) maybe because I was so frustrated that he didnt show his feelings in this way before which made me suffer a lot. I told him:I dont love you, I only want to f.. with you and when I asked him what about you: he said you are my champagne and I promise there is noone else in my life. We left in good terms. However he never contacted me again. I did send him some text to which he replied very briefly. I phoned him after 3 months and he only answered my questions. Confused and hurt by this I send him a text apologising for my absence due to my commitments and asking him to go out for lunch and catch up. No response. When I called him to see what is happening he asked me to never contact him again, saying that I am not simple but very complicated.

When my friend asked him about us he called me immature, and that he didnt want to discuss me, claiming he is not upset or angry he is just not bothered.

 

I send so many emails and he never responded...when I called him after some time he claimed: its not you its just me, I have decided to cutt off contacts with you and some other friends.

I'm sorry about so many info but I wanted to give you as much info as possible as I feel betrayed, hurt and confused. He is a person who had a lot of respect for me and always had my best interest at heart. Why did he turn himself into a monster and treat me so cruelly instead of telling me what is going on. If there is a change in his heart or whatever the reason I would have accepted it gracefully because we were inseperable friends before getting intimate with each other. I am so devastated that I cannot understand why cant we be friends, as being lovers was out of options any way. I take it so badly as this was my first positive experience with a man. I was abandoned my mmy father as a child, lost my brother, I was raped 7years ago whch left me with trauma that I never enjoyed sex untill I met this man and have been cheated over and over again by my husband. In this man I believed that I found something that I have been missing all my life. I am more affected by the way he treated me lately and the way he communicated his decission rather than losing him. We were in so called "contracted relationship" as we were both married.

 

Men's input would be very much appreciated as I know I will have women's empathy and I'm sure they will feeel the pain with me.

Geishwhelk are you alive...I am really in need of your wise words and comfort...and everyone else please how do you see this situation as a third party.

 

Im in NC for 5 weeks but a part of me believe that I deserve to be told the truth which will help me move on based on the fact that I am not expecting to get back with him for obvious reasons. I want to know what made him lose respect for me and treat me so cruelly.

"God grant me the serenity to accept things that I cant change, change the ones I can ,and wisdom to know the difference".

[Island Girl]

You had an affair.

 

You are very confused and you say you don't want anything romantic - yet you sleep together.

 

He has a family and they need to be his priority. It sounds like he got his head on straight and now wants nothing to do with you.

 

You are married and have a child. You need to put your energy and focus where it can do the most good and that is in your own family.

 

He is done and your actions since him calling it off are immature and way off base.

 

He owes you nothing.

 

He does not owe you any explanation or any attention. He has made it perfectly clear he does not want any contact so quit e-mailing him, etc. to try to get some kind of closure.

 

You have your closure. He is done with all of it.

[redmelon]

It sounds to me like you need to spend time working on the issues you have with men as a result of your past, and maybe you won't continue to allow yourself to get in situations like this in the future. He made it clear what he is doing, and you need to accept that. He isn't being a bit wishy-washy about it. He doesn't owe you more than that, and it's perfectly reasonable to think that anyone would wake up one day in a situation like this and be like WTF am I doing?! I think he did you a favor, it sounds like a mess. Could you ever really feel fulfilled in a situation like this? Don't you believe in karma at all? Maybe you can find some comfort in learning more about yourself, and what you've become as a result of your life experiences, and then change your situation so you have a chance for true happiness. Best of luck.

[Nekra]

Please dont judge me. I already told you that I ws living in an unhappy marriage where I was cheated many times and I was never in love with him. It was a pyre set up.

 

I wouldnt want you to dismiss the fact that I do have trust issues with men. It was my first time to faeel the power of love and the emotion it gives you. I knew that it wasnt right but I went for it while aware there is no expectation on either side.

 

I'm not upset it ended but the way it ended. I cant understand his attitude and the way he communicated his decision.

Why cant I be his friend as before and stop any sort of any intimacy between us. He could have communicated his decission in a more matured and civilised way as adults do. As I told you we met regularly as friends and in other friends company only once in a year or 2 happened to sleep together.

I have to tell you that we are both academic people and we had a lot of respect for each other.

He was aware of my trauma in the past and my trust issues...why I was treated like a disposal, when I believed that it was friendship that was getting us together. I didnt lose a lover I lost a loyal friend and I dont know why....

[Island Girl]

Why cant I be his friend as before and stop any sort of any intimacy between us.

 

You may want to be friends but he doesn't.

 

He has a choice as well and he does not wish any further contact with you.

 

If you respect and care about him then you should respect his wishes - even though it may not be the relationship you want.

[Nekra]

Thanks for your time you time to listen to my complicated story of woe..

 

I totally agree with you and his decission. I'm only unhappy with the way he communicated it to me ...after a wonderful evening, followed by months of no contact. Out of blue I became a stranger and an unimportant person in his life. We didnt meet in brothel, night club or in the street. We were colleagues and were inseperable friends before getting close in an intimate way.

 

I believed I deserved to be told the truth. I am more hurt by the fact that he was already aware about my trust issues with men...I WAS RAPED..trauma which I believed left me emotionaly disabled for life ..until I met him. So, that is why he was so important and special to me as he digged me out of a black hole and made me feel as a normal woman. omething that I was craving to be. However, with his recent atittude, I'm back to square 1. I feel that my integrity was raped this time by someone who meant a world to me.

He always claimed that despite his feelings he has a lot of respect for me and my family stability/security. I am also aware that with him I have lost ,my moral, eticks and respect but it ws my life opportunity to feel a woman in love and I was so weak and I couldnt controle it.

 

If he was to communicate his decision in a civilised and matured way as adults do, trust me I wouldnt be writing in this forum today.

I hope that among this wonderful. supportive ,clever people ,someone will pick up something that maybe I missed while being involved with him emotionaly ...something that pushed him treat me so disgracefuly. You can not imagine the hurt he caused when I only called to say hi to him after a long time of no contact to be told not to ever contact him again!!!

 

I know that I need to move on and try to live my life as best as I can,thank him for what he gave me. There are always going to be people who will help us, hurt us, support us love us and leave us and maybe this willl help us to turn into person that we were meant to be.

 

Many, many thanks

[Island Girl]

He was so passionate (unless he facked it) that words cannot decribe, never saw him like that. I told him that I cant be his picture in the wall to put me on and off whenever it suits him and out of anger or(I dont know why) maybe because I was so frustrated that he didnt show his feelings in this way before which made me suffer a lot. I told him:I dont love you, I only want to f.. with you and when I asked him what about you: he said you are my champagne and I promise there is noone else in my life. We left in good terms. However he never contacted me again. I did send him some text to which he replied very briefly. I phoned him after 3 months and he only answered my questions. Confused and hurt by this I send him a text apologising for my absence due to my commitments and asking him to go out for lunch and catch up. No response. When I called him to see what is happening he asked me to never contact him again, saying that I am not simple but very complicated.

When my friend asked him about us he called me immature, and that he didnt want to discuss me, claiming he is not upset or angry he is just not bothered.

 

I send so many emails and he never responded...when I called him after some time he claimed: its not you its just me, I have decided to cutt off contacts with you and some other friends.

 

The way you behaved was immature.

 

For instance, you told him, "you can not just put me on and off when it suits you". But what else could he do - being that he is married and therefor already has a woman who demands much from him and the majority of his time?

 

You also told him, "I don't love you I only want to f___ with you". Again, extremely immature and hurtful if he cared as he said he did - and as you say you both did. You were supposed to be close friends who respect each other -? That comment doesn't show a whole lot of respect.

 

He never contacted you since that time. It was then that he was done messing around and you have shown yourself to be unstable in the past (when you got drunk and called him repeatedly and almost got him in trouble with his wife). So his best course of action is to cut you off completely.

It is what anyone here on LS would advise him to do if he was writing in and telling the same story.

 

You further proved you don't access situations properly when after the last incident you apologized for your absence because of commitments when it seems that he was angry about your comments and your treatment of him. You seem completely oblivious to that. Which only shows him that you are indeed very complicated, immature, and your perception is off which for a MM spells Trouble.

 

Then you had a friend ask about the two of you to find out information which is how we behaved in high school. Again extremely immature which is what he said.

 

Then you send a bunch of e-mails that he completely ignores but you still don't get the hint.

 

So you call him and then he tells you point blank he wants nothing to do with you and has cut off communication.

 

Does that help you see how it seems like you would be a dangerous person to have in his life if he wants to stay married and have no drama?

[Island Girl]

I really hope that does help.

 

And I do not mean to come across as callous or cruel.

 

It seems that you need straight forward blunt answers so that is what I tried to give you.

 

I was terribly abused as a child sexually, mentally, emotionally, and physically by strangers and close family members.

I was also almost raped twice - it was only circumstances that allowed me to escape.

 

So I am not minimizing what happened to you. I just have to tell you that it does not have to be what defines you or how you view men or relationships, etc.

It is just a chapter in the long book of your life. That chapter is done. You can look back on it because it is over. It is up to you to make your life today be about today and not the past.

 

I wish you well.

[Geishawhelk]

..I WAS RAPED..trauma which I believed left me emotionaly disabled for life ..until I met him. So, that is why he was so important and special to me as he digged me out of a black hole and made me feel as a normal woman. omething that I was craving to be. However, with his recent atittude, I'm back to square 1. I feel that my integrity was raped this time by someone who meant a world to me.

 

This portion of your post is very revealing.

 

It tells me one thing:

 

You don't love him.

 

You think you need him, because he validated your existence by helping you move past a previous hurt - but then you transferred your pain onto him, called it salvation, and now this has ended in rejection, you feel you're back to square one.

 

This is because you seek the validation of a man to convince you that your life, love and devotion is worthwhile.

 

I think you need counselling on this issue.

You might already have received counselling for the rape incident - but you're not over it, and you won't get over him, until you are guided into standing on your own two feet and finding your own individual strength.

This has actually nothing to do with him.

This has everything to do with your own self-image and desire to be loved unconditionally.

But you never will be, because you have imposed limitations on how much you value yourself.

In your eues, you don't come up to par.

You're damaged goods, and you believe that if a man could love you, then you'd be a better, healed person.

Well guess what?

It ain't so.

 

You have a husband with whom you share a bed, but you do not love him.

You have a son, who like it or not, want it or not, intend it or not, is influenced by your emotions and can pick up on the cr*a*p you are carrying like a magnet finds metal filings.

 

You need to get your house in order.

you need to sort out your relationship with your H. Whatever that entails.

You need to resign yourself to never contacting this man again, and being done with it.

You need to dedicate a healthy 'you' to your son.

And you need, above all, to create a healthy you.

 

So, how are you going to kick off?

[Nekra]

I cant thank you enough Geishawhelk and Island girl. You are reading me as a book and you know how to hit the right spot. You have no idea how important your opinions are to me. I have read your comments over and over again they are like a Bible to me now.

 

The reality is that yes I feel like I have messed up everything based in the fact that he knows my past and he will be able to understand my childish behaviour. But calling me a child I took as a compliment because he knew that I'm inexperienced and it is true that only children and animals love unconditionaly. I am aware that I made inoppropriate comments as I couldnt get used to a notion of being a sort of booty call to someone and I believed that he should be aware of the risk I had to take to be with him.

I am brought up in a conservative family and I am aware of my expectation as a wife and as a mother but I am also aware of the fact that I was let down by my husband and men generally in my life. It is a fact that is hard to swalow.

 

There is nothing in the world that I wouldnt do to take my comments back as it was the worst way to present myself and I wasnt being myself at all.

I dont want him back as I didnt have him anyway. I am not asking him to give me something that he doesnt have or give him something that I can not afford to offer. I dont want to be a home wreck as I was brought up by divorced parents myself.

I'm trying to convince myself that what he thinks about me is not going to dominate/control the way I feel about myself but is like a shadow that is hunting me everywhere.

I hope that God will forgive me as he knows that my intentions were not to hurt him but I need his understanding too as forgiveness is unacceptable at present knowing that he is too proud and probably too hurt at present.

Is there an emergency exit out of this cross road which doesnt let me move on..

Once again thank you to everyone for being so patient to support me in such a difficult situation. You are the only ones that I can trust and share this complicated and painful story. I feel Im not alone and I am honoured. It is like a gift from God at this difficult time for me.

 

"There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."

Paulo Coelho