sunshinegirl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't know if I'm describing the problem quite right...as I don't know if this is a flirtation issue or something else. But here goes - I've spent most of my adult life as an autonomous, self-supporting person and as a result, I have almost forgotten how to let a man take care of me. I run my own company. I pay my own bills. I carry my own luggage and packages. I change my own windshield wiper fluid. I shovel my own driveway. As a small example, if I'm with a guy (friend or romantic interest, doesn't matter) at a restaurant, the host/ess often makes eye contact with me and I find myself always answering the question "and whose name should I put down for the party of two?" I blurt out "SSG" before the guy even has a chance to do so. I caught myself doing that last week and wondered if little stuff like this is subtly signalling to a guy that I don't want/need "taking care of"... or if I am somehow emasculating him by always leaping into the lead. The thing is, I would LOVE a guy to carry my bags, change a broken headlamp, drop me off at the door while he searches for parking, etc. I think I need to learn, or remember, how to allow space so a guy can do things for me, without signaling that I'm a helpless female. Any ideas?
BCCA Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I would honestly find all of that very attractive. It sure beats the opposite, women expecting you to take care of them without earning it first. I don't think you need to worry about what you're doing wrong, I just think that you havent met anyone else. I would be really happy if I met someone who was independent like that.
Trialbyfire Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 ssg, you should consider the overall picture of dating and relationships. Take a look at the men you've found to be extremely attractive. Have you found yourself immediately allowing them to take initiative or have you always taken the initiative?
Author sunshinegirl Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks BCCA (*blush*). Maybe I need to meet someone like YOU in person. TBF: I have a mixed record of letting the guy take the initiative. In three of my major relationships, there was some degree of push-pull going on (with the first explicit signal of interest always coming from the guy, but then me having to make some move to keep things moving along); in the other two, the guys definitely 'led' and I responded. Unfortunately, the guys that I am viscerally and immediately attracted to these days always turn out to be married. I really want and need a man who is strong enough to lead with someone like me (who is (head)strong and can go toe-to-toe on most intellectual issues)...and who would enjoy 'caring' for me even while recognizing I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I think I'm afraid that I am scaring off even the good men with actions that may signal "I don't need a man" even though I don't mean to be sending that signal. And to bring it back to the flirting thing, it doesn't help that I am NOT good at stereotypical flirting behaviors, though I will cop to having a pretty smokin' hot bod that in itself should be a guy magnet. Unfortunately I'm usually a big klutz and am not what one might call "graceful"... and beyond that, I'm bad at sending an open, approachable vibe - which might be a defense mechanism. Oy - this is why I am on the cusp of taking a big time out from the dating scene. I'm stressing myself out!
Trialbyfire Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 The reason I asked you that question is that I'm similar to you, in that I'm headstrong. Unless a man makes me want to follow him by his decisiveness and later on, his good decisions in a relationship, it won't work. You can pretty much figure out that any man who can't go toe-to-toe with me, is a write off. This doesn't mean he has to be a jerk, with a my way or highway attitude. It just means he needs to know his stuff AND know how to handle me. If he can't, he's not the guy for me. Anyways, I guess I'm saying that not everyone is going to be the right person to have a relationship with. You also have to decide what you want to change about yourself and stick to it, if you honestly want to change. If not, it will be like double-vision for any future partners, the person you were while dating and the person you become after you relax.
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