five&dime Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I’m new here, so pardon my ignorance if I don’t use abbreviations and the proper lingo of the forum. I’ll keep it short and get to the point. On July 26th I discovered through emails that my wife was having an emotional affair (at the very least) with a single man British man she’s worked with for the past six years. There wasn’t a lot of lovey-dovey talk but enough to convince me instantly of an emotional affair. Things like “sleep tight” and “until tomorrow” and “Oh, you’re so intelligent…” were the types of things I read. There was more, but I’ll keep this short. I don’t think it ever went physical, but I’ll never know 100% Naturally, she denied what I was looking at, and I got the “just friends” song and dance. Of course, I spiraled and needed to find out more. I soon found 150 cell phone to cell phone calls between them. Still, full denials from her that it was any more than “just friends”. He’s the I.T. guy in her 65-person office. I knew all 65+ computers were networked up and had “instant messaging” where they could all communicate with each other. I soon learned that, in fact, he had only hooked up the instant messaging between the two of them. She denied ever going out alone with him, only to finally admit that they HAD gone out alone, but just to lunch and only three times (yeah, right). Still, for two solid months, she denied everything but “we’re just friends. He’s ‘a bud! That’s it!’” Then, two months into my devastation, she finally admitted what I knew from the first minute, and that was that she had, indeed, developed feelings for him…but that “she didn’t know it at the time…”, which, I suppose, absolves her from any wrongdoing, right? Right! Well, my question is, how do I deal with the PURGATORY of them still working and connecting everyday? It’s just proven impossible to get over, seven months later. The idea of “no contact” is not in my reality. We need both incomes to survive. She has sent out a whopping four resumes in nearly seven months. She promised me from the very beginning that she would limit any and all conversations and contact with him to work-related things only. Of course, I have “stumbled upon” (i.e. – searched and found through her work email that she inadvertently left up) instances, even very recently, of 100% personal dialogue and “connection” between the two of them. I’ve read all the books, 15 of them since I discovered this, including “Surviving an Affair.” (She won’t even acknowledge the word “affair” to the point that whenever I even mention that book, which she doesn’t believe on iota refers to her situation, I defer to her and call it “the purple book.” Isn’t that silly?) Even though she has admitted developing feelings for him, lying about going out alone with him, the emails, the 150 calls, the private instant messaging (much less what I don’t ever see between the two of them when they are together at work) and other things I won’t detail here…I just don’t know how to navigate these waters. We have done so much damage to our relationship since I discovered things, mainly because I can’t get past the reality that they still see each other and talk to each other every day of the work week. It’s daily salt in the wound. I’ve told her that my broken heart hasn’t even had the humane environment to heal, and that’s the truth. Oh, and what little sympathy I get from people who don’t even acknowledge “emotional affairs,” which are usually people “in her camp”. Sometimes I wish I had proof of sex just because the “not knowing” is so difficult. I don’t think sex happened, but I’ll never know for sure. Of course, even without the sex, the betrayal is real, and the pain is devastating. We have been in IC and MC since the beginning (two different MC’s), but my feelings and trust for her are next to nil, and I know the main reason is because of their continued daily contact with each other. Okay, I’ll leave it at that. I could go on and on, of course, but that’s the gist of our situation. Our 20th anniversary is in May. We have two children, nine and eight years old. Any opinions would be very much appreciated.Thanks!
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 4 resumes in 7 months. Does that sound like she is trying to get another job? If they haven't had sex they will. You are being forced to share the best part of your wife with another man. She is still connected with him. You don't need both incomes if you leave her. At this point its either do something or suck it up. She obviously is not concerned about your feelings. I couldn't live that way. You say you need both incomes. Do you need the incomes more then you need to be in an exclusive relationship with your wife? There are trade offs in life.
Bryanp Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 A major problem that I see is that she has and continues to lie to you. You catch her and she lies some more. She has absolutely no credibility whatsoever. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so understanding and seemingly accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. She continues to disrespect you and your marriage. She clearly seems determined to maintain this other relationship. She does not respect you and continues to play you for a fool since their are no consequences to her actions. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
boldjack Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Dump her immediately, what you have with her is as you put it "purgatory", She is a selfish, dishonest person, why would you want to stay with her? Your children deserve better than to be in this type of home. If you still want to try to make it work, figure out how to live on one income for a few months, then tell her new job or new home.
imagine Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Contact her bosses and tell them about the IM facility. This has business repercussions.
cdzmo972 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 My wife has had four ONS's and two EA's and they have every single one been with men she worked with. Every single one. I found out about the first three all at the same time, forgave her and we moved on and had three more children after that. Recently, I found out about the new EA and then the two other ONS's. I am so devastated I can barely eat and am beating myself up on a daily basis trying to decide what to do. She is in individual counseling and we are in marriage counseling, but I think it is only a front so she can put a label on her problem (not being able to keep your legs shut, is there a clinical definition for that?) and the marriage counseling so she can say she tried in a few months when she moves out to be with the new man (who is also, BTW, married). She is 34, he is 23, both are serial cheaters, both have financial issues, are both personally unmotivated and lazy people, yet they are talking marriage, kids, everything. When I ask her what it is about him she replies "I just like who he is. I feel good when we are together." I have spent the 13 years of our marriage trying to be the "cool" husband who wanted to go out with her but also let her have a bit of freedom and it has bit me in the a** and then some. Then there are our girls, who I adore and they adore me. Our oldest, who is 12, accidentally found out about the affair when she read a text my wife got from the man (my wife let her borrow her phone, knowing this a**hole was texting her I Love You messages) and then she actually introduces her to the schmuck. I was honestly more pissed about that than the cheating. I have had some trouble keeping a decent job lately but for many years of our marriage, I was the one bringing home the bulk of the income and still managing to do more than my share of the housework. She still says she loves me and that there is something keeping her from leaving. I think it is obligation, but she contends that it isn't, that she would have already left if that were the case. People in their office actually KNOW about the affair, yet they still work in the same area and neither one has offered to look for another job. I tried to get her into a "No Contact" agreement but she refuses. Every single person I am talking to, save our counselor, tells me I should make her leave, let her see what she would be missing. Let her find out that Mr. Wonderful has his own flaws. Is this woman a serial cheater/narcissist/what? What should I do? HELP!
Bleeve Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 In response to cdzmo972 You post made me use my first post. This sounds all too familiar to me. I think my ex-gf and mother of my child and your wife are indentical. "Is this woman a serial cheater/narcissist/what?" YES I know it hurts because you love her, but the chances of her changing and being faithful to you are next to none. Do what is best for you and your children, but what is best is to not let her walk all over you. Respect your self and show your children that you are worth more then that. Good luck.
cdzmo972 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks. Yes, I think I have reached the conclusion that she is never going to change. She is in individual counseling and claims that her two goals are to figure out why she does it so she can stop hurting me, and two is to figure out how she can be happy and in love with only me. However, she is still talking to the OM and I told her if she cannot commit to a "No Contact" rule, then I am not going ahead with marriage counseling because we are throwing our money away. She thinks we can still get some good out of it but I said "only if you end it with him and permanently." I know there is such a thing as healing the relationship for the sake of our kids, but I'm not paying for that, especially if she chooses to try and make a life with this other man. Good luck with that, she is 34, he is 23, they are both still married, work together, and both in debt. Their affair and her other one are both documented and admitted, so she can pretty much count on that conduct being used against her, if she even seeks more than partial custody of our kids. Her selfish behavior to this juncture suggests to me that may not happen. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. This is all very tough to take but I know I have to do what's best for me and my kids. I start my individual counseling tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it. I am tired of crying on a daily basis, feeling stressed and anxious all the time, and most of all, I want to know if I will ever be able to trust again.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 She giving you excuses why she can't leave her job? I think its ultimatum time. You tell her its her job or you. If she tells you she can't quit....and yes, she'll cite this economy...blah blah blah.....then tell her to get out. Cut this mental abuser out of your life and move on.
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