Mozzie Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I am confused and have been for the last year. Everything was fine until we moved in together exclusively. I started to go back to college while he's already on a high flying career. He talks about what he wants in future with me and he's confident that I'll like the future he described. I'm not sure. I think I would like the future. The other night, we talked over a lot of issues. He was thinking that maybe he should leave and I just cried. I cannot bear to lose him, hear his voice, hold him and smell him. But there's this voice in my head that says I should leave him and be alone again... for no apparant good reason. The only reason being that I kinda lost the spark. We decide to stay together. I still love him and I am honest about losing that passion I once felt. We are going away on a weekend together. I also fear the future. I don't know now if I'm with him because he offers me security, love, devotion and I want to offer him the same, or because I fear being alone forever. I've always had low self-esteem about what I can offer to others and it stoked me to know that someone like him could love me for who I am. I am guilt-ridden as I don't know if I love him back the same way and I desperately want to. We have differences, sure, which couple don't? I don't know if it's my underlying dysphoria or a symptom of something more sinister.
voldigicam Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 That's a hard one. Big problem for most of us: we need to be perfectly content and whole alone before we can be everything in a relationship. Much easier said than done. Takes a large dose of inner peace. More for the 50 plus set than young people. Given that he's building a future and that he's sure you will like it, and reading between the lines. I have to wonder whether you'll be happy as an accessory. You're aware of your distorting low self esteem. Getting perspective past that seems essential. Perhaps you can find a retreat where you can get really in touch with what's under that self esteem, needy aspect of yourself and evaluate your relationship with him. Given the way you describe your relationship, I have to wonder whether you come across perhaps as clingy. Which usually drives guys away eventually. Lasting love comes in many odd packages. And can't be force fit. Everyone told me my first wife was ideal. Both of us PhD level scientists, outdoors people, etc etc. Well, we could work together wonderfully, but never could live together! Even after we were divorced, we still were able to work on projects together and have a good time. Weird. Then I met this bleach blond California hair dresser who liked horses and had a high school diploma. I knew I was screwed right away. She's still here, sitting next to me, and there are two kids watching TV with us. One's a teenager. And I still adore her. So there you go. Gotta figure out yourself and what works. Very difficult if you're young. Being young is being stupid for most of us!
Author Mozzie Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 I'm on scholarship so I'll end up where he is now anyway. I was toying with the idea of paying off my scholarship so I don't have to be bonded to a future I might not want for myself. I'm not young. I'm 28. That makes me worried a little about finding another partner to share my life with. I may be smart but I'm not beautiful or funny or whatever. I don't even know what my partner sees in me. So yes, there's a selfish component because of my fear. It's just that on the big things, he's everything I want. But I don't know why I don't feel the same way. Or if I do feel the same way and such dampening of emotions i normal. Or maybe I've emotionally invested too much in my friends as they offer me alternative stimulant (doing activities I like doing when he's tired or doesn't like to do them). We talked and like I said, I asked him to stay. Im excited about the weekend together. But there's this sinking feeling in my stomach that I'm wrong. And I don't know if it's because I'm wrong or I'm just a nutty, ungrateful person.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I'm 28 and I say it IS young. I think you're still developing who you are and that may be clashing with who "us" is. How long have you two been together? It's also possible that the honeymoon phase is wearing off and the loss of that chemical high is confusing things for you. I think I read or heard somewhere that it lasts a max of 2 years. If that's the case, then you have the opportunity to develop the deeper love that comes after the honeymoon period. Give it some time, realize that you'll never get back the spark that everyone has at the beginning, and just enjoy what COULD be a deepening connection.
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