Chained to the Eventual Outcome

[Crestfallen_KH]

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I've come to a realization recently and I don't know how to manage it.

 

My ex-husband left me for a married woman he barely knew in August, 2007. They moved in together and, to this day, are still together.

 

I was single for a few months while the divorce was being finalized and I sort of fell into a relationship immediately after, though I knew I wasn't healed. At the time, it was attractive because he was also healing and we had so much in common, were both fearful of a relationship, and got to enjoy intimacy, sex, tenderness, with someone we cared about.

 

I stayed in a very broken relationship with him until just last month. For some reason, even being with someone who brought me so much drama and frustration was oddly comforting. It was so hard to let me him go, even though he wasn't good for me. Then, I started acting as strong as I am, (despite some slight waffling on both ends) and we finally walked away from each other.

 

And now, now that I have no relationship, no intimacy and no man who cares about me, I'm thinking about my ex-husband, his infidelity and his relationship again.

 

I still have a weight on my heart; I can feel it daily. I'm chained to the ultimate demise or ascension of his relationship. Unless and until things become "fair" or "right" according to my view of the world, I feel that the weight won't go away.

 

I feel as though the weight will only go away if :

1) he loses what he has and has to be alone and experience loneliness and be without love like I have been or

2) I get what I perceive he has, which is a successful, loving relationship.

It doesn't seem right that he walks out on me, and tosses me aside like garbage, and he gets rewarded with love and a relationship. I don't wish him any harm certainly, but unless things all equal out, I feel chained to this outcome.

 

I know I have the power to free myself. I know life isn't fair. I'm a big girl, so I get all this. I know I am doing this to myself and I know I don't control the world or even know how his relationship is. I'm continuing to move forward and realize #2 is the only thing I even sort of have any power over - my healing hasn't stopped, nor has my life.

 

But I don't know how to unchain myself from this feeling that, until things are at least equal and "fair" again and he either is experiencing what I went through or I fall in love too, that I will carry this weight.

 

Has anyone who had some space from his/her breakup shared these sentiments down the road? How did you get past it?

[Ronni_W]

I know psychotherapy is all about "what you can feel, you can heal."

But maybe for you it is more about applying strong, "brute" intellect and logic to just brain/mind power your way through it?

 

You are aware that your perceptions may be totally inaccurate, yet your mind is turning them into facts, anyway.

How to stop that? What comes to mind is perhaps to just apply intellect to remind yourself that you're totally just BSing yourself every time you believe/accept that "perceptions equal facts". That is, just keep telling yourself what you know (perceptions do NOT equal facts), and that you don't know what you don't know (you have ZERO data on how well or poorly he is doing.)

 

He (or she, or they) could be totally miserable and just not have the courage, strength and/or humility to admit how badly they screwed up and how deep in the crapper they are.

 

From a CBT angle, it would also be about exploring thoughts/beliefs about what is "equal and fair".

 

If he loses what he has, would you really be happy in your own life, or would it just be that you'd get to be happy over his misfortune? And, if the latter, is that really the kind of 'happiness' you desire for yourself?

 

You are comparing YOUR happiness and success with HIS perceived life experiences. Which CBT calls a "mental error" or error of thinking. Your life has absolutely nothing to do with his.

 

Is the statement that "Life is not fair," 100% accurate and without any room for argument? Are there a few examples where Life has proven itself to be ONLY fair?

Would things become 'more equalized' if you found out his current woman was sexually abused as a child? Or if one of them became ill with cancer?

If so, how/why?

If the roles were reversed -- YOU seemingly "had it all", and he was suffering, would that be "fair and equal"? If so, why/how?

 

Questions like that. Whatever thoughts that help to make you feel crappy, ask "Is that really true?" And, whether 'yes' or 'no', then ask, "Why and how?" Drill down as deep as you can/want to go.

 

It sounds like delayed grief, possibly because there wasn't sufficient healing and recovery during your rebound. And none of above is to say that it won't be beneficial to go the "feelings" route. Just that your intellect seems stronger .

 

Sending hugs, and many positive and healing vibes.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Thanks for posting, Ronni. A lot to think about here.

 

If he loses what he has, would you really be happy in your own life, or would it just be that you'd get to be happy over his misfortune? And, if the latter, is that really the kind of 'happiness' you desire for yourself?

 

This is interesting question that I have thought about before. I don't want him to suffer, have a bad life or anything even remotely like that. I don't hate him, I've even forgiven him.

 

But I guess that yes, I am looking for some sense of justice. Even though one could argue that he deserves misery for what he did (and I would not be one of them), I would find some relief, at least, if they broke up. I could then say "ok, whew, NOW he's going to know what it's like to rebuild alone - now he's going to finally see what it's like to be without love."

 

But you're right - even if that happens, it doesn't mean his experience will be like mine; that is a fallacy in my thinking process. He might be just fine being alone (which would make me feel worse) or become an alcoholic or something (which would bring me no satisfaction at all).

 

Is the statement that "Life is not fair," 100% accurate and without any room for argument? Are there a few examples where Life has proven itself to be ONLY fair?

Would things become 'more equalized' if you found out his current woman was sexually abused as a child? Or if one of them became ill with cancer?

If so, how/why?

If the roles were reversed -- YOU seemingly "had it all", and he was suffering, would that be "fair and equal"? If so, why/how?

 

No, I've honestly had a very charmed life. This event is the first truly painful challenge I've ever faced. I am healthy, I have a great life, great friends, am close to my family and have done great things in my life. And I do focus on these things quite often.

 

And no, I don't to "have it all" and he have nothing. I don't want him to suffer and I don't even wish any ill will towards either of them anymore. I admit, when I was in the dark place, I absolutely did, but I'm not angry anymore, I'm not vengeful anymore and I have spent my time primarily focusing on what I can control. The thought of being high up a pedastal and looking down at his miserable life may give another person who was cheated on some satisfaction but to me, it would not.

 

Questions like that. Whatever thoughts that help to make you feel crappy, ask "Is that really true?" And, whether 'yes' or 'no', then ask, "Why and how?" Drill down as deep as you can/want to go.

 

I do do this, but I grew up repeating my mom's pattern (assumptions = fact) and I've adopted this extremely frustrating trait of hers. But it's hard not to think it's obviously working when they are still together, adoping pets, and whatever else it is they are doing.

 

I guess the most frustrating that for me was that I saw so little evidence that his decision was EVER difficult for him. He made it over the course of a weekend, and never gave me any hope of a second chance, never drunk dialed or apologized and never even gave me a hint that he was waffling or unsure. I know he did me the biggest favor by NOT dragging it out and by leaving me alone, but it's hard for me not to draw the conclusion that "still together 1.5 years later + never expressed a second thought = happy relationship."

 

Intellectualy I know it can't have been all roses. Both walked out on a marriage and the transition can't have been easy. But it seems to me they are successfully beating the odds while I am back to square one in the relationship department.

 

I know, I have a lot of "rewiring" to do on my thinking. The good news is that I can unequivocally say my happiness does NOT depend on what they do or do not do - I'm going to be happy regardless. I'd just like to find a way to make the weight on my heart disappear.

[wowIlose]

I feel almost the same way. I sometimes just want her to go through the torture of being alone while someone she loves is completely of having a great time with someone new. I think after we go through so much pain we get this burning desire for some sort of revenge - at least thats how I felt... not as much anymore but I guess ego can be a crazy thing.

 

Sometimes I think if she only went through the same pain I did then she would have a lot more compassion and at the very least an understanding of what she put me through. At the end of the day it wouldn't bring us back together and wishing misery on someone else doesn't seem right but I'll admit there is something about it that makes you wish the other person fails. Ego again? I don't know.

 

The point is the best thing to do is focus on you. It can be very emotionally draining by chaining yourself to your exes outcomes and even if they fail the victory would be bitter sweet at best.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I do think ego has a lot to do with it. My ego was seriously hurt when he left so quickly and never appeared to look back. But it would have been doubly cruel to have him calling me, expressing any doubt or second thoughts to me when I needed to focus on my own healing. I know that I don't know what his experience has been. Intellectually, I know that.

 

I have to give up my pollyanna worldview that by doing good, good things happen to you and those who inflict pain and selfishness on others are punished. Life ain't a comic book.

[sunshinegirl]

Ohhhh yes, I definitely relate to this. I feel it now, with my recent ex, who cheated on me and left me for someone at his office.

 

And I felt the same way about my very first ex, 7 or 8 years ago. And to be perfectly honest, it WAS a weight lifted off of me when I found out he was gay and had struggled for many months after we broke up... when I had been wallowing in the pain of being cast aside cruelly, and certain that he was happy with his new girlfriend.

 

At some level I don't think it's a terribly helpful exercise to "intellectualize" yourself out of what is a very normal, even basic, human desire for justice. I don't think it's distorted thinking at all.

 

You've been wronged, emotionally at least, and it's just no wonder or surprise that this weight is hanging on because you've gotten no sense of justice yet.

[Crestfallen_KH]

You've been wronged, emotionally at least, and it's just no wonder or surprise that this weight is hanging on because you've gotten no sense of justice yet.

 

I think that's my hangup.

 

If he had to go through what he put me through then yes, that would be justice. And I'm not even wishing that she cheats on him. But if he had to rebuild alone, have no one to cuddle with at night, go on a crappy first date after crappy first date and wonder if he'll ever be loved again? Yes, that would lift the weight.

 

What's that bumper sticker? No justice, no peace? I guess that's how I feel.

[Ronni_W]

Hi Crest.

Let me preface by suggesting that you ignore everything that doesn’t make sense, or does not feel “right” for any reason. It’s some combo of Devil’s-Advocate-Reading-‘Tween-the-Lines.

 

I don't want him to suffer, have a bad life or anything even remotely like that. … I've even forgiven him.

 

Well, yes and no ~ yes, you do; and no, you haven’t.

Between the lines, your posts are reading closer to: IF you cannot have what you’re perceiving/assuming he has, then you actually would feel more satisfied, that there is more "justice", if he does suffer and he does have a bad life. Maybe you'd qualify, just suffer a bit and have a tiny amount of bad but...that's still him suffering and having a bad life.

 

And. If your forgiveness was whole and complete, you’d not be sensing a lack of “justice” and fairness.

 

I could then say "ok, whew, NOW he's going to know what it's like to rebuild alone - now he's going to finally see what it's like to be without love."

 

You’re right that he’s experience of loss of love won’t necessarily be the same as yours.

But for sake of discussion. How would it help YOU, really and deeply, if he could somehow come to feel/realize exactly what has been your experience?

 

What would you expect (from him or from life), after he has that awareness? And, is that expectation realistic and reasonable? EVEN IF he did totally understand what you’ve been going through, what is the chance that, just because he is aware of it, that alone will bring you whatever you perceive is lacking in your life? (Be that “justice” or empathy or whatever.)

 

But it seems to me they are successfully beating the odds while I am back to square one in the relationship department.

 

Yep. It certainly DOES seem that way. Then what? They’ve got the “secret” figured out, and don’t seem willing to share it with you (or me, or the world.) So what? It doesn’t stop you (or me, or anyone else) from finding OUR OWN way of successfully beating the odds.

 

I saw so little evidence that his decision was EVER difficult for him.

 

Is that possibly the crux of the ‘weight’ – that it was too easy for him to leave? More accurately, of course, that it SEEMED as if it was easy for him. And, is it just “frustrating” or is it downright hurtful?

 

And a couple of a tender questions next – not that you need to post a response, of course. But possibly it’s the type of info that your mind also needs to be “mixing in” with its other thoughts and ponderings. Anyway…

 

What were the dynamics in, and the state of, your relationship during the weeks and months preceding that life-changing weekend?

If we pretend that you played a ‘fair and equal’ role in the demise of your marriage, what might your contributions have been?

 

I grew up repeating my mom's pattern (assumptions = fact) and I've adopted this extremely frustrating trait of hers.

 

Well then. It’s time to “un-adopt” that pattern/belief, is it not? Return it, with love and gratitude, to the ‘Adopting Agency of Wrong Beliefs’. As you say, it belongs to your mom…give it back, energetically/symbolically.

 

But. If you don’t/won’t/can’t give it back, then you’ll have to start taking ownership of it…you’re gonna hafta start calling it “an extremely frustrating trait OF MINE.” Cos even right now, it isn't just your mom's...you've been using it, too.

 

And it’s okay to also give back any other misguided/wrong beliefs that you have adopted just cos they were there. If they’re no longer serving your current-day needs and goals, kick them to the curb. Create your own, positive, supportive, inspirational set of beliefs, is what I would suggest as the wisest plan of action.

 

 

About “justice.” Do you have any beliefs/thoughts about “you reap what you sow”, or “what goes around, comes around”, or the Law of Cause and Effect?

And. Do you believe that you necessarily know EVERYTHING that someone else (specifically your ex) has ever sown, or “sent around”, or been the cause of? What if he is now enjoying the rewards of something positive that he did…I dunno, in his youth or some other lifetime?

 

Or, does taking things in that direction just bring up a different aspect of the ‘weight’?

[Crestfallen_KH]

Some good points to think about, Ronni. And I've been thinking about your last post all day.

 

I think the "weight" of how quickly he walked out is still affecting me. He was very conflict avoidant. I knew something was wrong, and for months I kept asking "Are you ok?" His response was always "I'm fine..just tired, stressed, etc." So when the revelation came that he was having an EA, I was shocked. As far as I knew, we were just going through growing pains.

 

And then, he was done. I thought it was time to roll up the sleeves and get to work and he was just done - just like that. He never really gave me a chance. I can see warning signs now, but I thought I married someone who valued commitment the way I did, and wouldn't just give up. Again, I made assumptions about him that I turned into fact.

 

But, you are right. Whether they stay together, break up, get married, have tens of babies or shoot each other, it changes absolutely nothing in MY life. I don't want him back, I don't want to be friends, I don't want to talk to him.

 

I have chained myself to an eventual outcome I can neither control and one that makes no difference to my life. Thinking about it in this perspective - that the outcome of their relationship changes nothing in my life - lifts the weight a little bit, it really does. The day I hear they are getting married or breaking up or whatever changes nothing - I'll still continue to go to work, date, and go on with my life, no matter what they do.

 

As for the idea that he did good things and was rewarded with a relationship that affected four families so cruelly, I honestly don't see how going down that route will help in my healing, and it's not really a notion I'm comfortable entertaining.

[QueenVictoria]

Hi Crestfallen, What your feeling is very normal. You will feel better once you meet someone good.

[Ronni_W]

I hear what you're saying Crest.

 

It IS difficult to fully engage with someone who is as conflict-avoidant as he appears to be.

That is, appears to BE, present tense. Watcha really think is gonna happen when he experiences his next extended period of feeling "tired, stressed"? Unless he has worked really hard to learn how to effectively deal with life's normal 'downs and lows'...he's just carried that baggage with him, in any case.

 

As far as I knew, we were just going through growing pains.

 

Or. As far as you hoped/wished/assumed? Cos one could make a case that, if you'd been more open to seeing it, you'd have admitted to yourself things were worse than you thought.

 

Just that, maybe his time of dealing with feeling tired and stressed, and alone, was NOT at all "easy"? Maybe it was very difficult and painful? That he didn't have the skills to deal with it in an adult, functional way would not have mitigated any feelings of isolation/loneliness.

 

So. Maybe the actual walking out wasn't "quick" for him? Maybe it was the result of a long, valiantly fought inner battle that he had endured for who-knows exactly how long? (Not that we ought to throw parties for those are are conflict-avoidant. Just that, he is that. So, an overview of his actions would be incomplete if we don't also acknowledge the limitations that he faced as a result of his fear of conflict.)

 

I have chained myself to an eventual outcome I can neither control and one that makes no difference to my life.

 

I'm hoping that you meant that you USED TO be chained to [their crap], due to some misguided beliefs, assumptions and not-necessarily-accurate perceptions ; and that you're in the process of un-adopting all of those so that you can totally eliminate any weights around your heart that don't belong there.

 

Sending Love and Light.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Yes, he admitted to me that he had been unhappy for 6-8 months prior to the demise of the relationship. I could tell things weren't as they had been - less affection, less interest in doing things together, more time to himself. I can see it now. But I assumed he'd behave as I do/did. When I'm asked "are you ok?" and I'm not, I'll say so; that's my communication style. And I expected he'd behave the same way, despite the fact that I knew he was always conflict avoidant. To me, it was a matter of respect and honoring the commitment and he didn't view it that way. I won't make these mistakes again.

 

I think the struggle has been that, the longer the relationship goes on, the more validation it receives. From who, I don't know. But it's hard to argue that he made a bad choice (selfish, yes) the longer the relationship goes on, particularly if it leads to marriage. It was made worse by the fact that two male friends in my life who had also cheated faced consequences (both women turned around and cheated on them), yet it seemed that my ex-husband has faced none. But, I remind myself that yes, I saw the effects on these two friends because they were in my life - I'm not in my ex-husband's life, so any effects, repercussions or degree of happiness remains unknown to me. And assumptions are just a waste of time and become self-inflicted punishment.

 

Yes, I said "I have chained myself..." because I do want it to be in the past. By changing my perspective, part of me has moved it to that realm, but I'm not totally there yet.

[Ronni_W]

, part of me has moved it to that realm, but I'm not totally there yet.

Well done! Yes, it may take a while to totally arrive at your destination but you are at least on your way.

 

I think the struggle has been that, the longer the relationship goes on, the more validation it receives. From who, I don't know.

Well, from YOU, yes? Unless there are other people who are also pondering the relationship in the same way, and kind of wishing for justification (justice) that will make the whole dang thing "invalid" and unholy.

 

I agree with you that it does appear that he made a wise decision as far as his happiness and well-being are concerned. That is his valid position.

But, from your perspective, it obviously was not a decision that also had your best interests in mind. That is your valid position.

 

The relationship itself does not need to be "invalidated" to validate the fact that he did not act in your best interest. He didn't. That's a fact.

 

I'm not getting how the experiences of your other friends come into play. Your ex's 'Life Plan' has nothing to do with theirs. And neither does your Life Plan have anything to do with theirs...or your ex's.

 

 

What if there are no negative consequences when we make decisions that we genuinely believe are in our own best interest, regardless of the impact on others? (I'm not saying there aren't or there are. Just, what if there are none?)

 

Would that change your life or your outlook in any meaningful way? Is there a purely and genuinely self-interested decision that you'd make right now?

 

Maybe you and I would say, "No, cos that would be selfish. We always think about others first." But what if our beliefs about that are all out of whack? What if WE'D be the ones suffering negative consequences because we ignored our soul's messages and heart's desires? What if WE'D be 'flunking' due to lack of courage and strength, and Faith in our Higher Power?

 

And what is "selfish", anyway? It was selfish of him to leave you because he was unhappy. It was selfish of you to expect him to stay with you if he was unhappy.

Which statement is "correct"? Or, is one "more correct" than another? Or, are they both incorrect? Or does it just depend?

 

The deeper one goes, the less black-or-white it gets, I think. It's interesting to contemplate, and whatever answers we decide to believe, that's totally valid. You don't need anyone on the outside to tell you that your experience sucks the big one. You don't need to wait for "justice" to validate your pain. I don't think.

 

Hugs, Crest -- keep moving to that realm where there is no 'weight' that is tying you to their outcomes.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Definitely some more good points.

 

I don't think it was selfish for him to leave because he was unhappy. If he had grown unhappy and told me he wanted out to go lead his own life alone and had at least tried to work with me once I was aware of his unhappiness, then I would have hugged him goodbye and wished him well. I know that about me.

 

What was selfish was how he left. He said nothing when asked what was wrong, had sex with someone else while still married to me, lied about his relationship with her, and said awful things. THAT was selfish. And no, I didn't want him to stay if he didn't truly want to be with me. I gave him the easiest, quickest divorce I could. I loved him, and wanted him to be free to lead his own life and make his own choices, and trying to chain him to me would have been selfish on my end.

 

It was hard to let go of the idea that had he said something and tried with me that we could have made it. I was a good wife (even he would say so) and there was genuine love there. A week before the revelation, he said to me "There's my sexy wife!" I know the foundation existed to make it work, but he didn't give me that chance and my own sense of self-worth plummeted that I wasn't worth it. I no longer see it that I wasn't "worth it," but that's how it felt.

 

Anyway, I will get there. Honestly, the idea that he was/is "following his heart" or listening to his "soul's message" to be with her is still painful. Maybe because I want to believe that he isn't as happy with her as he was with me, that they won't make it as long as we did, and that any relationship that begins with lies can't be healthy. But, again, regardless of whether he met his true love OR made a huge mistake, none of that matters to me. My life and my life without him goes on regardless.

[Ronni_W]

I do know what you mean -- trying to come to terms with the fact that we have questions for which we know there will be no answers.

 

I was the one who ended my marriage (10 years ago) and, to this day, I STILL do not have answers to: "How on earth did we not work? How was that possible for it to NOT work? WTF HAPPENED to my marriage???"

 

Not at all that I regret my decision. Quite the contrary. And I've stopped asking the many different versions of the same question. Just that I also understand the frustration of the unanswered BIG question.

 

And we DID marriage counseling, as far as we were both capable at the time. Did I try hard enough? No. Did my ex? No. At least, not from MY perspective. But then again, I know how much I tried. And I know it was all that I could do at that time. And I assume the same, about my ex.

 

Maybe it's only "selfish" when we HAVE more to give, that we don't give? Maybe our exes didn't have any more to give us (at that time)? Maybe we did, after all, get their ALL? Even if that was quite inadequate (in our view.)

[Crestfallen_KH]

I guess it's just a matter of coming to terms with it. I know I did the best with what I knew at the time. And, as Maya Angelou says, when I knew better, I did better.

 

Thanks for all the comments, everyone. And thanks to you, Ronni, for taking the time to really help me get past this; I'm definitely getting there.

[Ronni_W]

I know I did the best with what I knew at the time.

Yes, exactly. And same for him.

 

Glad I was of some assistance -- good luck and keep us posted.