another "she needs space" thread

[in a daze]

couseling has been going well. i have been laying from pressuring her into a quick fix. i asked her if she would go out next friday night with me and she said she would love to. probably do dinner, then i have courtside seats to the celtics ( which she doesnt know about). hopefully things will go well and i wont go back to pressuring her. all contact re: our daughter has been fine with no fights or arguments. she definately feels that by me not constantly wanting to talk about the relationship, that i am " listening", which was one of my biggest faults. wish me luck . any advice as i dont want to screw this up

[scoot]

man do I relate to your story, with a few exceptions. also ten years 2nd time also lost about 20lbs. she also wanted space,.

I have done things quite differently though, when she said she wasn't sure if she was in the marriage , I said we needed to work together , go to therapy, get everything on the table, talk about it. She said she wasn't sure.and wasn't interested in counseling , she was interested 6 months ago. I didn't know 6 months ago that we needed a therapy.

I had only one answer "get in the marriage and work on it or get the hell out".

I was not into walking on eggshells, just waiting for the moment when I would do something that would be the last straw. She would tell me after I did it , not before.

My 1st wife had many problems with depression and always wanted space, she used that space to find comfort in other men, I walked the eggshell path then and it almost cost me my kids.

Today when my second wife of tens years says she wanted space to decide wether she still wanted to be married to me. I put her things in the garage and changed the locks on the house. She can have all the space she wants somewhere else. She filed two days after moving out her things.

I wish you luck

[in a daze]

man do I relate to your story, with a few exceptions. also ten years 2nd time also lost about 20lbs. she also wanted space,.

I have done things quite differently though, when she said she wasn't sure if she was in the marriage , I said we needed to work together , go to therapy, get everything on the table, talk about it. She said she wasn't sure.and wasn't interested in counseling , she was interested 6 months ago. I didn't know 6 months ago that we needed a therapy.

I had only one answer "get in the marriage and work on it or get the hell out".

I was not into walking on eggshells, just waiting for the moment when I would do something that would be the last straw. She would tell me after I did it , not before.

My 1st wife had many problems with depression and always wanted space, she used that space to find comfort in other men, I walked the eggshell path then and it almost cost me my kids.

Today when my second wife of tens years says she wanted space to decide wether she still wanted to be married to me. I put her things in the garage and changed the locks on the house. She can have all the space she wants somewhere else. She filed two days after moving out her things.

I wish you luck

i can see where you are coming from. i have a child involved and i do admit that i was a bit out of control. when we tried to work things out here, i didnt lay off at all. i was always hounding for the quick fix. i never realised until recently that there was a problem. im not changing locks etc. i want to keep my family together and listening to some of the advice here has worked( i think). it wasnt working the way it was, so giving her space was the only other option. hopefully she will see the light, if not, i waisted 2- 3 months( not a lot to save a family, in my opinion).

[scoot]

I agree I have been very hasty in wanting an answer, she was making all the moves to leave and I just pushed up her plans by a few days. The end result was the same when all connections were cut , she filed. All while telling me she loved me and cared for me and the kids.

I saw her last week and she hugged me for awhile and gave me a kiss on the lips.

She does still care, she does still love me. She just wants out, for me dragging it out, holding on, only brings us pain.

The thing I learned most from my 1st marriage was that kids are the most important.

That has made many problems in my second marriage.

[in a daze]

so we went out to the game and had a good time, dinner and went to see a band after. she had a few too many wines and was tired, so i took her to her place( i hate saying that), dropped her off and went to a party one of my friends was having. i have/ had been doing well not pressuring her, although i slipped up a few times after having a few brews. this lead to me starting right back on the relationship talk, which got her back into the " why arent you listening mode". she stopped by today to grab some bills, and i told her, i want you to come home a.s.a.p and lkets continue working this out from here. she said she wasnt ready and that she felt if she came back too soon it would make matters worse. also, if it didnt work out, she didnt want to put our daughter through any more pain. i stupidly went off the deep end and asked her right out if she would feel better if i totally gave up on this relationship. i asked her if you are milking this out for any reason, why dont we get a divorce sop we can both move on with our lives and lets cut the bull sh*t. she said if she wanted a divorce, she wouldnt waiste her time at counselling and would have filed already. she continues to state that she needs to clear her head out. i know there is not another man involved, and she is still working on her meds, but after having 2-3 weeks of patience, i am finding it hard to hold back. i have pushed the d word to her a few times giving her the oppotunity to " bite", b ut she hasnt. i have been staying hjome with my sick father, and she has been the bread winner so its not like she is making money from me. i am starting to go on tilt. i do love her a ton, but i just want things fixed soon. any more advice would be awesome!

[SRV]

The script that your wife is reading from has been played out on this forum many a time.

 

Most of the time, it starts of with the "space" talk, denial from OP that she could never stray, before the tuth finally comes to light.

 

You need to dig deeper, behind the "space" talk, there is something definitely brewing.

[Woggle]

Trust me she wants the divorce but she is stalling because she wants to get her ducks in a row. I say beat her to it and serve her with papers first. A man should never live in limbo for very long.

[PWSX3]

Even though my divorce is final in like two-three weeks my stbxw was finished, she is the one that filed, but I had to get her to sign a title over Tuesday & she kind of hinted around that maybe she isn't sure the divorce is what she wants. It has been 7 months since she left, same as it was the last time.....

 

I know everyone here say's their is someone else, kick her to the curb, but I really feel people do need time.

 

My question is; while you are waiting for her to come back what are you doing about the part you had in the marriage??? If she came back now things would be just like they were, is that what you want???

 

For me I have taken classes at a local church which have been so helpful, been going to small groups within the church & just trying to learn all I can about what part did "I" have in the marriage.

 

I know it is really hard but don't worry about if she comes back or not, look into what you could have done different, change those things......

 

Now that my stbxw is hinting around I don't want her back, I'm learning why I did the things I did, trying to become a happy person on my own & having fun hanging out with other ladies & friends.......

 

My advice is; if they want to leave say good-bye...Why would you want someone in your life that doesn't love you??????

[in a daze]

Even though my divorce is final in like two-three weeks my stbxw was finished, she is the one that filed, but I had to get her to sign a title over Tuesday & she kind of hinted around that maybe she isn't sure the divorce is what she wants. It has been 7 months since she left, same as it was the last time.....

 

I know everyone here say's their is someone else, kick her to the curb, but I really feel people do need time.

 

My question is; while you are waiting for her to come back what are you doing about the part you had in the marriage??? If she came back now things would be just like they were, is that what you want???

 

For me I have taken classes at a local church which have been so helpful, been going to small groups within the church & just trying to learn all I can about what part did "I" have in the marriage.

 

I know it is really hard but don't worry about if she comes back or not, look into what you could have done different, change those things......

 

Now that my stbxw is hinting around I don't want her back, I'm learning why I did the things I did, trying to become a happy person on my own & having fun hanging out with other ladies & friends.......

 

My advice is; if they want to leave say good-bye...Why would you want someone in your life that doesn't love you??????

good points, i am going to an individual counselor and have been working on the anger issues. i have been doing pretty well also. signed up at the gym and doing a lot of reading. i need to become a little more patient with everything( not just this). also, i know most of the time, " space " means om but that isnt the case, what is the case i dont know, but its probably in her head. im not giving up hope.........yet

[Chrome Barracuda]

Living apart makes reconsiling even harder? WTf does she needs to clear her head of? I mean what does the woman need help with? And why would you as a man want an indecisive woman? God I would be so resentful, they may come a point where you get frustrated and tired of being alone!!!

 

If your married, your married. If your seperated then WTF!!! this aint high school. You cant just sepertate and have no idea where your going, sometimes it's either your in or your not!

 

Where are you heading to ina daze, do you want her back, or do you move on? It is a frustrating situation.

[Justanotherschmuck]

my wife and i have been married for 10yrs, 14 together. 3 months ago after a good sized argument, she told me she feels numb and needs some time to get her head together. she has been on prozac for 8 yrs and she stopped seeing her therapist 6 yrs ago. we have a 7yr daughter and there has been no major conflicts between us so this hit me hard. obviously, being very nervous, i was always asking what i could do etc etc, basically not giving her space( i know, big mistake). finally 3 weeks ago she said she wasnt geting time to " clear her head" and she thought it would be better for her to move out. she said the last year hasnt been great. i just got over my mother dying of cancer ( 18 yr battle) and my father was diagnosed with alzheimers. being an only child and having a close family, this really hurt. at times i put them over my family and when i needed to vent, i took a lot out on my wife. she held it in because she didnt want to upset me, but she was hurt and didnt let me know, or at least didnt make sure i fully understood how hurt she was. she found a 3 month lease in the next town over. she wanted to be close for our daughter and she did not want to sign a long term lease. she has started seeing a new therapist who told us to also think about a marriage counselor. we found a counselor and went 4 times. she didnt like that couselor because at her request i started seeing her as my personal therapist. she found another counselor who we both like and we have been there twice. the big issue now is me NOT giving her space and always asking what i can do etc etc. she says she is having a hard time geting rid of the hurt and anger she has for me because of my actions over the past year or so. i am finding it very hard to comprehend this thus i tend to be overly pushy when we do speak.. what can i do because i love her more than anything and i know that i hurt her deeply. i have changed a bit, but i am having trouble giving her time to clear her head. i am " in a daze". thanks, mike

 

Dude, you lost a parent and basically "lost" another, and SHES distraught because you "took" it out on HER?!? Look, maybe you came down too hard, and if you did OF COURSE she didn't feel good inside, BUT if THAT isn't the kind of bad times spouses PROMISED to be there for, JUST WHAT THE EFFIN IS?? ANd being ticked inside at your hubsand because he was tough on you during and understandably tough time AND BAILING are two different things.

 

And if you DIDN'T ask what you can do, she'd be bailing because you were inconsiderate.

 

This is a guess, but based on reading over and over, this space thing is needed because some other cats coming over to play. Check it out first before you start crucifying your self.

[Justanotherschmuck]

I just read another post of yours. The part of her being the breadwinner.

 

As disgusted as I was, as nauseated, as much as I wanted to vomit and and as bad as it made me feel about women, I read a study done a few times that woman lose respect for men that they have to financially support. I know, I guess the "were equal" part doesnt extend to that.

 

ANother marriage site had a huge thread on it and many women agreed. Its disgusting. I'm not saying your wife agrees with this but, since your wrote it, I figured I'd comment on it.

 

Start snooping.

[in a daze]

Living apart makes reconsiling even harder? WTf does she needs to clear her head of? I mean what does the woman need help with? And why would you as a man want an indecisive woman? God I would be so resentful, they may come a point where you get frustrated and tired of being alone!!!

 

If your married, your married. If your seperated then WTF!!! this aint high school. You cant just sepertate and have no idea where your going, sometimes it's either your in or your not!

 

Where are you heading to ina daze, do you want her back, or do you move on? It is a frustrating situation.

i agree. if you read earlier posts she has had or has minor mental issues( not cuckoo), but is on prozac etc. her thyroid is off and her doctor says she has smoe sort of hormonal issu whatever the f that is. i definately want her back, i want our family back. i guess i just want everything now, but as i read on alot of forums, it takes time. that is my problem, waiting

[in a daze]

I just read another post of yours. The part of her being the breadwinner.

 

As disgusted as I was, as nauseated, as much as I wanted to vomit and and as bad as it made me feel about women, I read a study done a few times that woman lose respect for men that they have to financially support. I know, I guess the "were equal" part doesnt extend to that.

 

ANother marriage site had a huge thread on it and many women agreed. Its disgusting. I'm not saying your wife agrees with this but, since your wrote it, I figured I'd comment on it.

 

Start snooping.

there is no other man/ woman in the picture, i know this for a fact. she has always been a go-getter regarding work as that was how she was brought up. fortuneately or unfortunenately (sp) she has done extremely well at her current job, but i feel its starting to overtake her life. i hope this wears off soon and she gets her head back in the game. like i stated before, i have an issue with patience which certainly doesnt help the situation.

[soserious1]

I have a very good friend who's a nurse, mother of grown children,married to a guy who lost his job in the great dot.com bust who never managed to recover.She became basically the breadwinner for the entire family. He brought his aging mother into their home, he was going to be her primary caretaker, it was the right thing to do,she was family after all. She had dementia after all and probably wouldn't live very long.

 

A couple problems cropped up though....

 

1. The nurse had to work full time plus take VNA work nights/weekends.. this wasn't a temp sacrifice, this has been going on for 15 yrs.

 

2.The elderly mother? had always had a guarded,slightly paranoid nature,been difficult for anyone to deal and had always been hyper critical of her DIL the nurse.

 

3. Hubby was/is a traditional kind of guy, his ability to bread win ended, but his expectations of the behaviors of a traditional type of wife did not.. guess who ended up having to basically case manage for the elderly mother, sheparding her to/from appointments, handling medication issues etc? guess who ended up having to get up repeatedly in the night to provide skilled nursing care ?

 

4. Hubby was also rather anxious and clingy, calling the nurse constantly at work, at times unable to make the simplest choices and lacking the ability

to do any sort of problem solving on his own.

 

5.guess who was still responsible for the bulk of cooking,cleaning and handling other family and social obligations/needs? .. the stay at home hubby?.. nope

 

 

4. MIL finally died at the ripe old age of 90.. after YEARS of requiring home care, after years of being physically unable to care for herself.

 

my friend is approaching 65 yrs of age.. her hubby proposed selling their house and moving to a smaller place in a location of his choosing.

 

She smiled, told him she's very glad to sell the house.. but that along with passing the papers for that sale that they will also be signing divorce papers she's not interested in moving with him anywhere and that she wants a bit of peace after decades of putting everybody's else's needs ahead of her own.

 

alzheimers is rough, home care is not always the best or most loving option

for the patient or for their family. Your wife might well be reeling, not from being sole breadwinner, not from having a child to care for, but from the combination of your father's illness and from your displays of anger and your neediness and clinging.

[in a daze]

I have a very good friend who's a nurse, mother of grown children,married to a guy who lost his job in the great dot.com bust who never managed to recover.She became basically the breadwinner for the entire family. He brought his aging mother into their home, he was going to be her primary caretaker, it was the right thing to do,she was family after all. She had dementia after all and probably wouldn't live very long.

 

A couple problems cropped up though....

 

1. The nurse had to work full time plus take VNA work nights/weekends.. this wasn't a temp sacrifice, this has been going on for 15 yrs.

 

2.The elderly mother? had always had a guarded,slightly paranoid nature,been difficult for anyone to deal and had always been hyper critical of her DIL the nurse.

 

3. Hubby was/is a traditional kind of guy, his ability to bread win ended, but his expectations of the behaviors of a traditional type of wife did not.. guess who ended up having to basically case manage for the elderly mother, sheparding her to/from appointments, handling medication issues etc? guess who ended up having to get up repeatedly in the night to provide skilled nursing care ?

 

4. Hubby was also rather anxious and clingy, calling the nurse constantly at work, at times unable to make the simplest choices and lacking the ability

to do any sort of problem solving on his own.

 

5.guess who was still responsible for the bulk of cooking,cleaning and handling other family and social obligations/needs? .. the stay at home hubby?.. nope

 

 

4. MIL finally died at the ripe old age of 90.. after YEARS of requiring home care, after years of being physically unable to care for herself.

 

my friend is approaching 65 yrs of age.. her hubby proposed selling their house and moving to a smaller place in a location of his choosing.

 

She smiled, told him she's very glad to sell the house.. but that along with passing the papers for that sale that they will also be signing divorce papers she's not interested in moving with him anywhere and that she wants a bit of peace after decades of putting everybody's else's needs ahead of her own.

 

alzheimers is rough, home care is not always the best or most loving option

for the patient or for their family.

great post. at the beginning of the issues with my father, i couldnt or didnt want to believe that my father was never going to get better. so when he would slowly get worse, i would get angry and try to " push " him to succeed. obviously now i know that its not possible, buit when my hardworking wife would come home, i would " have to get away from the situation" , leaving her to deal with him for a few hours. she never really complained which i now appreciate more than ever, but it probably would of helped our situation if she had. when she finally got fed up, everything cameout at once. this is a big reason for the separation, not my father but the way i handled him and took my anger out on her. i have finally realised what the deal is and how tough it was for my wife. i love her more than anything in the world, and i pray to god its not too late to save our family. i am working extremely hard to correct my " stupidnessw" if you will. i hope she will eventually see the person i was and the better person/ husband i am becoming. i never ever meant to hurt her and woukld give anything to reverse the situation, anything. thanks for your story!!

[Justanotherschmuck]

there is no other man/ woman in the picture, i know this for a fact. she has always been a go-getter regarding work as that was how she was brought up. fortuneately or unfortunenately (sp) she has done extremely well at her current job, but i feel its starting to overtake her life. i hope this wears off soon and she gets her head back in the game. like i stated before, i have an issue with patience which certainly doesnt help the situation.

 

 

Ok. No other man.

[LakesideDream]

First of all, I am so sorry about your parents.

 

Has your wife given you any reasons for her feeling as if she needs some space? Women are talkers, if you ask and then give her the floor, she will more than likely tell you what's wrong. The key is, you need to listen and hear what she says. Then take a little while to digest it all instead of reacting hastily or out of emotion.

 

If you are being too clingy and in her face all the time, maybe she just needs you to back off and let her breathe. I don't know anything about you, but after going through a loss, and having a limited circle of friends and family, I can see why that loss might push you to be more fearful of losing her too. The problem is, the actions that accompany that fear might be what pushes her away.

 

(In my opinion, as a woman) Women need to feel desirable and sexy. They need to feel like the center of your world. They need to know that you trust them enough to tell them how you are feeling and what you need, and that they can trust you the same way. They need to be your partner! If you have came down on her or put your family members first, or pushed her to the back of the line, she probably feels somewhat put off. If you can accomplish making them feel this way, then they will in turn make you the center of their world.

 

My advice with what little you have offered is that you back off and let the dust settle. That doesn't mean packing your bags an leaving, just give her some space. Busy yourself with something. Gradually work your way back to her. Ask her how her day was, instead of asking what's wrong. Do small things for her without any expectation on your part - cook dinner, fix her a drink, offer to take her out (but don't feel bad if she says no). If she still allows it, hold her and flirt with her without it leading to the bed (unless she leads it there).

 

I'm really not much for offering advice due to my own marriage being a bit rocky right now. But if it's not over yet, you still have time to fix it. Back off, let her have her space and see where it goes.

 

Oh, and if I can tell you anything, I'll tell you this. When you hurt a woman down inside, you hurt her very core. She will never get past it or forgive you unless and until you make it clear to her that you know and acknowledge how deeply you hurt her and that you are truly sorry that you did. She has to believe that you know the depth of how badly you hurt her, before any kind of "I'm sorry" will matter.

 

One foot, Maybe, in fact probably some of the above is true most of the time. I was "fortunate" enough to have 2 "D-days" some 19 months apart. Both at least began with the "I need space" speach. The first ended with the ex deciding not to leave the marriage and to "re-committ" moving to a new area, starting over.

 

I literally did everything in my power to make her happy including all your above and more.

 

One year to the day after we moved the second "I need space" speach came. You see we had moved to the area/state where her long term boyfriend (since high school 27 years previous) lived.

 

During the 6 weeks between D-day and helping her into her new apartment the whole truth came out. In a semi drunken talk, she apologised for lying and cheating.. and said that I was always a good husband and dad, and that she realized and appreciated my efforts to make her happy.... but that a girl had to do what she had to do.

[edgeof27]

Loveshackers;

 

as many of us now,

 

the use of the word "space",

 

has its own very special meaning,

 

for the uninitiated, this word; "space", when used in the "Final Solution Speech", means just one thing,

 

actually it means everything, from;

 

"hey hun; I just need some space", to

 

"hey hun; it's definently, absolutely, 200%, finished, get out now or I call the Cops",

 

It is actually over, despite times when someone might say;

 

"hey hun, I love you, give me $500.00 for stuff, you know.....eh", or,

 

"hey hun, I love you, give me $2000.00 for a month in Myrtle Beach, with my parents.....eh",

 

Resistance is Futile;

 

..........it's over..........

 

"Space, ....the Final Frontier...."

 

g.