sunbrite Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm very confused as to what I should do with my relationship to my bf. We've been together for almost 4 years. Living together, he's 30 and I'm 24. Our sense of humors are the same but lately it seems like that's the only thing that is. We often times don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things and we've come to realize existing behavior of eachother that we don't know if we can live with forever. For instance, he doesn't let me do a lot with the house, like I would love a coffee table but he says no because it's a small space. I agree but it would be very homie to have something like that. Basically, everything is his way or no way. I had a hell-of-a-time getting him to finally let me paint the bathroom. it is his house but I moved in so it should be ours. I'm rambling. Basically we've had a few talks lately that basically came down to we're not sure about us anymore but we want to end on good notes if we so choose to end. In the mean time, I THINK we're just going about our daily lives as normal with eachother to see how and where things go. I'm just very confused because yes, sometimes I think of being alone and am very confident of it but I really couldn't imagine life without him. But then I think - what life? we don't spend time like a normal couple, he takes his vacation time and goes out west hunting and I take mine however I want. we don't get up on Saturday mornings and go shopping or anything, he's usually gone or busy doing something and I just do whatever. although, isn't this a good thing because then i have free time too?
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So you're room-mates with sex? It's his house and you just kinda rent some space. I see. I would say that if you have your own home, go to it. Stay out of contact with one another, for a whole month. Get on with your lives, but make a definite appointment to meet, on a specific date, for a "touch-base" discussion. That will tell you what you need to know.
Author sunbrite Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 So you're room-mates with sex? It's his house and you just kinda rent some space. I see. I would say that if you have your own home, go to it. Stay out of contact with one another, for a whole month. Get on with your lives, but make a definite appointment to meet, on a specific date, for a "touch-base" discussion. That will tell you what you need to know. I don't have my own home. if we split up I would move in with a girlfriend. I really couldn't afford a place of my own and I wouldn't really like it because I lived alone for 6 months - it's lonely. Taking a break would be a good thing but I can't really just pick up and stay wherever, I have a cat so she comes with. I love my cat. I hate that it sounds like I am making an excuse... what do you suggest....
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I suggest that you therefore submit to counselling. Because without action, this is going nowhere fast. You have a lot of issues to discuss (his controlling attitude, for a start) and without professional guidance, it's going to deteriorate beyond help.
Author sunbrite Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I suggest that you therefore submit to counselling. Because without action, this is going nowhere fast. You have a lot of issues to discuss (his controlling attitude, for a start) and without professional guidance, it's going to deteriorate beyond help. we've gone through 10 weeks of couples counseling. you see, about a year ago there was some infidelity (on my end) and we ended up working it out and going to counseling. now a year later it's not that there's anyone else, we just wonder if we're really IT for eachother.
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Well, put it this way. My fellah and I have had our ups and downs in the past 4 years, but that question has never come up. Ever. Not even in anger. If you're actually asking the question, the answer is..... probably not..... it's always possible. We can't always be compatible with the people we love. Read that again. It's exactly so.
Author sunbrite Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 so last weekend we had another break up talk, a very mature one and everything has been great since then. He hasn't got on my case about anything. well last night, it started again. the nagging. I'll tell you the specifics: we have a basket on the kitchen table for mail. Normally he puts my mail on the counter or the table and his in the basket. I usually throw mine all away because it's usually junk anyway. well, it happened to be in the basket so I said (kind of jokenly but kind of not) I thought you put my mail on the table so I see it for sure. He starts going on about how I'll see it if it's on the table or in the basket and says "you know, there used to be a time when you agreed with me on things". As he's explaining the "you can see it wherever it is" he's talking to me in a condescending way. It makes me feel like sh*t. So then, another things, I fall asleep on the couch at like 7:30/8pm last night. Then I wake up for a 9pm show and then go back to bed at 10pm. I was really tired. Well then this morning he's saying things like "how can you be tired (because I didn't wake up and jump out of bed which I never do, I'm a groggy sleeper, he knows this but never lets it go) you may as well call in sick so you can sleep all day, you should be jumping off the walls." I can't handle him anymore. It's a very hard thing to explain, it's almost as if I have to give these specific examples. I feel though, from my heart, that he just doesn't love me like I want to be loved. I don't want someone to nag me in the morning because I'm "sleeping late" or someone to start griping because I was confused on where the mail goes. This is crap.
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 well last night, it started again. the nagging...........As he's explaining the "you can see it wherever it is" he's talking to me in a condescending way. It makes me feel like sh*t. .......I can't handle him anymore. It's a very hard thing to explain, it's almost as if I have to give these specific examples. I feel though, from my heart, that he just doesn't love me like I want to be loved. This is crap. Well, I guess the question remains: Just how long are you prepared to put up with this? The section in Bold, above, is exactly what the crux is. That and his nagging, controlling behaviour. He's treating you like you're 5..... When are you going to tell him it's over?
Author sunbrite Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I don't know. As soon as I wrap my head around it I guess. I will initiate a talk within the next couple of nights and we'll probably come to an agreement then.
Edna07 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 The controlling behavior is a huge red flag for me. My husband was the same way when we were dating. Wouldn't let me make changes in the house. (He moved into my apartment) Every time I had a suggestion, he would shoot it down. He somehow talked me into getting rid of all my decorative stuff, candles, etc. I'm now in a big pickle because I'm married to him and have 2 kids with him and the controlling behavior has gotten even worse.
Edna07 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Oh and I just read the other post about him nagging you and you "can't do anything right." Oh my... run... run out of this relationship. The controlling behavior, nagging, "walking on eggshells" only gets worse. I know what you mean about having to give examples to explain it. Next, the anger will come. Example - it was our anniversary and I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes. My husband was cutting a new screen for our screen door. he's talking to me about his day, this and that - we're having a good conversation. I go to tell him something about my work and all of a sudden, he yells, "Jesus f**king Christ! Can't you see I'm TRYING to do something here!?" He had cut the screen and it was obviously my fault.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I feel though, from my heart, that he just doesn't love me like I want to be loved. There's a difference between "He doesn't love me like" and "He doesn't love like". He may just be one of those people that can't express emotion in the way that meets your needs. Some people can allow themselves to be vulnerable and let you in and some can't (probably more true with men). Either way, unless you're willing to spend a long time wishing for what you don't have, probably won't work... Mr. Lucky
Author sunbrite Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Oh and I just read the other post about him nagging you and you "can't do anything right." Oh my... run... run out of this relationship. The controlling behavior, nagging, "walking on eggshells" only gets worse. I know what you mean about having to give examples to explain it. Next, the anger will come. Example - it was our anniversary and I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes. My husband was cutting a new screen for our screen door. he's talking to me about his day, this and that - we're having a good conversation. I go to tell him something about my work and all of a sudden, he yells, "Jesus f**king Christ! Can't you see I'm TRYING to do something here!?" He had cut the screen and it was obviously my fault. how long were you together before he flipped out on you?
Author sunbrite Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 There's a difference between "He doesn't love me like" and "He doesn't love like". He may just be one of those people that can't express emotion in the way that meets your needs. Some people can allow themselves to be vulnerable and let you in and some can't (probably more true with men). Either way, unless you're willing to spend a long time wishing for what you don't have, probably won't work... Mr. Lucky yes, you're very right. I think he can't express his emotions. We've established that in counseling. He can't even tell me once in a while that he loves me. He NEVER says it. I don't want to go through life feeling under appreciated.
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Counselling is all very well, providing if once iussues are clarified, confronted and owned, the person makes a conscious decision to work upon whatever needs resolving. It sounds as if he knows precisely what his problem is. But hey, he's not up to actually doing anything about it.... In that case, that's not 'counselling'. That's 'venting'. Not very productive, was it? This indicates that he doesn't think enough of this relationship to actually address the issues and resolve them. It's like he's saying - "Well, you know what's wrong with me. So suck it up and get used to it, because that's just the way I am."
Author sunbrite Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Counselling is all very well, providing if once iussues are clarified, confronted and owned, the person makes a conscious decision to work upon whatever needs resolving. It sounds as if he knows precisely what his problem is. But hey, he's not up to actually doing anything about it.... In that case, that's not 'counselling'. That's 'venting'. Not very productive, was it? This indicates that he doesn't think enough of this relationship to actually address the issues and resolve them. It's like he's saying - "Well, you know what's wrong with me. So suck it up and get used to it, because that's just the way I am." well yes, but sometimes, like last night (i forgot what it was about) he said "i'll try to work on it." but he won't. or he will for a short time. I'm more of the one that says "this is how I am, it's not going to change." The example of him waking me up the other morning - I said, I am never going to wake up and jump out of bed. I'm not a perky person in the morning and that's never going to change. do you expect to change me? And it kinda sounded like yes, he expects me to change. this is going around in circles. But what worries me is breaking up with someone that does try to work on changing. Although I think this just has come down to telling me he'll try better because that's what he wants to hear when he complains about something. uuuuuuugggggghhh.
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 You can't change temperament or characteristic. You can try to modify them, but they're pretty much imprinted. My partner can fall asleep in under a minute. I kid you not. He could sleep for England, too..... I had an idea at some point that it was maybe down to his sleep apnoea, but his son, is exactly the same, And he don't suffer of that. Personality can be changed, and learnt behaviours. These are changeable. Learnt behaviours and conditioning due to circumstances in being brought up. Your "perkiness" is more difficult to modify. His personality traits should be worked on. As they say - "Actions speak louder than words". It takes effort and commitment, both to a constant level. If he's just playing at it now and then, a week here, a few days there - he's just not into making any committed effort to change. Is he?
Author sunbrite Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 You can't change temperament or characteristic. You can try to modify them, but they're pretty much imprinted. My partner can fall asleep in under a minute. I kid you not. He could sleep for England, too..... I had an idea at some point that it was maybe down to his sleep apnoea, but his son, is exactly the same, And he don't suffer of that. Personality can be changed, and learnt behaviours. These are changeable. Learnt behaviours and conditioning due to circumstances in being brought up. Your "perkiness" is more difficult to modify. His personality traits should be worked on. As they say - "Actions speak louder than words". It takes effort and commitment, both to a constant level. If he's just playing at it now and then, a week here, a few days there - he's just not into making any committed effort to change. Is he? He's good for about a week - totally nice, doesn't get annoyed with me or talk to me like a child and then all of a sudden one day, like a week later, it's back to normal. I'm just going to ask him what he thinks is becoming of this? what, are we going to stay together and just hope things get better? or more intelligently break up and figure out what we both want. he said it's a matter of 'if' we get married. I guess if he wants to stay together that means marriage someday and at this rate, neither of us wants to be married (to anyone).
Edna07 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 how long were you together before he flipped out on you? The first time he did it, we were together about 6 months I think. We were supposed to go to his friend's cabin on the lake. We had eaten lunch. He had been off all morning. He went to take a shower and I heard him in the shower talking to himself. He was saying, "Yep - she's a f**king fat a** piece of sh*t. Lazy. Stupid." I was standing there like, "OMG." He came out of the bathroom and I said, "I am not going anywhere with you today." He was like, "Why?" I said, "Maybe you shouldn't talk to yourself in the shower. I heard everything you said." He turned it around on me. Said he was "just frustrated because I don't take care of myself." From there, he would get angry with me probably every 5-6 months or so. Then it just became more and more frequent after I got pregnant.
Author sunbrite Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 The first time he did it, we were together about 6 months I think. We were supposed to go to his friend's cabin on the lake. We had eaten lunch. He had been off all morning. He went to take a shower and I heard him in the shower talking to himself. He was saying, "Yep - she's a f**king fat a** piece of sh*t. Lazy. Stupid." I was standing there like, "OMG." He came out of the bathroom and I said, "I am not going anywhere with you today." He was like, "Why?" I said, "Maybe you shouldn't talk to yourself in the shower. I heard everything you said." He turned it around on me. Said he was "just frustrated because I don't take care of myself." From there, he would get angry with me probably every 5-6 months or so. Then it just became more and more frequent after I got pregnant. wow. that's horrible. well my bf doesn't flip out or anything so I have that going for me.. have you seriously ever considered leaving?
Edna07 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Oh yes. I sat him down several times and told him how miserable I am over the way he treats me. I feel like he is hyper-critical... I can't do anything right. I walk on eggshells around him, etc. etc. etc. Every time he has blown up at me and said he's sick of my bullsh*t. I take one thing and focus on it. I'm a drama queen, blah blah blah. The last time I sat him down was the night before NYE. Same song and dance - I'm miserable, I'm walking on eggshells, etc. (except this time I had a couple examples where he forcibly tossed our children during one of his anger episodes - they are babies - only 19 months and 7 months). I told him it was counseling or it's over. He went into a rage at me but finally agreed to go to counseling. So we went to counseling about 4 times. The counselor agreed he had major anger issues and needed to get them under control. The marriage counseling ended and he is in individual counseling. The counselor also suggested that we separate as I don't have "an emotionally safe place". So he has been out of the house for almost 3 weeks. I've never felt better - I can relax. I am really leaning toward divorce.
Edna07 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Oh but the control builds up over time and then turns into anger. He has slowly taken control over my life. I did the grocery shopping "wrong" so he does it now. I cook "wrong" so he does it now. I clean wrong - he doesn't do it, but he'll still tell me I do it wrong. I diaper the kids wrong - I should do it "this" way. and on and on and on and on
Author sunbrite Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 he's never gotten like anything like yet. we've been together for 4 years. Which makes me wonder, am I making a mistake?
Edna07 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Yeah, I didn't really realize what was going on until we were about 5 1/2 years into our relationship, honestly.
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