DJMarky Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 ...have any of you ever broken up with someone for not having the right career? No. I think this is ridiculous. Unless I found out that she was working at a brothel at night, or an occupation she did not tell me about that I did not condone (eg. stripper) then there would be no reason. If you truly want to be with someone, you will support them with whatever they choose to do. Did he start dating you under the assumption that you would continue playing Banjo and compliment his music? That just sounds ridiculous. If you had a gf who was a writer/bellydancer/pattern designer/filmmaker, would you be at all interested in that? Would any of those things be worth anything to you, or would you view it all as so worthless that you would dump her for not having the exact same career as you? Is the first question rhetorical? I would think that would be amazing attributes for a girl. From only a few comments I have read of yours I can tell you are smart, witty and funny, that combined with those skill sets makes for a very desirable person. The second question just makes me laugh. I am a web developer/software engineer, I don't think in my field I would find a girl that weighed under 100kg. So, simply, I do not require the girl I date to have any interest in my occupation. Infact, none of my girlfriends had any interest whatsoever. What you are proposing here is that if you continued playing Banjo he would have stayed with you because that is the career path he chose (music). That is like me breaking up with a girl because she canceled her programming lessons because she didn't have the money. It's a lame excuse. If he was really looking for someone who would compliment his career and was expecting you to become an elite Banjo player that could bust out a solo and get the money coming in then he had highly unrealistic expectations. You can't keep kicking yourself for what has happened, and thinking what if? How can you move forward then? You did NOTHING wrong. If he left you because of that then it doesn't even sound like the relationship would have worked in the long run, since he was so obsessed with his career that it didn't matter what your passions were aslong as you were doing what he wanted. I know this is not exactly the same thing, but I got a $500 fine and 8 demerit points for not wearing a seat belt when I was moving my car a short distance (changing parking spots). That night I kept going, why!? why!? All I needed to do was put on my freaking seatbelt and I wouldn't be in a sitation where I am so close to losing my license and $500 short. Then I realised, what is the point on dwelling on what ifs? It wasn't going to make it go away. What kind of a relationship is it where someone breaks up with you because you aren't playing Banjo. It just doesn't make sense. Stop kicking yourself! It won't help you get better. Seriously, you sound like a cool chick. You just need a guy who will appreciate who you are and your decisions and not expect you to help his career. Hope this helps.
D-Lish Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Okay, people suffering from borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder are childish and immature. I think that's one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-IV, isn't it? Whatever. I am used to people thinking in very black-or-white terms about mental illness. It makes it easier for "normal" people to understand us "crazy" ones. Yes, I am on meds. I take Lamictal (mood stabilizer), Cymbalta (antidepressant) and Seroquel (mood stabilizer/sleeping pill.) That Seroquel freakin' knocked me on my ass.... Pretty strong stuff. You're not crazy Sedge- and no one is normal- if they are- they're boring. Bottom line here- is that you're still obsessing over this guy and it's been forever since you broke up. You ignore your own achievements, you see no value in yourself without his validation. If you're at the point where you are feeling suicidal over this- it's time for a med change. For some reason, you've internalized your ex's issues and made it your personal burden. You're suffering terribly, still, after all this time. All your accomplishments, all your wonderful assets.... and all you see is that you can't measure up to the standards of a narcissist. What is it going to take for you to embrace your achievements and learn to love and appreciate yourself?
rebmalove Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I'm really not sure why I'm continuing to take up oxygen. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for it. I feel the same way... I keep on putting one foot in front of the other, writing books, dancing, etc, and yet with every day that he doesn't call, it gets harder, and those things become more and more worthless and irrelevant. You are so strong! I wish that I could do all those things and maintain my sanity. Look at you, look at your accomplishments... You're awesome! I'm not sure why I should stick around. All I want is his forgiveness, and I'll never get it, because I'm not a musician. Do you think that if I started playing the fiddle now, that maybe in four or five years I would be good enough to play for him and have him forgive me? I keep dreaming about that, but I'm not sure I could ever be a good enough fiddle player to even turn his head. His forgiveness for what? Because you don't play a stringed instrument?? That guy is crazy, clearly you are his loss, and your'e good enough without him! He called me out of the blue last June, after dumping me the July before. When he called, it was all, "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm on tour, sitting here in a hotel in Kansas, and I thought I should stop being such a recluse and get in touch with some people I hadn't talked to in a while." I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about, and he continued talking about himself, and I cut him off and told him he really hurt me, and that when I told him I loved him unconditionally, always, I meant it, but it was all or nothing. I told him he lost his chance to be friends with me a long time ago. Then I asked him if he had anything else to say, and he said nothing, so I said, "Okay, I love you, bye," and I hung up. Since then, not a single word. It tears my heart out, but at least I acted a lot stronger than I actually am. quote] I think him talking about himself is what ended this this relationship, it was all about him and what he wanted. He didn't care about you, that bastard! I'm sorry, I just think you are an amazing woman with so much character and I wish that you can see that ure better than that, and you were better than that. You were and are too good for him.
Author sedgwick Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 I very, very, VERY unexpectedly kissed someone tonight for the first time in 19 months. Nothing's going to come of it, we're not going to date or anything like that, but I kissed someone. Weird. I didn't get sick. I didn't feel anything like what I felt when I kissed Joe, but I don't really expect to ever feel that again. Just the fact that I didn't puke or cry is something, I suppose. The fact that someone WANTED to kiss me blows my mind. I can't quite come to terms with it. I feel like my sexuality walked out the door with Joe, and I've completely shut that part of me down since he left.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I feel like my sexuality walked out the door Well, say 'hello' to it, cos looks like it is ready to walk back IN through that door, does it not? Perhaps? How DID the kiss feel? Did your body give any clues that it's ready to be turned back 'on' again?
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I very, very, VERY unexpectedly kissed someone tonight for the first time in 19 months. Nothing's going to come of it, we're not going to date or anything like that, but I kissed someone. Weird. I didn't get sick. I didn't feel anything like what I felt when I kissed Joe, but I don't really expect to ever feel that again. Just the fact that I didn't puke or cry is something, I suppose. The fact that someone WANTED to kiss me blows my mind. I can't quite come to terms with it. I feel like my sexuality walked out the door with Joe, and I've completely shut that part of me down since he left. This is progress! Even if nothing comes of it, it's progress! it's a step in the right direction, and knowing that someone wanted to kiss you is a huge ego boost, which is something you need right now! Go you!
theloveboat Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Why are you allowing someone else's opinion of what you do dictate how you feel about yourself? If you'd rather do dance than banjo, do dance. I realize you had to pick one. You sound like a flipping doormat. How about this...the next man you're with, just do EVERYTHING he ever asks or insinuates of you and don't you dare formulate any thoughts or interests on your own, okay?
rebmalove Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 yay for progress!!!! I'm glad for you Sorry about my other reply, i don't know how to quote correctly
Author sedgwick Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 How about this...the next man you're with, just do EVERYTHING he ever asks or insinuates of you and don't you dare formulate any thoughts or interests on your own, okay? Sure seems like that's what most men want...I mean, if I'd been more like him, he'd still be here, right?
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 ...I mean, if I'd been more like him, he'd still be here, right? Actually, Sedg, I don't think so. I think Joe's insecurities would have led him to find some OTHER reason that he wasn't good enough for you, and he would have turned THAT reason around on you, too. Secure men are perfectly happy and capable of accepting terrific women, and not needing to try to tear such women to shreds.
Lishy Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Sure seems like that's what most men want...I mean, if I'd been more like him, he'd still be here, right? WRONG!!! Joe was a man who had his own demons Sedge. He did not leave you because you could not play a fiddle. If you could have played a fiddle like a pro he would have still left. People split up Sedge and I believe that you are basing all of your insecurities and bad feeling on him and that is very normal considering the illness you have. You have come so far Sedge, don't let some smelly anorexic fiddle player bring you down like this. There will be plenty of new men who will want to kiss you, and date you, as soon as you get out of this funk and realise that Joe is not the problem, your illness is and you are doing all you can to get out of this. Remember all the therapy you went through that made you feel so much better? Maybe it is time to give it another shot? You are wonderful (not that you will accept that) and you will be happy one day.
PinkToes Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hey there, I know there is no fixed timeline for getting over an ex, and I do understand your pain. Whatever the reason, it just hurts. I know you're doing the best you can to cope. I just had a crazy thought. I'm wondering whether your frustration over Joe not seeing the value in your accomplishments has something to do with your frustration that your accomplishments aren't enough to help you feel better about you? Your worth as a person is so much deeper than that, but you don't seem quite as concerned that he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't accept your value as a loving, caring, worthwhile human being. For him to not value and be impressed by your accomplishments makes no sense at all; thus the confusion. For him to not see your value as a person does make sense, if you're not at peace with yourself either. Trying to figure out why he did what he did gives him all the power. Trying to figure out why you feel inadequate where he is/was concerned (which I know you are doing in therapy) will help you get your power back. Hope that makes a little bit of sense. I am sorry for your pain.
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