It's so rough, and I need to know...

[sedgwick]

...have any of you ever broken up with someone for not having the right career?

 

I just came out of my shrink's office where I cried for yet another f*cking hour over him and how badly I need his forgiveness to go on. I just cannot forgive myself for having allowed lack of money to make me quit banjo lessons. I could only afford banjo or dance, and because I'm in a company and have to take company class, I chose dance. It was really important to him, I now see, that I continued to play music. I can't stop kicking myself for quitting.

 

If you had a gf who was a writer/bellydancer/pattern designer/filmmaker, would you be at all interested in that? Would any of those things be worth anything to you, or would you view it all as so worthless that you would dump her for not having the exact same career as you?

 

Sometimes I feel like I just can't go on. I am so exhausted and heartbroken. I want to start playing music again, but I actually put my banjo out with the trash a couple of months ago because I couldn't look at it without crying. I wanted some girl who was worth something to have it.

 

I'm really not sure why I'm continuing to take up oxygen. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for it. I keep on putting one foot in front of the other, writing books, dancing, etc, and yet with every day that he doesn't call, it gets harder, and those things become more and more worthless and irrelevant.

 

I have had to up my dose of sleep meds from 25 mg to 400 mg (yes, that's 400, not 40) just to pass out and stay asleep through the nightmares about seeing him with someone else. Every single night, without fail, for 19 months, I have had these dreams. I am terrified to sleep and fight the sleep meds for as long as I can before I pass out. Then I dream about him until I wake up in a cold sweat, and then I face another day.

 

I'm not sure why I should stick around. All I want is his forgiveness, and I'll never get it, because I'm not a musician. Do you think that if I started playing the fiddle now, that maybe in four or five years I would be good enough to play for him and have him forgive me? I keep dreaming about that, but I'm not sure I could ever be a good enough fiddle player to even turn his head.

 

He called me out of the blue last June, after dumping me the July before. When he called, it was all, "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm on tour, sitting here in a hotel in Kansas, and I thought I should stop being such a recluse and get in touch with some people I hadn't talked to in a while." I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about, and he continued talking about himself, and I cut him off and told him he really hurt me, and that when I told him I loved him unconditionally, always, I meant it, but it was all or nothing. I told him he lost his chance to be friends with me a long time ago. Then I asked him if he had anything else to say, and he said nothing, so I said, "Okay, I love you, bye," and I hung up. Since then, not a single word. It tears my heart out, but at least I acted a lot stronger than I actually am.

 

If I'd known I'd spend 19 months mourning a 10-month relationship, with no end in sight, I'd have jumped off a f*cking bridge before it ever started.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Sedg.

Could I implore you to call your shrink right away?

 

It's difficult being on 'this side' because there really is nothing I can think to say or do.

All I know is that I care enough about you -- the writing/belly dancing/pattern designing/filmmaking you...WITH all your real and perceived shortcomings -- I care enough about that 'you' to want you to get the best support and guidance to which you have access.

 

So. Could I implore you to call your shrink right away?

 

Thanks, Sedg.

[Treasa]

From your words, I strongly feel that you don't think you aren't good enough. I think that deep down your true feelings are more like, "WTF? I'm ALL THESE THINGS and he still broke up with me?"

 

I think you're angry at him and not understanding that you could be the most amazing person in the world, and still not be what someone wants in a partner.

 

This guy isn't as great as you make him out to be, and you know. I can tell from the somewhat passive-aggressive way you write about him. You've said many unflattering things about him, and many flattering things about yourself, and I think you're astounded that he dumped you.

 

Mind you, these are only my opinions. But they're what I truly believe.

 

I think the problem you're having has nothing to do with him and everything to do with how you feel about yourself and how you feel like you've been shaken to your very core. You're translating his breaking up with you over music into a personal slam on you as a person.

 

And sorry to say, but that's crap.

 

There's nothing anyone on this forum can say to make you believe in yourself. There's nothing we can say to bring him back. You're perpetuating your own beliefs with your negative thoughts. The more you say it, the more you believe it, and then you say it even more.

 

You count on people here to keep your self-esteem buoyed up. But that's temporary. What are you going to do one day if and when people stop telling you how amazing you are? Who's going to do it for you?

 

That's right. YOU ARE.

 

I understand what it's like to not only be incredibly creative, but also a perfectionist. But at some point you have to accept the way things are, and be determined to be happy despite them.

 

You could take up every freaking hobby in the world, become an expert at all of them, and STILL not be happy.

 

This has NOTHING to do with you not being a musician.

[Treasa]

Hey Sedgwick, let me ask you something, and please answer honestly.

 

Are you a competitive person? If another girl joins your dance class and does extremely well and gets a lot of attention, do you get jealous? If your ex were to fall for someone who was really talented, but also not a musician, would it burn you up?

[sedgwick]

If your ex were to fall for someone who was really talented, but also not a musician, would it burn you up?

 

If I found out he was with someone else, I honestly think I would attempt suicide. I am seriously considering it as it is.

 

I do not need people here to buoy me up. I know I am a worthless piece of sh*t.

 

I just left my shrink's office, so calling her wouldn't do a lot of good.

[Treasa]

What's keeping you from killing yourself? And I mean that genuinely.

 

What would you do if the cops showed up at your door right now because you're saying you want to? That happened to me over the summer, and it was a huge wake up call.

 

I hope you do realize that I will inform the police if you're serious, and I'm quite certain they can track you with LS's help.

 

So are you serious? Or are you in incredible pain and want someone to get out of it?

[Treasa]

I have a couple more questions, if you'll indulge me:

 

1. What would you do if you became a world-famous fiddler, played for him, and he said, "Sedg, I forgive you for not being good enough before. I still don't want to be with you, but I forgive you for not being good enough before."

 

What would your TRUE reaction be? You'd be pissed, wouldn't you?

 

2. What if you learned how to fiddle (God that sounds dirty for some reason) and hated it, but he wanted to try again with you, all because of that one change?

 

What would your TRUE reaction be?

[sedgwick]

What's keeping you from killing yourself? And I mean that genuinely.

 

What would you do if the cops showed up at your door right now because you're saying you want to? That happened to me over the summer, and it was a huge wake up call.

 

I hope you do realize that I will inform the police if you're serious, and I'm quite certain they can track you with LS's help.

 

So are you serious? Or are you in incredible pain and want someone to get out of it?

 

Oh for the love of god, don't go hunting me down, I'm completely and totally not worth it. I know you need me to give you some sort of reason I won't kill myself, so, uh...I have dance rehearsal tonight and I have to go. Is that good enough?

[sedgwick]

1. What would you do if you became a world-famous fiddler, played for him, and he said, "Sedg, I forgive you for not being good enough before. I still don't want to be with you, but I forgive you for not being good enough before."

 

What would your TRUE reaction be? You'd be pissed, wouldn't you?

 

2. What if you learned how to fiddle (God that sounds dirty for some reason) and hated it, but he wanted to try again with you, all because of that one change?

 

What would your TRUE reaction be?

 

1. I'd be thrilled with his forgiveness.

2. I'd be ecstatic. I'd give up all the stupid non-worthwhile art forms in which I currently indulge and play the fiddle for the rest of my life.

[Treasa]

Oh for the love of god, don't go hunting me down, I'm completely and totally not worth it. I know you need me to give you some sort of reason I won't kill myself, so, uh...I have dance rehearsal tonight and I have to go. Is that good enough?

 

I take suicide threats very seriously. It's an immature, childish thing to threaten suicide and scare people. If you're desperate for help and in a lot of pain, just say so. Trust me, I understand.

 

And I feel (almost) everyone is worth it. I think you're worth it, and I don't even know you. So really, don't try me.

 

Can you stick around and tell me if this guy is the first guy to ever tell you you're not good enough? (Even if it's BS and not true)

[sunshinegirl]

...have any of you ever broken up with someone for not having the right career?

 

What do you want to hear, exactly?

 

In my opinion, there is no answer to this question that is going to make you feel better.

 

Poster: "No, because that's totally stupid."

Sedgwick: "But my EX wasn't stupid, and therefore I must really be scum for him to reject me for such a stupid reason! I suuuuuuck!!!!"

 

Poster: "Yes, yes, I have, actually."

Sedgwick: "You're a shallow jerk!" (but EX is still a wonderful human being, somehow, in all of this. He's different.)

 

Poster: "Yes, yes, I have, actually."

Sedgwick: "EX, is that you? Please, take me back! Pleeeeeeeasssssse!"

 

If you go back and print out every thread you've started, you will notice two things: (1) you are asking exactly the same questions today as you were 9 months or a year ago; and (2) we have been saying the same things to you for months. Months! Affirming things, supportive things, realistic things, balanced things. And they're not sinking in, Sedg, or making any kind of discernable difference in your healing.

 

What do you want from us at this point?

[Treasa]

1. I'd be thrilled with his forgiveness.

2. I'd be ecstatic. I'd give up all the stupid non-worthwhile art forms in which I currently indulge and play the fiddle for the rest of my life.

 

Girl, that's a lie and you know it. You love your "stupid non-worthwhile art forms." YOU LOVE THEM. To hell with what HE likes. You are living your life. You aren't living his, and he isn't living yours. Take charge of your own happiness.

[sedgwick]

Sunshinegirl, if you know exactly what I'm going to say and exactly what I think, why even read my posts? Just skip 'em and tell yourself everything they say. Oh, and "ex" is not capitalized.

 

I would, without hesitation, give up everything I do to have him back. I'd devote the rest of my life to the fiddle if it would make him forgive me. I am being 100% honest about that.

 

And I guess I'm selfish and stupid and childish and immature for being so depressed I'd consider suicide. That's okay. You can call me whatever names you want, I'm calling myself worse.

 

I am crippled by a need for forgiveness. I've gotten to a point where I can't really leave the house unless I chant to myself over and over, "I hate you, I hate you." I have to keep punishing myself in case there are any musicians on the street being annoyed with me for taking up the sidewalk. This past weekend I had an opportunity to go to a big benefit and promote my film, but they had bands there, and I asked if the bass players were male or female. When I found out they were all male, I stayed at home with my stack of hand-crocheted business cards (yes, really -- I crochet granny squares and make buttons out of Shrinky Dinks with my URL and sew them on) and I hid under the covers and cried. I had this amazing opportunity and I stayed home because I didn't want to maybe take up space where a bass player or another musician wanted to stand or sit.

 

This is the degree to which I need his forgiveness. Hell, right now I'd settle for just being able to leave the house without having to chant.

[lonelygurl]

I take suicide threats very seriously. It's an immature, childish thing to threaten suicide and scare people.

 

 

sorry but that statement isn't going to help someone who is deeply depressed and feeling suicidal. It is not a childish thing to do when someone feels they are suicidal. Obvisiouly she is under the care of her pdoc, and I'm sure he/she knows of her wishes of her suicidal ideation.

[Treasa]

Don't take this as an insult, but are you on medication besides sleeping pills?

[Treasa]

sorry but that statement isn't going to help someone who is deeply depressed and feeling suicidal. It is not a childish thing to do when someone feels they are suicidal. Obvisiouly she is under the care of her pdoc, and I'm sure he/she knows of her wishes of her suicidal ideation.

 

I call it as I see it. There are people who love her, and to threaten suicide and hurt a lot of people who care about her IS childish and immature.

[sedgwick]

Okay, people suffering from borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder are childish and immature. I think that's one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-IV, isn't it? Whatever. I am used to people thinking in very black-or-white terms about mental illness. It makes it easier for "normal" people to understand us "crazy" ones.

 

Yes, I am on meds. I take Lamictal (mood stabilizer), Cymbalta (antidepressant) and Seroquel (mood stabilizer/sleeping pill.)

[Ronni_W]

I just left my shrink's office, so calling her wouldn't do a lot of good.

Yes, you had mentioned that. My point was, if YOU feel that you need/want professional assistance to get you through your current thoughts, then get that help.

 

For what it's worth, my view of suicide: It's a choice...a personal choice and a spiritual choice. It's all about 'Free Will' and, ultimately, nobody can interfere with anybody else's.

 

Suicide is NOT a device that allows us to escape anything. It is NOT a permanent solution, even though we think of it that way.

And (threat of) suicide ought not be used as a tool to bring us the things that we REALLY want and need but for which we don't have the awareness, courage or humility to ask.

 

If your shrink will help you through this, then it doesn't matter if you just left her office. How could THAT matter?

 

Hugs, Sedg. I totally accept and allow that you have Free Will, and you are going to use it as you see fit and are guided by your own Intuition/Soul.

[Treasa]

Okay, people suffering from borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder are childish and immature. I think that's one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-IV, isn't it? Whatever. I am used to people thinking in very black-or-white terms about mental illness. It makes it easier for "normal" people to understand us "crazy" ones.

 

Yes, I am on meds. I take Lamictal (mood stabilizer), Cymbalta (antidepressant) and Seroquel (mood stabilizer/sleeping pill.)

 

Now you're just twisting around my words. But at least it means you're getting angry, which is a good thing. It's interesting how I say I care about you and tell you that I think that threatening suicide is immature and childish (not having a mental illness,which I also have), and you get angry at me, but your ex dumps you for what I think is a stupid reason, and you're not angry at him.

 

For the record, I have OCD, clinical depression, separation anxiety disorder, and panic disorder.

 

Are your meds able to interact with each other without any negative consequences? I ask because I get my Effexor from one pharmacy, and my Temazepam and Xanax from another pharmacy, so I could totally be taking meds that ought not be taken together, and my pharmacists/doctors might never know. Is it the same doctor who prescribed all these meds? Have you tried anything else?

 

Oh, also, you have a PM.

[lonelygurl]

...have any of you ever broken up with someone for not having the right career?

 

 

no but possibly for lack of career and money.

 

 

 

 

I just came out of my shrink's office where I cried for yet another f*cking hour over him and how badly I need his forgiveness to go on. I just cannot forgive myself for having allowed lack of money to make me quit banjo lessons. I could only afford banjo or dance, and because I'm in a company and have to take company class, I chose dance. It was really important to him, I now see, that I continued to play music. I can't stop kicking myself for quitting.

 

 

I understand how you would cry after leaving your pdoc's. Therapy is not meant to be easy. That is why most people don't stick with it. They think it is to be all happy times, but in reality it is rough. You are bringing up stuff from the past and present and it hurts like hell. It leaves you emotionally raw. I'm sure you have quit playing for reasons that have left you immobilized to play. Have any of your therapist's/pdoc told you that in order to motive yourself you have to force yourself to do it. Motivation will not come on it's own. I understand how hard it is.....we are very much alike.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I feel like I just can't go on. I am so exhausted and heartbroken. I want to start playing music again, but I actually put my banjo out with the trash a couple of months ago because I couldn't look at it without crying. I wanted some girl who was worth something to have it.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with getting rid of things that remind you of him, if they are upsetting. I have rid myself of almost everything that my X gave me. All it does is upset me and make me throw up or come close to throwing up. Break ups are one of the hardest's things in life we experience, next to a death. You are worth something though. You just don't see it right now because you are putting all your value on one person who let you down and betrayed you. You have to find yourself worth in yourself. You, like myself are working on that......remember!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm really not sure why I'm continuing to take up oxygen. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for it. I keep on putting one foot in front of the other, writing books, dancing, etc, and yet with every day that he doesn't call, it gets harder, and those things become more and more worthless and irrelevant.

 

 

You want to continue because deep down you know you want to get better and heal and start doing the things that you used to love doing. For now it is just putting one foot in front of the other but remember as DBT teaches you it is one step foward and a couple of slides backwards...you have to keep going forward. Healing from a break up is like a rollercoaster. You are going to have terrible days where you feel you can't go on, the same as our depression, and days where you can manage to get okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have had to up my dose of sleep meds from 25 mg to 400 mg (yes, that's 400, not 40) just to pass out and stay asleep through the nightmares about seeing him with someone else. Every single night, without fail, for 19 months, I have had these dreams. I am terrified to sleep and fight the sleep meds for as long as I can before I pass out. Then I dream about him until I wake up in a cold sweat, and then I face another day.

 

 

Not sure what med you've upped so much, does your pdoc know? and how do you avoid running out? there are some good med's your pdoc can give you to help you sleep, if he/she hasn't already. Also, have they taken a good look at how your med's are working for your depression?

 

The dreaming is normal and waking up in a sweat.....the facing another day is normal for the depression you have. That is good ole depression for you.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure why I should stick around. All I want is his forgiveness, and I'll never get it, because I'm not a musician. Do you think that if I started playing the fiddle now, that maybe in four or five years I would be good enough to play for him and have him forgive me? I keep dreaming about that, but I'm not sure I could ever be a good enough fiddle player to even turn his head.

 

 

You want forgiveness but as you say you will never get it. Learn to "radically accept" that you will never get it. You have to learn to forgive yourself and accept that he hurt you, betrayed you and left you broken hearted. You know because in reality, if you look at him much deeper I bet it wasn't just about the music. I bet he said that just to be mean and if it wasn't about music he would have found some other excuse to hurt you when he left.

 

 

 

 

 

He called me out of the blue last June, after dumping me the July before. When he called, it was all, "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm on tour, sitting here in a hotel in Kansas, and I thought I should stop being such a recluse and get in touch with some people I hadn't talked to in a while." I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about, and he continued talking about himself, and I cut him off and told him he really hurt me, and that when I told him I loved him unconditionally, always, I meant it, but it was all or nothing. I told him he lost his chance to be friends with me a long time ago. Then I asked him if he had anything else to say, and he said nothing, so I said, "Okay, I love you, bye," and I hung up. Since then, not a single word. It tears my heart out, but at least I acted a lot stronger than I actually am.

 

 

He should have never called you...that was very mean and cruel on his part. Another way for him to gloat in his own high and mighty look at me I'm great self. You acted strong because you are strong....you just don't see it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I'd known I'd spend 19 months mourning a 10-month relationship, with no end in sight, I'd have jumped off a f*cking bridge before it ever started.

 

 

There will be an end........

 

Have you read any books/websites on grieving??? I do know with your depression you more than likely have what they call "complicated grief"

 

 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/print/complicated-grief/DS01023/METHOD=print&DSECTION=all

[lonelygurl]

I call it as I see it. There are people who love her, and to threaten suicide and hurt a lot of people who care about her IS childish and immature.

 

 

call it what you will ....it is a good thing you are not in a mental health job

[lonelygurl]

Yes, you had mentioned that. My point was, if YOU feel that you need/want professional assistance to get you through your current thoughts, then get that help.

 

For what it's worth, my view of suicide: It's a choice...a personal choice and a spiritual choice. It's all about 'Free Will' and, ultimately, nobody can interfere with anybody else's.

 

Suicide is NOT a device that allows us to escape anything. It is NOT a permanent solution, even though we think of it that way.

And (threat of) suicide ought not be used as a tool to bring us the things that we REALLY want and need but for which we don't have the awareness, courage or humility to ask.

 

If your shrink will help you through this, then it doesn't matter if you just left her office. How could THAT matter?

 

Hugs, Sedg. I totally accept and allow that you have Free Will, and you are going to use it as you see fit and are guided by your own Intuition/Soul.

 

Hi Ronnie......not sure with Sedg, but many times pdoc's will decide that not being in hospital even with suicidal thoughts/ideation is better for the patient. I have told my pdoc and counselor even as earlier as last Friday how I would do myself in.

This could be the case for Sedg. Many times being in hospital can make a patient worse especially after being released.

[Ronni_W]

Hiya Gurl.

Copy that. I was thinking more in terms of talking through some things, or doing some type of calming/relieving exercise(s) together -- breathing or guided imagery or somesuch.

Sometimes it can be helpful just connecting with a calm, reassuring, familiar voice.

[gutted1]

...have any of you ever broken up with someone for not having the right career?

 

I just came out of my shrink's office where I cried for yet another f*cking hour over him and how badly I need his forgiveness to go on. I just cannot forgive myself for having allowed lack of money to make me quit banjo lessons. I could only afford banjo or dance, and because I'm in a company and have to take company class, I chose dance. It was really important to him, I now see, that I continued to play music. I can't stop kicking myself for quitting.

 

Dear god!!! are you actually telling me you ex left you because you didn't play the banjo??? If he did he must be the biggest moron on the face of the planet !

 

If you had a gf who was a writer/bellydancer/pattern designer/filmmaker, would you be at all interested in that? Would any of those things be worth anything to you, or would you view it all as so worthless that you would dump her for not having the exact same career as you?

 

I'd completly like a girlfriend that did these things, not being funny but how much cooler could you get ????? I could see why you would be depressed if you worked in a chicken factory or call centre, but you are a writer/bellydancer/pattern designer/filmmaker !!! this is way cool !!!

 

Sometimes I feel like I just can't go on. I am so exhausted and heartbroken. I want to start playing music again, but I actually put my banjo out with the trash a couple of months ago because I couldn't look at it without crying. I wanted some girl who was worth something to have it.

 

Hang on a minute. . . . WTF !! Why do you think you are worthless???

 

You just said you were a writer/bellydancer/pattern designer/filmmaker ??? Now if that isn't a cool girl thats worth a lot i don't know what is ???

 

I'm really not sure why I'm continuing to take up oxygen. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for it. I keep on putting one foot in front of the other, writing books, dancing, etc, and yet with every day that he doesn't call, it gets harder, and those things become more and more worthless and irrelevant.

 

Quite honestly i think that everyday this dick head doesn't call is a blessing !!

 

I have had to up my dose of sleep meds from 25 mg to 400 mg (yes, that's 400, not 40) just to pass out and stay asleep through the nightmares about seeing him with someone else. Every single night, without fail, for 19 months, I have had these dreams. I am terrified to sleep and fight the sleep meds for as long as I can before I pass out. Then I dream about him until I wake up in a cold sweat, and then I face another day.

 

You should feel sorry for anyone else that has the misfortune of getting involved with this guy.

 

I'm not sure why I should stick around. All I want is his forgiveness, and I'll never get it, because I'm not a musician. Do you think that if I started playing the fiddle now, that maybe in four or five years I would be good enough to play for him and have him forgive me? I keep dreaming about that, but I'm not sure I could ever be a good enough fiddle player to even turn his head.

 

Why the fu*k should you want forgiveness for not being a musician ??? You are what you are, and from what you've said you are a cool girl that does cool things, you should be proud of who you are !!!

If he seriously dumped you because you aren't a musician then he really is a class A idiot!!

 

 

He called me out of the blue last June, after dumping me the July before. When he called, it was all, "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm on tour, sitting here in a hotel in Kansas, and I thought I should stop being such a recluse and get in touch with some people I hadn't talked to in a while." I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about, and he continued talking about himself, and I cut him off and told him he really hurt me, and that when I told him I loved him unconditionally, always, I meant it, but it was all or nothing. I told him he lost his chance to be friends with me a long time ago. Then I asked him if he had anything else to say, and he said nothing, so I said, "Okay, I love you, bye," and I hung up. Since then, not a single word. It tears my heart out, but at least I acted a lot stronger than I actually am.

 

By the sounds of it this guy hasn't the capacity to love anyone else but himself !!

 

Why you is bothered by a self absorbed guy like this i just don't know !!

 

Listen there are plenty of really decent guys out their who would like the chance to be with someone like you, someone that is creative and that does so many interesting things.

 

If I'd known I'd spend 19 months mourning a 10-month relationship, with no end in sight, I'd have jumped off a f*cking bridge before it ever started.

 

You don't have to mourn this guy, i personally think you should be thankful to be free and continue to embrace YOUR interests and skills and you will find someone that appriciates your qualitys.

[lonelygurl]

Hiya Gurl.

Copy that. I was thinking more in terms of talking through some things, or doing some type of calming/relieving exercise(s) together -- breathing or guided imagery or somesuch.

Sometimes it can be helpful just connecting with a calm, reassuring, familiar voice.

 

that would work....we are learning mindfulness in DBT. I know sedw is in DBT where she lives.

 

It is hard to feel so low and broken:sick: