Author Cateyes135 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 First of all, thank you to those of you who answered my post in a civilized manner. I had an idea of what I would hear, but the extent of the hostility surprized me. Especially the amount of info that was just assumed, take the time to ask instead of just lashing out. I never made the choice to have an affair for the fun of it. I had and still have feelings for this guy. That's why the A happened, I let my guard down because, normally, he wouldn't be my type at first glance. And it's not like I go around looking for affairs. It was only after I got to know him and care about him did the affair happen. Now about some of the posts. Geishawhelk - It's called "making a choice" and you made it. So don't come the "I don't know how it happened" crap. Please, show me where I'm even trying to say "I don't know how it happened" I know full well I made a choice. Never denied it. I don't hear anything about how you can't leave your H because you love him.... Has he finished his EA? Was he actually sleeping around, like you, or was it just an emotional prop with no sex? I do love H and I have no idea why I didn't type it. KismetGirl - Nice analysis, but wrong in this case. My concern at the time of that post was etiquette. Thought my questions and comments were pretty straightforward. boldjack - Ikjh, This has to be about as clueless as I have seen. This woman has been the cheater, cheatee and everything in between all in 1 year. Every time I read about a woman like this it makes me thankful I don't cheat any more. Disgusting. When I was the OW, it was over 10 yrs ago (I was in my late teens) and had nothing to do w/ H. FTR, it was a dating relationship, no one was married. And trust me, I won't be cheating again. This is the 1 and only time I've done this, and I'm not cut out for it. JamesM - I apologize for the ones here who seem to be seeking to drive anyone out of here that cheats. It is ironic since this is the board for cheating. Thank you so much for everything you said in your posts. You said what I wanted to, but I refuse to respond to that much hatred until I could be calm about it. Thank you again. taylor - Thanks for your post too. Posters will scoff at this..believing that a WS is not capable of being honest with their OW/OM since it's hard to keep an affair alive without lies and deceit. But I do think if you truly care about your OM you can be honest with him. It all depends on whose interests you are attempting to serve...his or yours. Believe it or not, I never told my H a single lie (except by omission). That's how OOC this is for me since I met H. 2sunny - huh? you're alone because he's seeing someone else and NOW contemplating leaving your M? sheeez, this is so predictable as these storeies always go this way. all of a sudden - because he's got a new gal - you decide to make some sort of consideration for movement. don't bother - if you wanted him badly enough, it would have been better to leave your M - start seeing him after that and see if it would work. now your just running after him to keep up and HE has all the power. just walk away. it's only fair to him - but more fair to your family. work on your M to see if it can be repaired. let the OM go and try to find happiness with the new guy. he deserves that chance I am alone so I can do exactly what you've said. I did walk away. I am trying to understand why I cheated and if the cause is fixable.
campobellogirl Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Just keep on doing what you are doing and your husband will have all the more reason to keep the kid>...........you don't need advice what you need is a rude awakening. I hope your H finds out and you'll see whats up
jwi71 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 2sunny - I am alone so I can do exactly what you've said. I did walk away. I am trying to understand why I cheated and if the cause is fixable. But earlier you posted OM is dating someone else. He broke it off w/ me.So which is it? You left him or he left you? This is second your A. Yes, the first one was years ago in your teens. And I can even accept age as a contributing factor. But there is an apparent pattern here...cheating. Why do YOU cheat? What progress have you made in exploring that aspect of yourself? I'm glad to see you are in IC for you personal issues. Personal growth is ALWAYS a good thing. But IC is for you and as you are well aware this A touches more than just you...namely your H and child. Now what about MC? What, in your M, caused you to seek comfort in another? What in your M contributed to your decision to cheat? Do YOU want to remain married to your H? Are YOU willing/able to work on your M? What is YOUR path going forward? Work on the M? Leave the M? Become a better cheater? I would be glad to offer whatever advice/help I can on the first two but I cannot in good conscience help you cheat "better". Not that I would know what to do anyway....
jasminetea Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I think the OP may mean she's walked away from her H and marriage after the OM dumped her. OP - I hope you manage to work something out, but I can't believe you and your H will manage it on your own.
LovieDove24 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 I never made the choice to have an affair for the fun of it. And then you said this Geishawhelk - Please, show me where I'm even trying to say "I don't know how it happened" I know full well I made a choice. Never denied it. I do love H and I have no idea why I didn't type it. I understand that the hostility on these boards is palpable. Many people speak as if they ain't sinners themselves. BUT if you're gonna try and dig yourself out of this one you're gonna have to keep your story straight sweetheart.
Author Cateyes135 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 When I said I walked away, I mean that when he broke it off, I didn't try to stop him. Should have worded it "I let him walk away" LovieDove24, I have my story straight and have nothing to dig out of on here. I said I didn't choose to have A for the fun of it. I'm not denying that I made a choice. I have not walked away from my marriage, I am going home tomorrow, and if I wouldn't be charged for tonight, I would already be home This is a 4 day break to do the things I've mentioned before.
LovieDove24 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 It just sounds misleading, thats all. Because you started the thread saying your affair was just a fling, you weren't attached and didn't want to be. In other words just someone to have a little randy fun with. But now it wasn't just for fun. You did make the concious choice. Anyways, I'm done sticking my nose in. It's all on you to contemplate. I wish you the best. I know that out of our darkest struggles can come the best source of hope if we conciously choose to live our lives right from this moment forth. I just hope for yours and your husbands recovery that your A-man leavin isn't your only motive to make things happen. But, eh. It takes what it takes I guess.
michelangelo Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Except by NOT TELLING HIM THE TRUTH! a lie of omission is a lie, this is as big a lie as there is. You are cheating on your husband. This is not the etiquette issue you seek advice you seek. However, the correct affair etiquette is always to stop cheating on your husband -- period. Then either repair your marriage with the help of marriage counseling OR leaving your marriage and seeking love with someone who is available. Stop the drama, the destruction to your family is huge.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 First of all, thank you to those of you who answered my post in a civilized manner. You have nothing to say about the "civility" of the posts here when your behavior is far from civilized. Affair "ettiquette"??? please I had an idea of what I would hear, but the extent of the hostility surprized me. No more hostile than what you did to your husband. Especially the amount of info that was just assumed Well what part of you having an affair and cheating on your husband don't we get?? take the time to ask instead of just lashing out. I never made the choice to have an affair for the fun of it. It doesn't matter one iota whether you chose an affair or not. Your intentions are irrelevent. What matters is you DID have an affair. I had and still have feelings for this guy. Then divorce your husband. He doesn't deserve a wife whose heart belongs to another man. Now about some of the posts. KismetGirl - Nice analysis, but wrong in this case. My concern at the time of that post was etiquette. And as I said in your other 2 duplicate posts on this story....there is no such thing as affair "ettiquette". Thats like saying there is a right way and a wrong way to sh#t in someone's mouth.
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