skinut2234 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Just want some feedback. this weekend one of my cousins called and asked that I visit. Mind you- she is my first cousin (younger than me) and we used to be very close when we lived closer together. She called and stated she wanted to "catch up" on things since it's been a few years, and asked I come up and hang out for a night. (also keep in mind- that my wife ahd family have not seen them much as I grew up with them etc etc) Also- my cousin stated she had something to tell me re her health so I figured something was going on. My wife had a big issue with this and was "insulted" she did not get the invite. While i understand that- I explained that this was family and she probably wanted to talk about some things with me (I've always been sort of a big brother to her) So this forced me into a tough spot where I wanted to be there for my family- but the wife was making it very difficult. In the end- she just got mad and said go- I'm not sure this was that unreasonable for one visit. Turns out- she did need to chat and I stayed the night (nothing funny going on!- She is married with kids!) and came home the next day. For some reason - she is still pissed- I understand but is this worth fighting over?
lostsoulmate Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Just want some feedback. this weekend one of my cousins called and asked that I visit. Mind you- she is my first cousin (younger than me) and we used to be very close when we lived closer together. She called and stated she wanted to "catch up" on things since it's been a few years, and asked I come up and hang out for a night. (also keep in mind- that my wife ahd family have not seen them much as I grew up with them etc etc) Also- my cousin stated she had something to tell me re her health so I figured something was going on. My wife had a big issue with this and was "insulted" she did not get the invite. While i understand that- I explained that this was family and she probably wanted to talk about some things with me (I've always been sort of a big brother to her) So this forced me into a tough spot where I wanted to be there for my family- but the wife was making it very difficult. In the end- she just got mad and said go- I'm not sure this was that unreasonable for one visit. Turns out- she did need to chat and I stayed the night (nothing funny going on!- She is married with kids!) and came home the next day. For some reason - she is still pissed- I understand but is this worth fighting over? I know how she feels. My fiance gets calls from his cousin, they were close as kids. When he leaves the room to talk to her I think it's weird. I may not understand the relationship they have, but I feel like he has something to hide otherwise he would just chat with her next to me. Maybe you are emotional tied (not in a sick twisted way) to your cousin, and that offends your wife?
carhill Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 OP, I'll give you some male advice. There are people in your life other than your wife and the same is true for her. You may be married but you still are an individual and have a right to privacy. You (and she) will talk to other intimates (like family) exclusively and privately. My wife does this all the time, even with girlfriends. It's their private time. I can choose to be as private or public as I wish. She cannot control that, only her reaction to it. I'm not responsible for her feelings. I decide whether the reaction is healthy for me. I would not be pleased with such a reaction as shared in your OP. I would simply point out that I respect her private time and require that she respect mine. EOS. Don't let her control you. Recipe for heartache. Trust me
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Yup - as is often the case, I echo Carhill... If there is a problem here, it's your wife's, not yours. Your cousin is a family member and you've known her a lot longer. if your wife finds it offnsive to have been kept out of the loop (and it sounds, with reason) then she has personal issues she has to deal with. This is not about you. It's about her. if she brings it up again, i think you may have to cut her off and tell her that this is HER problem, you have nothing to answer to.
Heroic Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I'm going to disagree with you on this one Carhill. Once we got married we became a team anything you say in front of me you can say in front of my wife. If I needed some one on one time i would just ask the wife to hold back a bit and act as support. Try soemthign like this: Hey my cuz is in trouble, were gonna need to talk for a bit so could you help me by working support. Maybe make us some dinner, I'm sorry hun I know this sucks but we have to support the family. I will owe you one bigtime. Then invite the cuz over to your place. Overnighters are just a bad idea no matter who they are with.
Ramrod Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Relax OP, Women are like that sometimes, their afraid somebody is going to slip you a carton of cigarettes and a pocket p*ssy (prison reference). Just assert yourself more, that way she'll remember that you have "free-will" and can and will do as you please every so often.
carhill Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 "Can" and "have to" are separate issues. My wife "can" discuss any issue with anyone, even if she's just biotching about me, in front of me. That doesn't mean she "has to", in that I require it. I'm not her master, nor is she mine. I can say that whether there is a lot or a little love in our M. If she received an invitation to spend time with a male cousin, I'd pack her suitcase and wish her safe travels. In the past, she's gone away for a week alone with old high school friends, including an old BF or two, down at the river near Havasu. Hey hon, don't flash 'em too much Life's too short to worry about the little things, like petty control issues. You're right, we are a team. I trust that dynamic is there, whether we're together or not. That's my gift, trust
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I'm going to go with Carhill on this one - especially the most recent post. Family was there before the spouse came along. I don't understand why the family should have to sacrifice their dynamic for the spouse's own selfish reasons. Now, if it totally EXCLUDES the spouse constantly, then I'd see reason for concern. This was one incident with a cousin that considered the OP like a brother. I don't see what the big deal is and do not think the OP owes anything to the wife. That's ridiculous. Of course, all that being said, it has a lot to do with how secure the spouse is with him/herself and with the relationship in general.
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