Author john dope Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Did you miss the above? What do you think about doing this? Don't you think it would be a great way to demonstrate openess and honesty? It would give your girlfriend the chance to make a fully informed decision about being with you. And, maybe most importantly, it would be a sure fire way to curb your cheating. I completely understand what you're saying, but I also understand and know my GF. She is a hopeless romantic, optimist, with almost no past disappointments, who retains the most positive outlook of people and the world. This is one of the things i love about her. I cannot bring myself to burst that bubble for her and hurt her like that. Yes, I do understand that my immature and selfish actions have been quietly hurting her this whole time, and have been so so heartless and unfair. I want to be with her more than anything and i want to be a strong, confident, good man for her. But telling her would result in there being no chance of us being together, and that would hurt me terribly. I'm saying I would rather be the one to hurt and always wonder, than to hurt her with this and have us not end up together.
Author john dope Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 If you didn't want the relationship to end and you were 100% clear and honest about that you wouldn't have such a problem keeping your body from becoming physical with anyone other than your loved one. Therapy Therapy Therapy. Island girl, are you saying that the fact that i was unable to resist temptations of infidelity - that that means i did want the relationship to end, and that I don't really want it? Or are you saying that if i know now that I want it and really want to make it work and become a better person, that I will stop the bad actions and become true, to make it work?
travelgirl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 You can't think you can fix yourself and then remain or get back into a tainted relationship - because that is what your 5 year relationship is. Tarnished, tainted, and wrong. You have betrayed, deceived and hurt this women you supposedly love and instead of worrying about how she is living in a relationship with a cheating liar, you are more worried about how it will affect you if she finds out. You might not come right out and say this in your posts but it is true. You say she is a positive person and you don't want to crush her? Uh, so you rather her move on in her life with someone who is not who she thinks he is?? Or give her the ole "it isn't you it's me" dance and make her feel horrible. If you want to stay with her, you need to tell her you have never been faithful in any other relationship and you haven't been in this one either but you love her and want to change your ways and hope she will come to find that you are worth staying with. Tell her you will become an open book, tell her everything, go to therapy alone and together, and show your remorse. She may get up and leave but at least you have given her the honesty she deserves. If she doesn't leave, you might find that opening up and showing her your weaknesses, will improve both of you and your relationship in the future.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Island girl, are you saying that the fact that i was unable to resist temptations of infidelity - that that means i did want the relationship to end, and that I don't really want it? Yes. At the present time you have been sabotaging every relationship for meaningless sex. That leads me to believe you have some deep fears about commitment. Perhaps you are afraid she'd leave you for some character flaw anyway. You possibly feel like a liar in life. Or you are afraid of what a more committed relationship means. Lack of freedom, necessary vulnerability, or changes that may bring such as children, etc. Those are just a few - possibly you have another or several others... Or are you saying that if i know now that I want it and really want to make it work and become a better person, that I will stop the bad actions and become true, to make it work? Yes. At some level you are trying to reconcile the problem now. So you are already progressing by consciously wanting a monogamous relationship. Identifying it is the first step and that may take a lot of soul searching and professional therapy. You can stop the bad actions. That is your will. But your internal demons - those issues that are causing this pattern of behavior still need to be addressed.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Unfortunately i don't know that i have a good answer. ... I think my fear has been more a resistance to growing up ... Also, not feeling like good about the stage or place i'm at in my life yet Cool. So you've settled for staying on a crazy-making hamster's wheel of "I don't wanna grow up" and "I wanna but I can't", instead??? Seriously. You realize that all of that is just more of your BS, right? Start someplace else, then. How is being in a "better" stage or place gonna help you to stop cheating? How are you gonna KNOW when you are in that brighter place that will mean you can no longer cheat because you've "made it" to that place? (See how freaking nuts that is?) It's also just more BS that you "want to" show your partners respect -- even 3-year olds try their best to actually accomplish what they really want to. (Have you heard the 'logic' of how ice cream & cookies for breakfast is super healthy?) So. If you are serious about staying childlike, you would be doing INSANE things just to do what you really "want to", and give them your respect and fidelity. Or. Try looking at something else. Since you obviously know that you have been treating your g/f's with disrespect...who are you trying to get back at, when you do that? What other woman pissed you off so greatly that you need to disrespect (punish) ALL of those you can get your hands on? It is YOUR self-obligation to find your answers...especially to all those that you feel are "good" but into which you currently have no insight. THAT is part of this growing up thing. Which, btw, you do not HAVE to develop mentally and emotionally to the point where you can act age-appropriately and function in an adult way. It's just that, if you continue to choose not to, the "other half" of your life is gonna happen around you in a really weird and warped way. But that's your choice, if you won't mind being all out of sync or if you actually, really want to be (out of sync.)
jasminetea Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 OP, you are incredibly selfish. Your girlfriend doesn't deserve that. I hope you get some integrity, but I doubt you will. Your poor, poor girlfriend.
Author john dope Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 OP, you are incredibly selfish. Your girlfriend doesn't deserve that. I hope you get some integrity, but I doubt you will. Your poor, poor girlfriend. Jasmine, I've already said exactly what you're saying here. I realize that i've been disgustingly selfish, and I feel absolutely awful and ashamed of my behavior and lack of integrity. The whole intention of my posting here, getting help, seeking therapy, and committing to change IS in hopes of gaining that integrity and making the decision to change. I feel like I'm taking the first and necessary steps, and I feel good about making that decision to change. I'm not commending myself for that, but I think it says something that i've realized this and desperately want to become a better person for me and maybe for her. But comments like yours above make me feel like i have no chance at personal growth or redemption of any kind. I realize i'm in a sensitive and vulnerable state right now so I'm reacting to you more defensively, but I want to believe that i can change and i have committed myself to doing the work on bettering myself. All i want is to become a truly good person for myself and a wonderful and honest man for her, if it is indeed possible for a person to change in that way. I guess I have to understand if you, and others, don't believe that that kind of change is possible, or not for someone like me. But I am committed to doing it.
stampdaddy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Jasmine, I've already said exactly what you're saying here. I realize that i've been disgustingly selfish, and I feel absolutely awful and ashamed of my behavior and lack of integrity. The whole intention of my posting here, getting help, seeking therapy, and committing to change IS in hopes of gaining that integrity and making the decision to change. I feel like I'm taking the first and necessary steps, and I feel good about making that decision to change. I'm not commending myself for that, but I think it says something that i've realized this and desperately want to become a better person for me and maybe for her. But comments like yours above make me feel like i have no chance at personal growth or redemption of any kind. I realize i'm in a sensitive and vulnerable state right now so I'm reacting to you more defensively, but I want to believe that i can change and i have committed myself to doing the work on bettering myself. All i want is to become a truly good person for myself and a wonderful and honest man for her, if it is indeed possible for a person to change in that way. I guess I have to understand if you, and others, don't believe that that kind of change is possible, or not for someone like me. But I am committed to doing it. Then DO IT!! Sh*t man! Why do you need a bunch of strangers here on LS to tell you that "you can do it"? I mean really? I am not trying to kick you while you are down, but I am also not gonna sit here and coddle you either. MAKE A CHOICE! And another thing, "telling us" that you have "started" working on yourself does what exactly? TELL YOURSELF. Keep a Journal, minute by minute if you have to. Every hour, twice a day, once a day, whatever.. Mark your positive steps and be proud of yourself.. Get off of this website (no offense LS) and get to work....
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You DON'T stand a chance for personal growth or redemption as long as you continue to try to fix this by yourself. You've already proven to yourself...over YEARS of bitter experience...that you're not capable of doing this on your own. You need your GF's support to succeed. You need someone to hold you accountable for your choices and actions, just like a recovering alchoholic or drug addict does. You need to TRULY suffer a consequence for your actions...to learn not to do them again. You need to stop acting like you're the only one in this relationship...choosing to sleep with others, choosing whether or not your GF deserves the truth and the chance to decide to remain with you or not based on that truth. I understand that you don't want to take this step...I've seen it over and over here on this site over the last four plus years. Your reaction is normal...but still self-centered and ultimately doomed to failure if you continue down that path. I've seen both sides of this happen...someone refuses to fix the relationship by bringing the truth out...and the relationship dies under the weight of the lies and lack of communication. Or they tell the truth...and often the relationship actually thrives in the long term because of the changed dynamics that were sorely needed in the first place. Yes, it does remain possible that your GF would leave you once she knows the truth. But that is a just consequence of your choice to cheat...NOT of a choice to tell the truth and attempt to truly fix and change things. Stop looking for excuses not to do the right thing...start looking for reasons to step up and make it happen.
2sunny Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 First of all, STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF, for a change, I mean just count if you can the number of Me, I,and my' in your post. Think about the other person for a change. Finally, MAN -UP , right now you are a selfish, cowardly, whiny boy, A real man is honest, a real man doesn't cheat, a real man faces reality and doesn't whine an d cry about it , a real man faces his mistakes and takes his lumps. NOW, what part of a real man are you? this is perfect and was completely dismissed. if you choose to stay in the mindset of being selfish - things will never change. so, what do you plan to do to make things different?
Author john dope Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 this is perfect and was completely dismissed. if you choose to stay in the mindset of being selfish - things will never change. so, what do you plan to do to make things different? Good question. I plan to end the relationship. Let her go. Do the work on myself everyday. Try to understand the reasons for the bad decisions I've in my life and in the relationship. Seek counseling immediately. Hold myself accountable, along with a therapist holding me accountable, maybe friends, etc. Take all of this extremely seriously and basically 'grow up'. Get to thinking like a man instead of the immature little boy that i've been to date. This is what i'm committed to doing. If i can get to a point where I've made the changes I want to make and feel confident in them, and I still feel that my GF (ex at that point) is the love of my life - I would like to try again with the relationship. I know that she would likely not be single by that time, or not be interested in anything with me. But that's the honest truth of my hopeful outcome from my current vantage point.
stampdaddy Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Good question. I plan to end the relationship. Let her go. Do the work on myself everyday. Try to understand the reasons for the bad decisions I've in my life and in the relationship. Seek counseling immediately. Hold myself accountable, along with a therapist holding me accountable, maybe friends, etc. Take all of this extremely seriously and basically 'grow up'. Get to thinking like a man instead of the immature little boy that i've been to date. This is what i'm committed to doing. If i can get to a point where I've made the changes I want to make and feel confident in them, and I still feel that my GF (ex at that point) is the love of my life - I would like to try again with the relationship. I know that she would likely not be single by that time, or not be interested in anything with me. But that's the honest truth of my hopeful outcome from my current vantage point. Well, sounds like an awesome plan... Don't let yourself down... Good luck and check in with us in about 3 months with a positive update....
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 More specifically, I would love opinions or advice on whether it's foolish and terrible for me to want this relationship with HER specifically. I think it is. You have damaged the relationship. Can it be repaird? dunno. A totaled car can be repaired, but it will never run as good as it did before the crash. Even if she wants to be with you, I think she'd really be happier with someone else down the road, whether she thinks so or not. But thats for her to decide. I always say, once a cheater, always a cheater. But if you think you can keep from screwing over women in the future, I think you need to lose her to realize what you have to lose with someone else. You need to have major heartbreak in your life before you could even come close to changing. So if you are to change, of which I am doubting, then you need to lose this great woman and let her move on. Can I change, move forward and treat HER right forever? No, you will get the itch again. I really feel like i'm ready to do this. Really? and what makes you think that? When was it that you no longer have your desire to stick your d##k in other women?
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Well, sounds like an awesome plan... Don't let yourself down... Good luck and check in with us in about 3 months with a positive update.... What stamp said. You CAN do it! You have the desire and the plan. Hugs and best wishes.
jasminetea Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Jasmine, I've already said exactly what you're saying here. I realize that i've been disgustingly selfish, and I feel absolutely awful and ashamed of my behavior and lack of integrity. The whole intention of my posting here, getting help, seeking therapy, and committing to change IS in hopes of gaining that integrity and making the decision to change. I feel like I'm taking the first and necessary steps, and I feel good about making that decision to change. I'm not commending myself for that, but I think it says something that i've realized this and desperately want to become a better person for me and maybe for her. But comments like yours above make me feel like i have no chance at personal growth or redemption of any kind. I realize i'm in a sensitive and vulnerable state right now so I'm reacting to you more defensively, but I want to believe that i can change and i have committed myself to doing the work on bettering myself. All i want is to become a truly good person for myself and a wonderful and honest man for her, if it is indeed possible for a person to change in that way. I guess I have to understand if you, and others, don't believe that that kind of change is possible, or not for someone like me. But I am committed to doing it. I truly don't believe you can do it, frankly. You don't want the best for your girlfriend, all you want is to find a way to get out of any repercussions, meaning guilt, from your cheating and absolve yourself of any responsibility for finding a way of stopping yourself from cheating. That doesn't demonstrate that you have integrity, the opposite infact.
Author john dope Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I truly don't believe you can do it, frankly. You don't want the best for your girlfriend, all you want is to find a way to get out of any repercussions, meaning guilt, from your cheating and absolve yourself of any responsibility for finding a way of stopping yourself from cheating. That doesn't demonstrate that you have integrity, the opposite infact. Stamp & Ronni, thanks for the support. I've already started doing it. Jasmine, I don't understand what you can mean when you say i'm "absolving myself of any responsibility for finding a way of stopping myself from cheating". I'm ending the relationship with my GF, which is the most heartbreaking thing i've ever imagined experiencing. I'm going to take the steps in therapy to understand why i've done what i've done, and to get my head and heart straight. And i'm risking the real probability that I will likely never be able to be with the person i want to spend my life with, because I would not continue being with her in the state that I am in right now, and continue treating her wrongly. And i KNOW that i would not make any bigger committment, such as marriage, until I have my issues sorted out and could be truly monomamous and committed to her or anyone else. If you truly think there is no hope for me, and people can't change, then I have to accept your opinion - but it is just disheartening.
jasminetea Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You're ending it? What is this 'ending'? You either end it or not, there is no process. But anyway, its irrelevant, you are not telling her why you want to end it because you want the opportunity to get back with her at some point and that's, once again, dishonest.
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Ending your relationship with your GF is not "suffering a consequence for cheating". It's AVOIDING the consequences of cheating. You're just setting the stage to let yourself move into yet ANOTHER relationship with someone else...and remain unfaithful to them as well. When you FACE those consequences, when you actually DEAL with your problems...THEN, perhaps, you'll learn to change. Running away won't solve that.
travelgirl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 No offense, but why are you breaking up with her? Shouldn't you just be honest with her and tell her EVERYTHING and let her break up with you or want to help you? Leaving her high and dry and not telling her what is really going on is STILL selfish. That part of you needs to change. Like Owl said, you can't do this on your own. Your secrets need to be exposed so you can help yourself. You can not go "find and fix yourself" and get back into a relationship that was built on lies. It isn't fair to her and no matter how well you are "fixed" you will fall back into the same habits because she isn't aware and subconsiously has enabled you to cheat and get away with it. Compare this: If you were a drug user and up and left family and friends to go away, but really went to rehab, fixed yourself and went back into the same environment you were in before without them knowing; how likely are you to stay away from drugs? Not much, even if NONE of them do drugs, they are subconcsiously still enabling you to do it. Now what if your drug addiction was exposed to family and friends. After encouragement of going into rehab for 3 months, you came out and had support groups, had people to talk to and family who cared, do you think the chances are greater you will stick with it. Of course because everyone is aware and will not enable you, subconsciously or consciously. In your subconscious, you have realized that your GF enables you to cheat, because you don't get caught, nothing changes and she is still there. Even if you are cured, this relationship is toxic because it is not what is should be. It is based on deceit and lies. You could fall back to your old self without getting caught if you keep it a secret. Expose yourself if you want change, it is the only way.
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 If you truly think there is no hope for me, and people can't change, then I have to accept your opinion - but it is just disheartening. John, you are NOT obligated to be disheartened by other people's opinions...that would just be 'dopey' . You are, however, obligated to live up to your OWN goals, self-expectations and highest potential. Focus on doing that. You can acknowledge others' opinions without taking even the slightest portion of it 'on board'. Ignore opinions that do not serve and support your own desires...do not fuel them by adding your own energy! Do NOT be a 'dope'!!! Again. Wishing you the best.
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Ignore opinions that do not serve and support your own desires... Negates the value of, or even the useful existance of places like LS. If you only want to come for opinions that support your own views, there's no value in posting here at all. If you instead want to actually try to get advice on how to reconcile your situation based off the experiences of others who have been through similar troubles...there's value in listening to what they have to say, even if you don't agree with it.
jasminetea Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You must only take on board those opinions that encourage you to do the right thing Unfortunately, they will often prove to be in conflict with what you want.
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Owl, I wasn't clear enough it seems. I did not say do not consider other perspectives. I maintain that it is unwise to willy-nilly adopt a different perspective just because it is offered -- we have the self-responsibility to make our own assessments, and incorporate ONLY what feels appropriate for the Self. John, just to be clear: I am saying to TAKE everything that is useful...from places like LS and wherever; everything that feels positive and helpful for where you are and what you want. And I am saying to REJECT everything that is NOT useful; that only serves to make you feel worse or incapable of achieving what you want.
Owl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 And...bear in mind that some posts that make you feel worse may still contain USEFUL, or even critical advice. Ignore the insults, but consider the suggestions and advice.
jasminetea Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 achieving what you want. Oh I'm sure he'll do just that, which is why its useless posting anything that advises and encourages him to do the right thing by his girlfriend and, ultimately, himself.
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