john dope Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I know that i will take considerable flack from some of you for my actions, and rightly so. But i am writing this thread with the intentions of getting the help that i know i need. I am reaching out and sincerely looking to turn my life around. So i'm really hoping for some constructive responses and advice on whether you think its possible for me, and if so, how. I am a man in my late 20s. I have had a number of long term relationships, most of which lasted 1-2 years and took place at earlier ages (teens and early 20s). I have been in a relationship for over 5 years now with someone who i love very much and want to spend the rest of my life with. The problem is that i have been unfaithful in almost every one of my relationships, including this one. When i was younger i chalked my cheating up to 'stupid youth' and relationships that were childish and not very serious. Usually my cheating would wind up ending the relationship. It was not that I would get caught or admit the cheating to my girlfriend, but I would meet someone else and my interest in this new person would usually cause me to end the current relationship and move into the new one. Consequently, i spent very little time single - which is one factor that i admittedly use as an excuse or rationalization for the infidelities. The very long term relationship that I am in now has had it's ups and downs. We met young and have changed over the years, but we have maintained such a close bond and deep love for each other. In that time, I have been unfaithful on several occasions. Sometimes physical, sometimes emotional, and sometimes just flirtations. We have taken some 'breaks' from each other over the years for different reasons. Secretly for me, this was usually the result of an infidelity that had happened and my guilt over it, or fear of being caught and hurting her. So I would separate in order to come to terms with the infidelity myself and hopefully re-enter the relationship with a renewed perspective and a resolve to not let the cheating continue or repeat. I guess I would not give myself enough time or make the serious changes within myself during those 'breaks', so I fell back into bad habits each time. I have even had a somewhat serious physical and emotional affair that lasted for a very long time during this relationship. My girlfriend of 5 years does not know about any of this. I have never been 'caught' and I have never admitted any infidelity to her. I think i have realized the severe consequences of my actions along the way, but been so weak and so immature in continuing those actions. The guilt, or more accurately the intense disappointment in myself about this has had me sick to my stomach and my heart broken inside for a long time. My girlfriend is the kindest, most thoughtful and loyal person you can possibly imagine. She really deserves someone who treats her like a queen, and i SO badly want to be that person. This may be hard to believe, but i feel like this infidelity is the only aspect of our relationship in which i treat her poorly. I am extremely attentive, caring, and giving to her. From the outside I know we appear to have such a wonderful and healthy relationship, and we really do, except for this secret problem of mine with fidelity. I'm at a point now where i know that this relationship will end and slip away if I'm not prepared to take it to a more serious level, moving toward more commitment and marriage. The relationship has really been approached by the both of us as a somewhat immature relationship until now. I want to be with her more than anything, and I want to stop my ways so badly. I'm terrified because of my past, and hurting her is the last thing in the world I would ever want to do (yes, i realize that is not indicated by my actions to date). I guess what I'm asking is - can people change a behaviour pattern like this? Can i make the decision to change and be successful with it? If so, how? I want to get professional help for this if necessary, but what else can I do? I know what i've done is wrong and I want to change, but I don't know the psychology behind it and whether that is somehow unrealistic for me. I feel like I can do do it. I feel like I am ready to do any work to make the change and be true to her and for her. True, I've never been caught so I have not felt the pain of that or learned that lesson, and i probably should have. I certainly deserve to feel pain. But I can see myself losing my girlfriend now, as I've pushed her away because of the guilt and disappointment, and because of the fear of 'what if i cant change even though i want to so badly?" The pain of thinking about losing her feels like the worst pain i can imagine. I want to know that I can change and grow into a good husband and father? That is the most important thing in the world to me. More specifically, I would love opinions or advice on whether it's foolish and terrible for me to want this relationship with HER specifically. Can I change, move forward and treat HER right forever? I really feel like i'm ready to do this. I haven't been in the past, and i was younger, but i really feel i can now. If there's a chance that i can, I will do anything in my power to make those changes. Maybe that means ending the relationship for awhile, being apart from her for much longer than in the past and doing serious work on myself psychologically and emotionally, proving to myself that I can show interest in no other women even when we're apart, etc. etc. I don't know. I need help. Can I stay with her through this, or split up and maybe start completely over with her after i feel confident that I have changed and am ready? Is a new perspective possible or is it way too hopeful an idea, and to break the habits and change my ways I would have to willingly lose her and could only start fresh with someone different? As hard and painful as it would be if that's the case, i would have to figure out a way to let her go. I love her so much that I would like to think I could do that for her. I appreciate any of your help so much. I am so ashamed of my behaviour. Contrary to my immature and terrible actions, I am really a very loving, caring, and extremely emotional person and I want to believe that I can change and be everything to my girlfriend, and hopefully to our family, for the rest of our lives.
jwi71 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Have you ever been in or considered therapy to understand why you cannot be faithful? Honestly, you are NOT ready for a monogamous R with anyone. You have proved time and again - each time hurting yourself and others. My advice. Find an therapist and seek professional help about what is preventing you from being satisfied in a R. It isn't fair to you, her or anyone else really. As far as your current gf - at least hit the brakes but I really think you need to set her free.
jasminetea Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Tell your girlfriend you've cheated in every relationship you've had, including the one with her. That would be a good first step.
Author john dope Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 thanks jwi71. I haven't been in therapy, but as you can tell i am strongly considering it, if not planning to go soon for this. I hear you completely on not being in a place for a monogamous relationship right now. I know I probably have to hit the breaks in my current relationship if it is to have any chance, but I really don't want to 'set her free' as you say. I think we are meant to be together and I just haven't been ready to take things seriously and do the work. I feel like my infidelity goes along with "growing up" and i haven't been ready to do that. I feel like i am now, because of her and us. I want it to work so badly. Do you really think that is not possible?
stampdaddy Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 OK, "You CAN change and stop cheating!" There, I told you. Now change and stop cheating!
stillafool Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I have known people like you and no you will not change. Not without intense therapy that is. If you think you have a problem being faithful now and you aren't even married, there is no chance once you marry your gf and the routine of day to day life sets in. Not to mention when kids come along you will want to cheat again and again. Don't do this to your gf. You say you love her but if you really loved her you could not do the things to her you have done. Let her go and be found by the man who will truly love her the way she deserves to be loved. You should be single so you can spend time dating whomever you choose until you get it all out of your system. If in fact you did want to take the road of trying to be the man your gf wants you would have to start by telling her everything you've done to her. You may think that she will never find out but you are wrong. God is only going to let her stay in the dark for so long before he shows her the light. When this happens you will feel pain like you have never known before in your life. Now is the time to take action and do the right thing before it's too late.
Author john dope Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 OK, "You CAN change and stop cheating!" There, I told you. Now change and stop cheating! I understand the condescension. I'm not looking to be told that it's OK, or searching for approval. I'm looking for advice from anyone with experience in this. I believe that I can because I want to so badly. I just don't want to hurt my GF in the long run, so I don't want to try and fail.
Author john dope Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Then go get therapy. Point taken stillafool. Planning on it, immediately. But I'm earnestly asking whether you think it's possible for someone like me to change my ways and be what i so desperately want to be for my GF forever.
stampdaddy Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I understand the condescension. I'm not looking to be told that it's OK, or searching for approval. I'm looking for advice from anyone with experience in this. I believe that I can because I want to so badly. I just don't want to hurt my GF in the long run, so I don't want to try and fail. I will tell you that the "condescension" could be pointed at ME just as easy, so I DO understand (different shoes we wear). Stillafool is right, seek some counseling or Church or whatever support that can help, but ALSO, just put on your "big boy pants" and KEEP EM ON!
Author john dope Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I will tell you that the "condescension" could be pointed at ME just as easy, so I DO understand (different shoes we wear). Stillafool is right, seek some counseling or Church or whatever support that can help, but ALSO, just put on your "big boy pants" and KEEP EM ON! Thank you stampdaddy. That's all I want to do now.
carhill Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 If you want to retain your current R in any healthy way, make that appointment for "couples counseling" today, disclose to your partner and tell her you want to work on this together. If she doesn't mean enough to you to become your partner on this path, let her go and get IC and don't enter another relationship for at least a year, a year of weekly counseling. Think of yourself as a relationship alcoholic and counseling as your AA. Also, surround yourself with people who are in healthy LTR's and marriages and use them for support and validate their contribution. Sound difficult? Yeah, probably one of the most difficult psychological paths you'll ever walk. Good luck
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Point taken stillafool. Planning on it, immediately. But I'm earnestly asking whether you think it's possible for someone like me to change my ways and be what i so desperately want to be for my GF forever. "tis part of the cure to wish to be cured." Understand this: i don't personally think your affairs are about the sex. I think there's definitely something else there, and your affairs are a symptom of something far more deep and sinister. So do get counselling, but no, it's not about the physical act of screwing someone else. Secondly, I thing stampdaddy's advice is actually very much spot on. the way to not have an affair, is to not undo your flies, and keep big boy in your pants. Nobody holds a gun to your head and compels you to get butt naked from the waist down. It IS a choice. The basic choice is simple. Keep it tucked away, and reserve your kissing lips for the girl who matters. You do need counselling and therapy, but it doesn't absolve you from showing a bit of will-power and keeping yourself in check. And unless you do break it off with your GF, part of what may help is to take an honesty tablet, and ask her to support you through counselling.
Author john dope Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 "tis part of the cure to wish to be cured." Understand this: i don't personally think your affairs are about the sex. I think there's definitely something else there, and your affairs are a symptom of something far more deep and sinister. So do get counselling, but no, it's not about the physical act of screwing someone else. Secondly, I thing stampdaddy's advice is actually very much spot on. the way to not have an affair, is to not undo your flies, and keep big boy in your pants. Nobody holds a gun to your head and compels you to get butt naked from the waist down. It IS a choice. The basic choice is simple. Keep it tucked away, and reserve your kissing lips for the girl who matters. You do need counselling and therapy, but it doesn't absolve you from showing a bit of will-power and keeping yourself in check. And unless you do break it off with your GF, part of what may help is to take an honesty tablet, and ask her to support you through counselling. Thanks Geishawhelk. Your advice feels strong and resonates with me. I've read some of your other posts and I agree with a lot of your perspectives, so I really take what you've said to heart. As far as staying with my GF/ breaking it of... i think i know i need to separate in order to get the help and get the clarity i need to improve myself - with the hopes of starting totally fresh and completely committed. As far as the honesty tablet with her, I feel like I just can't do that to her. She is SO pure and views the world with such positivity, I can't bring myself to do something to shatter her optimism and spirit like that. I would counsel on my own and she would support me in that. And i would have to take the risk that she'll be gone when i feel like I'm healed and ready. If I can do this, do you feel I can still become everything I want to be for her?
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 You can't break with her without at least giving her a firm message that this has nothing to do with her. But please, don't go the "It's not you, it's me" route. You owe her some degree of honesty, but she has a right to make a choice of her own here, you have no right to break it off with her and not give her options. Whether she stays with you or not, waits for you or not, is something you're going to have to face and suck up. But you can't deprive her of that decision, simply because you think you should. If you intend to make cataclysmic changes to who you are, and what you do, then a period of openness is vital here, because you have to step up to the plate and take it all on the chin. I think you need to have an open and intense discussion with her, lay it on the line, and tell her that whatever she decides, you will abide by that, because you just can't go on hurting her like this. If she's as wonderful as you say, you may well find after the intial shock and hurt abates, she'll decide you're worth running the distance with. But a word of warning: Don't put people on a pedestal. She's plain and simply human. But if you build someone up too far, it's a hard burden for them to carry and a hard act to maintain. She's wonderful, she's the girl of your dreams and the woman of your days. But really, she's normal. Treat her as the special person in your heart, but be ready for eventualities.....
stampdaddy Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Thanks Geishawhelk. Your advice feels strong and resonates with me. I've read some of your other posts and I agree with a lot of your perspectives, so I really take what you've said to heart. As far as staying with my GF/ breaking it of... i think i know i need to separate in order to get the help and get the clarity i need to improve myself - with the hopes of starting totally fresh and completely committed. As far as the honesty tablet with her, I feel like I just can't do that to her. She is SO pure and views the world with such positivity, I can't bring myself to do something to shatter her optimism and spirit like that. I would counsel on my own and she would support me in that. And i would have to take the risk that she'll be gone when i feel like I'm healed and ready. If I can do this, do you feel I can still become everything I want to be for her? I dont mean to ask a stupid question: But is it THAT bad? Where you have to break up with her to go fix yourself?? I mean, why can't you start TODAY fixing yourself? Write it down in the palm or your hand, on a piece of paper, in your rear view mirror, heck, write it on your schmecklebone if you have too.. Put yourself in HER shoes and how much HURT you would cause her if you cheated on her. Focus on that all of the time and then build your healing to a point to where you are happy and proud of yourself and then think about how much further down the road with this great girl of yours.. Take the chance now, but make a silent contract with HER and also with YOURSELF.. Just my thoughts on a Monday morning..
Author john dope Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I dont mean to ask a stupid question: But is it THAT bad? Where you have to break up with her to go fix yourself?? I mean, why can't you start TODAY fixing yourself? Write it down in the palm or your hand, on a piece of paper, in your rear view mirror, heck, write it on your schmecklebone if you have too.. Put yourself in HER shoes and how much HURT you would cause her if you cheated on her. Focus on that all of the time and then build your healing to a point to where you are happy and proud of yourself and then think about how much further down the road with this great girl of yours.. Take the chance now, but make a silent contract with HER and also with YOURSELF.. Just my thoughts on a Monday morning.. Stamp, i hear what you're saying. Maybe a part of me is rationalizing with a break up and time apart and alone, that if we were able to reconnect and get back together it would be like starting fresh. I guess I feel like if we viewed it as a whole new relationship, it would feel like a relationship that i hadn't already muddied or ruined with infidelity, immaturity, and fear of commitment. Maybe that's a crazy perspective for me to have - i don't know.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Understand this: i don't personally think your affairs are about the sex. I think this is great insight. Every guy that has an extended circle of male friends knows someone like you. In my case, it's Steve W. Devoted wife and two beautiful children at home, successful business, etc. And yet that's never enough, his antennae are always up, always looking, always planning for "next". He's very vocal about how much he loves his wife and how great she is and still cheats consistently. Why do you think that is ??? Mr. Lucky
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I would highly recommend therapy to you, OP. My ex-H considered me the love of his life, the one who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and yet, he still cheated within our marriage. He's gone through almost two years of therapy and continues with it, to attempt to mitigate his narcissistic personality disorder. It's a constant challenge to him to reroute his thought processes but he keeps working at it. Whether this is you or not, you're going to need more help than trying to figure it out on your own. Get professional help.
Owl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'd also recommend therapy, but I want to suggest a possibility to you. It appears to me, given your large number of short term relationships (a 1-2 year relationship is not long term...your current five year relationship barely starts to qualify as a long term one), that you may well be addicted to the "in love" feelings generated at the beginning of a relationship, and that you either don't understand the "stages of love" that a relationship goes through, or you've never learned how to get to that point. I'd suggest this as a starting point with a prospective counselor...you might also consider doing some reading, like "The Five Love Languages".
boldjack Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 First of all, STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF, for a change, I mean just count if you can the number of Me, I,and my' in your post. Think about the other person for a change. Finally, MAN -UP , right now you are a selfish, cowardly, whiny boy, A real man is honest, a real man doesn't cheat, a real man faces reality and doesn't whine an d cry about it , a real man faces his mistakes and takes his lumps. NOW, what part of a real man are you?
jasminetea Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Tell your girlfriend you've cheated in every relationship you've had, including the one with her. That would be a good first step. Did you miss the above? What do you think about doing this? Don't you think it would be a great way to demonstrate openess and honesty? It would give your girlfriend the chance to make a fully informed decision about being with you. And, maybe most importantly, it would be a sure fire way to curb your cheating.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 part of me is rationalizing with a break up and time apart and alone, that if we were able to reconnect and get back together it would be like starting fresh. I guess I feel like if we viewed it as a whole new relationship, it would feel like a relationship that i hadn't already muddied or ruined with infidelity, immaturity, and fear of commitment. Maybe that's a crazy perspective for me to have It's not a "crazy" perspective, but it is misguided/inaccurate...just you BSing yourself that a break-up would act like some sort of...what?...eraser of time and prior actions? It most definitely would not ACTUALLY do that, no matter how much you wish it so, or tell yourself it is so. I don't think that you do have to tell your g/f about your cheating. That's your personal call. And you can break-up with her, if you want to. Just don't BS yourself about what the break-up will and will not signify, in reality. OF COURSE you can change. Anyone can eliminate any unhealthy, damaging habit IF they have deep, genuine desire to do so. Your past behaviour does not have to define your current and future. You CAN stop, that's a given. Thus far, though, you've been more focused on the past, and making excuses as to why you engaged in cheating. At this point, it may be wisest to focus on the present and future, and start asking HOW you are going to stop. What is your 'fear of commitment' about? Where and when did it start? What event(s) did you observe in an earlier time, that led you to believe that commitment is a scary or undesirable thing? Was your interpretation of whatever you observed accurate, or was it seen through immature eyes and filtered through an under-developed mind?
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I agree there is a fear of commitment here. OP you may like the IDEA of commitment but when it comes down to it there is something about it that you are afraid of or dislike immensely. You are sabotaging the relationships. Your actions could at any moment be found out and it may very well be over. If you didn't want the relationship to end and you were 100% clear and honest about that you wouldn't have such a problem keeping your body from becoming physical with anyone other than your loved one. Therapy Therapy Therapy.
Author john dope Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 What is your 'fear of commitment' about? Where and when did it start? What event(s) did you observe in an earlier time, that led you to believe that commitment is a scary or undesirable thing? Was your interpretation of whatever you observed accurate, or was it seen through immature eyes and filtered through an under-developed mind? These are all great questions Ronni. Unfortunately i don't know that i have a good answer. My parents set a great example of a committed marriage, and I have positive examples all around me in friends, etc. I think my fear has been more a resistance to growing up and allowing life to be 'figured out' or to have certain aspects set in place. Also, not feeling like good about the stage or place i'm at in my life yet, the personal successes that I haven't yet experienced. Then, after some of the infidelity though, my fears seem to have shifted to being concerned that I can act like a man and treat a gf or wife with the respect they deserve and that i know i want so show them.
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