EasyHeart Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 My GF and I broke up a little over 2 months ago. After NC for about a month, she started emailing me again. It was a mixed bag -- some fun, some flirting, some bickering. She also teased me about taking her out again. Then about 2 weeks ago, she told me that she had met a new guy and was going to go out with him. They went out a couple times and then she told me that she is 'very interested' in him. I asked her where that left us, and she said she didn't know. A couple days later, she emailed and said that she was uncomfortable emailing and flirting with me, since she was now starting a new relationship. She also said that whenever I was ready, she hoped that we could stay friends. I ran into her by accident yesterday and we talked for about an hour. She said that I was always her best-friend and she knows that she can always count on me to be there for her, so she really wants us to stay friends. I asked what she meant by that, and she said that she wanted to be able to talk to me about things that are going on in her life and get my advice about school, work, family etc. and maybe hang out some times. But that I had to be sure not to flirt with her or act romantic towards her in any way. She also said that she was 'completely over' me. Honest truth is that I'm not over her, that we broke-up over a misunderstanding, and I think we could have worked things out if this new guy hadn't shown up. She is obviously smitten with the new guy. She even told me that "he's a great guy -- you'd really like him!" (Yeah, right!) Usually when women break up with me, they said they were done and I never heard from them again. So what do I do? Hang around and hope the new relationship doesn't work? Run like hell? Something else? Thanks for the support. (I'm especially interested in what any women on the board have to say).
Goatsbreath Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 My girlfriend also gave me the friends option. She dumped me before Christmas for a new guy....real nice. Anyway, because we have 12 years of history, friendship, 3 years dating, Its hard to imagine her not being a friend anymore. Still, Im in Love with her and I know it will only hurt me to see her and act like I don't have any feelings for her. The only contact we have had is from me faltering in my attempts to go NC. Ill go 11 days then 12 then 19 and I mess it up. She always talks to me but is cold to the person I remember. I guess shes treating me like the friend she wants me to be. Bottom line: Its not realistic. If she tells you we can be friends .... ["But that I had to be sure not to flirt with her or act romantic towards her in any way."] that's not realistic and not even fair to you. Being her friend will only hamper the grieving process that you need to go through. Friends may be in your future but surely not right now. Friends can only come when you find yourself in a new place in your life and that is surely a ways off. Sorry pal, no friends, no contact.
Geishawhelk Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 What you do is go complete and total No Contact. You'll find plenty of threads talking about this, and plenty of threads from people regretting the day they broke No Contact. No Contact means exactly that - both ways. You absolutely totally eliminate any way of getting in touch with her, or keeping tabs on her (that includes closing facebook or Myspace accounts, deleting her e-mail addy from your electronic address book, blocking any e-mails coming in from her, changing her name on your mobile 'phone to "Do not answer!!" If you can, on your mobile, block her calls and texts coming in to you. I can do it on mine. The sender has no idea it's happening, but you don't get bothered either. If you can't block her, do not respond, ever. However tempting it might be. Do not give her the satisfaction. this is absolutely, essentially vital. Send her one last message, telling her you are doing this. Make it very firm, and unambiguous. make sure it's unequivocal and cannot be misunderstood. "hello. I am initiating total No Contact. Please do not call, write, text, phone or message me. I need this to get over you. Whilst you may feel unsure about your relationship right now, I know I need to do all I can to distance myself from you and give myself time to heal. if you break up with this guy, contact me. But only then, and not before. Unless you can be convinced we have a future, and you can convince me, I don't want to know. Bye." Trust me. if you do this, it will save you a whole lot of trouble and heartache in the long run.
carhill Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 This is key OP.....what is she offering you by being *your* friend? I noted that the discourse seemed to be entirely about her; her wants, her needs. My advice.....turn this one loose and be thankful you escaped that black hole
Ramrod Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Friends mean you get to be her surrogate boyfriend, but there's no sex. Tell her to cram it. Tell her it's just not possible for you to put adise your feelings for her. She may not like it, but you still have some mourning to do and it's best you do it without her in the picture. Maybe when you come out the otherside of the process you can work on a freindship together. All women want to do this for us, but it's usually because they feel sorry for us. Don't accept her pity. Let her know for you it's all or nothing, then walk away and never look back. Which means, you now get to reject her as a friend, it isn't much, but it will help your self-esteem down the road. Good luck brother.
theloveboat Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Do you really want to be her little ego boost when the new guy pisses her off?
Treasa Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 She said that I was always her best-friend and she knows that she can always count on me to be there for her, so she really wants us to stay friends. At that point you should have spoken up and said, "Sorry, but I'm not always going to be there for you. I'm not your licensed psychologist. I'm your ex-boyfriend, and I'm not going to let you use me in between boyfriends. Take it easy, now. I gotta run." And then you should have walked away. That would have sent her a very strong message.
sid3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Pretty much the same thing Ramrod said. I can assure you if you continue to stay incontact with her your going to destroy your self esteem, self worth and your confidence. She is essentially asking you to hand over your balls. You don't owe her sh*t. No explaining you need to get over her. Screw that, do you really want to boost her ego. Come on, put yourself first. There are a few times in life when it is absolutely critical to be selfish. Now is one of them. You have to protect your emotional well being. It's so important. The pain is unavoidable, but if you start accepting her not being in your life now rather than later, doesn't it make more sense to cut all contact. Personally, I'd be angry at what she is offering and the way she said it. I would not want to be her bitch, you shouldn't either. Sure you'll be miserable for awhile, but it sounds like you'll be on the path to being happy again alot faster if you move on with your life. I make it sound so easy, I know it's not.
clv0116 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Do you really want to be her little ego boost when the new guy pisses her off? Ah yes, welcome to her collection of little emo-crutches, or as I like to call it, emotional tampon hood. She wants you to continue giving her the attention she always needed from your relationship without giving you anything back. It's a great deal for one of you, work out who it is great for.
IcemanJB Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 If you can truly, honestly get to the point of not getting hurt or affected by her or her bf, then I say go for it. The only way of getting to this point is to have NC for a long time, then probably followed by very limited contact. For me, I admit I can't do that with my ex. She never asked to be friends, but I told her I can't before it was even brought up. She said she couldn't either, so I think that made it easier. We broke up 4 months ago to this day (just realized that), almost 3 months NC, and still I don't think I could be her friend even now. She isn't even seeing anyone, but the thought of it is still pretty sucky. Now that I think of it, I have not dated a single one of my current female friends. One of them had feelings for me a couple years back, but I didn't want to hurt her so I opted not to date her, and now she and I are great friends. I can't say that for any of the girls I've actually dated. One of us (or both) generally has feels for the other, and the friends things is just so hard to do. I went to dinner a couple weeks ago with a girl I dated 2 years ago (no feelings for her), and I could tell even though she is seeing someone, she still has it for me. So that's a no-go... If you can accomplish being friends with an ex, more power to you. Just be prepared for hurt if you aren't ready for it.
Knight_Ctrl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 ugh. rage rage RAGE!!!.. "Hey, look I know we aren't together and I didn't want to be with you. But I know you can always be there for me. And because you're a nice guy I'm counting on you to stick around and help me with my problems, while I bone this other guy." Afasldkjfks;ldjgmasmmg, I'm gonna go punch myself in the face.
Myusername Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Hello to poster I did not read everyone elses's responses, sorry abou that, in a rush. BUT what I got from your post was that this was ALL ABOUT HER> She wants to set the rules, conditions and keep you close because she relies on you. It is about her wanting her cake and eating it too. I would have felt more comfortable if she mentioned anything about you. Her wanting to be there for you in some way. But it seems self focused and hurtful potentially to you. I am a big fan of staying friends, most people are not but it is a very tricky thing to do. I have done it successfully a few times, but it took a lot of work and pain, to get to the other side. It is very hard to be JUST FRIENDS soon after a breakup. And I think it involves a lot of trust, honesty and equal interest. She seems to just want you to help her but I am not sure what she is offering you. Please protect your heart... Be well MUN
BCCA Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Let me give you the facts for you to decide. She gets: obsolved of any guilt, seeing as you cant be that upset if you remain friends, and she can call you whenever she needs, feels no responsibility towards you, and will be your 'friend' until she doesnt need you any more and then will toss you aside. You get: used, and then crapped all over AGAIN, and discarded. Its a bad situation for you. Some people say that women want to be friends because they feel bad, which is true. The only thing is, they feel bad for themselves, because if you hate them as a result of their dumping you, they feel guilty. No one likes to think that someone out there hates them and they kind of deserve it. Tell you what, is this girl friends with any guy that dumped her? I would be willing to be thats a no.
justletgo07 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Are you sure we weren't with the same girl? Sheesh... My advice: Run for the hills. Nothing but heartache here. She's as selfish as they come. Check out some of my previous posts if you're wondering how things may go down. Learn from me, and walk away now. I gave her way more than she deserved, and I lived to regret it. I know you want to think your ex is different than that...better than that. But I can honestly tell you...she's not, at all.
Joker77 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Dude...don't do it. Many women pull this crap to validate themselves so they don't feel guilty about the original break up. Then they just use you as their personal doormat. It's a horrible feeling when you are in that situation. I did it 4 years ago. I would never do it again.
carhill Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Oh, and watch out for the ones that inject minimal interest into the dynamic, just enough to make one think there is interest there, to keep things going. Maximum return for minimum investment. Women are experts at this. I laugh at them, which of course keeps me single (oh, right, I'm married) When I become single again, I'll have to practice up on my projectile vomiting
HappyAgain Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Oh, and watch out for the ones that inject minimal interest into the dynamic, just enough to make one think there is interest there, to keep things going. Maximum return for minimum investment. Women are experts at this. I laugh at them, which of course keeps me single (oh, right, I'm married) When I become single again, I'll have to practice up on my projectile vomiting Oh, that's not fair. Men do it as much as women. In my experience they do it even more often especially if they don't have a new girl lined up.
carhill Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Yeah, especially when the woman just won't leave
Truly Lost Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I had broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years. It was really difficult to do, but our relationship as girlfriend/boyfriend was over. I think he agreed with me but didn't have the courage to face it head on. Finally I did. I told him I was moving out so that I could move on. He helped me move and we stayed in contact, but not everyday. I had to accept that our breaking up meant that he could no longer be a support channel for me. I did not call him and certainly didn't try to flaunt that I was dating other people. However, we are still friends now after 3 years. I now discuss what is going on in my life, like who I am dating. I would like for him to discuss those things with me, but I don't really think he has met anyone yet. Just the same old people he normally hangs out with. He told me about a prospect he had, but it fell through. I felt bad for him because I know he wants to be with someone. Anyway, I think it would be best for you to stay away from this girl until you can handle just being her friend. Your break up isn't just about her and how happy she can be moving on in her life. Its really hard to maintain a friendship with an ex, but you have to assess if this person was a friend to you above anything else. Then and only then, once you have accepted why you two didn't work, will you be able to accept that your relationship is just a friendship and will go no further. If you still have the want to be with her exclusively then you should let her go and keep it that way for your own good. She should understand and respect that. Besides, how are you going to meet someone else if she is around and you're still pining for her. People can pick up on those vibes.
Author EasyHeart Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Wow, thanks for all the responses. And the fact that all of you say pretty much the same thing tells me what I have to do. Of course, the truth is that when she says "Let's be friends" I think "I've still got a shot". And of course, that's not what it means at all. As I get further away from the relationship, it gets more clear that she is a very confused and uncertain girl. It's just hard right now, because I'm still mourning the loss of the relationship and the fact that she's been able to move on. Hell, the very fact that she told me she didn't want to date anyone else for a long time, and then two days later starts dating some guy should tell me all I need to know. Thanks everyone. I know I've just got to survive the next few weeks and things will be better.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Every time you feel the overwhelming desire to contact her - come in here instead. We'll slap you about a bit, kick you in the pants, shake you up and brush you down, and have a virtual coffee with you. Don't let her confusion suck you in. She's flaky, and doesn't know her own mind or heart. be resolute, and never ever give up on yourself.
IcemanJB Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Listen to Geisha. I don't know if her advice has even been off the mark. Here's how I see it, it's pretty simple: in this situation you need to be selfish. The ONLY way you should want to be her friend, is if you know for sure your feelings won't get in the way, and you think she deserves to be your friend. The only way you can see the 2nd part clearly is if your feelings for her are almost gone.
Author EasyHeart Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 But I don't want my feelings to go away! I want her back and I can't stop thinking about her! Aaarrrrgh!
justletgo07 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 But I don't want my feelings to go away! I want her back and I can't stop thinking about her! Aaarrrrgh! I definitely know how you feel, however, this is not a sign of love...it is a sign of addiction. In fact, studies of the brain have shown that being in love utilizes the same brain pathways as cocaine addiction. Being in love triggers the release of dopamine (a "reward" for your brain) and you become accustomed to that reward on a regular basis. When you suddenly stop receiving your regular dose of dopamine, you experience the physical and psychological pain of heartbreak...which not surprisingly are very similar to the symptons of withdrawl. Just work on letting go, and stay NC. You're looking for your fix, and it appears that so is she.
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