Parents with teenagers

February 9, 2009

What is the appropriate amount of time my 15 yo son should be grounded for damaging a junked vehicle? His punishment would be much severe if this was a vehicle that the family still drove and not sitting behind a barn rusting away.

He was at a friends house for a bday party. Both parents were present. While outside having an air soft gun war one of the other boys "accidentally" broke out the headlight of this junked car. He then supposeably told my son he wasn't too worried about the car, it was junked and they don't drive it anymore. Instead of going to the parents and telling them he decides to give the headlight a couple of more whacks "since it was broken" anyhow.

So, what does my honor student but doesn't think of his consequences son do? Take a piece of wood and knocks the drivers side mirror off and it's handing from the wires.

He admitted to the parents he did it in a phone call to them the next day as they called all the boys about the damage. The parents do not want any $ but we did agree that my son will be going out and working on their farm this summer and helping w/ other things around their house. He will also be doing extra work around here.

My H thought he should be grounded for the rest of the school year. I thought that was too long so we agreed on a month. However, we feel that's not long enough.

What is the appropriate amount of time for him to be grounded. Also, what about school projects they have to work on as partners outside of class? They would have to meet at one of the boys homes. Should we let that go as it's a class project and only limit it to one day and they had better get it done in that one day?

February 9, 2009

I think you guys have acted appropriately. A month or two won't change the fact that by responding immediately, you taught him a valuable lesson in respecting others property(usable or not). I think you two should look at it as a first offense and if it happens again, you up the anti. Tell him you are disappointed(I am sure you already did:))and let him know that he didn't uphold the standard you set for him.

February 9, 2009

Thanks bent! Someone told me they felt the rest of the school year was not long enough, but a month is not long enough so I wanted to post the question here.

February 9, 2009

Just a side thought. One of the things that actuallymade me stop and think when I had done something wrong, rather than just being grounded, was actually being made to fix the problem. A good life lesson. Insist that he buys a new headlight and replaces it himself to the satisfaction of the person who owns the car, regardless of whether the car is being driven or not. He must buy the light with his own money. That might help teach him a little about consequences of his actions rather than just being grounded.

February 9, 2009

I think a month is fine, more than enough actually, since he's going to have to work on their farm to make-up for the damage.

As to school projects in other people's houses, I wouldn't put any restrictions on that if it really is for a school project.

February 10, 2009

Just a side thought. One of the things that actuallymade me stop and think when I had done something wrong, rather than just being grounded, was actually being made to fix the problem. A good life lesson. Insist that he buys a new headlight and replaces it himself to the satisfaction of the person who owns the car, regardless of whether the car is being driven or not. He must buy the light with his own money. That might help teach him a little about consequences of his actions rather than just being grounded.

wuggle, I already offered twice that my son pay for the mirror. The guy said he did not want to be compensated twice now. He said what he wants is that he come out to the farm and work it off. What he wants my son to do is a lot more than purchasing the mirror and having it installed. I would gladly make my son pay for the mirror and installing it AND doing the work on the farm but he said he didn't want any money. From the sounds of it he will be getting a lot more work out of him than what the mirror is worth and that is fine by me, he deserves to be worked hard for what he did.

February 10, 2009

I think a month is fine, more than enough actually, since he's going to have to work on their farm to make-up for the damage.

As to school projects in other people's houses, I wouldn't put any restrictions on that if it really is for a school project.

Thanks Touche! The reason why I asked about the school project is that my son and his friends do more than just work on the projects, they mess around and not do the work in a timely manner. I guess I could speak w/ the parents and inform them that he is grounded and they need to do the assigment and that I will be picking him up at a certain time so they had better use their time wisely.

February 10, 2009

wuggle, I already offered twice that my son pay for the mirror. The guy said he did not want to be compensated twice now. He said what he wants is that he come out to the farm and work it off. What he wants my son to do is a lot more than purchasing the mirror and having it installed. I would gladly make my son pay for the mirror and installing it AND doing the work on the farm but he said he didn't want any money. From the sounds of it he will be getting a lot more work out of him than what the mirror is worth and that is fine by me, he deserves to be worked hard for what he did.

Sounds cool, what I was trying to suggest (badly) was it even though the owner didn't want the light replacing that you have a word with him and get your son to do it anyway (even if the vehicle was just scrap), ie do all the work himself, not pay for someone else to . The idea being that he would possible be totally dumbstruck as to how to take the broken light out, buy a replacement, then fit & test etc, and it would certainly stick in his mind as a lesson more than just paying for a replacement (which might have been easy if he had money) and not really taught him anything.

A similar thing was done to me when I was younger and it stayed with me more than just paying for it and paying for someone else to fit it. It was just athought, if all are happy to have him work in other ways that's cool, just trying to help.

February 10, 2009

Why are you 'punishing' him twice?

If his agreed punishment is that he'll "work it off" at the farm during the summer, there's no point ALSO grounding him.

That's like getting two sentences (or fines) for one parking offence......

Or are you punishing him, and the farm owner punishing him?

That's a little heavy for something like this, I think. A bit of a double whammy........

I have kids, BTW.....

February 10, 2009

Sounds cool, what I was trying to suggest (badly) was it even though the owner didn't want the light replacing that you have a word with him and get your son to do it anyway (even if the vehicle was just scrap), ie do all the work himself, not pay for someone else to . The idea being that he would possible be totally dumbstruck as to how to take the broken light out, buy a replacement, then fit & test etc, and it would certainly stick in his mind as a lesson more than just paying for a replacement (which might have been easy if he had money) and not really taught him anything.

A similar thing was done to me when I was younger and it stayed with me more than just paying for it and paying for someone else to fit it. It was just athought, if all are happy to have him work in other ways that's cool, just trying to help.

I know you are trying to help and I really appreciate the advice.

February 11, 2009

Why are you 'punishing' him twice?

If his agreed punishment is that he'll "work it off" at the farm during the summer, there's no point ALSO grounding him.
That's like getting two sentences (or fines) for one parking offence......

Or are you punishing him, and the farm owner punishing him?

That's a little heavy for something like this, I think. A bit of a double whammy........

I have kids, BTW.....

I don't feel like I'm punishing him twice. He needs to learn what he has done is wrong and will not be tolerated from us, his parents, or the man that had his car damaged. If I don't punish him hard like this he isn't going to the take it seriously and think he can just do it again b/c there isn't a big consequence for his actions. Does that make sense?

You think what I'm doing is a "double whammy" you should hear the other advice I've been getting from friends. They think I should make him do community service in the area on top of the grounding, and the work on the farm. Some have said I should make him volunteer or get a PT temp job and turn that money into charity since the owner doesn't want compensation for the mirror.

February 11, 2009

WOW. My daughter is only 13..and a girl - so I know they are different ..but

My first reaction was that if the parents were there and the kids were using any kind of gun...why were they unsupervised?

Next, the "host" child sets the tone and is responsible for telling friends what is and is not allowed under his house rules...If their kid said it was OK and didnt tell him to stop....??

Anyway, I would tell the other family that I would make restitution for my child and handle the dicipline part within our family OR at least have a clear "sentence" - like he works at their farm 2 DAYS for 4 hours each or whatever - but it has to be CLEAR. It sounds like this guy wants free labor for the summer. NO.

February 11, 2009

WOW. My daughter is only 13..and a girl - so I know they are different ..but

My first reaction was that if the parents were there and the kids were using any kind of gun...why were they unsupervised?

Next, the "host" child sets the tone and is responsible for telling friends what is and is not allowed under his house rules...If their kid said it was OK and didnt tell him to stop....??

Anyway, I would tell the other family that I would make restitution for my child and handle the dicipline part within our family OR at least have a clear "sentence" - like he works at their farm 2 DAYS for 4 hours each or whatever - but it has to be CLEAR. It sounds like this guy wants free labor for the summer. NO.

Ya know, I never thought about it that way. He needs to work the broken mirror off, I agree, but at what point is it too much? What my son did was totally wrong but at what point do I say enough is enough and not have my son being taken advantage of either. If he expects him to work 8 hours a day all summer five days a week that is way over what the damage was done. I expect my son to work the part off but not be taken advantage of either.

I have no idea where the boy was at that was hosting this party. I'm assuming the parents were inside the house not knowing what was going on.

February 11, 2009

I'm with 2sure here....

I hate to butt in again, but I feel the landowner has to accept part of the responsibility then.

Particularly if the car is junk, it's also a safety issue.... All that glass, metal and electrical stuff just waiting to be messed with.

No supervision, or even awareness, it seems....

Agree a specific period and time frame.

Otherwise methinks it will be a sledgehammer to crack a peanut.

February 11, 2009

I've got to say that I agree with Geisha and 2sure (AND I'm pretty hardnosed when it comes to making sure my kids receive lessons from their punishments). The punishments should fit the crime. If he is working it off (and I would not allow the neighbor to take advantage) then I don't understand the reason for the grounding unless the grounding has to do with having his airsoft gun taken away since he was not using it responsibly.

February 13, 2009

I've got to say that I agree with Geisha and 2sure (AND I'm pretty hardnosed when it comes to making sure my kids receive lessons from their punishments). The punishments should fit the crime. If he is working it off (and I would not allow the neighbor to take advantage) then I don't understand the reason for the grounding unless the grounding has to do with having his airsoft gun taken away since he was not using it responsibly.

Ummmm, interesting avatar ya have there.

Anyhow, I don't even know when he is going to be going over to work off the mirror. It probably wont be until Spring and then again mid summer as they don't lay irrigation pipe until May or early June. Somewhere around there. That is a few months away. His grounding will be over for a few months b4 he has to go over there and do the work for the mirror.

I forgot to mention two days b4 he even went to the party he was pulled over by the police for a minor traffic violation. I'm not angry or upset by that, we all make those mistakes. It was the fact he was taking a classmate to another friends home when he only has a school permit. The officer was very nice and only gave him a warning. We were going to ground him for this but decided he was punished enough by being pulled over and he was freaking out. He told us the truth and he probably could have gotten by w/o telling us. So, we decided not to ground him and let him go to the party and then he pulls this crap. We just felt like we got a huge slap in the face by him. We were nice and let him off for driving his friend to another friends house and this is what he does in return? Nope, not gonna fly.

February 13, 2009

Never punish in hindsight.

If you decided to not punish him for the motoring misdemeanour, then that was your decision. As you say, he was honest about that. He didn't have to tell you but he did. So you chose to let that one go....

But don't slap him with a double whammy now. That's not fair.

Look at everything you're getting him to do.

but we did agree that my son will be going out and working on their farm this summer and helping w/ other things around their house. He will also be doing extra work around here.

My H thought he should be grounded for the rest of the school year. I thought that was too long so we agreed on a month. However, we feel that's not long enough.

For one broken wing-mirror?

On an already trashed car?

I'm beginning to feel sorry for the kid......

February 13, 2009

Mopar,

I understand as a parent (especially in this day and time) wanting to make sure that we teach our children everthing they need to become upstanding productive citizens, parents, spouses ect..

I do think that there needs to be some restitution made. I'm sure he will learn the lesson that other peoples junk isn't yours to destroy simply by having to own up to his neighbor and pay the mirror off with time. I DON'T think that it is out of character for a teenage boy to want to watch stuff shatter when you shoot at it though. It sounds to me like a fairly minor transgression especially considering that the owner's son took the first shots. So it doesn't make him a bad kid or even directly (IMO) mean he is making BAD decisions. OK it wasn't great, but it probably didn't seem so wrong at the time. The purpose of the punishment is to correct the behaviour in the future.

February 13, 2009

Never punish in hindsight.
If you decided to not punish him for the motoring misdemeanour, then that was your decision. As you say, he was honest about that. He didn't have to tell you but he did. So you chose to let that one go....

But don't slap him with a double whammy now. That's not fair.

Look at everything you're getting him to do.

For one broken wing-mirror?
On an already trashed car?

I'm beginning to feel sorry for the kid......

I never said the car was trashed. The body was in good shape, it was the engine that had the problems. In fact there was no engine in it. The owners W told me he was in the process of getting a new engine it in. Now w/ all the mirrors and the headlights and tail lights all busted out he doesn't know if he will replace the engine.

I don't feel sorry for him one bit, you shouldn't either. He needs to learn you don't go around damaging other ppl's property, period. He isn't in his room sulking and complaining about his punishment b/c he knew what he did was wrong. And when he goes out to work on the farm he will be around his friend, they will be working together so he will be able to spend time w/ him and visit w/ him while they are working. This could have been much worse. They could have contacted the police and then ds would have this on his record. His punishment in not as bad as what it could have been if the police were involved.

You don't even know what we are making him do around the house. Ohhh, I'm making him scoop the sidewalk today. THAT is really a hard punishment for him. He should be doing that in the first place. He doesn't half the things around the house that most kids his age are expected to do. I don't even make him do his own laundry so don't even think he getting excessive punishment at home. Everyone of my friends make their kids help out cleaning the house, do their laundry, mowing the lawn, etc. All I expect out him when he's not grounded is to keep his room picked up and put his clothes away when I wash them, and unload the DW. He has it made compared to other kids his age.

February 13, 2009

Mopar,

I understand as a parent (especially in this day and time) wanting to make sure that we teach our children everthing they need to become upstanding productive citizens, parents, spouses ect..

I do think that there needs to be some restitution made. I'm sure he will learn the lesson that other peoples junk isn't yours to destroy simply by having to own up to his neighbor and pay the mirror off with time. I DON'T think that it is out of character for a teenage boy to want to watch stuff shatter when you shoot at it though. It sounds to me like a fairly minor transgression especially considering that the owner's son took the first shots. So it doesn't make him a bad kid or even directly (IMO) mean he is making BAD decisions. OK it wasn't great, but it probably didn't seem so wrong at the time. The purpose of the punishment is to correct the behaviour in the future.

I think you misunderstood what actually happened. My son did not shoot the mirror on the van. One of his friends (not the boy who had the party) "accidentally" broke the mirror w/ a pipe that he was carrying. He turned around and it hit the headlight. He then decides it's already broke why not smack it a couple more times. He tells my son it's a vehicle they aren't driving anymore, it doesn't have an engine so it's no big deal. My son picks up a large piece of wood, takes a swing at the mirror, and knocks it off.

If I don't ground my son for his actions he is going to think we are ok w/ what he did. We aren't. He is working for the farmer b/c of the damage he caused to the guys van.

February 13, 2009

I never said the car was trashed. The body was in good shape, it was the engine that had the problems.

Hang on a minute....!!

What is the appropriate amount of time my 15 yo son should be grounded for damaging a junked vehicle? His punishment would be much severe if this was a vehicle that the family still drove and not sitting behind a barn rusting away.
He was at a friends house for a bday party. Both parents were present. While outside having an air soft gun war one of the other boys "accidentally" broke out the headlight of this junked car. He then supposeably told my son he wasn't too worried about the car, it was junked and they don't drive it anymore

I'm sorry - which bit did I not get?

I don't feel sorry for him one bit, you shouldn't either. He needs to learn you don't go around damaging other ppl's property, period. He isn't in his room sulking and complaining about his punishment b/c he knew what he did was wrong. And when he goes out to work on the farm he will be around his friend, they will be working together so he will be able to spend time w/ him and visit w/ him while they are working. This could have been much worse. They could have contacted the police and then ds would have this on his record. His punishment in not as bad as what it could have been if the police were involved.

You don't even know what we are making him do around the house. Ohhh, I'm making him scoop the sidewalk today. THAT is really a hard punishment for him. He should be doing that in the first place. He doesn't half the things around the house that most kids his age are expected to do. I don't even make him do his own laundry so don't even think he getting excessive punishment at home. Everyone of my friends make their kids help out cleaning the house, do their laundry, mowing the lawn, etc. All I expect out him when he's not grounded is to keep his room picked up and put his clothes away when I wash them, and unload the DW. He has it made compared to other kids his age.

If you don't give the full story - or change it half-way through - don't get snitty when people get it wrong.

I didn't get it wrong.

You gave conflicting information, and you keep modifying what you're telling us.

I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR KID!!

February 13, 2009

It probably wont be until Spring and then again mid summer as they don't lay irrigation pipe until May or early June.

It does sound like the owner of the junker car is planning to take advantage of the situation. The only responsibility that your son has to the car owner is to pay for the cost of buying and replacing the car mirror. Since your son doesn't have the money to pay for the cost of replacing the mirror, lend your son the money to replace the mirror (after your son does the research and finds the best available deal) and make your son work off his debt to you during the time he is grounded.

Labor isn't free. I kind of doubt that the owner of the car could even get someone to lay irrigation pipe for minimum wage but if he could, he would be paying $6.55 an hour for that labor.

Since the car's owner hasn't been clear of when and how many hours he plans to have your son work for him, you should just lend your son the money and replace the mirror.

The punishment needs to fit the crime.

February 13, 2009

Hang on a minute....!!

I'm sorry - which bit did I not get?

If you don't give the full story - or change it half-way through - don't get snitty when people get it wrong.

I didn't get it wrong.
You gave conflicting information, and you keep modifying what you're telling us.

I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR KID!!

Ok, I apologize. I assumed it was a junked vehicle b/c ds was sitting behind the barn not being driven. I did ask ds as I was posting that my last reply if the van was all rusty and such. He said not really, it just didn't have an engine.

February 13, 2009

It does sound like the owner of the junker car is planning to take advantage of the situation. The only responsibility that your son has to the car owner is to pay for the cost of buying and replacing the car mirror. Since your son doesn't have the money to pay for the cost of replacing the mirror, lend your son the money to replace the mirror (after your son does the research and finds the best available deal) and make your son work off his debt to you during the time he is grounded.

Labor isn't free. I kind of doubt that the owner of the car could even get someone to lay irrigation pipe for minimum wage but if he could, he would be paying $6.55 an hour for that labor.

Since the car's owner hasn't been clear of when and how many hours he plans to have your son work for him, you should just lend your son the money and replace the mirror.

The punishment needs to fit the crime.

I have to agree w/ the farmer that ds needs to work on the farm to replace the cost of the part. I have several friends who are farmers. I'm going to ask them what the average wage for laying irrigation might be.

I would make my son pay for the part and installation of the mirror but the farmer refuses the money. It's not up to me how the farmer gets reimbursed for the broken mirror, it's up to the farmer. However, I wont let him take advantage of him either. My son is just lucky the police were not involved or this would be so much worse.

February 13, 2009

Actually, no it isn't up to the farmer.

You made a fair and just offer to replace the mirror and the farmer refused.

Therefore you would be within your rights to state that you offered to make financial restitution, and to make good the reparation, but he declined.

You therefore decided to punish your son in a way habitual to your household, and have grounded him and requested he do chores.

If the farmer turned down the offer, that's his problem.

if he wants your son to make it up to him somehow, then a suitably appropriate punishment should be sought, because laying drainage pipes is akin to doing hard Labour on a chain gang for having stolen a loaf of bread and a hunk of cheese....

I already offered twice that my son pay for the mirror. The guy said he did not want to be compensated twice now. He said what he wants is that he come out to the farm and work it off. What he wants my son to do is a lot more than purchasing the mirror and having it installed. .....From the sounds of it he will be getting a lot more work out of him than what the mirror is worth and that is fine by me, he deserves to be worked hard for what he did.

I think you need to clarify that one day's work should do it.

The farmer's angling to get cheap labour, and you're punishing your son way in excess of what he deserves.

This is so unfair.

Can't you see that?

Sign In

Parents with teenagers

Recommended Posts

mopar crazy

bentnotbroken

mopar crazy

wuggle

Touche

mopar crazy

mopar crazy

wuggle

Geishawhelk

mopar crazy

mopar crazy

2sure

mopar crazy

Geishawhelk

IfWishesWereHorses

mopar crazy

Geishawhelk

IfWishesWereHorses

mopar crazy

mopar crazy

Geishawhelk

nittygritty

mopar crazy

mopar crazy

Geishawhelk

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...