ticklebat Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Went through a pretty rough experience where my SO flipped out and severed everything after a relatively small argument. We had a very solid relationship (or so I thought) up until that point. After that argument, he was someone else, and I felt betrayed, confused, angry, abandoned, I could go on. After a couple of days, he wants to talk. I oblige him ever so cautiously, at that point I did not trust him, but in my emotional state I was also desperate for an explanation. Those couple of days up until that conversation were extremely painful, and I was doing my best to just pick up the pieces and figure out what went wrong. He apologized and said he had figured out why he had flipped, because he was afraid of commitment. Not commitment as in exclusivity, that has never been an issue, but as in marriage. Which was interesting to me because I had never brought the subject up, as I'm rather skittish myself about it. HE had told me on several occasions unprompted that he wanted to marry me, among other significant commitments in the future. I did not reinforce it, if he asked what I thought I would say we'll cross that bridge when and if we get there. My problem is that while I still have intense emotions and an attachment toward him, I am completely ambivalent. He says that now he recognizes the problem he can fix it and wants to make it up to me. I can't help but still be angry, I felt like I was convicted of a crime I did not commit and punished. I felt what he did was incredibly selfish, and this has been after several other selfish displays regarding the relationship on his part, though those were not as severe. Everything was so incredible for all of the relationship, and all of a sudden he snapped. After his outburst, I believe he lacks the emotional maturity to be in this. I don't trust him, I don't believe him when he tells me that this can be fixed. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but dammit do I feel like a stupid fool about all of this right now, I was shafted by someone that I trusted and was in love with. That sucks large. Anyone else been in a similar situation? There is still part of me that wants to work this out, but I am very afraid. Should I just cut my losses? I want to forgive, but I need his help and reassurance and I don't know if I can trust him for it. Is it possible to resuscitate a relationship after a significant amount of trust and respect for the other has been lost?
MotherGooze Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Hmmm seems like I'm in the same situation but at the opposite side. I treated my bf very bad for a couple of months, and then he broke up with me. I want him back but he doesn't know what he's feeling right now. The best advice I can give you is to give yourself some time. Tell him that you feel unsure about your feelings. You've been hurt by him badly, so he should understand that. I do believe he loves you, but just saying sorry for what he did might not be enough for you. As I always say, actions speak louder then words. If he gives you the space and time you need, allthough he wants you back, then he truly repects you and I think then you should give him a chance. But if your feelings stay the same, don't do anything until you are sure.
Author ticklebat Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thank you MotherGooze, your response offered an incredible amount of insight and a different perspective for me. You're right, he has completely respected my needs regarding this situation. He is sincere in his apology and has expressed that he would do anything to make it up to me. He has shown a lot of respect for what I need by tolerating my ambivalence and has been very willing to reassure me when I have asked. He has also been very accepting of the space I need. I'll admit, I'd been on the fence and had responded to him accordingly, but reading what you've said, and also what my friends have told me, has made it crystal clear to me that the bottom line is why I'm so hurt is directly proportionate to how much I love him. By thinking that way, I was able to be understanding again. He had reacted just like anyone experiencing his emotions would have reacted, and even if they wouldn't have, they would have understood at least. Not only that, but he felt extreme remorse for what it had done to the relationship and has mustered up the courage to fix it and accept the consequences despite the opportunity to take the easy road and just run away. It's honest, and I respect that tremendously, that in itself has a massive foothold in re-establishing trust. Thank you so much for your approach, it really has been supremely instrumental in not only perhaps salvaging this relationship, but also in accepting why everything has happened and being able to move on if need be. I hope everything works out for you with your boyfriend, I understand how that must feel, I'd also been in a similar situation years ago. Though, that never worked out, but he had many other issues of his own to deal with which has caused all of the issues in the first place.
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