CompletelyUndone Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I have been married for the better part of a decade and we have 2 young children. Before we married I was scared because we had had a very unstable relationship where he had broken up with me off and on several times over the period of about two years. He often told me he just wasn't sure he was IN love with me. I knew we were probably making a mistake, but logic just wouldn't work for me with this guy...it was unlike any relationship I had before it. About a month before we married I had a one night stand with a guy who had been pursuing me relentlessly for months. It doesn't in any way make what happened ok, and I felt terrible about it. I told my husband about the fling about six months into our marriage. We had been fighting so much and things were very difficult, I was pregnant and scared, I thought maybe my mistake from before we married was hanging over our heads. He could tell I was hiding something, he always can. I am just not a very good liar I suppose...So anyhow, the fighting got worse and he got worse. I am not saying that I never started a fight, but he definitely ended them all. He was verbally abusive, overly controlling, manipulative and domineering...for the first four years I don't think either of us really wanted to be married to each other and I never quite understood why I stayed. I didn't sway again though, didn't even want to...and not for lack of opportunity, it's just that I never thought of it as an option. I finally began telling him of some of the things that I just couldn’t live with anymore, the horrible names he would call me or some of the things that he would say to me when he was angry. But what hurt most were the things that he said to me when he wasn't angry. When he would tell me that if I would just lose weight he'd love me more or sometimes it hurt him that I had let myself gain and hold on to so much weight after having the children, he'd look at other men’s wives and wonder why I couldn't be so dedicated when it came to my personal appearance....etc (I put on about 60lbs between the two kids that I wasn't able to get off). Eventually he began to work on controlling his temper and he even became a bit less controlling. Life became routine and the kids became the larger part of my focus, although I always felt like I was failing them also. Our sex life was alright, I was always the more active one of the two of us, I wanted it nearly every day where he really only needed it a couple of times a week. Not a huge deal though, I was satisfied with what I had. About year 7 things started to really look up, where we had started out having three bad weeks for every one good week we were to having three good weeks to every bad week. It almost made the bad weeks unbearable though. I figured over all it was alright though, because at least things were getting better and not worse. I had the chance to change positions at work, it meant a raise in pay and less days working, though it was the same amount of hours. That meant more time with my children, how could I pass it up...well about a month into the new job one of my coworkers noticed me...apparently he noticed me right off the bat but I didn't realize it. I am not what I would call a pretty girl by any stretch, although I think I can be cute and have a nice personality. I had been going to weight watchers for several months and had managed to drop about 50lbs, and while I still had 40 to go it was a huge difference in my self image and personal appearance. It also increased my sex drive. At one point my husband sat me down and told me that I needed to stop asking for it more than 2-3 times a week, that I had been requesting sex too much and it felt better if we did it less times in a week. It was a blow to my self esteem to think that it felt good only if he deprived himself, but at least he still wanted it right? So this other guy started to really try to hit on me. I kept him at bay, but found that he was very easy to get along with and a friendship developed. It wasn't long before his advances were beginning to get somewhere with me and I would let him kiss me or call me on the phone...I wouldn't let him touch me anywhere though. Some weeks later I finally broke down and we wound up having our affair. I felt so guilty that I told my husband a couple of days later, I broke things off with the guy and settled into the new hell I had created. The first couple of weeks my husband was actually great, I had taken two week off work and we spent a lot of time together. He finally saw that we had problems bigger than me not cleaning out my desk regularly or forgetting to pay the water bill on time. He didn't believe he had any responsibility in any of it though and began to dive into researching infidelity and the repercussions...I opened up to him in ways that I hadn't in years, put all my emotions and vulnerabilities on the table just as he did with the intent that we'd work through them and help each other out in this moment of weakness we shared. I had to go back to work though and he became overly emotional on the days that I worked. I encouraged him to visit me at work and take my lunch break with me, that way he would know what I was doing and who I was with each night, but he just couldn't stand to be at my workplace. It was too painful for him. So I didn't push the issue. How could I ask him to go through more pain? I already caused so much...he became more difficult though, the names became worse, my son would sometimes hear us fighting in the middle of the night...my husband began to drink and to use painkillers (vicodin, percocet…), also a few times he cut into himself with a box cutter...I couldn't take it...I knew I did it, I created this misery he lived in, but I couldn't dwell in it any longer...I broke down and confided in the only person that I could about any of it - the other man...the affair started up again, this time full blown, although I couldn't contact him outside of work because my husband was monitoring my e-mail account and my cell phone usage. It lasted for about a month and we were together a few times in this time. Each time I saw him at work we would at least kiss and talk with one another, we became as close as we could given the circumstances. I quickly realized that even though I firmly planned on leaving my husband I couldn't really start up a relationship with this guy either, I don't believe that a relationship based on cheating has much of a chance of working...and I felt terrible about what I was involved in. I was trying to figure out a way out of the relationship and also a way to make the split with my husband with as little damage to the kids as possible when my husband confronted me and asked me if I was having an affair again. Like I said, he can always tell when I am hiding something. So I admitted to the second affair as well. During this second affair I had gone to yet another coworkers house before going to work and he had cornered me...pressured me...and I wound up relenting. At that point I counted my marriage as over, so that wasn't a consideration in my mind, I was trying to get out of the other relationship, and this was a situation more of stupidity and lack of self respect. I hated myself for what I did, I couldn't believe I would whore myself out this way...I cannot believe this story I am relating it my own. I am trying to keep it factual, not emotional, but I am finding it difficult...don't worry, it's nearly over. So my husband by now was actually working on himself, on his temper and everything, he was beginning to understand how he had been treating me was not ok. He thought he might have a disorder called borderline personality disorder, he saw a mental health specialist and is going to work on seeing if that truly is his condition or if there is some other explanation for some of his actions. He seems to have quit using anything or cutting, he is controlling his temper and working on how he handles me…I am currently beginning counseling for myself because I don't feel my actions are at all excusable either. He wants to work on things again. He knows about everything. I have ended the affair and am looking for another position, hopefully a transfer again, even if it's a cut in pay. I cannot let go of the medical benefits though, which is the biggest reason I haven't just quit my job. My husband went to my work and told the guy to leave me alone, and though we speak a little at work (an attempt to keep rumors at a minimum but also to get our jobs done correctly) we have minimal contact. I never see the other guy, his schedule was changed and we no longer share any shifts together. So my question to those of you brave enough to read my novel is this - am I hopeless? Will my husband ever be able to move past my terrible transgressions? Will I be able to move beyond his? Would we be better off splitting now in an amicable fashion or should we give a go of it again? I was faithful for over 8 years, so I know it was not that I am just some cheap tramp that cannot control herself...it was more emotional than that...but if things get tough again will I turn into that person that I hate the most who is willing to cheat on her spouse for an emotional bandage that is obviously not meant to last? Ok so that is more than one question, but still...a little help? [FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2][FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]
Dumbledore Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 He wants to work on things again. He knows about everything. This is great news! It seems that you now have a clear roadmap back to happy days.
lkjh Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I guess there is a chance but I can not figure out why your H wants to stay with you. I know its easy to blame your H with the he wasn't sure about getting married, and the he is angry excuse. In reality you are a serial cheater. You also try to justify your behavior and you need to stop that. If he does give you a third or fourth chance you need to except full responsibility. You tried to excuse each affair with little things right before it. The first one you had was because he wasn't sure if he was ready for marriage. The second one was because he was angry about the first one. You restarted the affair because the marriage was dead. Get some therapy for yourself and figure out why you always run to other men.
lkjh Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Also, one of you affairs you claimed you had to do it. That this other OM cornered you and you had sex with him. In reality you went to some guys house looking to cheat. You knew this guy wanted you and you did it. Married women do not go to another mans house to "confide". This was not a forced act, you allowed it. If you want to make any progress you need to stop playing the victim. You are the predator. I think I counted three different guys you slept with. There is no way that all of these guys pursued you and pressured you into it. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM. The problem is within you; not your H or whatever factor you can find.
Reggie Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I agree with the above. I can't imagine a husband wanting to stay with someone capable of this. With the cheating before marriage, it is no wonder he remained angry. Serial cheaters are a bad risk as marriage partners. You exposed him to all types of potentially deadly diseases. Your story does not mention any attempt to get therapy.
lostsoulmate Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So my question to those of you brave enough to read my novel is this - am I hopeless? Will my husband ever be able to move past my terrible transgressions? Will I be able to move beyond his? Would we be better off splitting now in an amicable fashion or should we give a go of it again? ...but if things get tough again will I turn into that person that I hate the most who is willing to cheat on her spouse for an emotional bandage that is obviously not meant to last? Ok so that is more than one question, but still...a little help? No one is hopeless. Decisions of this nature require patience. Patience is something that is very hard to come by when you are in a situation like this. Only your husband will be able to tell you if he can move past it, and forgive you. Remember you also have to forgive yourself, too! That is very important. Again, decisions of this nature require patience. You must be patient right now. Step back, away from the situation. Write down all your feelings. Carry a notebook with you. At this stage, you probably have days where your feelings change every few minutes. Guilt, selfishness, selflessness, more guilt, pain, let it all out. When you put it on paper, you can go back and read it. Truthfully understand what you are feeling. Trying to rationalize things right now seem very hard, with time it gets a little easier to try to think of which option is best. Remember you need to take care of you, and the children. Part of not turning into that person again is taking the time to look at all your options. Right now it may seem like you don't have very many, but you heart is clouding things. I wish I had a better answer, only time. Don't beat yourself up... people here have been hurt. Just as you have, and just as you have hurt your husband. Take everything we say with a grain of salt (everyone has the right to "their" own opinions). Only you will know what is right for your situation, and what is wrong. I wish you the best, please remember you do deserve to be happy no matter what anyone says!
Author CompletelyUndone Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 To answer a few of those posts, thank you first for the feedback, it's not always easy to take criticism, but until all of this happened in the last couple of months I was pretty convicted on how I felt about people who do what I have done. Ok, so first, I did mention in my post that I am in therapy, I began a couple of weeks ago working with a therapist to try to figure out some of my default behaviors that would lead me to justify doing something so terrible. Second, my H just began therapy as well, we are trying to find out if he does in fact have BPD or if it's something else and work on it from there. If you don't know anything about personality disorders then please look them up before you judge the people who have had to live with them. Third, I own my actions. The affairs were my fault, I did that. The one where I got cornered I truly did get cornered. He agreed before I ever went over there that he'd be hands off and respect my space, but then he did not. I attempted several times to tell him no and to change the subject, even to leave the room, but he was pursuasive and forceful and let's face it, I was a wuss. If I cared more about myself I'd have stood up for myself. The others I will say I willingly put myself in a position that I knew could lead to what it lead to. Do serial cheaters go years without? And if I am one, how would I identify it? I don't want to be a victim, like I said, I own my actions, I don't want anyones pity - if things were THAT bad at home I should have left not resorted to cheating, I just want to hear some others opinions. I have tried to keep my emotions out of my threads and to simply state facts, so if anything got lost in translation I apologize, but please keep analyzing this from the perspective of people that aren't in the middle....it's not always easy to see the forest through the trees right??
Author CompletelyUndone Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Thank you, Lostsoulmate, I realize I need to face my actions, but you're right, it's a roller coaster right now, so it's very nice to hear kind and unjudging words, even if I don't always feel that I deserve them right now...so again, thanks, I think I might try that notebook idea - it just might help out a little bit with organizing my thoughts and feelings.
lostsoulmate Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Thank you, Lostsoulmate, I realize I need to face my actions, but you're right, it's a roller coaster right now, so it's very nice to hear kind and unjudging words, even if I don't always feel that I deserve them right now...so again, thanks, I think I might try that notebook idea - it just might help out a little bit with organizing my thoughts and feelings. The notebook really helps. Trust me, I am on my second thru my own issues with my SO.
Reggie Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I am pretty well versed in BPD, as I believe my XWW had it. This came to my atttention when both my attorney,a fformer social worker and mytherapist told me to look into them as I described the abuse that had gone on. so, if your H has a personality disorder, I sympathize. They are intractable, for the most part, although DBT is supposed to help. One thing you really need to look at is if you are trying to pigeonhole him with this diagnosis as a way of justifying the cheating to yourself. One thing that jumps out is that you cheated during the engagement, and that is an unusual reaction for someone during courtship with a BPD. Generally, during the pre-entanglement phase, they are not displaying the behaviors that lead to the desperation that leads a non to cheat. So, with a history of serial cheting predating the marriage and continuing within it, you might be giving this guy a bum rap. Also, bear in mind that the intial cheating could have set off behaviors that are much like BPD rage. The trauma of betrayal is very intense and can really alter a person. It's good you are going to therapy. Even if you were exposed to a personality disorder, your choice to cheat repeatedly is pretty abberrant. I've seen a lot of people that have cheated in desperation when involved with a BPD. But, the repetive thing is unusual. Bottom line seems to be that if he is BPD, you should get out. If he is not, and cheating is your chosen coping mechanism, you are not good relationship material at this time. I guess this would be tru even if he is disordred. If you don't have kids, it may be best to divorce. Even if you do, that may be best. The scars left from both BPD behavior and serial chating must be immense.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Well there is obviously no doubt that you are a serial cheater. You do have low self esteem and the only one with lower esteem is your husband. The sad thing about splitting is that you would be alright. Your husband however would be a complete basket case. This is because he loves you far more then you love him. He is up front in wanting to slow down to having sex 2 or 3 times a week. So instead of expanding the toy collection. You figure to punish him by laying other guys. You are easily swayed by men who in fact don't want a relationship with you outside the bedroom (don't let them fool you that they do. No one could trust you). Your husband may have been BPD. What you did just pushed him over the edge. So now you are talking about an amicable split. I guess you would have to look at what your motivation is. Do you want to screw other guys? If the answer is yes, and you get an itch down there, definitely give the man his freedom before he kills himself. If its because you don't know if he will be able to forgive you (and I am going to rant here) YOU HANG ON UNTIL THAT POOR BASTARD SAYS WHEN! YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO EVEN CONSIDER LEAVING AMICABLY. AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO THAT POOR MAN, THE BALL IS IN HIS COURT. IF IT TAKES THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM, THEN THATS WHAT YOU DO! I personally don't think you can make it. Not because of him, but because of you. As I stated, I believe he loves you far more then you ever loved him. I would suggest that he drop you down town in the red light district. BUT, he apparently does love you with his whole body and soul, and should therefore be given the opportunity to try and restore trust in you. And the next time you go to cheat on him do him a favor and just kill him first. And put him out of his misery. I still wonder how this guy could love you that much?
lkjh Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 If you don't put yourself in that situation, you couldn't have been cornered, so that is all on you too. Not the other guy. Right on so many levels. You went to some guys house to "cope". Is this a guy someone you knew since you were young? A family member? Therapist? If the answer is no to all of these, then you should have never been there.
Reggie Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I agree, the cornered thing is total BS. The fact that you continue to try to sell this to folks is a big red flag and you might consider whether you are the one with BPD.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 If your husband, lord knows why, wants to stay with you and "work" on things, then you better take the ball and run with it and don't take his forgivness and 2nd chance and spit in his face. Otherwise, if you can't stop your cheating ways and do right by him, then get a divorce and set the man free from you. he doesn't deserve what you are doing to him.
Recommended Posts