dharris27 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Today at work, i was talking to a friend/ co- worker and he said "you are obsessed with your ex, you bring him up every time i see you. You must be in love with him." And it stopped me dead in my tracks. Althought that's a bit of an over exaggeration it's true. I still think about my ex daily. He's kind of around and we have a lot of mutual friends, so it's easy to do anyway. Still, this made me feel pretty awful yet made me realize that indeed i need to sort through these feelings as they have been lingering too long. How do i stop thinking about him? How do i really get over him? I broke up with b/f about a year and a half ago. There were a lot of things not working although i know we were really in love, i just became really uncomfortable and unfullfilled and incredibaly doubtful that i was being treated well enough - even though some of his behaviors were based on inexperience and some immaturity. I knew he was a amazing and we had come through a lot loving each other so much. It was a pretty tramatic break up for us both. I felt bad doing it of course but it also felt right and eventually he kind of agreed. He texted me for the longest time that he missed me. Had a new girlfriend for almost a year and that devastated me. We are weird around each other, don't really talk. Have a lot of mutual friends. Because i truly loved him it's been hard for me to stop thinking about him, and i have even convinced myself that he would have been the most amazing boyfriend had i stuck around, although knowing he's single again surely they had some similar problems. And i know that's how the brain plays tricks on you when you grieve. He has a bad temper, he's pretty down and judgmental, not open minded, and never really leaves his house...but when he's focused on you and you on him it's wonderful. I just imagine as a person who's worked hard to be happy and mature and open minded being with him would not let him grow and would really just drain me and pull me down the wrong path. I haven't fallen in love again since him, usually it takes me some years to do that. Now that i'm seeing someone else, although the physical boundary has not been crossed i want to be honest with myself and for this new person, and i want to cleanse my soul a psyche of this past relationship and false sense that we would be amazing together if only i went back to him now that he's single. Does anyone have advice on how to better get someone out of your head? How to see it for what it was? Even with little closure? To move on? I would really apprciate it. It's embrassing when other people pick up on my OCD about this.
MotherGooze Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Ask yourself where it went wrong and how it didn't work out. Ask yourself what you like about this new person in your life, and spend some time together with him. IMO things will evolve naturally. It's not because someone says you're obsessed, doesn't mean it's true. I know I sometimes think about exes with regret, but that doesn't mean I want him back or that I'm unhappy with a new relationship.
Ronni_W Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'd suggest the first thing to do might be to get clear on what, exactly, are the things that you think about, when he is part of your thoughts? Because your thoughts about him do not necessarily mean that you're still in love with him. It could be that your brain is trying to figure-out something else entirely. Like what you really want from, and how you really want to be treated in, your primary relationships, or what you might have done to help/inspire him to grow and develop into a well-functioning adult, or how to choose a generally more suitable partner next time. Or, all of those things. Or, none of them but something else that has more to do with YOU and your own 'lessons' and your own relationship awareness. As you describe it, he does not sound like the person who was ideally suited to be your long-term partner. That is, it does not seem that he had the self-awareness to be able to support you in achieving your goals for growth, well-being and personal satisfaction. As MG says, your co-worker may have used the word "obsessed" in the casual way that most of us do -- "I'm obsessed with golf" does NOT mean I need psychiatric care...unless golf is my whole and entire world, and is preventing me from taking care of my obligations and responsibilities to self, work and others. The good part is that the comment has brought you some new awareness into your thought patterns. Yes, you still have to sort it out but at least now you can start doing that. It's embrassing when other people pick up on my OCD about this. When one is grieving, it is normal to have thoughts about the person, whether loss was experienced due to death or a relationship break-up. That is not OCD, it is grieving. There is no time limit on the grieving process, so just because it has gone on a "long time" does not indicate OCD. Being in an "obsessive thought loop" about one person or situation also does not indicate OCD. Point is, no need to worry about having a serious mental disorder at this time .
Author dharris27 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 really, thank you both. I do appreciate it and feel that's a very human response you both gave. Best to you both.
Recommended Posts